The atmosphere in the Gryffindor Common Room that Friday night could be described as doleful, perhaps even funereal. Much of the crowd that had gathered earlier to see the public makeover of Doris Sue Ethel had dispersed (mainly from embarrassment). However, Doris's close friends and the makeover team were still present. Their attempts to cheer her up had backfired, and now a general gloom lay over the group like a fog, as they sat around on armchairs and couches that had been pulled over for convenience.
Doris sat in a large armchair in a state of depressed apathy. Every now and again she would let out a loud sigh, which would set Parvati off crying again. Dean Thomas was perched on one of the arms of Doris's chair, holding her left hand and occasionally saying soothing things. Seamus, Padma, and Neville were seated on one couch, staring into space and working their way through a huge bag of tortilla chips. Ginny and Lavender were squashed into an armchair to the right of Doris, Ginny's head resting on Lavender's shoulder. Colin and Dennis Creevey were opposite them, in another armchair; Dennis was almost asleep. Pansy Parkinson sat on the floor, alternately giving Doris a pedicure and passing tissues to Parvati. The hour was late, but none of the assembled had the heart to get up and go to bed.
"You know, it's pathetic really," sighed Doris. "I don't even know what part of Basingstoke I'm from. I don't have a past. What kind of a wretched excuse for a person doesn't even have a past?"
Colin Creevey clucked indignantly. "Lots of good people don't have pasts," he said. "Hey, lads, how about you? What primary schools did you go to, eh?"
There was a chorus of blank stares, and some head shaking. "See?" said Colin.
Ron had remained on the periphery of the group, occasionally opening his mouth to say something helpful, and then chickening out. Over the past half an hour he had thought of at least twelve intelligent, compassionate things to say, things that would immediately put a radiant smile on Doris's face and have the others all staring in admiration. So it was unfortunate that when Ginny said to him crossly, "Spit it out, Ron," all he could manage was, "I like big feet on a woman."
Heads swiveled in his direction; Ron saw raw hostility and disbelief on eleven faces and added hastily, "Not that I mean to say your feet are big, of course. I mean, they're smaller than Dean's feet. Or, well, at least they're smaller than Harry's."
Doris's expression told Ron clearly that she was less than impressed with his oratorial skills. Seeing Ginny smack her palm to her forehead, he decided to throw caution to the winds.
"Doris," he said, climbing awkwardly over a couch, "there's something I need to say to you." Pansy Parkinson moved out of his way as he knelt down in front of her chair and took both her hands in his own.
"Yes, Ron?" breathed Doris. The others leaned forward in anticipation.
Ron hesitated. Though he'd turned the idea of confessing his feelings to Doris over in his mind many times, he had never come up with anything he was truly happy with saying – and certainly he had never imagined having an audience. He glanced down at the little, grubby, nail-bitten paws enclosed between his large hands.
"From the moment I saw you, Doris," he began, looking down. "I knew you were something special. I've felt this way about you for a long time, but it wasn't until last Friday's Potions class that I truly realised – you were so lovely, standing there with one arm in a cauldron of chicken entrails – Doris, I knew then that I loved you." He looked up into her glistening eyes. "Doris, I love you. Will you go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?"
Pansy Parkinson burst into tears as Doris replied proudly, "Yes, Ron, I'll go with you." Ginny, Lavender and Neville cheered, and even Dean and Seamus, swept up in the moment, exchanged a hug. "That was so beautiful," sobbed Parvati, passing the tissues back to Pansy.
"You kids knock it off," shouted Harry down the stairwell. "Some of us have Quidditch matches tomorrow." Nothing could dampen the celebratory mood in the Common Room, however, and Dean was just going upstairs to break open the case of Butterbeer he had saved for a special occasion, when Hermione burst in through the portrait hole.
"I've discovered where Doris is from!" she announced dramatically. There was a collective gasp. Ron jumped to his feet.
"Did I miss something?" added Hermione, noticing Ron's red face, and the fact that he and Doris were clutching each other's hands. "Never mind – I'm sure you'll want to hear about this first." She strode over to the fireplace, grabbed a pinch of Floo Powder, and flung it in. "Doris, I've found a witness who was present when you were put under a curse!"
pottersues' head appeared in the fireplace, looking tired. "Let's get this over with," she said. The spectators all crowded around, Doris and Ron pushing their way to the front, still hand in hand.
"Doris, the reason you're here – erm, like this – and you don't remember anything that happened before King's Cross Station – is that you're not Doris Sue Ethel Mildred Shrub, at all! Your name is Naedine Galadriel Serenity Katerina bint Esmonde, and you're not from Basingstoke – your true family are distantly related to the Russian royal family on one side, and on the other are pureblood wizards with a huge family estate in Cornwall."
Doris was speechless. She glanced up at Ron, who quickly interjected, "But who cursed her? And why would anybody want to?"
Hermione looked away from the head of pottersues and said, "Voldemort cursed her, Ron. Her was acting under orders from... well, that's not important right now. But why – well, that's very important, and Doris, you should brace yourself as this might come as a shock."
The crowd was dead silent as Hermione announced, "Doris, you're a Mary-Sue."
"Doris is a Sue?" squeaked Pansy. "But how can that be, I mean she's – "
"She may not look like your conventional Sue," interrupted pottersues wearily, "but I can assure you, she is one. All the signs are there. For one, a major canon character is in love with her." Ron gulped. "Two: She's inspired some very OOC actions." Pottersues looked hard at Pansy and Dean Thomas. "Three: everyone loves her. Madam Hooch let her off in the face of obviously criminal behaviour; even Professor Snape, I'm told, seems to like her. Besides that, her appearance is ludicrous, her background is mysterious, and her reason for being at Hogwarts is totally unexplained. It all adds up to one thing – she's a Mary-Sue, and nothing you can say or do can change that."
"So I'm – I'm a Sue?" said Doris, wonderingly.
Ron grabbed her by the hands again. "Yes, Doris, but you shouldn't let that bother you," he said urgently. "Look at what you've done for Hogwarts unity – Slytherins and Gryffindors all under one roof! I don't think it's ever happened before! And you know it doesn't change my feelings for you one bit..."
"Doris!" shrieked Padma Patil. "Your eyelashes! They're – they're lengthening!"
"And your tattoo's gone!" cried Dean. "And Doris, your hair, it's all... straight and glossy..."
Doris pulled off the hairy brown robes she had been wearing over her head, and the whole group (excluding pottersues) gasped when they saw what was underneath. Doris – or Naedine – was wearing a pair of flared indigo jeans very low on her slim hips, with a tight, long-sleeved red blouse that was unbuttoned low enough to reveal a lacy black bra underneath. Curving round her neck was a fabulous opal choker, and her wrists were bedecked with thin silver bangles that made an attractive clinking sound when she moved her arms. Around her waist was a silver chain that emphasised her slimness.
On her feet were Converse runners, and on her left hand she wore an antique sapphire-amethyst ring. Her hair was raven and cerulean and fell in waves to below her knees; her nose was long and aquiline; and her eyes were azure and cinnamon. As she stood, the congregation could see that she was nearly as tall as Ron.
"My name," she announced in a cool, clear voice, "is Naedine. Naedine Galadriel Serinity Katerina bint Esmonde, in fact."
"Can I go now?" asked pottersues from the fire.