The penmanship of this entry is rough, giving the impression that the author is trying to reacquaint herself with the act of writing.
Entry 20 -
It feels strange to be writing again. It's good, but it feels like years ago when I wrote my last entry. In actuality, only 6 weeks have past since the fateful day that fueled the nightmares that haunted me. They haunt me still, but now I have the strength to fight them.
In the days that followed the madness at the well, I hid in the woods, fearing for my life. The events of that day terrified me, and the terror seemed even greater after I was raised. The images I witnessed that day sank into my very soul, chilling it. During the day, I had little to eat, surviving on the food rations I carried and berries and fruit I was able to find. Every night, the images replayed themselves in my dreams, tearing at my mind. Progressively, the nightmares got worse, as my fears and deluded mind fueled them with more horrifying images.
The nightmares... It hurts so much to think about them, the fear is so paralyzing. I must write about them though. It will do me no good to react to the fear by running from it. I've done that for far too long, at the expense of my sanity.
It starts out with me visiting the well in town to see friends. Many friends appear to greet me. I think all show, but it seems I have too many friends to be sure. Braeth never appears though. We all talk, having a good time. As the day becomes night, I notice strange lights appearing around the well. Justinia and I investigate. Though I don't make the observation in the dream they are the same lights as... as before. Then the earth shakes. I fall down. As I get helped back up, I turn to Justinia and (a jagged line streaks across the page) Sorry, the image... it's so strong. I saw Justinia as as as... a demon. She tries to convince me to enter the light. I real back, turn to other friends for help, but (another jagged line) Demons everywhere. Another tremor, and I feel like I'm falling forever, with demons closing (jagged line which turns into a rip)
I'm okay. I needed to stop for a while. Even though I know it to be a dream, it still grips my mind with an icy grasp. Pure fear is all I can feel when I conjure them in my head. It is this paralyzing fear that led me to madness. My lack of good food must also have played some part. I started to see the demons while awake. Every noise I heard in the woods would seem like a roar of a demonic beast. Every person, friend or foe, that I happened to see was a demon. The daytime images contributed to the fear, which made the nightmares worse, which made the day worse, etc.
A viscious cycle that nearly stripped all of my sanity away. I lived on instinct alone for those many weeks. Quite like an animal, really. A timid rabbit. My concerns only were for a place to hide, food to eat, and staying away from the demons. Demons which seemed to be everywhere. I even believed my god had forsaken me. Of that, I feel most ashamed, and I pay for it now. I know my god hasn't forsaken me, but I can't help but choke when invoking his name.
I surely would have been completely lost if it wasn't for Braeth's amulet. He was the only one in my dreams that was untouched by the demons, for he wasn't there. I have great love for him, and he has for me. He gave me that amulet as a way for him to protect me even if he wasn't there. That amulet, and the love and thoughts that were connected to it, was my small life raft in the chaotic sea of paranoia that I was adrift in.
If I only had the courage earlier to have sought help, I may not have descended so far into my madness. It's fortunate, then, that I did finally run out of food. Otherwise, I'd still be cowering in the woods. After I could find no more food, I realized that I would have to return to town to find some. Could you believe that I almost... I almost chose to die, rather return to a town in which I believed was full of demons. And even if I was able to find food and get out, I was still surrounded by demons. Better to die, than continue in my unending hell. Again, Braeth's amulet saved me, by giving me enough hope that he would one day find me.
So I returned to town, injured by bandits (to me they were demons), scared out of all my wits, and hungry enough to eat ten horses. I was able to sneak in without much notice, and proceeded to search around the town for some food. Every person I saw, appeared as a demon. The well still had it's glowing lights in my mind. Some people approached me, wanting either help or greet me. I ran screaming, thinking a demon was going to get me. I hope people aren't too offended at me calling them demons.
Then, a voice called out, piercing through all the fear. It was my name, being called by Braeth. He must have heard my screaming. His voice, so full of worry and concern, stopped me in my tracks. Never in my life have I felt so much relief. I threw myself at him, breaking down and crying hysterically. He comforted me and gave me some food. Friends surrounded to make sure I was okay, but to me, they still appeared to be demons, and I'm afraid I acted as such. Braeth decided to take me to his refuge in the woods, where he could take care of me while I relax and get better.
