Author's Note: Thanks to NaijaChiqa for all of her wonderful editing help. Important - this chapter takes place before last chapter. Check the dates if you get confused.
May 29, 2001
"Are you okay?" Summer knocked on the bathroom stall.
"Yeah."
The door swung inwards. Marissa was pulling at her corduroy skirt.
"I thought you said you weren't going to thr—" Summer said.
"I wasn't doing that. I just wanted to fix my skirt - it was bothering me."
Summer peered behind Marissa and could see that she was telling the truth. The toilet wasn't full of undigested food and it certainly wasn't humming to the tune of an earlier flushing.
"Holly wants to know if she can come into the bathroom," Summer said.
"I guess," Marissa replied in a bored tone. Holly Fisher had been hanging onto Marissa's coattails for a few months now, ever since Ellie was sent away. Summer and Marissa were joined at the hip again, and were more than happy to have Holly following them around, even if she did get pretty annoying sometimes.
Summer nodded and left the stall. She caught the eye of a tenth grader in the mirror and glared at her. The girl's hazel eyes grew wide with fright and she ran out of the bathroom. Summer smiled and followed her out. Back against the wall, Holly was chatting up an eleventh grade guy, Sean Torres.
"Hol, come on." Summer gestured for Holly to come with her.
"Bye, Sean. See you this weekend!" Sean nodded and Holly followed her into the bathroom.
Marissa was now at the sink carefully applying her lip-gloss.
"So what was that all about?" Holly inquired. "Why couldn't I come in before?" When both Marissa and Summer ignored her, she continued, "Guess what? I got us invited to a party this weekend."
"Holly, we're not going to another one of Jennifer's lame parties, where her parents come downstairs every five minutes and they serve punch." Marissa wiped the corners of her mouth and handed her lip-gloss to Summer.
Summer laughed. "My dad's going away in July, so we can have, like, a bunch of parties then."
"But July is so far away," Marissa whined. "Isn't he going away sometime in June, at least?"
"You guys! The party's not at Jen's. It's at Sean Torres' house, for God's sake!" Holly screeched.
"Can I bring Luke?" Marissa asked, not bothering to congratulate Holly on her conquest. She had to admit, she was rather impressed that a follower like Holly had gotten the invites.
"Yeah, definitely," Holly said, casting a glance downwards. Marissa wasn't even excited about the party. She hadn't gushed over Holly's invitations, and to Holly, her work garnered some interest.
"This is so cool. Sean Torres is so hot." Summer sighed and handed the pink tube back.
"Isn't he? I think he likes me, really, like, he's always talking to me in the halls, and he calls me at night sometimes – well, okay, that was, like, once, but, we talk on AOL all the time. And he's a good kisser," Holly gushed. Summer and Marissa's jaws dropped open.
"Hol! You've kissed Sean?" Marissa asked incredulously. "When? And why didn't you tell us?"
Holly shrugged. "Last weekend, at the club. You were taking your tennis lesson, Marissa, remember? And…Ohmigosh, he's like, so good!"
"You're so lucky," Summer said. "But no offense, he hits on tons of girls all the time. He could just want some ass." She crinkled her nose and shifted her weight to the right leg. "He's so not worth it."
Marissa could tell that Summer was jealous. Who wouldn't be, if she didn't have a boyfriend like Luke and her friend was getting attention from upperclassmen?
"Oh, don't pay attention to her, Holly. I bet he likes you." Marissa smiled at Holly and began to walk out of the bathroom. "Are you guys coming?"
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Marissa reached across the table for the bowl of broccoli.
"You sure like that broccoli, kiddo." Jimmy handed it over.
She scooped some broccoli onto her plate and put the bowl down on the table, then stuffed the broccoli in her mouth, stabbing each piece with her fork.
"You've got such a healthy appetite lately, Marissa. I don't know what's gotten into you. I guess you're growing." Julie frowned at her, who ignored her and kept chewing her broccoli.
"Pass the salmon, please," Marissa said to Kaitlyn, who was more than happy to. She took a medium-sized piece and within moments it was all gone.
As her stomach churned, one thing was on Marissa's mind; she hadn't binged and purged in two weeks. But she'd still eaten far too much. Just thinking of the food, sitting in her stomach and taking up space, made Marissa queasy.
