Author: Claire Vincent
Date April 2004
This is the third chapter of what will be many chapters in a series titled: Webb Odyssey. Watch for more stories under this title or my name. Clayton Webb has become a favorite character with me, and the story really involves him. Enjoy.
This Chapter is rated PG for some adult content.
Disclaimer: The Clayton Webb character, and other JAG characters, belong to Donald P. Bellisario, Bellisario Productions, CBS, et al. All other characters and situations of this story belong to the author. No copying of this material is allowed without my consent. For your reading pleasure, one copy is allowed.
WEBB Odyssey II
Adventures of Clayton Webb and his friends at JAG, and certain special someone.
Rating: PG
Classification: JAG - Story
Webb/other Romance - Adventure
Spoilers: None, written after Tangled Webb.
See Chapters 1 and 2, for the beginning of the story.
Summary: Clayton Webb has settled down, or so it seems. And, is that really a good thing? Our favorite spy struggles with affairs of the world, and affairs of the heart.
Chapter 3
A Man's Gotta Do, What a Man's Gotta Do
On the road to the Webb Residence
Great Falls, VA
18:20 hours
Clayton Webb's life had moved into a very comfortable rhythm.
He and Amy talked almost everyday. They had dinner together when he was in town during the week at least once, and spent the weekends together whenever they could. Clay had gotten in the habit of bringing work home from the office on Friday, spending the day with Amy on Saturday. They went for drives along the coast, or a concert, or do some activity they both enjoyed. Sometimes he would take her riding at his mother's home in Virginia. One of their favorite Saturday pastimes was walks along the Virginia beach, no matter the weather. Then they would have a simple dinner out, and go back to Amy's apartment. They would spend the night in each other's arms, giving and discovering each other in ways neither had ever experienced before. Clay could not seem to get enough of Amy, his Jar Head as he playful called her. And she teased him back, calling him Spook.
Sundays were very lazy. They would work on things they both had brought home from their office; sometimes Amy sewed her quilts, with music in the background. They both loved music. Sometimes, when they were at Clay's townhouse, they would sit at the piano all evening, Clay playing, and Amy singing. Broadway songs, old love songs, hymns, whatever. Clay loved listening to Amy's clear high voice. He would keep her singing until she was horse, or laughing so hard they both had to stop. Amy made him laugh. Not too many people could do that. Clay had at times been accused of having no sense of humor, but Amy recognized that Clay had a very dry sense of humor, and she was able to tape right in and make him laugh so easily. Sundays also meant cooking. Since they both lived alone, but enjoyed cooking, they did it together, and made all sorts of dishes for each other, and cleaning up together afterwards. It did not seem to matter what they were doing, as long as they did it together, they had a good time.
When Clay had to be away for work, he would tell Amy he was going, and she never pouted, or asked questions he couldn't answer. When he returned, they just picked up where they had left off, and she always asked if everything had gone as planned, or if the mission was successful. Clay would give her short answers. He knew she wasn't prying, just wondering if the work he did was successful, taking an interest in what he did. Once he had told her all he could, she changed the subject, and never brought it up again.
Clayton was beginning to like this addition to his life. He found himself looking forward to Saturday and Sunday with Amy more than he had with anyone. He had never been one to 'chat on the phone' for an evening with a woman before, but he always enjoyed talking with her; about her day, what they would do on the weekend, who was going to cook, talking about everything, and nothing at all. When he did not see her, she was the first thought he had as he woke up in his own bed, and last face he saw as he closed his eyes at night.
A little smile crossed his face as these thoughts ran through his head while he drove to Great Falls to have dinner with his Mother one weeknight. You've got it bad, Clay ol' boy, he thought to himself.
That same evening
Amy's Apartment, Georgetown
18:50 hours
It had been a while since Amy and Sarah's schedules had allowed them to get together, just the two of them, for dinner. Sarah had been busy at JAG, which included an investigation aboard a ship in the Mediterranean for a week. She had also been spending a lot of time with her favorite fly boy, one Harmon Rabb Jr. They were still keeping the relationship quiet around the office, but still spent a lot of time together after office hours.
Amy had also been very busy with her work at the office of Home Land Security at the Pentagon, and spending time with Clay. But she had looked forward all week to an evening with her good friend Sarah, and some old fashioned 'girl talk'.
The two friends had shared cooking duties, and had caught up with all the news in their respected offices. They discussed the world news and the situation in Iraq, along with the things women talk about with their girl friends.
When dinner was finished, and the dishwasher started, the two women made themselves comfortable in Amy's living room. Amy brought over a glass of wine for herself, and Sarah helped herself to another tonic water and twist.
'So tell me,' Amy began, 'how is Harm these days? How is it going between you two?' Amy knew Sarah and Harm had accepted their feelings for each other, and she also knew the problems that came with that acceptance. Sarah had told Amy about the relationship, since Amy did not work at JAG, and Sarah had wanted to share the news with a friend.
'Well,' Sarah answered, 'we decided to tell the Admiral about everything. It was very hard, but we both felt like we were sneaking around. And that is a bad way to start any real relationship.' Sarah said. She remembered the day they had both stayed late to talk to the Admiral after everyone had else had left for the day. Both she and Harm knew they were taking a chance confronting the Admiral with the truth. It would mean one of them would have to leave JAG, because of the rule that officers can not be involved with each other in the same chain of command. But they were being dishonest with their CO if they did not tell him. And they both thought too highly of AJ to lie to him.
'How did that go?' Amy asked, her interest peeked.
'Better than I thought it would.' Sarah said with a smile remembering the meeting. 'He wasn't surprised. And he seemed pleased that we had actually gotten together. But our confession did put him in a tight spot. He doesn't want either one of us to leave. Though he did not actually say that out loud. Neither of us want to leave JAG, but…what else can we do?'
Amy sympathized with her friend. 'Did you decide yet which of you will leave JAG?' she asked.
'No, we left that up to the Admiral. He seemed to want to find a good spot, here in Washington for one of us. He said it depends on what he can find available.' Sarah answered. 'Both Harm and I trust him to do what is best, and we appreciate his support. In the mean time, we are trying to keep our relationship low key around the office. It does seem everyone knows anyway, but they are not talking to us about it. They all have been very supportive. Harm and I are very lucky to have so many people care about us.' She said.
Amy asked, 'What about Bud and Harriet? They have worked there together for years?' She had always wondered how that had been arranged, around Nave regulations.
'Harriet is attached to the Inspector General's office, not directly under the Admiral's command. It's too much for Harm and I to hope for, or ask for the chance for lightening to strike twice, and let us both stay at JAG.' Sarah said.
Then Sarah smiled and said, 'But enough about me. What about you and Clay? How are things going between you two?'
Amy rolled her eyes. She knew this question was going to come up tonight, but had wanted to avoid it. How were things between her and Clay anyway? She wasn't sure. 'Oh, things are going pretty well I think.' Amy answered. 'You know Clay.' She said. Amy knew Sarah and Clay had been involved before she finally hooked up with Harm. Amy was not sure how it had ended between Clay and Sarah, and Amy had not wished to bring it up with Clay. It might have been awkward, since Clay knew Amy and Sarah were good friends.
'Does anyone really know Clayton Webb?' Sarah asked with a laugh. 'When we were together he seemed very tight lipped around me. Hard to get to know. And all the secrets, and time away on a moments notice. The broken dates. No word from him for weeks, then he would just show up again on my doorstep and want to pick up right where we left off. How do you put up with all that? I know it bothered me.'
Amy thought a moment. Yes, Clay was hard to get to know. But she had found that where he did not talk much about his feelings, he did show how much he cared by how he treated her, all the little things he does for her.
'We've gotten very close. I enjoy being with him, and he seems to enjoy being with me. At least he keeps calling me.' Amy said with a laugh.
But Sarah wanted to know more. 'Yes, but what about 'THE JOB'?' she asked.
'I'll admit I have trouble with 'THE JOB' at times.' Amy confessed, to put it mildly. 'Especially when he is away. I don't like it when he is gone. I worry about him.' She did worry about him. She couldn't help it. Sometimes she wondered if she had a right to worry about him. The memory of him dragging himself to her door as soon as he could from that one mission, hurt, and exhausted, was always with her. She would always take him in, offer him help, but she hoped she didn't have to see him like that again.
Sarah interrupted her thoughts. 'Yeah, the absences were hard. Not hearing from him for weeks, then having him show up suddenly like nothing had happened, and wanting to pick up where we left off.'
'Well, what do you expect?' Amy asked with a laugh. 'Go back to step C when you had reached step E in the relationship?'
'But, what about the secrets?' Sarah asked. There had been things between her and Clay when they were together that still bothered her. She wanted to know that she was not the only one that had these frustrations. 'All the cloak and dagger stuff? You have to admit that is hard to take? Hard to build up any sort of trust in a relationship.'
'Sarah, you already had a working relationship with Clay when you started going out with him. And in that past relationship Clay was not always honest with you, and that might make it hard to start trusting him.' Amy reasoned. 'I did not have that history, and I do trust Clay. He is out defending his country, just like I do, just like you do, not out with other women. He would never hurt me that way. Although he does go out with his mother, and I can hardly be jealous of that.' She smiled. 'Accept the man, accept the job. It's all part of the package.'