He fed me, comforted me, and reminded me of who I was. He even used an elven ritual to join our minds so that he could take some of the burden of my fear from me. He also proposed to me. My disappearance shook him deeply, and made him realize how much he loves me. And I slept in his arms, and it was the first peaceful nights sleep I had in a long time. The nightmare did come for me that night, but Braeth was there in my dream to take me away from it. My Braeth, my rescuer, my Love.
Unfortunately, I'm not fully recovered. Braeth opened my mind back to reality, letting me see people for what they truly are. But the images of demons overlaps. The fear and paranoia is still in me, despite Braeth's aid to banish it. As long as I try to concentrate on the true images, I can keep the fear away. It was harder to do so when I approached the well, though. In fact, all I could see when looking at the well is the lights. While I can ignore a demon image on, for example, Vashere, I can't ignore the lights around the well. The lights were very real on that night I died, so the image is stronger.
I'm not completely cured of this affliction of the mind, but I've at least regained much of my former life. I only hope that I'm strong enough to keep the fear away for good.
Penmanship has improved for the most part. The writing seems only to be rough when writing about something fearful.
Entry 21 -
I've realized in these past few days how much I truly missed living as a normal person and seeing friendly faces. It's odd though, returning to having a normal life is like putting on an old shirt. The shirt just doesn't feel like it fits the same as remembered.
Braeth and I left the inn today and we headed toward the well. He was suddenly attacked for no apparent reason by a person. He knocked the attacker out, but when the man awoke, he proceeded to attack Braeth again! Braeth was about to arrest the man, but he ran away. Braeth wondered why he did that. I offered that perhaps the man was crazed by fear like I was, but instead of fleeing, he chose to fight.
I then turned to walk toward the well, as I saw Kanen and Seven there and wanted to speak with them. The lights... they still appear around the well. I just have to keep reminding myself that they aren't real now. Kanen and Seven were glad to see me, and Kanen even had a few of my belongings that I lost when I was killed... on that... night. Just some of my outfits and my healer's kit. It was comforting to see the two concerned about me.
Kanen then asked Seven if she'd like to accompany him to the Nars Pass to fight off some bandits. Braeth asked if he and I could also join them. I think he was wanting me to get into battle to build up my courage again. I just wish he didn't brag about my healing being helpful. I'm still stumbling on the simplest of prayers and chants. Not wanting to disappoint Braeth, I agreed to go. A halfling swordswoman by the name of Drudd also joined us. She has a rough personality at first, but I think she's a good person at heart. Definitely very skilled with her sword. The only thing that worries me is that Kanen told me that she's spoken a few times to... to Vinessa.
We traveled the Nars Pass, driving off the bandits very easily. I doubt I was much help though. Braeth's bow seemed to fell bandits before I even realized they were there. Kanen, Seven, and Drudd also seemed to bring bandits to their knees in only one or two blows. I flung as many rocks as I could at some bandits, which I suppose at least distracted a few. At one point I was being attacked by two bandits, and got hit pretty hard, but the others were ready to defend me as I fell back. I tried a couple of times to chant a healing spell, but again, I tripped up on a few words, much to my disappointment.
Braeth had to leave, and the rest of us returned to town and sat by the well. I told Kanen of how I still see images of demons on top of the real people that I see. He jokingly replied that it was the first time he's ever been called a demon. "Time will heal your wounds," he says as he saw my sadness at the situation. But how long? After all, time was what allowed the wounds to dig deep. I appreciate his kindness though.
People shouted of how Atol was on a ramage through the Nars Pass. He apparently traveled down and killed a person at the mine. Many people gathered at the North Gate to plan a party to drive the chief of the bandits back. I went there to see them off, but I wasn't going to go. Atol is too powerful a foe for me to handle, especially in my condition. Karion also arrived. He kind of startled me at first though. The helmet he wore made the demon image start to come to life, but as soon as I heard his voice and he removed the helm, the fear subsided.
I talked with him for a few minutes, telling him of my unfortunate troubles. Then something Kanen said seemed to carry through the many conversations going on and rang out in my head. Suddenly, all I could see around me were demons, and fear was squeezing my heart. The paralyzing nightmare world washed over me for a few minutes, though it felt like an eternity. After reality returned to me, I found myself collapsed on the ground with Karion hovering over me.
