Chapter 35
I rolled off the couch, cursing the mores which forced me to sleep out there night after night. I slammed my fist on the ground and then withdrrew it quickly, feeling blood well up in a self inflicted bruise. Too tired for tears, too tired to think, I flipped onto my back to gaze at the clock. The red numbers, 9:30, glared at me and I let my head rest on the shag carpeting of my living room.
I wanted to die. But, I reflected with a grim smile, such pleasures were not mine to partake of. My life was bound to others. I sat up slowly, deciding that that day would be a work day, though not in the traditional sense.
Reaching over to grab the phone, I coughed and called Dana, to let her know that I was sick and couldn't make it.
That day would be a planning day, to plot assault routes into the Dark Kingdom and with luck, vanquish Beryl once and for all. I held few illusions about the efficacy of any plans that I could come up with. Wherever in the Dark Kingdom we went, we would be vastly outnumbered by defending youma. The keystone of the plan would be to lure as many of them as possible into a trap on our side, then take advantage of the momentary disparity to launch an attack on Beryl's palace itself.
I thought about it for a moment, then scratched it. The risk involved would be immense, with the very real possibility of several senshi dying. Jumping blindly into a situation would not be ideal. What were acceptible losses to me, would not be to anyone else.
Perhaps a more conventional approach. Initial scouting followed by an attack via a less known route? Beryl had probably already liberally covered such routes in traps. Any sensible commander, and most idiotic ones would do the same.
I sighed, 'Back to the drawing board.'
Perversely, it made her feel better knowing that Ryan was punishing himself far more than she could ever. The past few nights had not been good ones, so torn had she been over the proceedings of the last couple of days.
Then Mamoru had gotten back to her, saying that Ryan had managed to guilt himself into sleeping on the couch and could barely function through the day. Staying at home had made it slightly more bearable.
A sadness marred her beautiful face. But she could not live like this forever. She supposed that she still cared for him, but the deep primal revulsion she felt at most recent revelations still haunted her thoughts. Aloud, "But why should I trust anything that Beryl says? She's more my enemy than even Jadeite."
But those thoughts triggered even deeper ones, as she questioned even why he had hired her. At some point, it occurred to her that he might have chosen her knowing full well what might happen. Her sadness turned to restrained rage "Damn you, Ryan. Damn you to hell. Damn you for all this."
She grabbed her purse and her subway card. She would visit him this time, to give him a piece of her mind. It was unlike Rei to avoid conflict. There was no reason that this time should be any different.
Twenty minutes later, she slipped the key into the lock and flung the door open. She called out, "Ryan! We need to talk."
There was no answer and she slapped herself on the head, "Of course he won't be here. He's at work. Well, he's not dodging this time."
She made her way to the living room and then stopped at what she saw. Ryan, was sprawled across the couch, in a most uncomfortable position. Rei immediately rushed to his side, her heart racing, but then calmed down to see that he was still breathing and appeared only to be sleeping.
His blond hair messily lay across his forehead over a face that seemed accustomed to dull pain. A single tear had leaked out of his eyes and worked its way down the angular contours of his face. He breathed in and out irregularly. A pen lay suspended from his hand, with a stack of papers spread out messily over the coffee tables. Plans of some sort she mused.
A cup of rapidly cooling tea sat at one edge of the table and a picture of her in the corner, so that whenever he looked up, he would be able to see her smiling face. The plans themselves were too vague to be understood, but a couple pieces caught her attention.
She looked around, as if to prevent anyone from spying on her and then picked up a particularly interesting piece written in Ryan's long, discursive hand.
'My dearest Rei-chan. I suppose I ought to start with a confession and an affirmation. I am the dark general Jadeite. I lied to you. Once. But you must understand my position. When I first got to know you, I was content to live my life in neutrality. I loved the freedom that humanity wrought upon me and I made it my personal duty to experience every instant of that. But, from the first day, you overwhelmed me with life, vivacity that I could not even conceive of. To see you, the selfless manner which you used yourself to defence humanity rather than simply enjoy it, caused me to have my first real crisis of identity. At that point, I realized that I could not allow myself to be guilty of a crime by inaction. And so I followed in your footsteps, knowing the perilous journey that I had embarked upon.