"Can I be excused?" Marissa wiped her mouth on the cloth napkin on her lap and stood up from the table.
"Don't you want to stick around for dessert?" Jimmy asked, but was quickly silenced by a glare from Julie.
"Don't encourage her! She's gotten out of control lately."
"Julie – Marissa barely eats. Tonight is the first night in a while that she's actually eaten a whole meal. And if she wants dessert, she can have some."
"I don't want any," Marissa said, leaving the room. Julie, Jimmy, and Kaitlyn could hear her stomping up the steps.
"Now look what you've done," Jimmy admonished.
"Why can't Marissa eat dessert?" Kaitlyn asked her father.
"She can, sweetie," Jimmy assured her. "Don't you worry."
Upstairs, Marissa locked the door to her bedroom and went into the bathroom. She turned on both faucets and ran the bath. Kneeling down on the cold tiles, she bent over the toilet.
One shaking finger, two shaking fingers. Nothing. It had been awhile, and purging was turning out to be more difficult than she remembered.
Without a moment's hesitation, Marissa grabbed her toothbrush from the counter. Time was precious, and every minute wasted meant more food she couldn't get out of her system in time.
She crammed the toothbrush down her throat to the gagging point, and felt her stomach heave. Up came the salmon, dotted with green. Up came an emulsion of putrid green and a pinkish gray. Up came the unsightly mix again.
And when Marissa was satisfied she leaned back against the wall and sighed. Her throat burned, the raw patch at the back of her throat newly torn. And she felt positively miserable.
She couldn't control herself – she knew that much.
If she hadn't eaten all that food in the first place, she wouldn't have had to purge. The past two weeks Marissa had been eating a moderate amount of food, and felt okay.
But it would be easier to just not eat. Then she wouldn't have to worry about purging or getting fat.
Marissa washed her face, hands and toothbrush, and flushed the toilet. She went into her room and looked at the clock. Seven-thirty. At that moment, she decided she'd refuse to eat anything for as long as possible.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Marissa, did you eat something?" Julie entered the kitchen in her hand-woven terrycloth bathrobe. Kaitlyn was eating French toast and Marissa had a glass of water in front of her.
Marissa pointed to the French toast. "I already had some," she said.
Kaitlyn opened her mouth revealing a half-chewed brownish-yellow mush. "No you didn—"
"Kaitlyn, don't talk with your mouth full. Are you ready, Marissa?" Marissa nodded and pointed to the messenger bag strapped around her body. "Well then, let's go. Kaity, you've got a field trip today so I don't have to take you in until eleven."
Kaitlyn swallowed her food. "Okay Mommy. Bye, Marissa."
Julie bent down by Kaitlyn and kissed her.
Just then the doorbell rang. "I'll get it." Marissa ran to the door, wondering who would come by at such an ungodly hour. She opened the door and saw Kirsten Cohen. "Hi, Mrs. Cohen."
"Oh, good. You haven't left for school yet. Is your mom here?"
"Yeah. I'll get her." Marissa walked back into the kitchen. "Mom, it's Kirsten."
Julie hurried to the door.
"Kirsten!" Julie kissed her on both cheeks. "How are you?"
"Great, Julie," Kirsten said, withdrawing from her embrace. "By any chance can you take Seth to school? I've got a meeting in…" she checked her watch, "twenty minutes and I don't have time to take Seth myself."
"Of course I can," Julie said brightly. "Marissa, let's go."
"You're a lifesaver, Julie." Kirsten turned around and gestured for Seth, who was leaning awkwardly against the idling Range Rover, to come over to her. "Seth, have a good day at school." She kissed him on the head, and he groaned.
"Why can't I just take my skateboard?"
"Because you might get hit by a car, sweetie. And besides – you'll be late if you skate to school."
Marissa appeared at the door, her eyes barely open and face expressionless. She mock-yawned, as if to emphasize her mood. Seth…he was hardly worth her time or manners. "My mom's getting the car from the garage," she told him.
"Tell your mom I said thanks, Marissa." Kirsten kissed Seth again and left the two teenagers alone. They heard the garage door opening. Marissa turned on her heel and walked over to the car. She got in the front seat and Seth got into the back.
