Letting Go to Hold On

Arrhyth: This is a Subaru/Kamui fluff with a happy ending. I am not sure of the ending of the series itself, so this is labeled AU ending, just in case. You may get bits of angst here and there but this is essentially a happy fic. A cute fic, if you will, because I really do need a pick-me-up after the almost unrelieved angst of the X/1999 section. If you do not like this, please go away now. I'll appreciate criticism, but please, do it nicely.

Kamui-

He once said that only Sakurazukamori could bring him true happiness.

Now that everything is over and our 'special' ones are gone, what do we do? Fuuma is gone. So is Seishirou. I remember that Subaru and I held each other and cried. At that time, only our shared grief was holding us together, because, after all, misery loves company, doesn't it? At that time, all I could do was lie there in his arms and whisper Fuuma's name. I'm quite sure he was talking about Seishirou, but I was too caught up in my own misery to notice. We both were.

The thing is, at that point in time; both of us were too battered to do anything else. Whenever one of us had been hurt afresh, the other would be there. Like the time that Subaru risked himself in the mind-dive for me, like the time I held his hand after he lost his eye. But now, we were both shattered.

The only solace was that we were broken together.

Being alone was a bit more than either of us could take at that point, and it worried me. Was that all Subaru and I had? Need, and common grief? The surrogate for those we'd lost? Why was it that we were so dependent on each other, not physically, but emotionally? In using each other as crutches, were we only crippling ourselves further?

I didn't know if I wanted to know.

"Subaru, you're home!"

I threw the apron off, headed to the door at smiled up at him. Even though I'd grown, Subaru was still taller than I was, after all. He reached out towards me, caressed my face. I leaned almost subconsciously into his touch... we'd both been trying to move on, though I'd probably been doing better than he had.

It was at times like this that I wondered whether despite my burden as the chosen one, the so-called 'resilience of youth' still held. Or was it that I had no time to brood? In an almost guilty way, I had found myself moving past Fuuma. That strange passion for him had faded, faded to the love I felt for Kotori. I still loved him, but Fuuma was now part of my past.

Subaru had brooded over Seishirou for nine years. Subaru had never had a sense of closure about Seishirou... the Sakurazukamori had been a complicated person. Subaru had been thinking on it for so long, and yet he didn't know whether Seishirou really loved him.

Personally, I thought Seishirou had always loved Subaru, in his own way. But was the way of the Sakurazukamori the right way for Subaru? We would never know, of course. But it didn't change the fact that for nine years, for the prime of Subaru's life; Seishirou had been Subaru's sole obsession. In fact, even now I was unsure as to whether the Sakurazukamori was still his obsession.

Subaru spoke then, breaking into my reverie. "Did you just get home?"

I looked down at my uniform, then back at him. "Mm, but it's alright. It's my turn to cook dinner anyway." Sorata once said Yuzuriha and I would make good wives... He unknotted my tie, undoing the first button of my shirt, then gently traced my collarbone. I choked back a little mew, but I have a feeling he knew it anyway. "Go take a bath, Kamui. I'll set the table."

I nodded my acquiescence, slipping down the hallway to the bathroom. Subaru knew how much I loved baths... he would probably join me in a moment anyway. As I had predicted, the door cracked open and Subaru entered, only clad in boxers and the gentle smile I loved so much.

Our touches were never anything but chaste, and this time was no different as he slid into the tub and began to wash my back for me, the lathered sponge sliding over the knotted scars on my back with gentle, fluid movements.

Scars acquired from our battles. Battles with Fuuma, battles where he stared at me so gently. It perplexed me, how Fuuma could be so cruelly gentle. For the first time I'd seen him, after the death of Kotori, I'd let him cup my face. Touch me. For a moment there I was sure he loved me... until that grip tightened so painfully.

I think Subaru must have felt like that with Seishirou too.

Subaru traced the longest of my scars with one gentle finger, and I twisted my head to look at him. He gave me a sweet-sad smile and whispered, "You shouldn't be marked like this, Kamui. It's wrong."

