Control - Part Three
Her head hurt. A pounding headache that made her press her fingers hard against her temple and rubbing them in circles. She staggered out into the kitchen and, without turning on the lights, she opened the cabinet and brought out the bottle of aspirin.
She sighed after she had swallowed the pills down with half a glass of water and returned to the living room and the couch.
Sitting there, in the dark, felt good and maybe the pills started to work already because she was finally relaxing.
What a day. What a fucking day.
Returning to CTU she had hoped to avoid running into anyone who knew what happened but Mason had been there – and he had already been informed.
She had told him she couldn't be reached tonight. She would leave the phone off the hook and her pager and cell turned off.
Mason had seemed unusually understanding as he placed a hand on her arm and told her to go home. The report could wait until tomorrow - he would talk to Jack...
For once she hadn't challenged him, hadn't stared at him until he lowered his gaze. She saw how he enjoyed seeing her in this state. He was not able to hide his gloating over finally being able get a glimpse of weakness in her, seeing her lose her professional and cool demeanour.
The sexist pig.
But this time it was all according to plan. Anyone would have been shocked after such an experience and the real reason behind her agitation and apparent inner turmoil was easily disguised behind her pale, tired face and the false gratitude in her eyes.
She had gathered her stuff, shooting a quick glance up to Jack's dark, empty office, and then she hurried home.
The headache had started in the car and once she got home she had thrown herself onto the couch.
She hadn't thought it would affect her like this.
Of course she had been prepared to feel something... Anxiety, fear, guilt even - but in the end it was the emptiness that affected her. That scared her. She felt nothing now.
She should try and get some sleep. She had been sitting here in the dark for hours and now the headache seemed to be gone. She was just about to get up from the couch when there was a soft knock on the door.
She immediately knew who it was. Of course he would make sure she was OK.
She moved to the door to let him in.
Into her apartment. Into her bed. Into her.
The door opened and her small frame was hard to make out in the darkness of her apartment. But the faint light from the lamp in the ceiling further down the corridor lit up her pale face. Her pallor made him worried. Even more worried than he had been sitting in his car outside her apartment building, staring up at her dark windows, dialling her number again and hoping she would pick up this time. Maybe she isn't home, he had thought, but he knew he had to find out.
He had been unprepared for this: A Nina visibly shaken by the day's events. Nothing strange, any agent would have been just as upset, but he realized he had never seen her like this. She was always so coolheaded. Always in control.
She took a step back and let him in. Her gaze was fixed somewhere on his shirt - she didn't look him in the eye. She was still wearing the clothes she had worn to work and he wondered if she had even eaten anything when she got home.
"Were you sleeping?" he asked but he could see that she hadn't been. She didn't look drowsy.
She shook her head.
"Are you OK?" He reached out for her but she turned around and walked into the living room. He followed her and watched her as she turned on a small lamp in the window and another one on the table in the corner. He saw her squinting her eyes trying to get used to the lights and he wanted to hold her.
He knew all about sitting alone in dark, empty rooms...
"I'm fine, Jack"
But her delayed answer didn't reassure him one bit. He saw something else in her eyes.
Her vulnerability evoked such strong feelings in him. It made him want to take care of her, make her feel better, make her forget all about what had happened. His protective instincts mixed with his usual desire for her.
"You know there is always a risk of..." he started but she interrupted him.
"I'm just tired, Jack." Her voice was steady and she looked at him unwavering.
"You don't have to pretend with me... It's OK not to be strong all the time... What you saw today..."
She shifted and crossed her arms.
"It's not your fault, Nina. You did nothing wrong. The police made a mistake. They didn't even have him on suicide watch."
She sighed and he started wondering if there was something else troubling her or if she really just didn't want to talk about it. She looked away now, clearly annoyed.
He took a step towards her wanting desperately to comfort her but she moved away again.
"Would you like something to drink?"
He shook his head but she still disappeared into the kitchen.
Why was she shying away from his touch? Running away from him like this? Was it because of the kiss?
He had been able to touch her affectionately in the past. A hug when another case had been solved, a quick rub of her tense neck muscles when she was sitting at her desk, a hand on her arm or shoulder letting her know he knew she was tired and that he understood. She had not avoided touching him either. Over the years they had become increasingly comfortable with each other, a perfect working relationship, and he didn't want to lose what they had built up just because of a kiss...
