Naedine Galadriel Serenity Katarina bint Esmonde cried out as a sharp pain racked her body, from her beautiful raven cerulean hair to her delicately formed toes. Attempting to sit up, she found that her hands and feet had been bound with white silken ropes, and the sapphire-amethyst ring that her great-aunt Miranda, the famous Seer, had bequeathed to her upon her thirteenth birthday was poking her in the back.

A tall, hooded and menacing figure strode purposefully into her field of vision. Through clouded but still breathtakingly enchanting azure and cinnamon eyes, she beheld the narrowed, snake-like visage of ... no ... it couldn't be! Naedine Galadriel Serenity Katarina gasped a fetching gasp.

"Dissendium," said Voldemort, and with a flick of his wand her restraints disappeared.

Naedine Galadriel Serenity Katarina sat up and gracefully began to rub the circulation back into her aching wrists. Holding her head high, she faced He Who Must Not Be Named and said proudly, "Torture me – kill me – do with me as you will, but I will never use my unsurpassed Seer ability to help the Dark Side, nor will I surrender to you the secret of how to do wandless magic." Out of the corner of her eye, she could see several other hooded figures step forward into the circle of bright light.

Voldemort laughed - a high-pitched, castrato, counter-tenor laugh. "Wandless magic," he sneered. "Tell me, what does the Dark Lord, who is all-powerful, need with schoolgirl tricks?" He laughed again, and the Death Eaters joined in politely.

"Schoolgirl tricks??" cried the prisoner angrily. "How dare you speak such a way of my family's precious traditions-"

"Crucio!" declaimed Voldemort, and Naedine Galadriel Serenity Katarina slumped over, writhing in pain once more. The Death Eaters again laughed politely, until a glare from Voldemort prompted them to bring the volume up a notch. A few started clapping.

"No," said the Dark Lord, pacing around the girl, who was panting in a ladylike manner. "You are not here for me to extract your secrets and then throw your broken (though delightful) carcass to my pet vultures. Nor are you here for me to torture as a recreational activity – tempting though that might be, impertinent young thing. In fact, I have brought you here at the behest of one to whom I owe a debt of gratitude and wish to honour." A hooded figure that Naedine Galadriel Serenity Katarina had not seen before glided out of the shadows and stood next to Voldemort.

"My friend," said the Dark Lord proudly, "accept this humble gift. May the sweet taste of revenge whet your appetite for more evil-doing and general loathsomeness." Handing her a business card which read "Unable to sate your appetite for evil-doing and general loathsomeness? Join the Death-Eaters, today! Call 1800 – AVADAKEDAVRA. Office hours only", he stepped back.

"How did I find myself in this position?" thought the young woman, biting her lip in apprehensiveness as the strange figure stepped into the centre of the ring. "All I did was stop to help that injured pony as I was going to the station to catch the Hogwarts Express – "

Her anxious musings were cut short at the gasp from the assembled Death Eaters, as the mysterious figure lowered her hood.

"You!" accused Naedine etc.

"Yes," replied pottersues calmly, and then ruined the effect with a burst of maniacal laughter. "Too long have I stood aside, a mere observer and commentator, as you – you foul creatures – ruin everything I love about fanfiction, with your purple prose, your rape of the one true HP canon, your unrealistic assets and talents! Therefore I've decided to take matters into my own hands, and get some physical revenge, rather than virtual! And my good friend here" (Voldemort saluted) "has agreed to help me. I think you know what this means, don't you?"

"No," gasped NGSK. "You couldn't! You wouldn't! Besides, you're a Muggle!"

"That's where Voldie here comes in," said pottersues smoothly. "Sic her!"

"Sarcasmium!" shouted He Who Must Not Be Named. A beam of purple light hit their prisoner straight in the navel. As she lost consciousness, Naedine Galadriel Serenity Katarina bint Esmonde prayed to whatever deity might be listening, that she would die rather than suffer the fate that awaited her.

"Anything but that – "

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Disclaimer: I think it must be fairly obvious after 100,000 fanfics that JK Rowling doesn't object to people using her characters (besides, the legal fees would wipe out her large fortune should she decide to sue all of 'em). However, I certainly don't own pottersues, and I hope she doesn't decide to ... erm, sue me.