Harry came downstairs to breakfast on that Tuesday morning to find everything the same as usual. Ginny, Neville, and Doris Sue Ethel were down one end of the table, with quite a few of the first and second years, building towers out of toast and their dirty dishes and having belching contests. (Doris Sue Ethel was winning.) The other Gryffindors gave them a wide berth, while nearby Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs looked disdainful and made disparaging comments.
Harry took a seat at the opposite end with Ron, who was stirring his porridge absent-mindedly and gazing glassy-eyed at Doris Sue Ethel. "She's really... something, isn't she?" he murmured.
"Yes, she is that," replied Harry, looking over at the girl, who was picking her teeth with the corner of her Ancient Runes homework. "Ron... Ron! Snap out of it! Hermione, get over here. I think Ron needs help," he said as Hermione pulled up a chair and sat down next to them.
Hermione snapped her fingers in front of Ron's dreamy gaze several times without producing so much as a blink. "I don't know what sort of help you think I can give him," she answered. "He's too far gone for that. I suppose..." she mused, "I suppose there is a certain aura of mystery about her."
"A certain aura of the Owlery when the windows have been closed for a week, yes," said Harry. "What's the matter with you lot? The girl is one-hundred-per-cent weird, and she's turned my best friend into an extra from the Night of the Living Dead. I don't care what you say, I think there's something really strange going on here."
"Think about it, Harry," said Hermione. "Nobody knows where she comes from, how she managed to get transferred here, or how she manages to do... that." Cheers and honking noises came from the other end of the table as Doris Sue Ethel pulled another fork out of her nose. "Don't you find it even a little fascinating?"
"True," said Harry. "Well, let's find out then. Hey, Ethel! I mean, you whatsyername! Come over here!"
Doris Sue Ethel plonked herself down opposite Ron, who seemed to have suddenly been struck dumb.
"So, Doris Sue Ethel, we were wondering if you could tell us... you know... a bit about yourself?" asked Hermione.
The girl looked suspicious. "Like what? And it's just Doris now. I got an owl from Mafalda Hopkirk last week warning me about the improper use of excess nomenclature, blah de blah."
"Where'd you go to primary school?" snapped Harry.
She looked blank.
"How about your family? Where did you live?" added Hermione.
"I... really don't know," said Doris, looking like she might cry. "I don't remember anything much before the Hogwarts Express this summer."
"Whysfrcullur," said Ron, and gulped. They all turned to look at him.
"What was that?" asked Doris.
"I think he wants to know what your favourite colour is," said Hermione. "Tell you what, we could ask Professor McGonagall if we could have a look at your student file, I'm sure she wouldn't mind seeing as it's your own information."
Professor McGonagall was fairly confused when Doris asked her if she could check who her parents were, but agreed to let them see the file. She was even more confused after she had fetched up the file from the dungeon archives.
"Mother – N/A. Father – Classified? That's extremely odd. Place of birth – N/A. There's hardly anything in here at all. Dumbledore's listed as your legal guardian, but that doesn't mean much. Whenever somebody leaves a student on the doorstep and high-tails it out of here, that's what we put down. Happens more often than you'd think, too. But I don't think that's how it worked out this time... I seem to remember somebody asking Professor Sprout to see you onto the train as a favour. Well, I'll check with her."
But Professor Sprout didn't know anything more, except that a hooded stranger had come up to her in the Leaky Cauldron when she'd had a few pints of mulled mead. "Said he was an old friend of Dumbledore's, but I can't remember what name he gave," she confessed.
McGonagall tutted. "This is an inexcusable breach of... of something. Hogwarts administration? Anyway, I'll have to talk to Dumbledore about this." The four students took the opportunity to sneak away as she and Professor Sprout started arguing about responsibility.
"Well, that didn't explain much," said Hermione as they came to a halt outside the Transfiguration Department. Ron and Harry shook their heads.
Doris's chin began to wobble. Hermione noticed, and anxiously added, "No – Doris – I'm sure there's a logical explanation – no, please don't cry –"
It was much too late for that, however. All Harry could do as Doris threw herself on his neck and howled loud and long, was stand stiffly and pat her on the back, muttering "There, there," through clenched teeth. It didn't help that Hermione seemed to find something about the situation amusing.