Sarah remembered when Clay had hurt her. Or had she just hurt herself? When Sadik had come back, and she had to face him alone. She was hurt that Clay was not there to support her then, or after when she had been so angry with everyone. 'What about when you really need him? Need his support and he is not there?'
Amy could tell they were getting into touchy ground. She did not want to hurt Sarah, making her feel as if she had done something wrong in her relationship with Clay... The fact was that Sarah had been in love with Harm all along, and being with anyone else was not going to work out. Sarah's only fault was to be in love with someone else.
Amy decided to put the pressure on herself. 'Then I handle it myself, like I always have.'
The two friends sat quietly for a moment, thinking of their loves, and mistakes we all make along the way.
'In the end Sarah, we all do our duty. You leave at a moments notice too, break engagements, and you can't always tell everyone where you are going, and what you are doing there. How long you will be gone. You have to go conduct an investigation, or work on a trial anywhere in the world that Navy or Marine personal need you. How is that different from what Clay does? He is doing his duty. And I can't fault him for that. I don't like it all the time, but I understand.' She said.
'You seem to be able to up with more than I did.' Sarah said quietly.
'I don't have much of a choice. I…I think… no, I am in love, and I just have to take the job with the man.' Amy confessed.
'Honey, that's great.' Sarah said, truly happy for her friend. 'Have you told Clay? What about him?'
'I think he does.' Amy answered cautiously.
'That's good isn't it?' Sarah asked.
'I'm scared. I'm in love, but…is it enough?'
'Enough for what?' Sarah didn't understand her friend's concern.
Amy tried to explain, 'I'm afraid he loves me too, but will it be enough? Will he be able to love me and do his job too? I have this feeling sometimes, like Clay…thinks he can't have both his job, and love in his life.'
Sarah tried to reassure her, 'Amy, Clay knows what he wants, and he will do what he has to do to get it, or keep it. Don't worry.' Sarah said confidently.
'My worry is which does he want the most? His job, his life really. Or me?'
Two weeks later
Benefit Ball for Children's Hospital
1922 hours local time
Porter Webb dressed in a simple long black dress and chiffon jacket moved among the crowd at the Benefit Dance greeting friends and acquaintances, answering whispered questions from the staff of volunteers who were setting things up, and keeping an eye out for her son. This was her third year on the committee to organize the Benefit, the first year she was not chairing the event, and she planned on enjoying herself. Maybe tonight she would even get the chance to dance with her son Clayton. Or, maybe not. Clayton had said he would invite his new lady friend to the dance tonight when they had dinner at home two weeks ago. Maybe she would take up all his dances and attention tonight. When Clayton had talked about her, Amy was her name, he had a smile on his face, and a twinkle in his eyes. Porter was very curious to meet this young lady, who seemed so special to her son.
As she glanced for what must have been the 50th time at the entrance, she saw him. His hair short and combed back, wearing an impeccably tailored black tuxedo, ah, and his dancing shoes, she noticed. She laughed at herself inside, he is a grown man, and you are still checking on the appropriateness of his clothes for the evening. Then she sighed. He looks so much like Neville, especially when he is dressed in a tuxedo. Porter Webb allowed herself the indulgence to miss her husband for one moment. Then she put a smile on her face as her handsome son, and a lovely woman approached her.
'Mother, you are looking as lovely as ever' Clayton said as he took her hands in his, and kissed her on the cheek in greeting.
'Thank you darling. You look very handsome yourself.' She responded as he pulled away. She stood looking at him, 'So much like your father.'
'I know Mother.' Clayton responded, and the two of them just shared the moment, remembering Neville, and wishing somehow he could be here too.
Clayton then turned and, and brought Amy forward. She had stayed a step behind, and watched Mother and son greet each other. She thought Porter Webb was a striking woman. Tall, with lovely features, and a commanding presence. And she obviously loved her son, and the feeling was mutual. The two of them had a very special bond that excluded anyone else. It will be hard to break into this club, she thought.
'Mother, I would like you to meet Amelia Harris. Amelia, my mother, Porter Webb.'
Amy stepped forward and shook Porter's offered hand. 'It is a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Webb.' She said. 'And please call me Amy. Clayton has told me so much about you.'
Porter looked from Amy to her son in surprise. 'It is good to meet you, Amy. Please call me Porter. It is funny you should say Clayton has told you about me. He hasn't told me hardly anything about you.' Porter kept hold of Amy's hand and began leading her away from Clayton. 'Why don't you come and sit with me and I will see if my son is good enough for you.' She said with a sly smile at Clayton.
As the two women moved off, Clayton followed a step behind, and became very wary. Maybe introducing his mother and his girlfriend tonight was a bad idea. He could tell it was going to be a very long night.
Clayton's prediction was right. It was turning out to be a long evening, but an enjoyable one, sort of. Amy and his mother had become good friends over dinner. His mother sharing several embarrassing stories from Clayton's childhood, and they both enjoyed the stories, at his expense. Some of them he remembered, some he had thankfully forgotten, and was sorry his mother still remembered them.
He danced with both ladies, once the music started, and thought maybe the worst was over. Both Amy and Porter were good dance partners, but it just always seemed more comfortable dancing with Porter. Should be no surprise, Clayton told himself; he learned how to dance with his mother, and they understood each other so well.
During one such Mother and Son dance, Porter started talking to him about Amy.
'She is a lovely girl, Clayton.' Porter stated. She had watched to two young people all evening, and was very interested in watching Clayton with Amy. He seemed very taken with her. And, Amy was taken with Clayton as well. Porter was pleased with the arrangement.
'I think she is lovely too, Mother. I am glad you think so.' Clayton said, and continued dancing.
'How long have you known her?' Porter asked.
'A few months.' Clay answered, being careful not to be too specific. He knew his mother was fishing for information, and Clay was not in the mood to bite.
Porter continued with her questions. Clayton may not want to talk, but she wanted to know a few more things. 'How much does she know about you?'
Clay couldn't help smiling, but he did not look at Porter right away. 'If you are asking if she knows who I work for, and what I do, she knows everything Mother.'
Porter was satisfied with that for now. The two danced on. Then Porter decided to stir the pot, just once more. Without looking at Clayton, she simply stated, 'She loves you.'
Now it was Clayton's turn to ask questions. 'Did she tell you that?'
'No' she said. 'But I can tell. She is a good woman. Almost too good for you.'
Clay had had enough. 'What are you trying to say Mother? I've never known you to be one to beat around the bush.'
Porter ignored his question in true CIA fashion, and asked one if her own. 'Do you love her?'
They looked at each other, and finally Clayton said, 'Don't ask me that Mother.'
Porter thought it was time to back up a little, they were in dangerous territory. 'I have never been one to mettle in your love life Clayton.'
'Oh,' he said. 'What about Miriam Crawford?' A young lady Clayton dated his second year at Harvard. Very pretty and full of life, who adored Clayton. Or, at least at the time he thought she adored him. His Mother had shown him otherwise. 'You were 20 years old and infatuated. She was after your money.'
'Still….' Clayton said.
'It hardly counts dear. I'm only saying Amy is a woman who I think could make you very happy. And forgive me for being a loving mother who wants to see her son happy.' Porter said in her defense.
Clayton smiled at this. Sometimes his Mother could play the doting Mother, and bat her eyes at him to get her way. Now was not one of those times. He looked down at her. 'Happy, and providing her with Grandchildren. I've heard the conversations here tonight. You know how hard my kind of life is on a family. It's not fair really, to the agent or the family.'
'You don't have to tell me Clayton. I know it better than you do.' Porter said, a little hurt.
Clayton was immediately sorry. Of course she knew better than anyone. 'I'm sorry Mother.' He said it to apologize for bringing up difficult memories, and to apologize for the life she had to live, sort of an apology on behalf of his Father as well.
The music stopped, and Mother and son stood on the dance floor in each others arms for a moment, looking at each other, and thinking their own thoughts.
Mother thinking how it had been only the two of them for so long. Maybe it was time to open up their little circle enough for one more person. The one sitting at the table nearby watching them intently.
Son was thinking about all the lonely times as a child without a father. Not knowing where that father was, not understanding why there were so many secrets. Then, loosing that father so abruptly, with so many unanswered questions. Could he do that to a son or daughter of his own? But, could he give it all up for a son or daughter he might have one day?
The other dancers had left the dance floor, and the band was taking a break. These thoughts went by in a flash, and suddenly Clayton's heart had dropped to the pit of his stomach. Instead of looking at his mother, he saw Amy. His wife, older, lonely, and raising children alone, too soon.
He blinked, and he saw Porter again, looking up at him, with a hint of tears in her clear blue eyes. 'I love you Clayton.' She said. 'Be happy.' Then she turned and walked back to their table, a warm smile on her face, and Clayton dutifully followed her.
CIA Headquarters
Langley, VA
0637 hours
A few days after the Benefit Ball, Clayton Webb was making his way to his office at Langley. He was thinking again about his love for Amy, a future which could include marriage and a family. Part of him really wanted that with Amy. But was it fair for him to ask her to share that? To ask a child to be part of that kind of life? He remembered his own childhood and all the times he had wanted his father to be there, but he was gone. Clayton had understood, as much as a child can understand these things. His mother had always been there for him, no matter what, but sometimes, a kid needed his Dad.
