Harry put his trunk down on Platform 9 ¾ and sat on it, looking around for any sign of Ron or Hermione. Although the Hogwarts Express stood puffing gently at the platform, with half an hour left to wait he didn't feel like being on the train with the Slytherins, especially with the sun beating down outside.
Ernie Macmillan and a couple of other Hufflepuffs waved to him as they passed by, heavily laden with trunks and owls, and climbed aboard. There wasn't another Gryffindor in sight, apart from Parvati Patil, who had already boarded, and sat gossiping with her twin sister at the window nearest to Harry. And two compartments down, Draco Malfoy and his two henchmen were trying to attract Harry's attention with the use of obscene gestures and loud comments.
Harry turned his back on them and scratched Hedwig between the wings through the bars of her cage. For the first time he noticed that Professor Sprout was waiting on the Platform, looking very tanned, and with her was what looked like a large badger wrapped in beach towels. Harry took another look, and realised that it was in fact a squat, furry-looking person.
The Professor noticed Harry, and bustled over to greet him, dragging the odd creature along by the hand. "HARRY good to see you, good to see you," she said hurriedly. "Had a nice summer? Excellent, excellent... would you mind keeping our new transfer student company for a moment, while I go and make sure the driver's got my Shrieking Geranium properly stowed... there's a good boy..." Before Harry had a chance to make any sort of reply, he found himself alone with the ... student.
"Erm... hello," he started. "I'm Harry Potter... so you're a transfer student? From America, I suppose?" he said, suppressing a sigh.
"Basingstoke," it replied – from the length of its lank, mousy hair, Harry decided it was female. "Doris Sue Ethel Mildred Shrub, but most people just call me Doris Sue Ethel." She extended a grubby hand.
Harry gingerly shook it, as the Slytherin's window burst open, and Pansy Parkinson stuck her head out. "Hey, Happy Dopey Sleepy Loopy Grumpy!" she shouted. "What's your middle name? Ha, ha ha!"
"It's Gladys," said the new girl mournfully.
"Well... let's get on the train then," said Harry, hurriedly. Waiting for Ron out here in the open with this strange character didn't seem to be such a good option. "Got any luggage?"
"Nope," she replied, hitching up some of her layers of robes to allow perambulation as far as the train. She turned around. "You know, it's funny... I don't seem to remember ever having had luggage. Or what I was doing in Basingstoke. There's no magic school there, is there? And come to think of it, does Hogwarts even take transfer students?"
"Don't think so," replied Harry, gritting his teeth and promising to give Professor Sprout an earful for dumping on him a charge who was not only eccentrically dressed, but confused as well. "There's some Hufflepuffs... that's Hannah Abbot there, look... I expect you'll be in their house," he said hopefully as they passed the first compartment. However this was full up to the brim with luggage and people, and furthermore Hufflepuffs MacMillan and Abbot were making emphatic No gestures through the glass. "SHE'S BARMY," mouthed Ernie.
"Erm... I guess you're with me then," stated Harry lamely. To his relief he spotted Ron and Hermione boarding at the other end, and practically ran down the train to get into their compartment. There was no time to explain the peculiar situation before the new student caught up with them.
"Ron – Hermione – this is Doris Sue Ethel," introduced Harry. There were more handshakes. Hermione gave him an odd look, but politely asked, "So what school are you coming from, then... er, Doris?"
"Haven't a clue," replied the new girl, "and it's Doris Sue Ethel." She peeled off several layers of outer clothing, and the atmosphere in the compartment took on a certain aura of sweaty feet. Harry unobtrusively opened a window.
"So, then, Doris Sue Ethel, game of Exploding Snap?" offered Ron, as the train began to move.
Doris Sue Ethel rolled up her sleeves to reveal pale hairy arms. "You're on."
Ron, Neville and Ginny watched in astonishment as the now-eyebrowless exchange student drained the entire cauldron of pumpkin juice in one long swallow, while Harry and Hermione had a private conference behind Hedwig's cage.
"Can we get Luna to take her off our hands?" hissed Harry over the chorus of "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"
"Doubt it," said Hermione gloomily. "She's FAR too eccentric for Luna. Well... she might be sorted into another house..."
Sure enough, that evening in the Great Hall at Hogwarts, the Sorting Hat shouted out "GRYFFINDOR!"
"Well," said Harry disgustedly, leaning over to Hermione amid the desultory applause, "it could be worse. She has to sleep in your dormitory."
A/N: Thank you to both my lovely reviewers (as of the time this is posted). Well, Lizai, how ever did you guess? (Apologies for the predictability!) Don't worry, you haven't heard the last of Naedine Galadriel Serenity Katerina! You can't kill a Sue that easy!