He was very worried about what happened, and I told him how something Kanen said had caused the attack. Karion wasn't sure what it could have been, and said how Kanen's been worried about a missing paladin. Something about what he said tugged at me, not just fear but also concern. I have many paladin friends. So I asked him to elaborate. All I can remember of what he next said are the words "sUCcubUs" and "Ju (jagged line running across the page)
Entry 22 -
I'm sorry for the abrupt end of the last entry. My demon world clawed at me again. Just thinking about... Her... conjures unbelievable fear in me. I see her in my mind, as a demon... and then the phantom demons overtake reality...as the fear grips me... I can't shove the demon of Her from my mind like I can with everyone else. Hers is the one demon that was True. Can't help that I died while trying to reason with Her.
It shames me how I turn into such a pathetic, crazed fool who's driven so blindly by fear. Braeth keeps saying it's not my fault, but it partially is. I let the fear overcome me and now I have to fight to drive it away. It tires me so.
I was quite surprised when I saw Ruri today. She has no demon image. Braeth has long been the only person I see fully as a normal person without a phantom demon in my mind. This is because he was my one hope that held a shred of sanity when my mind was shattered. But now Ruri doesn't have one. I couldn't help but voice my wonder at seeing another face without a demon. I realized I was not making any sense to people who heard me, even Coin. And considering Coin has spent lots of time with Cera, I really must have sounded like a lunatic.
So I explained to him how I had lost my sanity for a while, and talked about the events that lead to my death, though it was painful to recall them. They conjure the Fear and demons... But I stayed strong enough to ignore the Fear. I had a purpose in trying to recall what happened. I had a feeling that something that happened that night kept my mind from forming a demon image of Ruri. When I got to the part where I died, I immediately realized what it was.
She died that night as well. I have a vague memory of seeing her on the Fugue plane with me. I'm so glad that I solved that mystery, but now I have two more questions. How can this new revelation be used to help end my torturous Fear? And who was that other person who died? I know there was another with me on the Fugue plane, but I can't recall the face.
The next paragraph's penmanship gets progressively shakier
Many times today did the Fear overtake my mind. I must be driving Braeth crazy, but he just says some words of encouragement and helps give me strength to return to reality. Most of the times it was because J (ink blot) because She was mentioned in my presence. But I also (inkblot and jagged line) So hard to write it, but must. I m ust b e stro ng.
To day I saw JuSTinIa.
(large inkblot)
Entry 23 -
I've been more relaxed lately. Only because nobody has mentioned Her around me. It felt good not to suddenly go into a fit, although I did almost get overwhelmed once. Just some people talking about the events that happened while I was present, but they understandably stopped the conversation as they saw it bothered me.
Vashere requested to talk to Braeth, Erugar, myself, and another person who's name I don't recall. He wanted to tell us about some things concerning the well. He told of how there used to be an ancient and powerful civilization many, many years ago on the very spot that Narfell is located. These ancients had weapons of great power. There is an evil power under the well, possibly the same power that controls Vinessa. This power is seeking one of the ancient weapons.
Oddly, Vashere does not know about the events that took place around the well that led to my insanity. If Braeth doesn't talk to him later about it, I think I'll have to show him what I wrote in my journal. I know it'd be better to try to tell myself, but I'd rather not recall the memories and temp the Fear to overtake me again.
In lighter news, Braeth and I did some footwork to get things prepared for the Elven Bonding ritual. We were able to have the local tailor craft us very wonderful outfits from an elven silk. The clothing looks absolutely stunning. The green is so vivid and shimmers different shades as light hits it from various angles. And the cloth feels as light as a feather, and smoother than anything I've ever known. We also made a trip south to the Elven encampment so that Braeth could talk to Rethe, the elder. Members of the Legion accompanied us. Rethe promised to get the necessary bracelet for the ceremony, but said he'd be unable to perform it because he does not know how to adapt it to include a human in the bonding. But he did tell us who could find that out, the wizard of Spellweaver Keep. So back to town we returned, and talked to him. I was a bit uncomfortable being in the Keep again, as it is connected to the terrible memories of that awful night, but I was able to remain calm. The wizard was happy to hear of our love for each other and promised to research the proper ritual for us and perform it.