What if I took a desk job, Clay thought. Or at least drew less field time? Was it fair to him to give up what he loved to do, and was damn good at? He had worked hard, sacrificed a lot to be where he was today. Was he willing to give it up to have a family?
All this was going through his head and he fell back on the answer he had used the past few days. It does not need to be decided today. Or, maybe it was time he did make some decision, before things got any further with Amy. He should state his intentions.
Clayton walked toward the elevators to his office. As always, he walked passed the wall of fallen agents, the wall of stars with no names. This was usually a place of peace and serenity, but not this morning. This morning there were two work men in front of the wall. There was a large tarp on the floor, and the area was roped off. Clayton walked closer to see what was going on. It was early, and not many people were around. Suddenly the air was split with the piercing noise of a power drill. One of the workmen was on a ladder, drilling a hole. The other was on the floor beside the ladder. They both were talking in low tones. The one on the floor handed something up to the one on the ladder, and Clayton watched as the workman carefully placed a star at the place he had drilled a hole.
Clayton swallowed hard, past the lump in his throat. He didn't know an agent had died and would never know their name. But Clayton missed them. Felt sorrow for their loss. He felt sorrow for the agent's family too. Did they know yet? Were they receiving the news somewhere close by right now? Would there be a body to bury, or simply a memorial service? What a hell of a life, he thought.
Clayton didn't pray much outside of church. But he bent his head, and said a prayer to heaven for the fallen, and the family. Then he said one for all agents.
As the workmen put their tools away, and began cleaning up the area, Clayton Webb turned, and headed toward the elevators. He had made up his mind. He knew now what he had to do.
Christos Greek Restaurant
Arlington, VA
1908 local time
Clayton Webb left his office to meet his girlfriend for dinner. Usually an evening spent with Amy put a smile on his face, a spring in his step and anticipation in his heart. Tonight however, his heart was heavy, and it looked like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. He had been over it and over it in his mind for days. It was hard, but he always came back to the same conclusion.
Clay had been busy at the office for several days, planing, making arrangements. He was going to go to Northern Iraq himself for a while and try and gather more information on this insurgent group. They had as much as they could from military intelligence. Now it was time to do some foot work themselves. He was back in action at CIA. He had worked hard to get here, and he had made his choice. It wasn't fair to Amy anymore. He loved her, but he had to be fair. He would talk to her tonight, and go to work overseas for a while, try and forget her. Like that would ever happen, he told himself.
He had arranged to meet her at the restaurant. She would drive herself. They would have dinner, and then….he didn't want to think about what came next.
Clay arrived first. He was shown a table near the back. It was a quiet Greek restaurant, olive oil and spices filled the air. He sat down and ordered a Scotch. He felt he was going to need it. Bravery in a glass on ice.
He didn't have to wait long. He saw her enter the restaurant. She had changed out of her uniform and was wearing a short dark blue dress looking like the pretties woman in the world. She had a big smile on her face when she saw him, and made her way to the table. Clay shook his head, wondering how he was going to make it through tonight. Clay stood up and held her chair for her.
He couldn't keep his eyes off her. She put her hand on his shoulder and leaned in to kiss his cheek before sitting down. At the last moment he couldn't help himself, he turned and she kissed him full on the mouth. Part of him wanted to take her in his arms and hold her, deepen the kiss, and make it last forever, but they were in a public place. And he had to be strong to do what he intended tonight. The kiss was short, but sweet. He could smell her perfume, and breathed deep as if he could hold onto that warm scent, take it with him. But the moment was over, and she sat down.
'Hello Clayton.' She said, as she sat down in the chair he held for her.
'Hello' he answered, and sat back down in his chair. The waiter came over and Amy ordered a glass of wine. Clay asked for another Scotch.
Amy began talking of her day. Clay listened with half an ear. He sat memorizing her face, how her eyes sparkled, and her smile when she looked at him. He was going to miss that special smile.
Amy felt Clay was preoccupied. He seemed to have his mind on something else. She kept catching him looking intently at her, and then would quickly look away when she glanced at him. He would never meet her face to face. Maybe he has to tell me he is going away again, she thought.
'Clay, is something bothering you? You seem distant.' She asked
'No, nothings bothering me' he lied. You have to do this. Its for her own good he told himself. Get started. 'Well, I do have something to talk to you about Amy.' He began.
She looked right at him, and gave him a playful smile 'What's that?' she asked.
Clay took a sip of his drink 'Amy, you know I have been working a lot lately. I've been given a special assignment?'
'Yes,' she answered. 'Though I do not know what it is about. And I'm not going to ask now.' Her smiled faded a little and she looked at the table cloth. 'Will you have to go on assignment for a while?' she asked carefully.
'Yes.' He answered, and left it there.
She looked at Clay across the table. He looked sad somehow. Maybe he would be away a long time, she thought. She didn't like it when he was away. She missed him, and worried about him. She understood the need for him to work far away sometimes, and supported him the best way she knew how, but she still didn't like it.
'Amy,' Clay began, but the waiter came with their drinks, and was ready to take their order. Neither was ready, so he moved off to give them more time.
Clayton took a sip of his drink before he continued. 'Amy, things have changed for me at Langley. I will be busier, more involved with operations'
Amy nodded, but didn't say anything. Clay went on, 'I am sorry, but I am not going to be able to see you anymore. It wouldn't be fair.' There, he said it, now all he had to do was wait.
Amy just looked at him, her brows knit together in some confusion. 'What are you saying Clay?'
'Amy, I can not continue to see you…' he started, but she cut him off.
'Have I ever complained that I felt you were unfair to me?' she asked. Her gut was beginning to tie up in knots. Was he really trying to break up with her?
'No, Amy. You have been wonderful.' Clay began, but Amy interrupted him again. 'Then I don't see the problem.' She said. 'If it is a matter of less time to spend together, that is unfortunate, but I don't see that we have to stop seeing each other completely.'
'I just can't be with you anymore. It…, I have really enjoyed our time together. But I cannot continue in this relationship with you.' Clay couldn't find the right words. She was so understanding, and wanted to stay with him, but he knew it just wasn't possible. He hated himself for hurting her, but better now than later. He was trying to save her from a life of worry, and anxiety, and loneliness. But he couldn't tell her that. 'Amy, it is just better if we break it off now.' He said.
Amy could not believe what he was saying. The knot grew in her stomach. She tried to convince him that she accepted his job, to try and stop him from doing this to her, to them and what they had together. 'Clay, I have been nothing but supportive, and understanding of your work. I don't like it but I accept it. But,….I don't understand this. Please don't do this Clay.'
He just sat looking at her across the table. 'Amy. I don't want to hurt you.'
Very quietly, not trusting her voice she said, 'Well you have failed there.'
She just looked at him. The pain was evident on her face. He could see she was fighting to keep back the tears. Clayton wanted to look away, but he made himself look at her face. At the pain. He gave it to her; it would be cowardly to ignore it. Her lonely face would haunt him in the days to come.
There was silence at the table as they looked at each other, trying to understand what was happening. Was he really going to do this to her? Had he lied about loving her, Amy asked herself. Looking at him now; at the love and pain in his eyes, she knew he had not lied about his love for her. Then why was he letting her go? Amy knew she would never get the real answer from him. He wanted out. Maybe the commitment scared him. Or maybe his commitment was to his job, not her. He had made the choice she had always dreaded. She knew it would come down to this, she just had hoped for a different outcome.
'I'm sorry, Amy.' Clay said very quietly.
Amy was hurt even more by that statement.
'You think that makes everything all right don't you? It doesn't.' she said angry now, and got up to leave.
'Please don't go, not like this. Stay and have dinner with me as a…'
She stopped him there. 'Don't even say the word Clayton. I love you. You said you love me too. I can't turn that off as easily as you seem to be able to do. If this is what you want, then don't call me, don't contact me in any way. I don't wish to see you ever again if I can help it.' Amy said that very clearly. 'You want out of my life. Fine. You are all the way out then.' She turned and left the restaurant.
The waiter approached the table ready to take their order. 'Will the lady be returning, sir?' he asked.
Clay watched the door Amy had just stepped out of, out the door, and out of his life. 'No.' Clay answered with out looking at him. 'I made sure of that.' He downed the rest of his Scotch. 'Just bring the check. I'm not hungry any more.'
Three weeks later
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA
1640 hours
It had been a quiet Friday afternoon. It was a beautiful summer day, and some people had snuck out early, since the Admiral was attending meetings on the Hill.
Harm was making his way back to his office from the library where he had been hold up all day researching some cases. No one was around, but he did see that Mac was in her office, working on her computer.
He decided to poke his head in and say 'Hi.' He had hardly talked to her all day.
He brought his head just inside the doorway and stood looking at her. She was so beautiful, with the sun at her back, lighting up her hair. 'Hey beautiful' he said, in a rather loud whisper.
Sarah was startled by his voice and quickly looked up. Why was he calling her that here? At the office? When she looked up, she saw that no one was around, and decided not to chastise him for calling her 'beautiful' in the office. It was safe. 'Hey yourself fly boy.'
'Everyone else has skipped out, let's you and go too. You almost finished?' he asked.
'Yes, I could be. What did you have in mind?' she asked him with a smile on her face.
'Let's try that new Indian place on Jefferson. Then maybe we could catch an early movie.' He suggested.
