Hermione looked up at the huge stone door, illuminated by a flaming torch suspended high above her head, and then down at the address scrawled on the scrap of paper in her hand.

Yes, this had to be the place, all right - Unaccountably there were butterflies in her stomach, and she felt strangely hesitant at the sight of the imposing entrance. However, she couldn't stay out here all day, not with the raging sandstorm messing up her hair and filling her shoes with grit. Hermione lifted the heavy brass doorknocker, and banged on the door.

It swung open, and a Lesbian Minion appeared in the doorway. "Yes?"

"I'm here to see pottersues," said Hermione.

The Lesbian Minion looked her up and down, taking note of the "I Am So Smart With My Commas,,,,," t-shirt that Hermione had, after some careful research, decided to wear. "You'd best come in then," she said, standing aside to reveal a long hallway lit by more flaming torches. "Follow me." She took Hermione's cloak and led the way down the corridor.

They passed several doors along the way. At one door Hermione heard a scream of maniacal laughter; another was standing open, and inside Hermione could see Lesbian Minions stitching piles of t-shirts very similar to the one she was wearing. As she passed it she could hear the sound of a whip being cracked, and the low snarl of somebody being told to sew faster.

At the end of the corridor were two doors, one labelled "Suechives", the other blank. "Wait here," said the Lesbian Minion, and went through the unmarked door. Hermione, left alone in the dim corridor, found herself drawn towards the door marked "Suechives".

Going over for a closer look, she saw that a narrow vertical slit had been cut above the sign, like something a door in a medieval dungeon might have, so that warders could keep an eye on the prisoners. Looking around to make sure she was alone, she crept forward and pressed her eye to the slit.

Though it was dim inside, she could make out signs of movement. Straining to see further, she was startled as a shape gracefully flitted by, very close to the door. She jumped backwards into the arms of a Lesbian Minion.

"I wouldn't go in there, if I were you," said the Minion kindly. "You think it'd be confusing if you messed up with a Time-turner and accidentally met yourself? That's nothing to what would happen if a genuine J K Rowling character happened to wander into the Suechives."

Hermione considered this for a moment, and then decided that the Minion was undoubtedly right.

"pottersues will see you now," said the first Minion, poking her head round the door. Hermione dusted the sand off herself as best she could, and went in.

The Mary-Sue guru sat on a throne of Hallmark cards, at the end of a very large, high-ceilinged room. On her lap was a kohlrabi that made faint squeaking noises as she petted it. Lesbian Minions bustled about – some seemed to be having a debate at the side of the room, some carried clipboards; one was up a ladder writing on a whiteboard suspended at the right hand of pottersues' throne. "Today's Music:" it read. Hermione watched as she added, "I've Got a Brand-New Combine Harvester – The Wurzels."

"So you're Hermione," pottersues announced. "Sorry about the mess; we're rather busy with the Golden Bubotubers at the moment. How may I help you?"

Hermione gave a brief summary of the situation with Doris Sue Ethel while pottersues listened, eyes narrowed. "That's all very tragic," she said when Hermione had finished, "but how does it involve me?"

"With all due respect, Your Lesbian Overlordship," said Hermione in exasperation, "there's no point trying to tell me you didn't put the Sarkasmius curse on Doris Sue Ethel. I knew the moment I saw the three eyeballs on Doris's arm that it was you! That curse always leaves the mark of the curser on the cursee. It's elementary DADA."

"Ah, but that's where you're wrong," said pottersues shrewdly. "In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a Muggle, so how was I supposed to have put a curse on your Sue – I mean, your friend?"

Hermione counted points on her fingers. "A: You just called her a Sue," she said. "You're the expert on Mary-Sues, so I'm guessing you know more about her than you claim. B: You have a castle on your live-journal page. Don't try to persuade me that this is an ordinary Muggle living room, because I'm not buying it. This place screams to me that you have some powerful friends in the magical world, and I'm going to make a big leap, and guess that one of those friends is the Dark Lord himself."

At the mention of Voldemort, there was a commotion from the Lesbian Minions. Some gasped in horror, and a couple rushed over and took Hermione by the arms as if to throw her bodily from the building. The Lesbian Overlord stood up. "Stop!" she ordered. Hermione was released.

"Yes, fine, all right, I admit it was me," said pottersues testily, soothing her panicked kohlrabi. "Or rather, it was Voldemort doing me a small favour. You gotta understand," she said, almost pleading now. "She was a perfect example of everything that's bad about fanfiction! The perfect Sue! And she walked right into my Sue-trap, almost willingly... so, Voldemort delivered her to me, and we did the curse together. Okay, maybe we tortured her a little first."

"I don't care what you did," said Hermione authoritatively, "so long as you undo it."

"Can't," said pottersues.

"But you've got to!" cried Hermione. "If you only could see how miserable she is. She's really depressed over her looks, and if you ask me she's got some sort of hormonal problem with mood swings as well."

"Well, all teenagers have attractiveness issues," said pottersues airily. Looking at Hermione's bushy, sand-filled hair, she amended it to, "All teenagers that don't have to worry about saving the world from the forces of evil, I mean. She'll get over it. Besides, there's no counter-curse. You should know that, Miss Girl-Genius."

"There may be no counter-curse," said Hermione with determination, "but there is a way to reverse the spell, and I'm sure you know it. And you're going to help me, or I'll report you to the Ministry of Magic and have this place shut down. It's obviously illegal. And I might throw in an indictment for practicing inappropriate charms on a kohlrabi."

"You wouldn't!" said pottersues in horror. Her pet vegetable squeaked outragedly. Then, seeing that Hermione was totally serious, she said sulkily, "Fine, fine, I'll help."

"Excellent," said Hermione, rubbing her hands together.