'Yet at the same time, I unconsciously started on a parallel journey. As wary as I was of Sailor Mars, I found kinship with Rei Hino. A confidant, a person I could trust, and a cherished friend. I considered myself lucky to have gotten that far. Yet, you overwhelmed me yet again, introducing to me the one thing that my life missed. You tore down the impenetrable ice that I cloaked my heart in, forced me to realize that I wanted you more than anything else in this world. Even the exquisite pain which I suffer now, is welcome, because it reminds me of the bliss we shared not days ago. I don't expect this letter to change your mind, nor do I expect you to forgive me. I can live with that. I have betrayed your trust far too much for compassion. Just know that I love you...and will until the day that I die.'
She knelt beside him, reaching out to brush away the tear which marred his features, then withdrew suddenly, from strange feelings of loathing and unworthiness. Without another word, she fled the apartment, leaving the general to his silence.
I awoke to the faintest smells of perfume. Knowing that it was merely a vain hope, I could only dream that my angel had returned to me. I spotted the cold tea on my table and then yawned. I had fallen asleep in my day clothes, and now my neatly ironed shirt had been wrinkled. I sighed and pulled it off, and padded to the bedroom to replace it with a new one from the closet. Surprisingly, the doorbell rang and I pulled it on quickly, running a comb through my hair before seeing it.
Emotional wreck I was, I could not let people see that. I looked at the mirror and a slightly disheveled executive stared back. 'About as good as it's going to get'
I coughed into my hand and walked over to open the door, half expecting Rei to be there. Thus, it was with great surprise that I saw the blonde senshi, Minako, standing there in front of me.
I covered it with a suave smile, "To what do I owe this pleasure?"
"Well, I called your office to see if you'd be up for lunch. They said you were sick. Knowing your difficulties with telling certain aspects of the truth, I came to see that for myself."
Dryly, "I'm glad that we're on such good terms."
"So I guess you're okay for lunch after all." she sounded smug.
I sighed, "Would I be able to say no?"
Before perusing the menu, I started the meal by ordering a scotch on the rocks with a twist. Minako stared at me calmly before ordering a soda.
Mockingly, "Escaping from reality?"
Darkly, "Do you have a better idea?"
"Come now, Ryan. You're part of a team now. You can't always be wallowing in your own self pity. There is so much that we can do together. We have much we can learn from each other. That's why I asked you here today."
Smoothly, "Bullshit. We both know why you asked me here."
She affected a look of shocked innocence, "What do you mean?"
"Come on, Minako-chan. I may be emotionally unstable, alcoholic, and sleep deprived. But accord me at least the same respect that you would a real enemy. You are here to gauge my reliability. Certainly not Mamoru's doing. He trusts me beyond a doubt. Not Usagi's either, for she is willing to trust Mamoru's word for it. No, I think that this is a mission you have taken on your own. What else is a leader of the senshi to do?"
Her eyes narrowed, "How did you know I was the leader of the senshi?"
"Don't insult me. You ordered the attack to capture me, you are willing to argue against Serenity's direct orders. What else would you be?"
She hammered her fist lightly onto the table, "Assuming I am, then what?"
I took my drink from the waiter and took a deep gulp, "What do you mean?"
Minako grabbed the sides of the table and thrust her face into mine, "What are your intentions? Who are you really, Jadeite?"
I responded with deadly quiet, "My intentions have been clear since the first day. I will not...cannot harm the senshi in any way."
She sat back down and glared, "I wish I could believe that."
"What reason have you not to?"
Almost hissing, "Well, you did lie to my best friend. Took her hostage once or twice....oh and tried to kill her a couple times or more! You deserve nothing more than death."