Mac's stomach grumbled at the mention of food. She had been too busy to have lunch today, and an early dinner sounded good. She wasn't sure about going to see a movie, but thought that could be negotiated over dinner. 'Sounds good to me. Mind if I call Amy and invite her and Clay to join us? I haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks. Or Clay either for that matter.'
Harm thought it over for a moment. He was very careful of the time he spent alone with Sarah, and was sort of jealous of it. But, it would be good to see Clay and Amy. The four of them had never gone out together before, but they were all friends, so why not? 'All right, give her a call.'
Harm stepped into the office, as Mac dialed Amy's work phone number. She had the phone on speaker, so Harm could hear the conversation also. 'Major Harris' came Amy's voice as she picked up the line.
'Amy, it's Sarah, how are you?'
'Hey Sarah. I'm good how about yourself?' Amy asked.
'I'm fine, and I'm ready to start the weekend. Harm is in my office here.'
'Hi Amy' Harm said.
'Hi Harm.'
Sarah continued, 'We were going to try that new Indian restaurant on Jefferson tonight, and wondered if you and Clay could join us.'
Amy was quiet for a moment at the other end of the line, and then her voice came back. 'I would love to join you. Thanks.' She said, a little too brightly.
Sarah sensed something was different. 'Oh, is Clay out of town right now?' she asked.
'Um, Clay doesn't tell me his schedule anymore. We broke up a few weeks ago.' Amy just left it there. There really wasn't more to say. She was not going to make excuses for Clay, or try and explain something she did not understand completely herself.
Sarah and Harm looked at each other across her desk. Surprised by Amy's answer. 'Amy' Sarah said, 'I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?' she asked, then immediately regretted asking it. It really wasn't any of her business, and Amy probably did not want to talk about it in front of Harm.
'Clay just broke it off. He had his reasons.' Amy answered. Whatever they are, she did not add. Amy wanted to move on. She didn't want to get into this over the phone, or anytime for that matter. 'But I would love to join you for dinner, if you don't mind a third wheel.' She said.
Harm spoke up. 'We would love to have you join us. Can you meet us there by 1800?' he asked.
'1800 it is. On Jefferson you said, right?'
'That's right, see you then.' Harm said.
'Bye.' Amy said and hung up.
Sarah and Harm looked at each other. Surprised and sadden at the news. Sarah had thought things were fine between Clay and her friend. She had been happy for both of them.
'So Clay broke it off. Wonder why.' Harm said, thinking out loud.
'We will never know. Not with Clay.' Sarah said. 'It is sad though. I had hoped he had found someone to love in Amy.'
'To spare your guilty conscience for breaking his heart to be with me?' Harm asked.
'Both our guilty consciences.' Sarah said a little defensively. 'Maybe. He just seemed to need someone, was ready to love someone.' Sarah said.
'I guess not.' Harm said flatly. Sarah was right. They had both wished the best for Clay. They had wanted to see him happy. But, the reasons were his business, and they would have to leave it at that.
Half an hour later, Harm and Sarah left the office. Each to go to their homes and change before meeting Amy for dinner. Both determined to put on a happy face for her, and have a good time. Just the three of them.
Weeks later
McClinty's Pub
Falls Church, VA
1440 hours local time
Commander Rabb entered the pub. The happy hour crowd was just beginning to come in, but it wasn't too busy yet. Harm decided to get a table in the back and wait for Bud and Turner to join him. Walking toward the back of the pub he saw Clayton at a table in the corner, a bottle and a glass in front of him, sitting back in the chair, swirling the amber liquid in the glass, but not looking at it. Clayton was looking at something a million miles away.
Webb saw Rabb approach the table and he greeted him, raising his glass. "Harmon Rabb, Jr. My friend. Bar tender, another glass." Harm shook his head at the bar tender to cancel that request, and sat down at the table in front of Clay.
Clay looked across at Harm and smiled. 'So she sent you. I'm glad its you, I couldn't face Sarah right now.' Clay said, and the smile disappeared quickly from is face.
Surprised at seeing his friend this way, Harm asked, 'Clay, are you drunk?'
'No, but I'm working on it.' Clay said, pouring himself another drink. He was not drunk yet, but he planned on getting there very quickly. 'So Amy sent you, did she?' he asked.
'Amy didn't send me.' Answered Harm. 'I am meeting Bud and Turner here shortly.'
'You did talk to her?' Clay asked hopefully.
'Yes, I did talk to her. She joined Mac and I for dinner last week.' Harm said.
'How did she look?' Clay asked anxiously. He may not have seen her, or talked to her in weeks, but her face and voice was all he could think about when he was alone. And he had been alone too much lately.
'She looked better off than you right now.' Harm answered. Clay waited to hear more. 'She did look lonely and hurt though. I think she misses you Clay. Want to tell me what happened?' Harm offered. He wasn't trying to pry, just give Clay a chance to talk it out.
Clay was quiet for a moment, thinking over what Harm had said. Missed me? He thought. I miss her too. For just a heartbeat he closed his eyes, and allowed himself to really feel just how much he did miss Amy. With all his heart. He opened his eyes and saw Harm waiting for an answer. He gave him one.
'I'm no damn good for her, that's what happened. She deserves better.' He drained his glass, and poured another one.
'I'll agree with you there.' Harm said.
'You and I have a lot in common Harm. Deep down somewhere we yearn for hearth and home and a family of our own, but we have to be in control. And we realize, we can't be in control and commit ourselves to someone at the same time, so we stay away.' Clay paused here. Thought a moment, then continued.
'Then there are those who can commit, like Roberts, and we watch and see how happy they are, and it makes us sick.' He took another drink.
'What's this about Clay?' Harm asked trying to keep him on track.
Clay just kept going with his own thoughts. 'That's something else we have in common Harm. We both lost our fathers in tragic, mysterious ways. I didn't lose mine quite as young as you did, but still….
Then we followed in their footsteps. Maybe to make them proud.' Clay leaned in to talk lower, closer to Harm. 'Maybe, secretly, we think if we were in the same work, we could find out what really happened to them.' Then he leaned back in the chair. 'Only I joined the wrong branch. My branch of the service keeps their secrets, and since I am one of them, I can't break the rules to find out the answers…like you did.'
'I didn't break…' Harm began.
'Oh yes you did.' Clay interjected. 'You quit the Navy any time it gets in the way of what you want. Whereas I, just keep digging. Get stopped at one point, I go and try from another angle. I'll keep digging when no one is looking. Someday I'll find out what happened.' He paused, thinking. Then he said, under his breath. 'No, I probably won't.' he said, taking another drink.
Clay looked up at Harm again, and asked another question. He wasn't as drunk as all these questions made him sound. Or maybe he was. 'Do you ever hate him?'
'Hate who?' Harm asked.
Clayton changed direction once again. 'Do you love your mother Rabb?'
Harm was having a hard time following all the twists and turns Clayton's mind was taking. But he was willing to stay and listen to his friend, and keep the conversation going. Clay seemed to need to talk, and Harm was his friend, he would stay and talk. Just maybe he would gain some understanding to why Clay had broken things off with Amy, and why they were both hurting so much now.
Harm answered Clay's question. 'I love my mother very much. What has that got to do with anything?'
Clay continued. 'I love my mother. She is the most important, most wonderful woman in the world. And sometimes….I really hate my father for leaving her. For dying on her. Leaving her alone in the years they should have had together, without the Agency. Leaving her to finish raising me.' Clayton looked up at Harm. 'Your mother had it even tougher since you were still so young. Eventually, I'm going to die, I feel my luck is running out and someday soon, it will be all gone. And my loved ones will never know, where, or why or how I died. Did I know I was about to die? Was I in pain? Did I have a split second to think of them before the end?'
'Harm, I love Amy too much to put her through that. God help me I love her, but I couldn't be…I couldn't do that too her.'
They sat in silence, lost in their own memories and unanswered questions.
So that was it. Harm knew that Clayton had a strong sense of protection for those he loved. This had finally made him make this sacrifice. If he broke off the relationship with Amy, Clay was protecting her from some possible, future pain, and loss. But Harm did not think Clay had known the pain he caused right now to Amy, and to himself. A man can break up with a woman, avoid seeing her, but what does he do with love he still feels for her, that keeps growing everyday? Harm understood those feelings. But he did not know how to help his friend now.
Harm said simply, 'So you let her go.'
Clay nodded. 'I let her go. Now. Before it got any worse.'
'You broke her heart.' Harm told him.
Clay closed his eyes again, as if that would stop the pain and truth from coming to him. He knew that. He had broken his own heart. But it was for the best, for both of them. At least that is what he kept repeating to himself 100 times a day. He had even thought of picking up the phone and calling her, begging her to see him, and asking her forgiveness. But he stopped himself every time.
'Better now than later,' Clay said, 'after hopes and dreams and plans set in.'
But what about your hopes and dreams, Clay? What about the love you feel? Harm wanted to ask, but just couldn't bring himself to it. Maybe Clay was right. Maybe Amy was safer somehow now. Harm just didn't know. And it hurt him to see both Amy and Clay so sad.
The two men sat in silence.
Finally Harm said. 'Lets get out of here Clay. I'll drive you home.' He could explain things to Bud and Turner later.
'Yeah.' Was all the reply Clay gave him.
The two men stood up, and left the pub.
