Control - Part One
He was drunk. It was obvious even to himself.
Nina was sitting across the table watching him silently. He had done almost all the talking tonight but he was thankful to her for listening. It wasn't like he had that many people around him who he could confide in. He had tried to buy her another drink but she had shaken her head, an unreadable little smile playing on her lips. In front of her on the table her second drink remained untouched. He thought he could guess why. Nina Myers hated losing control. He used to hate it too... before everything he had taken for granted had been taken away from him.
Now losing control had started to feel good... even though he knew it shouldn't. It scared him at the same time. At work everything was just as upside down as his homelife. Ever since he had decided to turn in the dirty agents he had felt himself being questioned, scrutinized and slandered by everyone from his superiors over at Division to the janitor at CTU.
Well, not everyone...
He looked over to her and caught her staring at him. She didn't look down when his eyes met hers and he stared back. What was she thinking? How many times had he wished he could read her mind? Maybe just as many times as he had wanted her in his bed?
The thought flashed through his mind before he could stop himself and he realized she could probably see it on him... How come he felt like his mind was an open book to her?
Well, at least my drunken and dirty mind, he corrected himself and finished his scotch. He thought about getting another one but she placed a hand on his arm.
"Haven't you had enough tonight, Jack? Don't you think I should drive you home?"
He looked down at his arm, her fingers squeezing lightly before she retracted her hand and more fantasies popped up in his mind. What would she do if he tried to kiss her?
The look on her face suggested to him that she might not mind...
He shook his head. No, he didn't like losing control after all so why did he put himself in this state?
To finally dare to tell her?
Another unwanted thought - a dark desire of wanting to control her... Or perhaps it was just a wish to see her lose control once. See her lose her cool facade, watch her come undone...
His last thought made him close his eyes. He should let her drive him home now.
But he didn't move and when he opened his eyes she was leaning back and watching the TV screen over the bar. The football game was over and the news was on. The sound was off but he caught a glimpse of some segment on Senator Palmer's campaign before he turned his eyes back to Nina. She watched the screen for a minute, her face unreadable, and then she looked at him. Something flashed in her eyes but then she smiled.
A seductive smile, he thought. She must know how it affects me...
He wanted another drink, needed another drink, and got the waitress' attention. Nina just looked at him when he ordered and he was starting to wonder about her silence. He realized that he had spent the entire evening discussing his failed marriage. Perhaps not the best way of letting her know what he wanted! Who was he trying to convince with all his talk about Teri and Kim? Himself?
"No more talk about me..." Only afterwards did he realize he had said it out loud.
She smiled.
His drink came and he paid. This was his last order or he would do something stupid.
Like touching her hand resting on the table next to her glass.
He downed half his drink and stretched his legs. His leg brushed against hers and suddenly his hand had moved across the table almost on its on volition.
His fingers brushed over hers and he stared down at them, wondering how she would react but not ready to look into her eyes.
Her hand didn't move away - he had known it wouldn't. Instead her fingers laced with his and he heard her sigh.
He looked up and saw her dejected expression.
"What do you want, Jack? Do you even know?"
He looked down at their hands. What did he want?
He watched their fingers moving slowly together, her thumb caressing his knuckle and his index finger sliding against her middle finger. She sighed again and squeezed his hand before letting go.
"You have talked about you wife and daughter all night, Jack. I don't think this is what you want..."
"I want you..." There, he had said it and relief mixed with regret went through his head.
She looked down, this time it seemed like she was unable to look him in the eye.
"Is this really a good idea?" she asked. "We work together and... You are married, Jack. Isn't that what you have told me all night?"
"Separated..." he corrected her. But she was right.
"You still wear your ring even though you say your marriage is over. That tells me you don't really want it to be..."
"I wear it to avoid the gossip before the divorce is final..."
"Everybody knows, Jack... You can never hide anything from people at work - which is why I don't think this is a good idea..."
He swallowed the last of his drink and slammed the glass down on the table. Why did she have to think all the time? Plan and analyze? Those were all necessary and admirable qualities in their job – but here? Couldn't she, for once, do something simply because she wanted to or felt like it? He knew she wanted him too...
"What do you want, Nina? And please don't analyze or overthink – just answer!"
She looked up but she didn't say anything.
"What do you want, Nina?" he repeated.
"Does it matter, Jack?"
"It matters... Do you want me?"
She leaned back in her chair, increasing the distance between them. Her hands resting in her lap. She didn't lower her gaze and staring back at her he saw nothing in her face that revealed what she really felt.
He should stop. Perhaps he was mistaken? He was drunk after all... He knew he was probably making a fool out of himself but he just wanted her to answer. He just wanted to know if what he had seen in her eyes lately really was what he thought it was. But she was silent.
"Is there a reason why you can't admit that you want it as bad as I do?"
His question seemed to amuse her and she gave him a superior little smirk. "You can't always get what you want, Jack..."
At first he thought she was talking about him but she was making a general comment. She looked away, staring again at the TV over the bar.
"Just admit it then... I won't ask anything more from you..."
She smiled and he knew that she, rightfully, doubted that he was telling the truth.
"So what if I want you, Jack?" Her eyes challenged him now. "Why would I let myself get hurt? Because I inevitably will... You are my boss and I'm a woman - my career will be over when it gets out... You'll go back to your wife and daughter and there will be a few remarks around the office about your little midlife crisis and how you fooled around with your co-worker and that's it... Until it starts getting uncomfortable and you ask me if I wouldn't mind transferring out of the office..."
"Dammit, Nina, just say it..." His voice was harder now as he cut her off. Her voice had sounded agitated when she talked about how it would end and he felt satisfied over finally getting some kind of reaction from her. He had driven this too far to let it go and after a moment of silence she finally answered.
"I want you..." She said it with the same control as always, her voice almost blasé and at first he didn't realize what she had said but then he was enraged. His need for her was slowly driving him crazy... Was she not affected at all? Always in control...
But then he caught the look in her eye before she looked away. Sadness and longing, and he grabbed her hand again. "Nina... "
"You know I'm not willing to risk my career." She leaned forward. "What kind of position do you think I'll be able to get after this?"
Her statement surprised him a little. "I didn't think you cared that much anymore..."
"Why would you think that?" She stared intensely at him, eager to hear his answer.
"The last year or so you just seemed content working here... I remember how you used to talk about promotion and even changing jobs but lately..."
"Maybe I found something just as important as my career, Jack" she said seriously and he stared at her, wondering what she could mean. "Or maybe I'm just a bit distracted at the moment?" She gave him a little smile and tilted her head. "I like working with you, Jack... but eventually..."
He nodded. "But why would I sabotage anything for you just because we sleep together? I need you there... You are my best agent, Nina."
She shook her head, her face determined and resolute as she pulled her hand away from his. "This is a terrible idea... and I better drive you home, Jack."
He put his face in his palms and realized he had probably blown it. Pushing her wasn't the right way to get her into his bed. Was this considered sexual harassment? A nagging thought of how things would be at the office the next day and he already felt uncomfortable.
But then he looked up at her and saw the way she looked at him and he smiled back.
So, maybe tonight wasn't the night. But soon...