Author's Note: Here's another chapter because you've all been so patient. Thanks!
Chapter 1 - November 18, 2001
Chapter 2 - May 29, 2001
Chapter 3 - December 1, 2001
Chapter 4 - June 6, 2001
Chapter 5 - December 12, 2001
Chapter 6 -June 19, 2001
December 13, 2001
"Are we there yet?" Kaitlyn asked for the fourth time since they'd left Newport at eight-thirty that morning.
Jimmy checked his watch. "Not quite there yet, sweetie."
"But I'm bored," Kaitlyn protested, "And Marissa's sleeping. I want a pony."
"Kaitlyn," Julie warned, "Behave. You can watch a movie on the DVD player if you wear the headphones."
Kaitlyn pouted. "I hate wearing these headphones," she said, taking the clunky noise-eliminating headphones that her mother handed to her.
"Kaitlyn...put them on. Just be quiet. Do you want to watch Model Behavior, Spy Kids, or Monsters, Inc.?"
"A Bug's Life," she replied.
"You're watching Monsters, Inc."
"But mommy..."
"Kaitlyn!"
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!" Kaitlyn shook Marissa.
Marissa rubbed her eyes and looked out of the car window and saw a large brick building. The hospital. Treatment center. Whatever. No matter what they called it, it was still the place they were going to fatten her up.
The very thought made her eyes watery, but no, she wouldn't cry. Because that would show weakness, it would show that she actually cared about leaving her family and entering treatment.
"Kaity, stop." Marissa said, suddenly realizing that Kaitlyn was still jiggling her arm. She unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of the car, reaching her hands over her head to stretch.
"Marissa, take Kaity inside. Your mom's already in there, filling out the paperwork." Jimmy opened the trunk and took out Marissa's Louis Vuitton rolling suitcase. It wasn't large, and was only halfway filled. The center had given them a minimal packing list and Marissa hadn't had the energy to argue about it.
Kaitlyn scrambled out of the car and Marissa gave the door a light shove. The sun was shining a little too brightly for Marissa's liking.
Marissa felt Kaitlyn's small, smooth hand wrap around hers and she squeezed it reassuringly. They walked into the hospital and sat in two cushioned orange chairs. Julie was at the main desk, talking animatedly with the secretary.
Marissa sighed and put a hand over her forehead. Being in a car for hours upon hours, then going into direct sunlight had made her extremely dizzy. She closed her eyes for what seemed like a moment.
"Marissa, Marissa, come on!" Kaitlyn tugged on her shirt. Marissa opened her eyes and saw her parents gesturing for her to get up. She slowly stood up, squeezed her eyes shut, then opened them.
It was time to face the music.
She yawned and quickened her pace to catch up with her parents, Kaitlyn tagging along behind her.
A tall man was talking with Jimmy, running a hand through his wavy light brown hair. He turned to the side as Marissa stepped into line between Jimmy and Julie.
"Hello, Marissa, I'm Dr. Livingston," he said, greeting her.
"Hi," she replied, silently assessing him.
"We're going to take you up to your room, and then I'll let you get situated while I talk to your parents for a bit. How does that sound?"
"Great." Even in her exhausted state, she couldn't keep the sarcasm out of her tone.
Dr. Livingston smiled, and Julie glared. "Marissa!" she warned, "Mind your manners." Then, regaining her composure, she said, "Shall we go up?" She hit the button for the elevator.
In the mirror-walled elevator, Marissa watched her parents, Kaitlyn, and the doctor. Kaitlyn twirled a pigtail around her pudgy finger and licked her lips. Jimmy's eyes were darting around the confined space nervously. He kept sneaking glances at Marissa. Julie tapped her foot impatiently; Marissa was saddened to find that even with these circumstances, she was an inconvenience to her mother. Arms crossed, Dr. Livingston kept his eyes on the elevator doors.
Marissa smiled, and then quickly frowned down, remembering that everyone could see her expression in the mirrors. She was the cause of all of this. She had power over them. All of them. They were here because of her.
The doors slid open and the Coopers followed Dr. Livingston down a bare hallway. He stopped at a door marked N219.
"Are you ready?" he asked Marissa. Julie and Jimmy nodded for her and held hands. He opened the door and held it open for them.
He led them down another hallway, past an open area with several tables, as well as some closed doors. Finally, he knocked on a door. "Everybody decent?"
"Yes!" came the answer, and then he opened the door.
Two girls were huddled on the bed nearest the door, reading a magazine.
"Hi, Dr. Livingston," the girl on top of the covers said.
"Jane, Hanna. I'd like you to meet Marissa. She'll be staying here. Marissa, meet your new roommate, Hanna."
Marissa eyed the girl's flowing chestnut locks, her big blue eyes and her ashen complexion. She would be very beautiful, Marissa admitted to herself, if not for that pasty skin tone and gaunt face.
"Hi, Marissa," Jane and Hanna chorused, pasting smiles on their faces like macaroni on construction paper for a kindergarten art project. The smiles were...practiced, she decided, and not all that friendly.
Marissa just looked at her father, who managed a weak smile.
