Author's Note: Thanks to NaijaChiqa for her excellent beta-ing.
Chapter 1 - November 18, 2001
Chapter 2 - May 29, 2001
Chapter 3 - December 1, 2001
Chapter 4 - June 6, 2001
Lit - Summer is in this chapter. She is also scheduled to make an appearance next chapter. You'll see the effects of Marissa's illness on her throughout the story.
With-hel - More interaction between the girls? Definitely. I'm glad to hear that your friends intervened. It's really a life-ruining disease and to hear that you had support even when your family didn't suspect a thing is really nice to know.
Famous - Yes, I am on the road to recovery, I guess you could call it that. But every day is a struggle for me. Writing this story, I hope, will be like an outlet for my bottled-up emotions and will give me the strength I need to fight this ongoing battle.
December 12, 2001
"Hello, Marissa. How are you feeling?" Dr. Jones asked, walking into the examination room. Her smile crinkling her under-eye circles, Marissa tugged at her sweatshirt and smoothed her black terrycloth pants.
"I feel fine." She rubbed her forearms.
"How are your sessions with Dr. Shore going?"
Marissa shrugged. "He's nice. Did he say anything about me?"
"He's had only positive things to say about you so far. I really shouldn't be telling you this, but you're his favorite patient. He adores you, really." Dr. Jones winked at her and turned to the scale. "Let's get you weighed."
She sighed and slipped off her sandals, walking over towards the scale in the corner.
"Sweatshirt too, Marissa," Dr. Jones reminded her. She knew that some anorexics hid weights under baggy shirts or sweaters or even coins in their pockets or hoods. And while she doubted that Marissa had thought of these techniques, it was better to squash the slightest chance in the first place.
Marissa pulled the sweatshirt over her head, revealing her white cotton t-shirt, and handed it to her mother. Stepping onto the scale, she waited patiently for Dr. Jones to adjust the scales, closing her eyes, not bothering to catch a glimpse of her weight. Marissa was scared of what the numbers might mean to the doctor. She hoped that the five bottles of water she'd chugged as a breakfast weighed her down at least a couple of pounds. Because she had to pee like nobody's business.
Lately she'd been dead tired. Walking up the stairs was a struggle and Marissa was having a hard time hiding this from her parents, and she hadn't the slightest idea how she was going to keep hiding it. She slept in fitful bursts and woke up several times throughout the night.
A shiver ran down her spine and so she clutched her arms, rubbing them.
And another thing.
She was constantly freezing.
Dr. Jones noticed Marissa's trembling. "Are you cold?"
"A little," Marissa admitted, and bit her lip hard. She should've said 'no' but Dr. Jones had seen her shivering, right? she sighed.
"Marissa, you now weigh eighty-seven. That's five pounds less than last time and far too little for a growing girl of your height and age."
Eighty-seven. She'd cracked the 90's. She was dropping weight without really trying. Sure, she was barely eating, but she had no appetite. The very sight of food disgusted her - it really did - and she knew her digestive system was all out of whack.
Marissa would've smiled, if she had the energy to. Instead, she stepped off the scale and took her sweatshirt from her mother's lap, yanking it down over her hair and sitting in a chair.
Even the cushioning didn't soften the bone Marissa sat uncomfortably on. Her coccyx bone, she'd learned that last year in science class. She wiggled around in the seat, unable to get settled.
"Marissa." Dr. Jones waited until Marissa could focus on her, "Do you understand what you're doing to yourself? You're very sick." Turning to Julie, she added, "I think the hospital is our best bet. Marissa's not going to get better without some intervention."
Julie's jaw dropped. "Why is she losing more weight?" she demanded to know, her voice rising two decibels higher than its usual shrill, "And when can we get her to the hospital?" She stomped her high-heeled foot on the floor.
"Mom..." Marissa began.
"Mrs. Cooper, please. Sometimes these things are out of our control. Now, I'd like to speak with both you and your husband before we consider hospitalization. But the sooner we can get Marissa help, the better."
Mariss watched Dr. Jones write in her file.