Date April 2004
This is the third chapter of what will be many chapters in a series titled: Webb Odyssey. Watch for more stories under this title or my name. Clayton Webb has become a favorite character with me, and the story really involves him. Enjoy.
This Chapter is rated PG for some adult content.
Disclaimer: The Clayton Webb character, and other JAG characters, belong to Donald P. Bellisario, Bellisario Productions, CBS, et al. All other characters and situations of this story belong to the author. No copying of this material is allowed without my consent. For your reading pleasure, one copy is allowed.
WEBB Odyssey II
Adventures of Clayton Webb and his friends at JAG, and certain special someone.
Rating: PG
Classification: JAG - Story
Webb/other Romance - Adventure
Spoilers: None, written after Tangled Webb.
See Chapters 1 and 2, for the beginning of the story.
Summary: Clayton Webb has settled down, or so it seems. And, is that really a good thing? Our favorite spy struggles with affairs of the world, and affairs of the heart.
Chapter 3
A Man's Gotta Do, What a Man's Gotta Do
On the road to the Webb Residence
Great Falls, VA
18:20 hours
Clayton Webb's life had moved into a very comfortable rhythm.
He and Amy talked almost everyday. They had dinner together when he was in town during the week at least once, and spent the weekends together whenever they could. Clay had gotten in the habit of bringing work home from the office on Friday, spending the day with Amy on Saturday. They went for drives along the coast, or a concert, or do some activity they both enjoyed. Sometimes he would take her riding at his mother's home in Virginia. One of their favorite Saturday pastimes was walks along the Virginia beach, no matter the weather. Then they would have a simple dinner out, and go back to Amy's apartment. They would spend the night in each other's arms, giving and discovering each other in ways neither had ever experienced before. Clay could not seem to get enough of Amy, his Jar Head as he playful called her. And she teased him back, calling him Spook.
Sundays were very lazy. They would work on things they both had brought home from their office; sometimes Amy sewed her quilts, with music in the background. They both loved music. Sometimes, when they were at Clay's townhouse, they would sit at the piano all evening, Clay playing, and Amy singing. Broadway songs, old love songs, hymns, whatever. Clay loved listening to Amy's clear high voice. He would keep her singing until she was horse, or laughing so hard they both had to stop. Amy made him laugh. Not too many people could do that. Clay had at times been accused of having no sense of humor, but Amy recognized that Clay had a very dry sense of humor, and she was able to tape right in and make him laugh so easily. Sundays also meant cooking. Since they both lived alone, but enjoyed cooking, they did it together, and made all sorts of dishes for each other, and cleaning up together afterwards. It did not seem to matter what they were doing, as long as they did it together, they had a good time.
When Clay had to be away for work, he would tell Amy he was going, and she never pouted, or asked questions he couldn't answer. When he returned, they just picked up where they had left off, and she always asked if everything had gone as planned, or if the mission was successful. Clay would give her short answers. He knew she wasn't prying, just wondering if the work he did was successful, taking an interest in what he did. Once he had told her all he could, she changed the subject, and never brought it up again.
Clayton was beginning to like this addition to his life. He found himself looking forward to Saturday and Sunday with Amy more than he had with anyone. He had never been one to 'chat on the phone' for an evening with a woman before, but he always enjoyed talking with her; about her day, what they would do on the weekend, who was going to cook, talking about everything, and nothing at all. When he did not see her, she was the first thought he had as he woke up in his own bed, and last face he saw as he closed his eyes at night.
A little smile crossed his face as these thoughts ran through his head while he drove to Great Falls to have dinner with his Mother one weeknight. You've got it bad, Clay ol' boy, he thought to himself.
That same evening
Amy's Apartment, Georgetown
18:50 hours
It had been a while since Amy and Sarah's schedules had allowed them to get together, just the two of them, for dinner. Sarah had been busy at JAG, which included an investigation aboard a ship in the Mediterranean for a week. She had also been spending a lot of time with her favorite fly boy, one Harmon Rabb Jr. They were still keeping the relationship quiet around the office, but still spent a lot of time together after office hours.
Amy had also been very busy with her work at the office of Home Land Security at the Pentagon, and spending time with Clay. But she had looked forward all week to an evening with her good friend Sarah, and some old fashioned 'girl talk'.
The two friends had shared cooking duties, and had caught up with all the news in their respected offices. They discussed the world news and the situation in Iraq, along with the things women talk about with their girl friends.
When dinner was finished, and the dishwasher started, the two women made themselves comfortable in Amy's living room. Amy brought over a glass of wine for herself, and Sarah helped herself to another tonic water and twist.
'So tell me,' Amy began, 'how is Harm these days? How is it going between you two?' Amy knew Sarah and Harm had accepted their feelings for each other, and she also knew the problems that came with that acceptance. Sarah had told Amy about the relationship, since Amy did not work at JAG, and Sarah had wanted to share the news with a friend.
'Well,' Sarah answered, 'we decided to tell the Admiral about everything. It was very hard, but we both felt like we were sneaking around. And that is a bad way to start any real relationship.' Sarah said. She remembered the day they had both stayed late to talk to the Admiral after everyone had else had left for the day. Both she and Harm knew they were taking a chance confronting the Admiral with the truth. It would mean one of them would have to leave JAG, because of the rule that officers can not be involved with each other in the same chain of command. But they were being dishonest with their CO if they did not tell him. And they both thought too highly of AJ to lie to him.
'How did that go?' Amy asked, her interest peeked.
'Better than I thought it would.' Sarah said with a smile remembering the meeting. 'He wasn't surprised. And he seemed pleased that we had actually gotten together. But our confession did put him in a tight spot. He doesn't want either one of us to leave. Though he did not actually say that out loud. Neither of us want to leave JAG, but…what else can we do?'
Amy sympathized with her friend. 'Did you decide yet which of you will leave JAG?' she asked.
'No, we left that up to the Admiral. He seemed to want to find a good spot, here in Washington for one of us. He said it depends on what he can find available.' Sarah answered. 'Both Harm and I trust him to do what is best, and we appreciate his support. In the mean time, we are trying to keep our relationship low key around the office. It does seem everyone knows anyway, but they are not talking to us about it. They all have been very supportive. Harm and I are very lucky to have so many people care about us.' She said.
Amy asked, 'What about Bud and Harriet? They have worked there together for years?' She had always wondered how that had been arranged, around Nave regulations.
'Harriet is attached to the Inspector General's office, not directly under the Admiral's command. It's too much for Harm and I to hope for, or ask for the chance for lightening to strike twice, and let us both stay at JAG.' Sarah said.
Then Sarah smiled and said, 'But enough about me. What about you and Clay? How are things going between you two?'
Amy rolled her eyes. She knew this question was going to come up tonight, but had wanted to avoid it. How were things between her and Clay anyway? She wasn't sure. 'Oh, things are going pretty well I think.' Amy answered. 'You know Clay.' She said. Amy knew Sarah and Clay had been involved before she finally hooked up with Harm. Amy was not sure how it had ended between Clay and Sarah, and Amy had not wished to bring it up with Clay. It might have been awkward, since Clay knew Amy and Sarah were good friends.
'Does anyone really know Clayton Webb?' Sarah asked with a laugh. 'When we were together he seemed very tight lipped around me. Hard to get to know. And all the secrets, and time away on a moments notice. The broken dates. No word from him for weeks, then he would just show up again on my doorstep and want to pick up right where we left off. How do you put up with all that? I know it bothered me.'
Amy thought a moment. Yes, Clay was hard to get to know. But she had found that where he did not talk much about his feelings, he did show how much he cared by how he treated her, all the little things he does for her.
'We've gotten very close. I enjoy being with him, and he seems to enjoy being with me. At least he keeps calling me.' Amy said with a laugh.
But Sarah wanted to know more. 'Yes, but what about 'THE JOB'?' she asked.
'I'll admit I have trouble with 'THE JOB' at times.' Amy confessed, to put it mildly. 'Especially when he is away. I don't like it when he is gone. I worry about him.' She did worry about him. She couldn't help it. Sometimes she wondered if she had a right to worry about him. The memory of him dragging himself to her door as soon as he could from that one mission, hurt, and exhausted, was always with her. She would always take him in, offer him help, but she hoped she didn't have to see him like that again.
Sarah interrupted her thoughts. 'Yeah, the absences were hard. Not hearing from him for weeks, then having him show up suddenly like nothing had happened, and wanting to pick up where we left off.'
'Well, what do you expect?' Amy asked with a laugh. 'Go back to step C when you had reached step E in the relationship?'
'But, what about the secrets?' Sarah asked. There had been things between her and Clay when they were together that still bothered her. She wanted to know that she was not the only one that had these frustrations. 'All the cloak and dagger stuff? You have to admit that is hard to take? Hard to build up any sort of trust in a relationship.'
'Sarah, you already had a working relationship with Clay when you started going out with him. And in that past relationship Clay was not always honest with you, and that might make it hard to start trusting him.' Amy reasoned. 'I did not have that history, and I do trust Clay. He is out defending his country, just like I do, just like you do, not out with other women. He would never hurt me that way. Although he does go out with his mother, and I can hardly be jealous of that.' She smiled. 'Accept the man, accept the job. It's all part of the package.'