"Marissa, why don't you sit in the back with Seth?" Marissa ignored this entirely, fingering the zipper on her bag. "Marissa!"
Marissa sighed, exaggerating her discomfort as she clambered into the backseat. Well, she didn't have to talk to Seth. And she definitely didn't have to be nice. After all, it was her car and her space he was taking up.
"Everyone buckled?" Julie backed out of the driveway.
"Can you turn the radio on, Mrs. Cooper?" Seth asked. He reached into his black patch-covered backpack and took out a PopTart. Marissa wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"How can you eat those things?" she said, watching him as he first ate the edges, then dove into the icing covered center.
"Believe me – it's better than my mom's cooking." Seth finished off the PopTart and licked his lips.
"You've got some chocolate on your mouth." Marissa pointed to the spot and Seth wiped it off.
"Thanks."
Julie finally turned the radio on. One of Marissa's favorite songs, Paris in Flames, was playing.
Marissa began to sing along softly with Geoff Rickly. "…and we watch our lives bleed out through our hands, that's how it was on the first day we saw Paris in flames...I think it's going to rain, rain down…"
"You know Thursday?" Seth asked. Marissa looked sharply at him.
"Yeah, why?"
"They're one of my favorite bands. You know, I never would've taken you for a closet punk."
"I'm not." Marissa folded her arms and turned away from him, looking out the window.
"Okay, my mistake. You're an emo chick, for sure."
"I am not, Seth."
The song ended just as they arrived at school. "Have a good day, Seth. Marissa."
"Thanks, Mrs. Cooper." Seth opened the car door and slid out. Marissa followed him.
Marissa walked away from him as soon as they got onto the grass.
"Bye," he said, "Do you like Death Cab for Cutie?"
"Bye, Seth." Marissa looked at Seth, annoyed.
"Poison the Well?"
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Want some?" Luke pushed a plate of chips in front of Marissa.
"No thanks…I'm not really hungry." Marissa felt her stomach turn and anticipated a loud grumble. She laughed suddenly, as her stomach groaned.
"What?" Holly asked, munching on a M&M's cookie.
Marissa looked around and saw Seth Cohen on the ground. "Seth Cohen just tripped and fell!"
She pointed, and Luke followed her fingers. "Ha ha! What a fag."
Summer rolled her eyes and took a bite out of her turkey sandwich. "Cohen is such a loser. I can't believe your mom made you carpool with him this morning!"
Holly leaned forward and sniffed the air around Marissa. "She smells alright," she affirmed.
"Duh!" Marissa giggled, tapping her fingers nervously against the table. One two three, one two three, one two three… "I didn't sit right next to him or anything. And guess what he was eating?"
"A bagel?" Holly said.
"No."
"Chocolate chip pancakes?" she guessed again.
"No."
"Belgian waffles?"
"No! A PopTart, Hol. It was sickening. First he picked off all the outside crust, and then he ate the inside goo."
"I would never touch one of those things." Summer frowned. "You're lucky he didn't get it on you."
"God, no." Marissa shuddered at the very thought.
Holly stood up. "I'm gonna go get another cookie. They taste so good. Like, I can't stop eating them."
"Get me one?" Summer put down her sandwich and wiped her mouth with a paper napkin.
Holly nodded. "Sure. Do you want one too, Marissa?"
"No thanks. I'm not really hungry. Big breakfast." Marissa smiled and tried to block out visions of M&M's cookies going into her mouth. They might taste good, but only momentarily, and was it really worth it?
A few moments' pleasure was nothing. The cookies would taste like dust in her mouth, Marissa told herself. When she was thinner, then she'd be able to eat cookies. Not that she wanted to, of course. She didn't need them. She didn't really need anything.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Are you sure you're not hungry?" Jimmy stood in the doorway of Marissa's room.
"Yes, Dad. I'll get something to eat when I'm hungry, okay?"
"Sorry…I just thought…"
"Well, don't. I had a big lunch and Holly's mom brought smoothies when she picked her up."
"Oh. Okay. I just didn't want you to go hungry or anything." Jimmy turned to leave.
"Close the door, please." Jimmy nodded and shut her door.