"I don't need to go to the hospital," Marissa protested weakly, but she knew she did - well, she knew that she wouldn't be provided any other options so it was best to listen to them...sometimes. She'd do whatever they said, if they'd just let her sleep...she leaned her head against her arm and squeezed her eyes shut, allowing two lonely tears to escape, hurt that her mother never seemed to realize her sadness.
You're disgusting. And weak. Stay strong. You were doing so well, until now.
I know, thought Marissa, but they won't leave me alone. I'm just so tired.
Suck it up. You'll soon achieve perfection.
I'm right, I'll be perfect. Just two more pounds, that's all. I promise. Marissa smiled to herself.
"Marissa? Dr. Jones is talking to you!" Julie shook her arm. "Are you sleeping?"
Shaking visions of sleep out of her eyes, Marissa pulled her head back up and blinked at her mother. "What...sorry?" she said.
"Marissa," Dr. Jones again struggled to maintain eye contact, "I was just asking you if you were experiencing any other problems, other than extreme coldness. But I guess I can add tiredness to the list of symptoms."
"Yeah." Marissa yawned and realized what she'd said. "I mean, I've had so much homework lately that I stay up really late. That's all."
Dr. Jones nodded, suspecting a lie but not wanting to confront Marissa and risk a fight. She looked at Julie Cooper, sensing how much she wanted her daughter in the hospital, and she guessed Jimmy would feel the same way.
"Dr. Jones, is there any way you'd be able to make a house call? My younger daughter is having a sleepover party for her birthday and Jimmy and I obviously have to supervise." Julie glanced at Marissa. Her hair was limp and stringy, and it had lost its former lustrous appearance. Bags hung under her eyes, purply blue veins showing through her sallow complexion.
It was then that Julie realized: Marissa looked like hell. Or at least like she'd just survived hell.
Dr. Jones replied, "Certainly, Julie, considering the circumstances...you'd best get Marissa home and put her to bed though. She looks like she's about to pass out any second now. I'll call you before I stop by."
Julie nodded and Marissa stood up, leaning on the chair for support. She opened the door with claw-like hands, veins and joints popping out of her pale, yellowish skin.
A passing patient, there for a routine check-up, whimpered as she passed Marissa. To her, she looked like a zombie and she wondered if she had cancer or another terminal disease.
Marissa sat in the back seat of the car. Julie had insisted lately, for she was afraid that, God forbid they get into an accident, as fragile as she was. The passenger seat airbag would crush Marissa to death.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The doorbell rang and Julie sidestepped one of Kaitlyn's friends to answer it, assuming it would be Dr. Jones.
"Hey, Mrs. Coop— uh, is something wrong?" Summer stood at the door, pink Kipling bag over her shoulder.
"No, Summer...what are you doing here?" Julie whipped her head around as the sound of something falling and little girls screaming floated to her ears.
"Um, Marissa invited me to sleep over." Summer shifted her weight onto her right foot and tucked a lock of dark hair behind her ear. "But if this is like, a bad time...I can come over another time."
Julie shook her head. Marissa was going into the hospital soon, if she had anything to say about it and it was best if Summer saw her now. "Come in, Marissa's in her room. And excuse the confusion – Kaity's having a sleepover party."
Summer smiled. "I forgot it was her birthday. Tell Kaitlyn I said happy birthday." She walked past Julie and into the house.
Summer knocked at the door. "Come in," Marissa said. Summer entered and dropped her bag on the floor, shutting the door with a kick of her foot.
"Ohmigod, Coop, you look awful! What's wrong?" Summer jumped onto the bed, where Marissa was huddled beneath the covers.
"You saw me, like, four days ago, Sum," Marissa told her, "And I look the same. Fine."
They'd had a five-day weekend because it was the birthday weekend of the founder of Harbor School, and were scheduled to go back to school the next day.
"No..." Summer shook her head and wriggled under the covers. "You look a lot different."
"Well, I'm fine. It's just...my doctor wants to put me in the hospital, Sum." Marissa buried her head in Summer's neck and began to sob. Summer felt the warm tears sliding down her shoulder and collarbone.