On impulse I turned, hugging him to me as I knelt between his legs. "Neither should you. Neither should anyone."

Getting out of the tub to retrieve the shampoo, I poured a little into my hands, getting back in and beginning to wash his hair for him, rubbing the soap into the soft hair. Subaru liked me to wash his hair for him- he said I was good at it. I didn't mind- I liked playing with his hair, watching him close his eyes and sigh under my ministrations.

After rinsing each other off, we dried each other through the coarse, fluffy towels without speech.

Dinner was a peaceful affair- I talked about school, and he told me about work that wasn't related to being a Sumeragi or being the Sakurazukamori. Some topics... were just not for us. Not yet. We talked about the things normal couples talked about- he told me about the boss who would probably faint if she knew the man she was chasing couldn't invite her to his house because of the years-younger boy who was his gay lover.

I laughed at that- Subaru and I were not lovers yet, not in the physical sense of the word. Dessert was chocolate pudding, consumed over talk of the girls who had seen Subaru picking me up from school and were now clamoring for his phone number. I hadn't given away the fact that we lived together.

After dinner, we went to our bedroom/study- it had been a relief to knock a wall down conventionally. The 'study' was one half of that oversized room; our desks set in an L-shape that allowed Subaru to see the door. Old habits of safety and protectiveness die hard, I guess. Our bed was set against the wall- a comfortably plush double bed.

Subaru never went to bed before me, or vice versa- we always fell asleep together. I pulled my homework out of my bag as Subaru picked a book from our shelf. This rule about sleeping was never set in stone: like so many other things with Subaru and I, it was merely a matter of silent consensus. We never minded waiting for each other.

I was no longer shy about asking Subaru questions about my homework, although he was very fond of reminding me of 'how adorable' my blush made me look when I apologized for troubling him with my requests for help back then at the CLAMP Academy. A sudden idea struck me, so I leant forward, swiveling my chair to face him. "It's other things that make me blush now, Subaru."

I don't know what possessed me to say that. Maybe it was time to find out the answer to my unanswered question- the one whose answer I was afraid of.

I'm pretty certain he knew I was baiting him, but he fell quite willingly into my trap anyway. "Oh really, Kamui? Such as?"

The look on my face was half-coy, half-shy- Subaru later told me it looked as if I couldn't figure out whether to look sweet or seductive- but I gamely went on. Homework could wait. "The way you kiss me... hold me..."

It's hard to remember just which one of us stood up first, but I know that Subaru guided me over to the bed, his arms encircling me, my hand clasped around his neck as he nuzzled me, burying his nose in my hair and taking several deep breaths. When his mouth finally met mine, it was different from the kisses in the past- those had been sweet, and Subaru had never tried anything more. The look in his eyes always told me two things: he would never do something like that unless I wanted it, and secondly, he would not take me until he was sure he could give himself to me too.

I hoped.

That kiss was hungry and heated and unlike anything Subaru and I had ever shared in the past- he ran his tongue across my lips and I parted them obediently, tasting him as he did me. The residue of the chocolate pudding from dinner, a deliciously minty taste, and the fading tang of the cigarettes he used to smoke for Seishirou. He'd weaned himself off them ever since the passing of Sakurazukamori- he said they didn't have that much apart of play in his life anymore. Silently, I was glad for him.

We made love that night- well; more like Subaru made love to me. I don't think I did anything other tan lie there and moan and whimper and scream his name, beg him to let me come. Even three weeks after, I still tingled like mad whenever I remembered him. It got to the point where even the teachers asked why I'd just blush in the middle of a lesson for no apparent reason whatsoever. The answering imagery usually led to a wild shake of the head and an even harder blush.

But after that... I think he let go of Sakurazukamori. The way I had Fuuma. Memories, a part of him, but not his present. As he said-

"I have to let something go to hold on to what I love."

Arrhyth: There. Done. Whether you loved it or hated it... shrug Review and tell me! I'd appreciate ways on how to improve this...