"I would like nothing more at this point. The only thing keeping from an honorable death are my obligations." I paused for a moment, "And some lingering, if unjustified hopes on my part."
Her eyes glowed, "Ah, your liason with Rei." Bitterly, "Tell me, was it good for you?"
I glared at her, "Don't mock me, Minako."
"I already am. Even the enemies I fought were not so callous as to toy with the hearts of others."
I let my voice drop to a whisper, "I did not toy with her. Accuse me of that again, and I shall strike you down where you stand, the consequences be damned."
Minako grinned in triumph, but I cut her off, "I love Rei more than life itself. And if that is what it takes to prove it. Give it your best shot."
My dagger had appeared in my hand and I held it across the table to her.
Silence reigned over the table and slowly, a genuine smile blossomed over Minako's face. "Thank you, Ryan. For proving to me what I suspected."
It was my turn for confusion, "What?"
"I trust you, Ryan. I really do now. I know that you would never willingly hurt Rei. That you would die to protect her. I just wanted you to prove it to me."
"This was a test?"
"Oh yes, in the worst possible way. I needed to make you angry, enraged somehow. If I could do that, I could prove your loyalty beyond a doubt."
I bowed my head, "I am glad that you trust me now, but that still does not help my situation. I still love her...with all my heart and soul. I doubt I can live much longer without her."
Minako half smiled at me, "The nice thing about being the senshi of love, is that I have a mild predictive ability which extends to matters such as yours. She is very much so in love with you...and I think she'll come around eventually.
"What is of greater importance is how we are to defeat Beryl. I am certain you've worked up some preliminary plans already."
I snorted, "What do you take me for? An inexperienced old codger? I've worked up details strategies, all of which I rejected."
"Why?"
I took another sip from my drink, "Casualties."
Minako tapped her long fingers together and closed her eyes, "Well, there's got to be something."
"We can nullify her advantage if we isolate her in this world. It happened to me, it can happen to her. I think I can work off that."
Her eyes flitted to mine, "What are you thinking?"
"Just be ready. I can end this war tonight."
I rolled off the couch, cursing the mores which forced me to sleep out there night after night. I slammed my fist on the ground and then withdrrew it quickly, feeling blood well up in a self inflicted bruise. Too tired for tears, too tired to think, I flipped onto my back to gaze at the clock. The red numbers, 9:30, glared at me and I let my head rest on the shag carpeting of my living room.
I wanted to die. But, I reflected with a grim smile, such pleasures were not mine to partake of. My life was bound to others. I sat up slowly, deciding that that day would be a work day, though not in the traditional sense.
Reaching over to grab the phone, I coughed and called Dana, to let her know that I was sick and couldn't make it.
That day would be a planning day, to plot assault routes into the Dark Kingdom and with luck, vanquish Beryl once and for all. I held few illusions about the efficacy of any plans that I could come up with. Wherever in the Dark Kingdom we went, we would be vastly outnumbered by defending youma. The keystone of the plan would be to lure as many of them as possible into a trap on our side, then take advantage of the momentary disparity to launch an attack on Beryl's palace itself.
I thought about it for a moment, then scratched it. The risk involved would be immense, with the very real possibility of several senshi dying. Jumping blindly into a situation would not be ideal. What were acceptible losses to me, would not be to anyone else.
Perhaps a more conventional approach. Initial scouting followed by an attack via a less known route? Beryl had probably already liberally covered such routes in traps. Any sensible commander, and most idiotic ones would do the same.
I sighed, 'Back to the drawing board.'
Perversely, it made her feel better knowing that Ryan was punishing himself far more than she could ever. The past few nights had not been good ones, so torn had she been over the proceedings of the last couple of days.
Then Mamoru had gotten back to her, saying that Ryan had managed to guilt himself into sleeping on the couch and could barely function through the day. Staying at home had made it slightly more bearable.
A sadness marred her beautiful face. But she could not live like this forever. She supposed that she still cared for him, but the deep primal revulsion she felt at most recent revelations still haunted her thoughts. Aloud, "But why should I trust anything that Beryl says? She's more my enemy than even Jadeite."
