Naturally, it wasn't long before the news got out. Depending on whose story you had heard, Naedine had become a dragon Animagus, burned down the West Tower with her fiery breath, and escaped, leaving a trail of destruction in her wake; or, she had seduced Madam Hooch and persuaded the teacher to unlock the door and loan her a broom; or a troop of Dementors had invaded the school, Kissing both Filch and Professor Vector on their way up to the tower, and carried Naedine bodily away to the secret location where Dementor orgies were held.

Despite the fact that Filch and Vector remained visibly un-Kissed, there was a total absence of a trail of destruction, and Madam Hooch was busy cursing the "little thieving miscreant" at every opportunity, rumours continued to abound. Harry was particularly annoyed by the claim that he, blinded by Naedine-lust, had assisted her in her escape with the help of Polyjuice Potion, and had been beaten black and blue by Fudge's walking stick when the enraged Minister found him locked in Naedine's cell.

Hermione, who wasn't all that surprised by Naedine's daring escape, said that it was a perfectly normal response to the sudden departure of a Sue. "The first stage is Disbelief," she announced, her nose in a heavy library book. "The second is Wild Speculation. After a certain length of time, the effect of the Sue wears off, and people gradually begin Stage Three: Denial That Anything Was Different Or Strange. It's all here in Common Magical Delusions and Psychological Ailments."

Indeed, less than two days after the Sue had flown the coop, Harry had overheard Draco loudly telling Crabbe and Goyle that he didn't have a clue what Blaise Zabini had thought was so special about Naedine, anyway. Dean Thomas had discreetly removed his copies of Vogue magazine from beside his bed, and had replaced them with Footballer's Weekly. Pansy Parkinson had even been observed calling Cho Chan "skanky". Yes, Stage Three had certainly set in, and life seemed to be returning slowly to normal.

The lull following the departure of Naedine was soon to be disrupted, however, upon the discovery of some shocking news.

On the morning after Hermione had been released from the hospital wing, she happened to be early down to breakfast. There were very few people in the Great Hall, and no Gryffindors at her table at all. Greeting Hagrid (the only teacher present) with a cheerful "Morning", she took a seat, pleased to have a few minutes of quiet to read yesterday's Daily Prophet. (It had been misdirected to "Hermoine Granger" and had only arrived in her dormitory at half past eleven the previous evening.)

The headlines weren't all that interesting, so she briefly skimmed the articles on the front page (in case there happened to be a current events quiz in any of her classes that day) and turned to page two. Glancing over an article about the Hogsmeade Amateur Dramatics Society, she took a mouthful of tea; then, seeing the next headline, spat it out again all over her newspaper. A group of wizards in Shakespearian dress jumped squealing out of the way as their photo was drenched in hot liquid.

"What're yeh up to, Hermione?" Hagrid said curiously. He had been making his way out the door, whistling, but now came over and looked over her shoulder at the newspaper. Hermione, shell-shocked, handed it to him.

Teen You-Know-Who Supporter Flies To Fiery Death

Residents of the village of Ayresconeff were roused from their beds at four o'clock last Saturday morning, to be greeted by the horrifying spectacle of their local community centre burning down to the ground. Muggle police and fire departments were alerted, and attempts were made to contain the fire (first believed to be a work of arson). However, when a charred Cleansweep 105 was discovered on the premises, Jeffrey Chakravarty of the Muggle Liaison Unit (Scotland Yard) was called in.

Last night the police released a statement to the magical journalistic community, which states that the fire has been established as certainly magical in origin, and occurred when the owner of the broom lost control and crashed into the building. The presence of residual magical compounds (including two poisons that were made illegal by the Dangerous Substances Act of 1773) indicates the cause of the fire. "Upon impact, the bottles that were being carried by the rider of the broom must have smashed," stated Dr Serena Smiggs, of the Magical Forensics Department. "When the highly inflammable contents mixed, they inevitably ignited. A magical blaze like that would have spread from basement to attic within a few minutes."