Marissa curled up into a ball as the hunger pains grew more intense. It had been less than a day. How could she be so weak? She would grow stronger. She had to.
Homework spread out over her bed, Marissa decided to leave it unfinished and take a nap. After all, while she was sleeping she couldn't possibly be thinking about food.
Jimmy opened the door to Marissa's room and peeked in. She was fast asleep on top of the covers. Poor kid, he thought, she's so overworked at school.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Marissa stood in the kitchen, lights off and house quiet. Kaity had been asleep for hours. Marissa herself had only woken up half an hour ago. She'd finished her homework and when she dared herself to take a look at the clock, found it was ten o'clock. She hadn't eaten anything for over a day.
A day. Her stomach growled, and Marissa was reminded of what that meant. A day. She hadn't eaten.
The stainless steel refrigerator hummed innocently. Marissa stole a glance at it and began to walk towards it.
Stop.
What? Marissa looked around. She'd thought it, hadn't she?
Get back upstairs. You're not hungry, are you?
What? The refrigerator still beckoned Marissa, and before she knew it, she'd opened it and was basking in its light.
She reached in and took out a slice of lemon meringue pie.
Put it back.
Marissa knew she shouldn't eat it, she wasn't that hungry, not really. She kept thinking about putting it back. She was thinking that, right? Nobody was speaking to her; it was obviously all in her head.
Quietly, so as not to wake her parents or Kaitlyn, Marissa set the Saran-wrap covered plate on the counter. She opened the freezer section and took out a pint of Ben & Jerry's Brownie Batter.
Don't eat it.
Marissa slowly opened the mostly full container. A bit of frost topped the barely-touched ice cream. She grabbed a spoon from a drawer and stuck it in the carton, scooping out a generous amount of ice cream.
Don't you dare.
She shoved the ice cream into her mouth and chomped it furiously, swallowing it forcefully without really tasting it. Again Marissa dipped the spoon into the container. Again. And again.
She shoveled the chocolate goo as fast as she could, finding it strangely odd and comforting that she couldn't taste it. All Marissa could do was feel the cold ice cream sliding down her throat and gathering in her stomach.
All too soon Marissa reached into the container and found the spoon scraping against cardboard. She threw the carton away, unable to believe she'd devoured its entire contents in less than three minutes. She unwrapped the pie and crumpled the cellophane in her hands. She took her spoon and scooped the crust off.
Spoon to plate, spoon to mouth, repeat. And then the plate was empty, scraped clean with a desperation completely unfamiliar to her.
She put the plate and spoon in the sink and ran lukewarm water over them. The empty ice cream carton went in the garbage disposal. Marissa reached up and opened a cabinet, grabbing a box of Kashi GOLEAN. No. That wouldn't do. It was too…healthy. Too pure. Too un-guilty.
Marissa had to have something else.
Stop.
Marissa shooed the thoughts out of her head as she reached further into the cabinet and drew out a box of Cap'N Crunch. Jackpot.
It must've been something Julie bought on a whim, because, Marissa knew, her mother would never buy a sugary, fattening cereal.
She opened the box and tilted her head back, chewing desperately on the stale cereal as it slid into her mouth in a landslide manner.
That too, was gone within minutes. Marissa opened the refrigerator again and took out the butter. She opened the breadbox and withdrew the whole wheat bread – she would've preferred white or potato bread but she'd make do.
A knife slid the butter on the bread, and Marissa licked the edges. The knife pierced the tip of her tongue and she winced, but shoved the bread into her mouth to numb the pain. One, two, three slices. Just like that.
Marissa put the butter away, the bread back in its box, and dropped the knife into the sink with a clattering. She sat down on the tiled floor, sinking, not quite falling into it.
She sighed and patted her rounding stomach. It ached with all the food she'd consumed in the past fifteen minutes. Marissa sighed again. She was out of control. Helpless and completely, utterly out of control.
Marissa. Marissa.
There was always the toilet to escape her physical weaknesses and tomorrow was a new day. She could do it. And she'd start with that pesky food taking up space in her stomach.
Marissa was rooting for herself now, as she crept up the stairs and into her room. Leaning over the toilet, she heard herself think.
Good girl. Marissa.