"Jane, why don't you go put on a movie in the lounge? You'll be able to talk with the girls later." Dr. Livingston smiled as Jane picked herself off the bed and walked a bit unsteadily out of the room. He turned towards Marissa. "Why don't you get yourself acquainted with Hanna? I'd like to speak with your parents." He waited for her to respond, almost as if asking for her seal of approval. Marissa forced herself to nod and took a tentative step towards Hanna's bed.
"Kiddo, I'm just going to leave this here for you...wherever you want to put it." Jimmy swallowed quickly and pointed to her suitcase. Dr. Livingston held the door open and Jimmy and Julie exited. He winked at Marissa before shutting the door.
"So, uh...what are you in here for?" Marissa placed her hand on her hip.
Hanna scrutinized her for a few seconds. "Are you going to just stand there?" she asked, "Or are you going to make yourself at home? Because from the look of you, you're going to be here for a while."
Marissa smirked. "Yeah, right. I'll be out of here in no time. My parents won't make me stay for long; really, it's more of a visit."
Hanna raised an eyebrow, and Marissa felt compelled to think of her neighbor, Mr. Cohen. Only Hanna's eyebrows weren't as prominent as his were.
"Do you have any idea what you've gotten yourself into?" she said, patting the bedspread by her feet. "Sit down. You've got a lot to learn."
Marissa's eyes narrowed. Who was this girl to get all up in her business and tell her how long she was going to be in here? "You're obviously in here for a reason," she said coolly, ignoring Hanna's invitation.
Hanna threw her hands up. "Jeez! Don't get pissed or anything. I was just saying...you know what? I was in here for a reason, but now? I'm not so sure. I'm recovering from anorexia and I feel great. I haven't cut in three weeks either. Life is so...refreshing now."
"Are you kidding? Have they brainwashed you or something? You're like, a total zombie," Marissa asked. She could enjoy Hanna's company, she supposed.
"No, no, I thought just like you did when I first came here," Hanna assured her, "I had no faith in anything and I didn't care what happened to me. Then I realized that I didn't want to die. I want to be free."
Marissa's brows furrowed. "You cut? What?"
"Sit down," Hanna repeated, "I used to. Like, I would slash my thighs with a razor. And my wrists. I've got scars." She rolled up her sleeve and stuck her arm out. "Terrible habit, I know."
Marissa gaped at the rows of scars, some just shadows and some still quite raw, lined up from Hanna's wrist to just below her elbow.
"Don't be so shocked," Hanna said, "And will you please sit down!"
She sat on the edge of Hanna's bed, accidentally grazing her leg. "Sorry," Marissa whispered, dumbstruck by what she'd just seen.
"Don't be." Hanna smiled and held out her hand. "Friends?"
Marissa placed her hand over Hanna's. "Okay," she agreed. After all, they were now roommates.
"You know," Hanna said, "You're still a crazy. I'm not." But before she could ask what that meant, Hanna continued, "Let me tell you about all the patients in this wing. And the nurses. You've got to watch out for Nurse Bradshaw – she's sour as lemons..."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Jimmy glanced at his watch. "Jules, we'd better get going." He pointed to Kaitlyn who was curled up in Julie's arms. "It's late, but I've got a meeting tomorrow that I can't postpone."
Julie stood up and Kaitlyn grumbled. "Marissa, sweetheart, we're leaving." Marissa stood up and stiffly kissed her mother.
She hugged her, then breathed in the expensive smell so she could remember it when they were gone.
"I'll call you tomorrow," Julie told her, "I love you." She shook Kaitlyn gently. "Kaity, we're leaving. Do you want to say goodbye?"
"Bye, sissy," Kaitlyn murmured. Marissa kissed her mussed up hair and patted her.
Jimmy cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, kiddo," he said, brushing Marissa's cheek with his lips. A single tear rolled down his cheek and Marissa squeezed her insides tightly, so as to keep herself from breaking into tears.
They were leaving. This was for real.
"Take me with you," she whispered. Jimmy seemed not to hear her, and instead followed Julie and Kaitlyn out of the room.
And then she was alone.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Morning, girls!" A robust woman in uniform flicked on the lights. Hanna groaned and rolled over, pulling the covers around her face.
Marissa shoved her head under her pillow and pulled her covers to her chin. They kept these hospitals freezing, she thought; it was ridiculous really, especially when there were so many sick patients to consider.
"Time for breakfast." The nurse said, struggling to remove the pillow from Marissa's head. "Oh, you're the new one!" she said, seeing Marissa's face for the first time. "I'm Miss Brenda, that's Miss Hawkins to you now. I'll just leave your breakfast on the night table. You'd best get up and eat quickly though. Dr. Livingston wants a word with you at eight sharp."
Once Miss Hawkins had given Hanna her breakfast tray, she left the room. Marissa curled up, intending to go back to sleep again. But Hanna bounced onto her bed.
"Mind if I eat with you?" Hanna asked, but Marissa could already hear her chewing. She sat up and watched a forkful of eggs disappear into Hanna's mouth.
"How can you just...eat...just like that?" Marissa asked. She glanced at her own tray, the untouched food growing cold.