Scotland Yard has also denied claims that the body of a young girl was removed from the burnt-out building. However, it has been confirmed that the broom belonged to one Madam Hooch, of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and had been stolen by a former student who disappeared last week. Nadine bint Esmonde was reported by our source inside the school as having single-handedly burnt down an entire wing of the school building, before escaping with a large sum of money in Galleons, to "join Lord You-Know-Who, her mentor and true love". Deputy Headmistress Minerva McGonagall refused to comment on the situation; however, the influential Esmonde family have launched an appeal for information on their daughter's whereabouts, and have offered a substantial reward for anyone who can cast light on the situation.

Mrs. Esmonde, in her appeal, tearfully denied accusations that her missing daughter had joined the Dark Side, insisting that Naedine was just "highly strung".

"Ere!" Hagrid exclaimed. "Are they talking about that lass that used to like to come down to my garden and do a bit o' muck-spreadin'?"

Hermione, who was finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that Doris had met her demise at the same time as Naedine, swallowed hard and said, "Yes, well sort of."

"Blimey," said Hagrid fervently. He sat down on the edge of the table, causing it to lurch alarmingly, and took a flask out of his pocket. Taking a long swig, he then absently passed it to Hermione, who did the same without thinking.

Other people were now starting to trickle in to the hall, and the news was visibly spreading. Many people got the Daily Prophet delivered; there was already a group of first-year girls sobbing at the Slytherin table. By the time Harry and Ron had arrived, there was a buzz of hushed discussion of the article circulating in the hall.

Harry took one look at Hermione's face, and grabbed the Daily Prophet out of her hands. Scanning the newsprint, he whistled loudly. "Ouch. Well... we all knew she'd gone bad... but still, didn't expect this! I mean, I thought she'd make a great Death Eater! And wow, that must have been pretty unpleasant, I mean burning up like that..."

"Now Harry," Hagrid objected hastily, "we're not sure it was her body. In fact, the Prophet's sayin' it ain't her!"

"They didn't even spell her name right," said Ron, face devoid of expression, and turned and walked slowly out of the hall.

Hagrid and Hermione looked at one another. "Harry, you could have been a little more tactful..." Hermione ventured. She looked pointedly in the direction Ron had just taken.

"Go talk to Ron," agreed Hagrid.

"You're the one that's good at this emotional stuff!" Harry grumbled to Hermione, but got up and headed for the stairs anyway, passing on his way Cho Chang and Pansy Parkinson, sobbing in each other's arms.

In their dormitory, Ron was sitting on his bed, head in his hands, but looked up as he heard Harry enter the room. To Harry's relief, he didn't seem to have been crying.

"Listen, Ron, I really am sorry to hear about..." Harry began. Ron waved a hand at him to stop talking.

"Yeah, yeah. S'allright. That Naedine girl was a pain in the ass anyway." Ron's voice was rough, and Harry knew that his callous attitude was a front. He felt terribly sorry for Ron, and was about to suggest a game of wizarding chess as a displacement activity, when a better idea occurred to him. He sat down on the bed next to Ron.

"You know, it seems as though it was only yesterday Doris was beating the snot out of Malfoy," he began. Ron smiled at the recollection, and became a little teary.

"I think we should make a tribute to Doris," Harry announced. He stood up and placed his hand over his heart. "Doris Sue Ethel Mildred Gladys Shrub may have left Hogwarts, but her spirit remains alive as long as we, her fellow Gryffindors, remember her and honour her excessively long name."

"Hear hear," said Ron, blowing his nose loudly.

"Pansy Parkinson let slip the Slytherin password to Dean when they had that manicuring session last week," Harry added. "Want to go smear some chicken entrails in Malfoy's bed?"

Ron stuffed his handkerchief into his pocket and stood up. "You know, Harry," he mused, "I think Doris would have wanted it that way."

Thank you very much to all my readers and reviewers. You're great! Also thanks must go to my long-suffering beta Tethys; and the good people at Pottersues's livejournal - Lesbian Minions and Suethors alike. And of course, Pottersues herself - released at last! Inspiration was never short on the ground, I can tell you.

Liked "Please Don't, Sue"? Am working on a new fiction (working title "Civil Servant of the Dark Lord") about a character you all know and love. Or, at least, know. Reviews would be particularly welcome. (Hint hint. Hint.)

Mwa!