But those thoughts triggered even deeper ones, as she questioned even why he had hired her. At some point, it occurred to her that he might have chosen her knowing full well what might happen. Her sadness turned to restrained rage "Damn you, Ryan. Damn you to hell. Damn you for all this."
She grabbed her purse and her subway card. She would visit him this time, to give him a piece of her mind. It was unlike Rei to avoid conflict. There was no reason that this time should be any different.
Twenty minutes later, she slipped the key into the lock and flung the door open. She called out, "Ryan! We need to talk."
There was no answer and she slapped herself on the head, "Of course he won't be here. He's at work. Well, he's not dodging this time."
She made her way to the living room and then stopped at what she saw. Ryan, was sprawled across the couch, in a most uncomfortable position. Rei immediately rushed to his side, her heart racing, but then calmed down to see that he was still breathing and appeared only to be sleeping.
His blond hair messily lay across his forehead over a face that seemed accustomed to dull pain. A single tear had leaked out of his eyes and worked its way down the angular contours of his face. He breathed in and out irregularly. A pen lay suspended from his hand, with a stack of papers spread out messily over the coffee tables. Plans of some sort she mused.
A cup of rapidly cooling tea sat at one edge of the table and a picture of her in the corner, so that whenever he looked up, he would be able to see her smiling face. The plans themselves were too vague to be understood, but a couple pieces caught her attention.
She looked around, as if to prevent anyone from spying on her and then picked up a particularly interesting piece written in Ryan's long, discursive hand.
'My dearest Rei-chan. I suppose I ought to start with a confession and an affirmation. I am the dark general Jadeite. I lied to you. Once. But you must understand my position. When I first got to know you, I was content to live my life in neutrality. I loved the freedom that humanity wrought upon me and I made it my personal duty to experience every instant of that. But, from the first day, you overwhelmed me with life, vivacity that I could not even conceive of. To see you, the selfless manner which you used yourself to defence humanity rather than simply enjoy it, caused me to have my first real crisis of identity. At that point, I realized that I could not allow myself to be guilty of a crime by inaction. And so I followed in your footsteps, knowing the perilous journey that I had embarked upon.
'Yet at the same time, I unconsciously started on a parallel journey. As wary as I was of Sailor Mars, I found kinship with Rei Hino. A confidant, a person I could trust, and a cherished friend. I considered myself lucky to have gotten that far. Yet, you overwhelmed me yet again, introducing to me the one thing that my life missed. You tore down the impenetrable ice that I cloaked my heart in, forced me to realize that I wanted you more than anything else in this world. Even the exquisite pain which I suffer now, is welcome, because it reminds me of the bliss we shared not days ago. I don't expect this letter to change your mind, nor do I expect you to forgive me. I can live with that. I have betrayed your trust far too much for compassion. Just know that I love you...and will until the day that I die.'
She knelt beside him, reaching out to brush away the tear which marred his features, then withdrew suddenly, from strange feelings of loathing and unworthiness. Without another word, she fled the apartment, leaving the general to his silence.
I awoke to the faintest smells of perfume. Knowing that it was merely a vain hope, I could only dream that my angel had returned to me. I spotted the cold tea on my table and then yawned. I had fallen asleep in my day clothes, and now my neatly ironed shirt had been wrinkled. I sighed and pulled it off, and padded to the bedroom to replace it with a new one from the closet. Surprisingly, the doorbell rang and I pulled it on quickly, running a comb through my hair before seeing it.
Emotional wreck I was, I could not let people see that. I looked at the mirror and a slightly disheveled executive stared back. 'About as good as it's going to get'
I coughed into my hand and walked over to open the door, half expecting Rei to be there. Thus, it was with great surprise that I saw the blonde senshi, Minako, standing there in front of me.
I covered it with a suave smile, "To what do I owe this pleasure?"