Hanna swallowed and picked up a glass of orange juice. "You can't keep up the charade forever, you know," she remarked somewhat sadly, her eyelids drooping, "I tried."
Marissa wanted to ask her just what she meant but kept quiet. Hanna seemed alright but she wasn't prepared to tell her everything.
Hanna continued without skipping a beat. "I didn't eat when I first came here and they were fine with it. For a little while. But then they hooked me up to these awful tubes and I was force-fed. All day. Nutrients constantly feeding into my bloodstream. They'll do it to you eventually. You might as well eat and get it over with."
Mechanically, Marissa reached for her tray and placed it on her lap. She picked up her fork and began to section off the eggs.
Don't. They can't make you.
When the eggs were spread across her plate in tiny pieces, she poked them into a neat little pile on one side of her plate. Hanna picked up her breakfast biscuit and took a bite. Marissa pulled hers apart until it was in six pieces, and then cast them next to the eggs.
After she cut the strawberries into three bits each and heard the hollow tinkle of fork against plate, she dropped it on the tray. She liked the sound, she decided. Empty sounded just as good as it felt.
"Are you going to eat those?" Hanna pointed to the strawberries, lined up like soldiers. Marissa shook her head. "Can I have them?"
Marissa stared at her plate. Everything was in order; the meal was untouched, everything was still there.
To ruin it would wreck her handiwork. But if she did give Hanna the fruit, it would seem as though she was making an effort to eat...
Wordlessly Marissa scooped her strawberries onto Hanna's plate. Hanna caught a piece on her fork and chewed it slowly. She grinned at Marissa with her mouth still full. "Thanks," she said.
No, thank you, thought Marissa, but just replied, "Don't mention it."
Good. You see how easy it is? A piece of cake. You'll have them all wrapped around your finger in no time.
Once Hanna was finished with the strawberries, she put her tray on her nightstand. Marissa did the same. Hanna walked over to the chest of drawers across from her bed and pulled out a purple t-shirt and jeans.
"What are you doing?" Marissa looked down at her hospital nightgown.
Hanna turned and gazed questionably at Marissa. "What do you think I'm doing? Getting dressed, of course!"
"But why? It's not like you're going anywhere.".
Hanna shrugged. "You can wear that if you want to..." she pointed to the gown, "But I wouldn't be caught dead in it during the day."
Marissa slid out of bed, flinching when her bare feet hit the cold floor. She opened her suitcase and took out her black Juicy lounge pants and a light pink Michael Stars tee.
"Why do they keep it so cold in here?" she wondered aloud. She slipped out of the nightgown and rubbed her arms in a futile attempt to warm up.
Hanna studied Marissa's figure. "Maybe if you weren't so damn skinny, maybe if you actually had an ounce of fat then you wouldn't be so cold," she said under her breath.
She was jealous, that was all, Marissa told herself as she turned her back on Hanna and changed. Marissa could tell that she was upset because she had given in, wasn't strong enough to survive.
You won't let yourself give up, will you? You're not that thin anyway. This is total nonsense, this hospitalization. You're perfectly healthy.
Yes, I am, Marissa agreed...with herself?
"Are you ready?" Hanna asked after a few moments, and Marissa realized that she'd spaced out. She half-nodded and zipped up her suitcase. She'd have to unpack later. No...it was probably best that she didn't. She wouldn't be in here long. They'd realize sooner or later that she was in good health.
Hanna opened the door to their room and bumped into Dr. Livingston. "Oh...Dr. Livingston, hi," she mumbled, and slipped past him. "Catch you later, Marissa!"
"Good morning, Marissa. How are you?" Dr. Livingston shut the door and walked over to Marissa. She sat down on her bed in response. He opened a manila folder, scanned its contents, and shut it. "I'm just going to take a few minutes to let you know what's going on here. Then you can go join the other girls."
She nodded dutifully, not really listening as the doctor pulled a chair up beside her bed.
"No one is going to force you to eat, Marissa," he said. Marissa looked sullenly at him. "But, if you do not eat on your own, we'll have to hook you up to an IV in order for you get the proper nutrients."
"Why?" Marissa questioned. "I know what I'm doing. I'm fine. I don't see why it's anyone's business but my own."
Dr. Livingston took in her skeletal features; she was all bones and sunken-in cheeks. "You'll die," he told her, "You'll die if you don't eat."
"So?" she challenged nonchalantly, "It's my body. I don't want anything contaminating it."
"There are so many people who don't want you to die, Marissa. And there's so much to live for. So unfortunately, what you want is not our first priority here. Keeping you alive, that's on the top of our agenda." Dr. Livingston shook his head. It always saddened him to see these girls blinded by the sheer pleasure they got from watching everybody around them suffer, so much that they didn't even feel their own pain and misery.
Marissa's eyes flared with anger. The doctor didn't know what he was talking about! Nobody really cared what happened to her; it just wouldn't be right if they said so while she was still around. She'd show them. When she was dead, they'd all be sorry, and...wait.
She wasn't going to die.
No.
No.
Definitely not.
Definitely.
Because she wasn't even sick.
Sick? You? Please.
She was as far from death as humanly possible. She would fly free soon enough. When she was no longer weighed down by herself, then they'd all understand.