Finally her sobs abated, and Doris released her grip on him. "Sorry 'bout that," she sniffed, and blew her nose loudly on a handful of Harry's robes. "It's just so hard, when you don't know who you are or where you come from..."
"Yes, it must be," said Ron hastily, seeing that she seemed about to start off again. He reached out to pat her on the back, then thought better of it and retrieved his hand, face bright red.
"What have we here?" came the voice of Draco Malfoy. They turned to see a group of Slytherins had entered the corridor. "Crying, are we? Oh, I see, it's a Harry Potter's Official I've Got No Parents Club meeting." He took out a large green silk handkerchief and mimed wiping his eyes. "Can I join? See, I've got no dad... or, wait a second, I did have a dad... before you and your filthy friends got him sent to Azkaban!"
"Tough," said Harry, trying to steer Doris away from the crowd. She, however, seemed disinclined to move. "It's hardly my fault if your parents decide shacking up with a bunch of Dementors is a better option than having to share a house with you."
"And I suppose your Mudblood friend here knows how I feel," continued Draco, eyes fixed on Doris. "Or is she a Mudblood? Hell, I don't know... she's a No-blood! Hasn't got any family! Ha! Foundling!"
As far as Draco's insults went, this wasn't anything to write home about, Harry decided. Doris, however, didn't agree. Shrieking and flailing, she swooped down on the unfortunate Malfoy before anybody had time to restrain her.
"Holy mother of..." Harry said quietly to himself. The scene was pure, embarrassing chaos. Doris was yelling at Malfoy, beating him to a bloody pulp, and crying long, gasping sobs all at the same time. The Slytherins had mainly slunk off, muttering excuses about having to get to class, except for Crabbe and Goyle, who looked like they should be doing something but didn't know quite what it was. Hermione was trying to calm Doris down, but couldn't get close enough to pull her off the fallen Slytherin. And Ron was cheering Doris on.
"Sssnot nice....to say... stuffslikethat....howd youlikeit....few're a foundling..." moaned Doris, punching Malfoy in the face between phrases.
"Yay! Go Doris, whoo! You show that ferret who's boss!" Ron had been joined by Colin and Dennis Creevey, and a couple of Ravenclaws.
"Now, Doris," began Harry, feeling he ought to do something. "I think that's enough..." He had the uncomfortable feeling that Professor Snape was going to come upon the scene. He had a knack for showing up at moments like this. However, the first teacher to stumble upon the altercation was Madame Hooch.
"WHAT is going on here?" she bellowed, forcing her way through the large crowd of students that had gathered and were now shouting "Go Doris! Go Doris! Go Doris!" She hauled the bloodlust-crazed girl up by one arm and looked down, horrified, at what remained of Draco Malfoy. "What did you do to this poor boy?"
"Garn," said Malfoy weakly, and spat out a tooth.
"Miss, he called her a foundling and a No-blood," piped up Dennis Creevey. The others nodded and seconded him.
"Still that doesn't possibly merit... oh, so you're the... ahh, I see," said Madame Hooch, her voice going from angry to understanding. "Is it true, what he said to you?"
Doris sighed and looked at the floor with a sad expression on her face. "All I ever wanted was to come to Hogwarts," she said, with a little crack in her voice. The effect of this was somewhat spoiled when she turned her head around and snarled "Tosser!" at Malfoy's broken body. Madame Hooch, not noticing, wiped away a tear.
"You there! Help me get him to the hospital wing! And ten points from Slytherin! Erm... all right, five," as she saw the extent of Malfoy's injuries. "You there, come up to my office and we'll have a chat about this later, all right?" she said kindly to Doris. "One, two, three – hup! Careful – mind his spine!" They hurried off to the hospital wing.
Meanwhile, the mixed crowd of Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs, and Gryffindors had hoisted Doris onto their shoulders and borne her away in the opposite direction. Harry and Hermione were left alone in the corridor, staring after them in shock.
"Did I really see what I thought I saw?" asked Harry, rubbing his eyes.
"Yep," said Hermione, "I think most of the school saw it. Well, that'll bring her polls up a few points. Did you see that tattoo on her arm, though? I'm sure I've seen something like that before..."
"Forget the tattoo," exclaimed Harry. "Did you see her left hook?"