"Well, I called your office to see if you'd be up for lunch. They said you were sick. Knowing your difficulties with telling certain aspects of the truth, I came to see that for myself."
Dryly, "I'm glad that we're on such good terms."
"So I guess you're okay for lunch after all." she sounded smug.
I sighed, "Would I be able to say no?"
Before perusing the menu, I started the meal by ordering a scotch on the rocks with a twist. Minako stared at me calmly before ordering a soda.
Mockingly, "Escaping from reality?"
Darkly, "Do you have a better idea?"
"Come now, Ryan. You're part of a team now. You can't always be wallowing in your own self pity. There is so much that we can do together. We have much we can learn from each other. That's why I asked you here today."
Smoothly, "Bullshit. We both know why you asked me here."
She affected a look of shocked innocence, "What do you mean?"
"Come on, Minako-chan. I may be emotionally unstable, alcoholic, and sleep deprived. But accord me at least the same respect that you would a real enemy. You are here to gauge my reliability. Certainly not Mamoru's doing. He trusts me beyond a doubt. Not Usagi's either, for she is willing to trust Mamoru's word for it. No, I think that this is a mission you have taken on your own. What else is a leader of the senshi to do?"
Her eyes narrowed, "How did you know I was the leader of the senshi?"
"Don't insult me. You ordered the attack to capture me, you are willing to argue against Serenity's direct orders. What else would you be?"
She hammered her fist lightly onto the table, "Assuming I am, then what?"
I took my drink from the waiter and took a deep gulp, "What do you mean?"
Minako grabbed the sides of the table and thrust her face into mine, "What are your intentions? Who are you really, Jadeite?"
I responded with deadly quiet, "My intentions have been clear since the first day. I will not...cannot harm the senshi in any way."
She sat back down and glared, "I wish I could believe that."
"What reason have you not to?"
Almost hissing, "Well, you did lie to my best friend. Took her hostage once or twice....oh and tried to kill her a couple times or more! You deserve nothing more than death."
"I would like nothing more at this point. The only thing keeping from an honorable death are my obligations." I paused for a moment, "And some lingering, if unjustified hopes on my part."
Her eyes glowed, "Ah, your liason with Rei." Bitterly, "Tell me, was it good for you?"
I glared at her, "Don't mock me, Minako."
"I already am. Even the enemies I fought were not so callous as to toy with the hearts of others."
I let my voice drop to a whisper, "I did not toy with her. Accuse me of that again, and I shall strike you down where you stand, the consequences be damned."
Minako grinned in triumph, but I cut her off, "I love Rei more than life itself. And if that is what it takes to prove it. Give it your best shot."
My dagger had appeared in my hand and I held it across the table to her.
Silence reigned over the table and slowly, a genuine smile blossomed over Minako's face. "Thank you, Ryan. For proving to me what I suspected."
It was my turn for confusion, "What?"
"I trust you, Ryan. I really do now. I know that you would never willingly hurt Rei. That you would die to protect her. I just wanted you to prove it to me."
"This was a test?"
"Oh yes, in the worst possible way. I needed to make you angry, enraged somehow. If I could do that, I could prove your loyalty beyond a doubt."
I bowed my head, "I am glad that you trust me now, but that still does not help my situation. I still love her...with all my heart and soul. I doubt I can live much longer without her."
Minako half smiled at me, "The nice thing about being the senshi of love, is that I have a mild predictive ability which extends to matters such as yours. She is very much so in love with you...and I think she'll come around eventually.
"What is of greater importance is how we are to defeat Beryl. I am certain you've worked up some preliminary plans already."
I snorted, "What do you take me for? An inexperienced old codger? I've worked up details strategies, all of which I rejected."
"Why?"
I took another sip from my drink, "Casualties."
Minako tapped her long fingers together and closed her eyes, "Well, there's got to be something."
"We can nullify her advantage if we isolate her in this world. It happened to me, it can happen to her. I think I can work off that."
Her eyes flitted to mine, "What are you thinking?"
"Just be ready. I can end this war tonight."