Unfortunately, only those of Elven blood, and myself of course, are going to be allowed to attend the ceremony. We will also have a human wedding ceremony that everyone will be invited to at a later date though. I know Braeth asked Wilhelm and Erelad to be in attendance, but I think I need to invite Karion, if possible. Karion was one of the first friends I made when I arrived in Norwick, and the fact that he was trying to have me raised when I first died proves that he is a great friend. It would be a shame if he wasn't invited.
Oh! More good news. Cera is back in town, and she's given birth to a wonderful daughter. The little girl's name is Sakura. Cera told me that after the awful night she went to a city called Sigel. I never heard of the place, but I'm glad that she did find some place to be safe. I told her of how the night had scarred my mind and I went insane. Cera responded that I should not worry, I'll become as sane as Mojo within time. Now I'm not sure if a talking voice in your head is sane, but to her it is. Heck, I think I'd rather have a voice like Mojo in my head instead of seeing phantom demons on every person...
Entry 24 -
I was hoping that the bonding ceremony would have happened today, but alas things just weren't ready. I tried to invite Karion, but I only got as far as to tell him that we planned to be bonded when he had to leave. Perhaps I should send him a message.
I also talked with Kanen. He seems well, but is shamed at things he did the other night. I'll admit that I have a vague notion of what happened, but I won't ask for more detail because I feel it has something to do with Her.
I saw Braeth briefly, he was upset because there was a person who claimed to know where Vinessa's lair is, but would not reveal the location because he does not want to chance having foolish people find out and try to go after her and get killed. Braeth's upset because he feels the man should at least give the information to the militia. I would have liked to spend more time with Braeth, but I had to go attend to something.
I also got to see Ruri today. It seems we both were having troubling thoughts. I talked about the night we both died and how it scarred my mind and how the nightmares haunt me. She gave me a good piece of advice on how to handle the Fear, something that never occurred to me before. She said I should accept the fear as part of me. Accept the fact that I'll be scared. All this time I've been trying to ignore the fear and drive away the nightmare images that induce it, but they only get stronger the more I struggle. Perhaps I should try a different approach. I'll try to remember it when the Fear next strikes me. My only question is what do I do when I have accepted the Fear. Even if I accept it, won't I still be a scared little girl? There is another piece to this puzzle I think.
Ruri mentioned something that indicated that she has something haunting her, but worse than my Fear. She decided to answer my question of what was troubling her, because we've been through terrible times together. What she told me chilled my bones. I won't repeat it here, because it's certainly a secret only she should tell. She has every right to envy me though. The decision she eventually faces is one I would not wish on anybody.
I did find out who the other person that died with me was, Taren. He also appears completely normal to me, with no phantom demons. That proved my theory about Ruri.
I also saw Cera today. I'm very worried for her. She mentioned that Sakura still hasn't awaken. I asked to see her, though I already knew what I would see. Little Sakura is dead. Cera clings to her, hoping Mojo will somehow make her wake up. I can't blame her for not wanting to let her go, but I know she will have to eventually. I truly hope that the pain of her child's death does not extinguish her child-like innocence. I must find some way to keep her together through this dark time for her.
Much suffering in this town. May Tyr give us all the strength to overcome it.
Entry 25 -
I got to talk to Karion again. Tass, his friend, has been found and raised. He's concerned, though, because the death seems to have affected her. I can completely sympathize with her. I gave him some encouraging words that she should get better in time. Look at me, I was a paranoid lunatic after my death at the well, and now I'm at least mostly normal again. I got to invite Karion to the Elven bonding ritual, and he said he would try to make it.
I also ran into Vashere and Eledaar. They seemed to have some concerns on their mind, especially Eledaar. I joined them in the inn to hopefully talk about it. Unfortunately, Eledaar didn't want to talk of his concerns that plagued him. I could sense that it was something he was uncomfortable to talk about, so I didn't press the issue.
Jason Malthor, also of the Legion, joined us. I had gotten to briefly talk to him about his god, Athanatos Farstrider. By his description, Athanatos seems to be very similar to Tyr. Both strive for Justice. Perhaps this is Tyr in another guise?
Vashere asked me again if I was planning to accept his offer to have the temple built with his outpost. Since it seems that I'm the only one left persuing this goal (Char is dead, Maddoxxx and Alex are missing, and She's...) I decided to take some initiative and accept the offer. I really feel the need to see this temple built, for Charbonneau and for myself. Since the temple will be housed in the Legion's outpost, this will make me a Blade of the organization. This means basically that I'm one of the people in charge. I didn't exactly mean to have joined the Legion, but now that I think about it, I'm comfortable with the idea. They exist to serve the Justice and the greater good. They will need spiritual guidance in this goal.