Sarah remembered when Clay had hurt her. Or had she just hurt herself? When Sadik had come back, and she had to face him alone. She was hurt that Clay was not there to support her then, or after when she had been so angry with everyone. 'What about when you really need him? Need his support and he is not there?'
Amy could tell they were getting into touchy ground. She did not want to hurt Sarah, making her feel as if she had done something wrong in her relationship with Clay... The fact was that Sarah had been in love with Harm all along, and being with anyone else was not going to work out. Sarah's only fault was to be in love with someone else.
Amy decided to put the pressure on herself. 'Then I handle it myself, like I always have.'
The two friends sat quietly for a moment, thinking of their loves, and mistakes we all make along the way.
'In the end Sarah, we all do our duty. You leave at a moments notice too, break engagements, and you can't always tell everyone where you are going, and what you are doing there. How long you will be gone. You have to go conduct an investigation, or work on a trial anywhere in the world that Navy or Marine personal need you. How is that different from what Clay does? He is doing his duty. And I can't fault him for that. I don't like it all the time, but I understand.' She said.
'You seem to be able to up with more than I did.' Sarah said quietly.
'I don't have much of a choice. I…I think… no, I am in love, and I just have to take the job with the man.' Amy confessed.
'Honey, that's great.' Sarah said, truly happy for her friend. 'Have you told Clay? What about him?'
'I think he does.' Amy answered cautiously.
'That's good isn't it?' Sarah asked.
'I'm scared. I'm in love, but…is it enough?'
'Enough for what?' Sarah didn't understand her friend's concern.
Amy tried to explain, 'I'm afraid he loves me too, but will it be enough? Will he be able to love me and do his job too? I have this feeling sometimes, like Clay…thinks he can't have both his job, and love in his life.'
Sarah tried to reassure her, 'Amy, Clay knows what he wants, and he will do what he has to do to get it, or keep it. Don't worry.' Sarah said confidently.
'My worry is which does he want the most? His job, his life really. Or me?'
Two weeks later
Benefit Ball for Children's Hospital
1922 hours local time
Porter Webb dressed in a simple long black dress and chiffon jacket moved among the crowd at the Benefit Dance greeting friends and acquaintances, answering whispered questions from the staff of volunteers who were setting things up, and keeping an eye out for her son. This was her third year on the committee to organize the Benefit, the first year she was not chairing the event, and she planned on enjoying herself. Maybe tonight she would even get the chance to dance with her son Clayton. Or, maybe not. Clayton had said he would invite his new lady friend to the dance tonight when they had dinner at home two weeks ago. Maybe she would take up all his dances and attention tonight. When Clayton had talked about her, Amy was her name, he had a smile on his face, and a twinkle in his eyes. Porter was very curious to meet this young lady, who seemed so special to her son.
As she glanced for what must have been the 50th time at the entrance, she saw him. His hair short and combed back, wearing an impeccably tailored black tuxedo, ah, and his dancing shoes, she noticed. She laughed at herself inside, he is a grown man, and you are still checking on the appropriateness of his clothes for the evening. Then she sighed. He looks so much like Neville, especially when he is dressed in a tuxedo. Porter Webb allowed herself the indulgence to miss her husband for one moment. Then she put a smile on her face as her handsome son, and a lovely woman approached her.
'Mother, you are looking as lovely as ever' Clayton said as he took her hands in his, and kissed her on the cheek in greeting.
'Thank you darling. You look very handsome yourself.' She responded as he pulled away. She stood looking at him, 'So much like your father.'
'I know Mother.' Clayton responded, and the two of them just shared the moment, remembering Neville, and wishing somehow he could be here too.
Clayton then turned and, and brought Amy forward. She had stayed a step behind, and watched Mother and son greet each other. She thought Porter Webb was a striking woman. Tall, with lovely features, and a commanding presence. And she obviously loved her son, and the feeling was mutual. The two of them had a very special bond that excluded anyone else. It will be hard to break into this club, she thought.
'Mother, I would like you to meet Amelia Harris. Amelia, my mother, Porter Webb.'
Amy stepped forward and shook Porter's offered hand. 'It is a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Webb.' She said. 'And please call me Amy. Clayton has told me so much about you.'
Porter looked from Amy to her son in surprise. 'It is good to meet you, Amy. Please call me Porter. It is funny you should say Clayton has told you about me. He hasn't told me hardly anything about you.' Porter kept hold of Amy's hand and began leading her away from Clayton. 'Why don't you come and sit with me and I will see if my son is good enough for you.' She said with a sly smile at Clayton.
As the two women moved off, Clayton followed a step behind, and became very wary. Maybe introducing his mother and his girlfriend tonight was a bad idea. He could tell it was going to be a very long night.
Clayton's prediction was right. It was turning out to be a long evening, but an enjoyable one, sort of. Amy and his mother had become good friends over dinner. His mother sharing several embarrassing stories from Clayton's childhood, and they both enjoyed the stories, at his expense. Some of them he remembered, some he had thankfully forgotten, and was sorry his mother still remembered them.
He danced with both ladies, once the music started, and thought maybe the worst was over. Both Amy and Porter were good dance partners, but it just always seemed more comfortable dancing with Porter. Should be no surprise, Clayton told himself; he learned how to dance with his mother, and they understood each other so well.
During one such Mother and Son dance, Porter started talking to him about Amy.
'She is a lovely girl, Clayton.' Porter stated. She had watched to two young people all evening, and was very interested in watching Clayton with Amy. He seemed very taken with her. And, Amy was taken with Clayton as well. Porter was pleased with the arrangement.
'I think she is lovely too, Mother. I am glad you think so.' Clayton said, and continued dancing.
'How long have you known her?' Porter asked.
'A few months.' Clay answered, being careful not to be too specific. He knew his mother was fishing for information, and Clay was not in the mood to bite.
Porter continued with her questions. Clayton may not want to talk, but she wanted to know a few more things. 'How much does she know about you?'
Clay couldn't help smiling, but he did not look at Porter right away. 'If you are asking if she knows who I work for, and what I do, she knows everything Mother.'
Porter was satisfied with that for now. The two danced on. Then Porter decided to stir the pot, just once more. Without looking at Clayton, she simply stated, 'She loves you.'
Now it was Clayton's turn to ask questions. 'Did she tell you that?'
'No' she said. 'But I can tell. She is a good woman. Almost too good for you.'
Clay had had enough. 'What are you trying to say Mother? I've never known you to be one to beat around the bush.'
Porter ignored his question in true CIA fashion, and asked one if her own. 'Do you love her?'
They looked at each other, and finally Clayton said, 'Don't ask me that Mother.'
Porter thought it was time to back up a little, they were in dangerous territory. 'I have never been one to mettle in your love life Clayton.'
'Oh,' he said. 'What about Miriam Crawford?' A young lady Clayton dated his second year at Harvard. Very pretty and full of life, who adored Clayton. Or, at least at the time he thought she adored him. His Mother had shown him otherwise. 'You were 20 years old and infatuated. She was after your money.'
'Still….' Clayton said.
'It hardly counts dear. I'm only saying Amy is a woman who I think could make you very happy. And forgive me for being a loving mother who wants to see her son happy.' Porter said in her defense.
Clayton smiled at this. Sometimes his Mother could play the doting Mother, and bat her eyes at him to get her way. Now was not one of those times. He looked down at her. 'Happy, and providing her with Grandchildren. I've heard the conversations here tonight. You know how hard my kind of life is on a family. It's not fair really, to the agent or the family.'
'You don't have to tell me Clayton. I know it better than you do.' Porter said, a little hurt.
Clayton was immediately sorry. Of course she knew better than anyone. 'I'm sorry Mother.' He said it to apologize for bringing up difficult memories, and to apologize for the life she had to live, sort of an apology on behalf of his Father as well.
The music stopped, and Mother and son stood on the dance floor in each others arms for a moment, looking at each other, and thinking their own thoughts.
Mother thinking how it had been only the two of them for so long. Maybe it was time to open up their little circle enough for one more person. The one sitting at the table nearby watching them intently.
Son was thinking about all the lonely times as a child without a father. Not knowing where that father was, not understanding why there were so many secrets. Then, loosing that father so abruptly, with so many unanswered questions. Could he do that to a son or daughter of his own? But, could he give it all up for a son or daughter he might have one day?
The other dancers had left the dance floor, and the band was taking a break. These thoughts went by in a flash, and suddenly Clayton's heart had dropped to the pit of his stomach. Instead of looking at his mother, he saw Amy. His wife, older, lonely, and raising children alone, too soon.
He blinked, and he saw Porter again, looking up at him, with a hint of tears in her clear blue eyes. 'I love you Clayton.' She said. 'Be happy.' Then she turned and walked back to their table, a warm smile on her face, and Clayton dutifully followed her.
CIA Headquarters
Langley, VA
0637 hours
A few days after the Benefit Ball, Clayton Webb was making his way to his office at Langley. He was thinking again about his love for Amy, a future which could include marriage and a family. Part of him really wanted that with Amy. But was it fair for him to ask her to share that? To ask a child to be part of that kind of life? He remembered his own childhood and all the times he had wanted his father to be there, but he was gone. Clayton had understood, as much as a child can understand these things. His mother had always been there for him, no matter what, but sometimes, a kid needed his Dad.
