Fetish X
A/N: This is inspired by all those wonderful posts in the lj community speedsicle. Go check it out. There's photographic evidence.
Disclaimers: None of the X-men characters belong to me, and I'm making no money from this. Nor do I own any of the mentioned 'products'.
Warnings: language, humour
Stacey X had left Warren a video, Kurt an identity crises and Bobby a website address.
Obviously, Bobby thought, porn. He had never been particularly comfortable looking at internet porn, so he left it. After he wormed the story of the video from Warren, his interest was piqued, but even porn involving ex-teammates was second in his priorities right now. Turning to ice could distract you like that. But then, after nights alone and lonely, convinced he would be single forever because who would want to - who would be able to - touch a man made of ice, he tapped the address into the computer in his room.
"Bobby? Bobby Drake!" Alex bellowed, storming around the mansion. "Drake!!"
He burst through the door of Bobby's bedroom to find him curled in a ball on his bed.
"We have a mission!" he yelled. Bobby didn't respond at all.
"Drake, we don't have time for this. We have a mission. Lives are at stake. Get out of bed and get the fuck out here!"
Slowly, Bobby raised one hand. He pointed, mutely, at the computer screen.
With a frustrated sigh Alex turned to it. He laughed.
"So you have fans! We're all famous these days, Bobby. Though since it's you, it's probably just that fat, spotty, nerdy girl from high school with the irritating crush."
"Scroll down," Bobby said, voice barely audible.
Still smirking, Alex did so. He screamed and jumped back, stumbling over piles of clothing on the floor until he found himself sitting, stunned, on the bed with Bobby.
In the centre of the screen there was a picture. A picture of a large, wet, glistening, ice dildo.
"We're all famous these days," Bobby mocked Alex quietly. "Look at the names down the side."
Archangel - blue
Beast - extra large, blue, long fur
Colossus - metal
Iceman - ice
Nightcrawler - blue, short fur (fuzz)
Northstar - vibrator
"Take some time off," Alex managed. "Take all the time you want."
"I'm never leaving this room again. Freaky fetish fans will get me," Bobby mumbled, rocking back and forth. "Never leaving. Fetish fans will get me. Never leaving..."