"Shh..." she held Marissa close, "You'll be okay...sweetie, look at me." Marissa craned her neck so she was eye level with Summer. "Marissa – you need help. Please believe me, this is for the best."
"Oh, Sum," Marissa wailed, "I don't want to go...what's going to happen to me there?"
Summer took a deep breath. Seeing Marissa like this – when she was usually calm, cool, collected, and confident – was rendering her speechless. "You're going to get better."
"But I'm okay, really I am. I was sick like, two weeks ago. That's why I lost the weight...Summer, you have to believe me. No one else will." Marissa wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt, rubbing her nose against it as well and leaving a trail of wetness down it.
"Marissa, listen to me," Summer pleaded, "I hate seeing you like this. Your doctor is right, you need to get better."
"I'm trying, Sum! You don't understand. Nobody understands. Get away from me." Marissa slipped out from under Summer's arm. "I don't need anyone! I'm fine just how I am. You just don't get it..." She swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood up, wobbling unsteadily for a minute as the room swam around her. She slowly let herself drop to the carpet.
Summer leaned over the side of the bed. "Marissa..." But what was she to say? Summer thought. Marissa would refuse to listen to her. All she had to offer was comfort. Her parents, and doctor, would hopefully get her out of this mess.
Summer wished she had spoken up earlier when she'd first learned about Marissa's bulimia. But it seemed as though her best friend was anorexic. And she blamed herself for letting it all get out of hand.
She helped Marissa back onto the bed and tucked her snugly under the covers. Then she held Marissa close, feeling the familiar heave of Marissa's chest as she cried for everything that had gone wrong.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The doorbell rang again. This time, it was Kaitlyn who opened it.
"Hi," she said cautiously, her head peering around the open door.
"Hi, Kaitlyn, I'm Dr. Jones. Is your mom or dad home?" She bent down and patted her on the head. Kaitlyn hated it when adults did that to her just because she was short. "Is it your birthday?"
Kaitlyn nodded and grinned, showing a mouthful of gums. She had just lost her two front teeth and two of her bottom teeth had barely begun growing in.
Julie came to the door, followed closely by Jimmy. "Thank you for coming, Dr. Jones." Julie ushered the doctor in and led her to Jimmy's study, shutting the door behind them.
"What about the kids...?" Jimmy asked his wife.
"They'll be fine for a few minutes. I've just settled them down with 'Clueless' and that should keep them occupied." She sat down and turned her attention towards Dr. Jones.
"I'm sure Julie has been keeping you updated on Marissa," Dr. Jones began, "And I think that we need to admit her to a hospital."
Jimmy's eyes grew wide with fear. This was his daughter, his precious, perfect, firstborn daughter, the one he never had to worry about because she was the one who always did the right thing. "Julie did mention...But I had no idea really."
"I know this might be hard to accept, Mr. Cooper, but your daughter is extremely sick. It's not a matter of 'she's just lost a few pounds naturally' anymore. She's severely underweight and could be in serious danger. Now, I'm not qualified to help her recover fully, and I'll admit it. But in the hospital there are trained professionals, entire units for teenagers and adults alike suffering from eating disorders. And there, they'll be able to monitor every morsel that enters and leaves Marissa's body." Dr. Jones' eyes wandered around the mahogany study and stopped at the two Tiffany lamps on the desk.
"Well," Jimmy said, not really sure what to do. To be honest, he was in a state of shock. Marissa's health was in serious jeopardy and he hadn't even noticed. "When can we take her to the hospital?"
Julie put her head in her hands and shook. "Never mind that, for a second, Jimmy. Dr. Jones, how did it get this bad? How could we let Marissa become this sick? Am I really that terrible of a mother?" she asked, her voice cracking.
Dr. Jones decided to address Jimmy's question first. "Jimmy, it could take anywhere from a few days to several weeks. Of course, the sooner the bet –"
"That's unacceptable," Jimmy heard himself say. He was surprised his voice was so calm. "I want her in tomorrow."