What if I took a desk job, Clay thought. Or at least drew less field time? Was it fair to him to give up what he loved to do, and was damn good at? He had worked hard, sacrificed a lot to be where he was today. Was he willing to give it up to have a family?
All this was going through his head and he fell back on the answer he had used the past few days. It does not need to be decided today. Or, maybe it was time he did make some decision, before things got any further with Amy. He should state his intentions.
Clayton walked toward the elevators to his office. As always, he walked passed the wall of fallen agents, the wall of stars with no names. This was usually a place of peace and serenity, but not this morning. This morning there were two work men in front of the wall. There was a large tarp on the floor, and the area was roped off. Clayton walked closer to see what was going on. It was early, and not many people were around. Suddenly the air was split with the piercing noise of a power drill. One of the workmen was on a ladder, drilling a hole. The other was on the floor beside the ladder. They both were talking in low tones. The one on the floor handed something up to the one on the ladder, and Clayton watched as the workman carefully placed a star at the place he had drilled a hole.
Clayton swallowed hard, past the lump in his throat. He didn't know an agent had died and would never know their name. But Clayton missed them. Felt sorrow for their loss. He felt sorrow for the agent's family too. Did they know yet? Were they receiving the news somewhere close by right now? Would there be a body to bury, or simply a memorial service? What a hell of a life, he thought.
Clayton didn't pray much outside of church. But he bent his head, and said a prayer to heaven for the fallen, and the family. Then he said one for all agents.
As the workmen put their tools away, and began cleaning up the area, Clayton Webb turned, and headed toward the elevators. He had made up his mind. He knew now what he had to do.
Christos Greek Restaurant
Arlington, VA
1908 local time
Clayton Webb left his office to meet his girlfriend for dinner. Usually an evening spent with Amy put a smile on his face, a spring in his step and anticipation in his heart. Tonight however, his heart was heavy, and it looked like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. He had been over it and over it in his mind for days. It was hard, but he always came back to the same conclusion.
Clay had been busy at the office for several days, planing, making arrangements. He was going to go to Northern Iraq himself for a while and try and gather more information on this insurgent group. They had as much as they could from military intelligence. Now it was time to do some foot work themselves. He was back in action at CIA. He had worked hard to get here, and he had made his choice. It wasn't fair to Amy anymore. He loved her, but he had to be fair. He would talk to her tonight, and go to work overseas for a while, try and forget her. Like that would ever happen, he told himself.
He had arranged to meet her at the restaurant. She would drive herself. They would have dinner, and then….he didn't want to think about what came next.
Clay arrived first. He was shown a table near the back. It was a quiet Greek restaurant, olive oil and spices filled the air. He sat down and ordered a Scotch. He felt he was going to need it. Bravery in a glass on ice.
He didn't have to wait long. He saw her enter the restaurant. She had changed out of her uniform and was wearing a short dark blue dress looking like the pretties woman in the world. She had a big smile on her face when she saw him, and made her way to the table. Clay shook his head, wondering how he was going to make it through tonight. Clay stood up and held her chair for her.
He couldn't keep his eyes off her. She put her hand on his shoulder and leaned in to kiss his cheek before sitting down. At the last moment he couldn't help himself, he turned and she kissed him full on the mouth. Part of him wanted to take her in his arms and hold her, deepen the kiss, and make it last forever, but they were in a public place. And he had to be strong to do what he intended tonight. The kiss was short, but sweet. He could smell her perfume, and breathed deep as if he could hold onto that warm scent, take it with him. But the moment was over, and she sat down.
'Hello Clayton.' She said, as she sat down in the chair he held for her.
'Hello' he answered, and sat back down in his chair. The waiter came over and Amy ordered a glass of wine. Clay asked for another Scotch.
Amy began talking of her day. Clay listened with half an ear. He sat memorizing her face, how her eyes sparkled, and her smile when she looked at him. He was going to miss that special smile.
Amy felt Clay was preoccupied. He seemed to have his mind on something else. She kept catching him looking intently at her, and then would quickly look away when she glanced at him. He would never meet her face to face. Maybe he has to tell me he is going away again, she thought.
'Clay, is something bothering you? You seem distant.' She asked
'No, nothings bothering me' he lied. You have to do this. Its for her own good he told himself. Get started. 'Well, I do have something to talk to you about Amy.' He began.
She looked right at him, and gave him a playful smile 'What's that?' she asked.
Clay took a sip of his drink 'Amy, you know I have been working a lot lately. I've been given a special assignment?'
'Yes,' she answered. 'Though I do not know what it is about. And I'm not going to ask now.' Her smiled faded a little and she looked at the table cloth. 'Will you have to go on assignment for a while?' she asked carefully.
'Yes.' He answered, and left it there.
She looked at Clay across the table. He looked sad somehow. Maybe he would be away a long time, she thought. She didn't like it when he was away. She missed him, and worried about him. She understood the need for him to work far away sometimes, and supported him the best way she knew how, but she still didn't like it.
'Amy,' Clay began, but the waiter came with their drinks, and was ready to take their order. Neither was ready, so he moved off to give them more time.
Clayton took a sip of his drink before he continued. 'Amy, things have changed for me at Langley. I will be busier, more involved with operations'
Amy nodded, but didn't say anything. Clay went on, 'I am sorry, but I am not going to be able to see you anymore. It wouldn't be fair.' There, he said it, now all he had to do was wait.
Amy just looked at him, her brows knit together in some confusion. 'What are you saying Clay?'
'Amy, I can not continue to see you…' he started, but she cut him off.
'Have I ever complained that I felt you were unfair to me?' she asked. Her gut was beginning to tie up in knots. Was he really trying to break up with her?
'No, Amy. You have been wonderful.' Clay began, but Amy interrupted him again. 'Then I don't see the problem.' She said. 'If it is a matter of less time to spend together, that is unfortunate, but I don't see that we have to stop seeing each other completely.'
'I just can't be with you anymore. It…, I have really enjoyed our time together. But I cannot continue in this relationship with you.' Clay couldn't find the right words. She was so understanding, and wanted to stay with him, but he knew it just wasn't possible. He hated himself for hurting her, but better now than later. He was trying to save her from a life of worry, and anxiety, and loneliness. But he couldn't tell her that. 'Amy, it is just better if we break it off now.' He said.
Amy could not believe what he was saying. The knot grew in her stomach. She tried to convince him that she accepted his job, to try and stop him from doing this to her, to them and what they had together. 'Clay, I have been nothing but supportive, and understanding of your work. I don't like it but I accept it. But,….I don't understand this. Please don't do this Clay.'
He just sat looking at her across the table. 'Amy. I don't want to hurt you.'
Very quietly, not trusting her voice she said, 'Well you have failed there.'
She just looked at him. The pain was evident on her face. He could see she was fighting to keep back the tears. Clayton wanted to look away, but he made himself look at her face. At the pain. He gave it to her; it would be cowardly to ignore it. Her lonely face would haunt him in the days to come.
There was silence at the table as they looked at each other, trying to understand what was happening. Was he really going to do this to her? Had he lied about loving her, Amy asked herself. Looking at him now; at the love and pain in his eyes, she knew he had not lied about his love for her. Then why was he letting her go? Amy knew she would never get the real answer from him. He wanted out. Maybe the commitment scared him. Or maybe his commitment was to his job, not her. He had made the choice she had always dreaded. She knew it would come down to this, she just had hoped for a different outcome.
'I'm sorry, Amy.' Clay said very quietly.
Amy was hurt even more by that statement.
'You think that makes everything all right don't you? It doesn't.' she said angry now, and got up to leave.
'Please don't go, not like this. Stay and have dinner with me as a…'
She stopped him there. 'Don't even say the word Clayton. I love you. You said you love me too. I can't turn that off as easily as you seem to be able to do. If this is what you want, then don't call me, don't contact me in any way. I don't wish to see you ever again if I can help it.' Amy said that very clearly. 'You want out of my life. Fine. You are all the way out then.' She turned and left the restaurant.
The waiter approached the table ready to take their order. 'Will the lady be returning, sir?' he asked.
Clay watched the door Amy had just stepped out of, out the door, and out of his life. 'No.' Clay answered with out looking at him. 'I made sure of that.' He downed the rest of his Scotch. 'Just bring the check. I'm not hungry any more.'
Three weeks later
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA
1640 hours
It had been a quiet Friday afternoon. It was a beautiful summer day, and some people had snuck out early, since the Admiral was attending meetings on the Hill.
Harm was making his way back to his office from the library where he had been hold up all day researching some cases. No one was around, but he did see that Mac was in her office, working on her computer.
He decided to poke his head in and say 'Hi.' He had hardly talked to her all day.
He brought his head just inside the doorway and stood looking at her. She was so beautiful, with the sun at her back, lighting up her hair. 'Hey beautiful' he said, in a rather loud whisper.
Sarah was startled by his voice and quickly looked up. Why was he calling her that here? At the office? When she looked up, she saw that no one was around, and decided not to chastise him for calling her 'beautiful' in the office. It was safe. 'Hey yourself fly boy.'
'Everyone else has skipped out, let's you and go too. You almost finished?' he asked.
'Yes, I could be. What did you have in mind?' she asked him with a smile on her face.
'Let's try that new Indian place on Jefferson. Then maybe we could catch an early movie.' He suggested.