Thus, since he had four of his seven Blades gathered (including himself), he decided to hold a council meeting to discuss some matters of important business. The first thing we made a decision on was to focus on member quality over quantity. Initially, they were focused on quantity, since they really did need members. But now that they have a good number, it is the right time to switch to quality. "Tempering our strength," as I put it.
Second was to decide when to consider members inactive due to absense and when to remove due to extended absense. We each pretty much decided that 3 months of absense would place a member on the inactive list, and after one year removed completely.
At this point, Jason had to leave us. However, we were soon joined by Pip, Braeth, and a newly recruited member by the name of Naarel. While Naarel wasn't a Blade, the rest were so Vashere decided to continue the council meeting. Naarel was allowed to listen in. We next addressed the one known as Sherk, considering our new policy of quality over quantity. We all felt that this half-orc was too quick to raise his weapon. His rashness could jeapordize a mission. I specifically recalled an incident where Sherk and Braeth came across a bugbear who started to talk in common. Braeth wanted to find out what message the bugbear was going to give, but Sherk immediately killed the creature before he could give it.
We also tossed back and forth some ideas on how to better our image. Many people have misconceptions of the Legion. I don't think we made any real decisions on what to do other than work on bettering the quality of our members and making ourselves look less like a bunch of mercenaries and more like an organized group like an order of knights.
After the council meeting, Braeth and I met up with Jade, Wilhelm, and Hugh. I also passed by Cera, who seems to have gotten over her child's death well enough (much to my relief). Unfortunately, Braeth got called away on militia business. Hugh was bothered by his recent trip to his monestary. It seems that he's been forever banned from it, for he allowed outsiders to witness techniques he learned there. Their loss, I say, for he's a good man.
As we talked, a shadowy form appeared amongst us. It was shaped like a man in very sinister, spikey armor, but was so pitch black that light did not reflect off it at all. The sudden appearance of it, especially so close to the well, scared me to the bone, and I felt my Fear suddenly rise. I was able to stay together until I tried to chant a protective spell. I chanted the spell perfectly, but I heard no answer from Tyr. The comforting aura of protection did not fill me, just like the healing spell that failed me earlier on the night I died.
That's when my Fear became absolute and I succumbed to it. Demons again surrounded me, and the lights around the well were very bright. I tried a couple of times to regain control, but when I came close, that Black Shadow appeared again sending me back into my paranoia. Finally, I snapped out of my Fear, awaking to a worried Wilhelm, Jade, and Hugh. They were very worried about me, not understanding what has happened to me. They thought the Shadow had some connection to me, but that was not the case. In fact, the shadow appeared again to me, and as it left, I heard the words, "Not yet my time." It seems the thing was looking for a specific person.
I quickly gave an explanation to my friends of what happened to me since that awful night at the well. We all decided to all get some sleep. I felt awful though. Again I allowed myself to succumb to my Fear. The advice that Ruri gave me was forgotten about when it hit me. The lack of answer to my prayer chant also bugs me. I feel as if I failed myself. I performed a blessing chant to see if Tyr had forsaken me, but found the blessing of Tyr fill me. I guess I haven't failed Tyr yet, though I feared I did. Perhaps magic is again acting funny around the well...
As these thoughts swam through my head, Vashere called me over, he wanted to tell me something. We headed to a secluded building. He told asked me if I knew anything about a paladin of Tyr by the name of Killthorn. I told him that I've heard of the man, and that he was a paladin, but I didn't know he followed Tyr and never really met him. Vashere warned me that he felt Killthorn isn't as he says he is. He believes that the man has lied twice to him, and one result of the lying was allowing a probably ally of Vinessa to go free. He also said he doesn't trust a few of the militia members.
This all set me on a bit of a depressed mood. This town suffers so much, and it seems that evil lies within in as well as around and under it. A man saw me walk by the well sadly and asked me what was wrong. I told him how it seems this town suffers so. The man, Kelden I think his name was, gave me a few words of encouragement by telling me of how he's found many helpful people in this town. I'm thankful he took the time to speak to me, as by doing so he reminded me not that I should never give up hope.