"Mr. Cooper, so do I, believe me – and that takes me to your concerns, Mrs. Cooper. I'm not sure how Marissa's condition got this bad so quickly – and before you tell me that I'm a terrible doctor and what was I thinking, let me say this, Marissa was sick a week or two ago and I suspect she may have lost weight because of that. And since then – it just continued to drop. I thought we were handling the situation but obviously it's trickier than I expected."
"Julie, honey, you're not a bad mother. This isn't your fault. Marissa is sick." Jimmy took her hand in his and rubbed it soothingly. He didn't seem angry anymore. "Dr. Jones, just tell me who to call and I'll get Marissa admitted tomorrow."
Dr. Jones nodded and took out her cell phone. "Let me see what I can do," she said, turning away from the Coopers so that they could have a moment of alone time to console each other.
Dr. Jones left the Cooper house after giving Jimmy the numbers of several inpatient treatment facilities.
He stared at the piece of paper in his hand and, with a worried sigh, dialed the first one, the Brea Hospital Neuropsychiatric Center. And then the Children's Hospital at Stanford. The South Coast Medical Center sounded like the perfect match for Marissa, but they only took people eighteen and older suffering from eating disorders.
Jimmy knew he'd succeeded when he called Lucile Packard Children's Hospital. With a 15-bed center in Mountain View, they provided an inpatient program and were willing to accept Marissa immediately. Plus, they were associated with El Camino Hospital, an upstanding hospital that Jimmy knew of and trusted.
Dr. Livingston had said that they didn't normally accept patients just like that, but he'd already received a referral from Dr. Jones and thought that the center would help Marissa. She would not continue to see Dr. Shore on a weekly basis, or so Jimmy assumed. He'd call Greg in the morning and explain the situation to him.
Mountain View was a good six hours away from Newport, and Jimmy didn't expect Dr. Shore to make the trip to see Marissa. There would be qualified professionals on hand twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, to guide Marissa.
Jimmy walked slowly up the steps then, dreading what he'd have to do next. Julie had opted out of telling Marissa; instead she lit Kaitlyn's birthday cake candles and told her to make a wish.
He knocked on Marissa's door.
"Come in," Summer called. Jimmy entered, stepping over Summer's overnight bag, and saw Marissa sleeping in her arms. "She's sleeping."
Jimmy nodded. "Summer, sweetheart, could you give me a few minutes alone with her?"
"Sure, Mr. Cooper." Summer removed her arm from underneath Marissa's back and crawled out of the bed. "Is everything alright?"
He smiled slightly. "No, Summer." There was no point in lying. Marissa was sure to tell her best friend everything afterwards.
"Should I go home?" Summer gestured to her bag.
"There's no need. But would you mind going to help Julie with Kaity?"
Summer left the room and Jimmy sat down on the bed. He took her hand in his and shook it gently. "Marissa, princess, wake up."
She opened her eyes. "Summer? Oh...daddy."
Jimmy tried to ignore the bones poking his skin. She looked horrible, beautiful because she was his daughter and always would be, but truthfully, she looked like death.
"Marissa...I don't really know how to tell you...but we're taking you to a hospital tomorrow. In Mountain View."
Marissa's eyes clouded over with tears. "Why?" she asked quietly. And then, voice rising to a shout, "Why? How can you do this to me? I thought you loved me!"
Jimmy hugged her then, but she struggled to escape his grasp. He held her tight though, and when she stopped struggling, started to cry.
"I do love you," he whispered, not sure she could even hear him, "I just don't want to lose you."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" Marissa asked.
Summer shook her head. "It's late, you should be resting up. You've got a long drive ahead of you tomorrow." Her voice wavered on the 'tomorrow'.
Marissa threw her arms around her. "I'm going to miss you, Sum."
"Love you," Summer choked out, before opening the car door.
"I'll try to call you when I get there," Marissa called after her. Summer and Jimmy waved from the car as he backed it out of the driveway. Marissa shivered as she watched the car fade from view, then hurried back into the house.
Kaitlyn and her friends were all sleeping, and Julie was in her bedroom. Marissa climbed into her mother's bed and curled up next to her under the covers.
"Oh, Marissa..." was all Julie could say.
Oh, Marissa.