Mac's stomach grumbled at the mention of food. She had been too busy to have lunch today, and an early dinner sounded good. She wasn't sure about going to see a movie, but thought that could be negotiated over dinner. 'Sounds good to me. Mind if I call Amy and invite her and Clay to join us? I haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks. Or Clay either for that matter.'
Harm thought it over for a moment. He was very careful of the time he spent alone with Sarah, and was sort of jealous of it. But, it would be good to see Clay and Amy. The four of them had never gone out together before, but they were all friends, so why not? 'All right, give her a call.'
Harm stepped into the office, as Mac dialed Amy's work phone number. She had the phone on speaker, so Harm could hear the conversation also. 'Major Harris' came Amy's voice as she picked up the line.
'Amy, it's Sarah, how are you?'
'Hey Sarah. I'm good how about yourself?' Amy asked.
'I'm fine, and I'm ready to start the weekend. Harm is in my office here.'
'Hi Amy' Harm said.
'Hi Harm.'
Sarah continued, 'We were going to try that new Indian restaurant on Jefferson tonight, and wondered if you and Clay could join us.'
Amy was quiet for a moment at the other end of the line, and then her voice came back. 'I would love to join you. Thanks.' She said, a little too brightly.
Sarah sensed something was different. 'Oh, is Clay out of town right now?' she asked.
'Um, Clay doesn't tell me his schedule anymore. We broke up a few weeks ago.' Amy just left it there. There really wasn't more to say. She was not going to make excuses for Clay, or try and explain something she did not understand completely herself.
Sarah and Harm looked at each other across her desk. Surprised by Amy's answer. 'Amy' Sarah said, 'I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?' she asked, then immediately regretted asking it. It really wasn't any of her business, and Amy probably did not want to talk about it in front of Harm.
'Clay just broke it off. He had his reasons.' Amy answered. Whatever they are, she did not add. Amy wanted to move on. She didn't want to get into this over the phone, or anytime for that matter. 'But I would love to join you for dinner, if you don't mind a third wheel.' She said.
Harm spoke up. 'We would love to have you join us. Can you meet us there by 1800?' he asked.
'1800 it is. On Jefferson you said, right?'
'That's right, see you then.' Harm said.
'Bye.' Amy said and hung up.
Sarah and Harm looked at each other. Surprised and sadden at the news. Sarah had thought things were fine between Clay and her friend. She had been happy for both of them.
'So Clay broke it off. Wonder why.' Harm said, thinking out loud.
'We will never know. Not with Clay.' Sarah said. 'It is sad though. I had hoped he had found someone to love in Amy.'
'To spare your guilty conscience for breaking his heart to be with me?' Harm asked.
'Both our guilty consciences.' Sarah said a little defensively. 'Maybe. He just seemed to need someone, was ready to love someone.' Sarah said.
'I guess not.' Harm said flatly. Sarah was right. They had both wished the best for Clay. They had wanted to see him happy. But, the reasons were his business, and they would have to leave it at that.
Half an hour later, Harm and Sarah left the office. Each to go to their homes and change before meeting Amy for dinner. Both determined to put on a happy face for her, and have a good time. Just the three of them.
Weeks later
McClinty's Pub
Falls Church, VA
1440 hours local time
Commander Rabb entered the pub. The happy hour crowd was just beginning to come in, but it wasn't too busy yet. Harm decided to get a table in the back and wait for Bud and Turner to join him. Walking toward the back of the pub he saw Clayton at a table in the corner, a bottle and a glass in front of him, sitting back in the chair, swirling the amber liquid in the glass, but not looking at it. Clayton was looking at something a million miles away.
Webb saw Rabb approach the table and he greeted him, raising his glass. "Harmon Rabb, Jr. My friend. Bar tender, another glass." Harm shook his head at the bar tender to cancel that request, and sat down at the table in front of Clay.
Clay looked across at Harm and smiled. 'So she sent you. I'm glad its you, I couldn't face Sarah right now.' Clay said, and the smile disappeared quickly from is face.
Surprised at seeing his friend this way, Harm asked, 'Clay, are you drunk?'
'No, but I'm working on it.' Clay said, pouring himself another drink. He was not drunk yet, but he planned on getting there very quickly. 'So Amy sent you, did she?' he asked.
'Amy didn't send me.' Answered Harm. 'I am meeting Bud and Turner here shortly.'
'You did talk to her?' Clay asked hopefully.
'Yes, I did talk to her. She joined Mac and I for dinner last week.' Harm said.
'How did she look?' Clay asked anxiously. He may not have seen her, or talked to her in weeks, but her face and voice was all he could think about when he was alone. And he had been alone too much lately.
'She looked better off than you right now.' Harm answered. Clay waited to hear more. 'She did look lonely and hurt though. I think she misses you Clay. Want to tell me what happened?' Harm offered. He wasn't trying to pry, just give Clay a chance to talk it out.
Clay was quiet for a moment, thinking over what Harm had said. Missed me? He thought. I miss her too. For just a heartbeat he closed his eyes, and allowed himself to really feel just how much he did miss Amy. With all his heart. He opened his eyes and saw Harm waiting for an answer. He gave him one.
'I'm no damn good for her, that's what happened. She deserves better.' He drained his glass, and poured another one.
'I'll agree with you there.' Harm said.
'You and I have a lot in common Harm. Deep down somewhere we yearn for hearth and home and a family of our own, but we have to be in control. And we realize, we can't be in control and commit ourselves to someone at the same time, so we stay away.' Clay paused here. Thought a moment, then continued.
'Then there are those who can commit, like Roberts, and we watch and see how happy they are, and it makes us sick.' He took another drink.
'What's this about Clay?' Harm asked trying to keep him on track.
Clay just kept going with his own thoughts. 'That's something else we have in common Harm. We both lost our fathers in tragic, mysterious ways. I didn't lose mine quite as young as you did, but still….
Then we followed in their footsteps. Maybe to make them proud.' Clay leaned in to talk lower, closer to Harm. 'Maybe, secretly, we think if we were in the same work, we could find out what really happened to them.' Then he leaned back in the chair. 'Only I joined the wrong branch. My branch of the service keeps their secrets, and since I am one of them, I can't break the rules to find out the answers…like you did.'
'I didn't break…' Harm began.
'Oh yes you did.' Clay interjected. 'You quit the Navy any time it gets in the way of what you want. Whereas I, just keep digging. Get stopped at one point, I go and try from another angle. I'll keep digging when no one is looking. Someday I'll find out what happened.' He paused, thinking. Then he said, under his breath. 'No, I probably won't.' he said, taking another drink.
Clay looked up at Harm again, and asked another question. He wasn't as drunk as all these questions made him sound. Or maybe he was. 'Do you ever hate him?'
'Hate who?' Harm asked.
Clayton changed direction once again. 'Do you love your mother Rabb?'
Harm was having a hard time following all the twists and turns Clayton's mind was taking. But he was willing to stay and listen to his friend, and keep the conversation going. Clay seemed to need to talk, and Harm was his friend, he would stay and talk. Just maybe he would gain some understanding to why Clay had broken things off with Amy, and why they were both hurting so much now.
Harm answered Clay's question. 'I love my mother very much. What has that got to do with anything?'
Clay continued. 'I love my mother. She is the most important, most wonderful woman in the world. And sometimes….I really hate my father for leaving her. For dying on her. Leaving her alone in the years they should have had together, without the Agency. Leaving her to finish raising me.' Clayton looked up at Harm. 'Your mother had it even tougher since you were still so young. Eventually, I'm going to die, I feel my luck is running out and someday soon, it will be all gone. And my loved ones will never know, where, or why or how I died. Did I know I was about to die? Was I in pain? Did I have a split second to think of them before the end?'
'Harm, I love Amy too much to put her through that. God help me I love her, but I couldn't be…I couldn't do that too her.'
They sat in silence, lost in their own memories and unanswered questions.
So that was it. Harm knew that Clayton had a strong sense of protection for those he loved. This had finally made him make this sacrifice. If he broke off the relationship with Amy, Clay was protecting her from some possible, future pain, and loss. But Harm did not think Clay had known the pain he caused right now to Amy, and to himself. A man can break up with a woman, avoid seeing her, but what does he do with love he still feels for her, that keeps growing everyday? Harm understood those feelings. But he did not know how to help his friend now.
Harm said simply, 'So you let her go.'
Clay nodded. 'I let her go. Now. Before it got any worse.'
'You broke her heart.' Harm told him.
Clay closed his eyes again, as if that would stop the pain and truth from coming to him. He knew that. He had broken his own heart. But it was for the best, for both of them. At least that is what he kept repeating to himself 100 times a day. He had even thought of picking up the phone and calling her, begging her to see him, and asking her forgiveness. But he stopped himself every time.
'Better now than later,' Clay said, 'after hopes and dreams and plans set in.'
But what about your hopes and dreams, Clay? What about the love you feel? Harm wanted to ask, but just couldn't bring himself to it. Maybe Clay was right. Maybe Amy was safer somehow now. Harm just didn't know. And it hurt him to see both Amy and Clay so sad.
The two men sat in silence.
Finally Harm said. 'Lets get out of here Clay. I'll drive you home.' He could explain things to Bud and Turner later.
'Yeah.' Was all the reply Clay gave him.
The two men stood up, and left the pub.