He looked around her living room. He had been here only once before. He had dropped off some files for her and she had invited him in for coffee. He had been a little surprised by her invitation but never hesitated to come inside, even though he was on his way home. He had been sitting in her couch, a cup of coffee on the table next to the documents, and they had talked about non-work related things for the first time. It was years ago, but it was then he had started to feel closer to her.
Her apartment was small, neat and comfortable. Not much had changed in here since his last visit. No photos or personal memorabilia and this only seemed to add to the mystery that was Nina. He knew he wanted to know more about her, everything about her, but at the same time the mystery excited him.
She's been out there for quite some time, he thought and walked towards the kitchen.
In the kitchen she leaned against the counter and closed her eyes. She had to get away from Jack, his persistent talk about the day, and his importunate concern about her. It wasn't like she deserved it – or even needed it. She just wanted to forget...
But it wouldn't leave her alone and as the scene in the interrogation room replayed in her mind she realized she did feel something after all... She just didn't know what.
"I won't talk", he said finally and she turned the tape recorder off.
"Is that a promise", she said in a detached voice that made his eyes widen in surprise. He wasn't so stupid after all. He realised who she was. Fear in his eyes that made her feel powerful but a little hesitant. Perhaps he never would talk now that he knew they could get to him. Perhaps it wasn't really necessary? But it didn't matter...
"HE'S KILLING HIMSELF!"
It had not been difficult to act rattled and shocked when she screamed for the guard. Angry she had yelled at them, scowled at them demanding to know why they hadn't checked him properly when they arrested him. Didn't they understand he was likely to commit suicide? He must have hidden cyanide in his mouth...
Right after she had been disgusted. He was not the first person she had watched die. But he was the first person who died by her hands and the sounds he was making, his wild bulging eyes as the poison started working in his body, and the foam forming around his mouth made her feel sick.
So, now she knew she was capable of it - she could kill.
A part of her was horrified by herself. How and when had she transformed into this cold person? But she told herself she had done the world a service. The man was scumbag - and hadn't she done him a service too? Now he didn't have to rot away in jail, his hate growing stronger with every year as he felt his life taken away from him ...
Remind you of someone?
God, she didn't want to think about him now. But it was too late... Memories of visits to the maximum security prison as a child. A well-kept secret. Her aunt coming with her as her mother refused to even mention the name of the man who fathered her but never acknowledge her as his, at least not legally. But he had known she was his daughter. Looking into her eyes he had known. What had he seen in her when she was barely four years old that made him realize that they were kindred?
She didn't visit him many times. Her aunt passed away and she couldn't go there by herself, and besides – her father scared her too much. In spite of her youth she had been able to see how hatred had consumed him – that it was all that was left in him. With every visit he had become darker and scarier, sometimes she thought he had gone insane but he had just realized he had no way out. The last time she saw him was a couple of months after he had tried to escape. It was his final attempt to reclaim his life and his failure broke him completely. He was just out of solitary and the gunshot wound in his shoulder had almost healed. Her aunt, her father's sister, had looked at him with pity and he had been outraged. She hadn't seen him since but she knew he was still alive...
Her father. The killer. A man for hire. Strange how things seemed to run in circles.
It dawned on her how good of an agent in field ops she could have been. How successful she could have been as an undercover agent for the good side. Ironic that a talent like hers was wasted behind a desk. They didn't know what she really was capable of... She could have been just as good an agent as Jack Bauer himself.
And as if the thought of him willed him to her she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned her head and looked at him, suddenly feeling a greater respect for him – he was a killer too. More so than her...
He had killed many men, both working undercover and while he was in the Army, that much he had let her know over the years as he slowly opened up. He never revealed any details, a lot of the stuff was classified, but she knew it haunted him and that he wasn't able to talk about it with his wife. But he was still capable of loving, caring and being happy, wasn't he?
His hand was rubbing her back more intently and there was no disputing the effect his hands had on her body, she felt herself relaxing and she turned back around. Both his hands were massaging her tense muscles now and she closed her eyes, contemplating her options. It was obvious that he wanted her, seeing her like this only seemed to make him want her more. She thought she knew why – he wanted to feel needed. She knew how much he missed his family. He was not used to being alone, living alone, eating alone, sleeping alone...
She was.
She was used to it but it didn't mean she liked it and sometimes she longed for something else. So maybe this was what she needed? A normal relationship wasn't something she could have now anyway... She knew he would leave her in a heartbeat if Teri wanted him back, and she eventually would, Nina had no doubts about that. But right now Jack wanted her and it felt good to be desired.
She felt him stepping closer. He was standing behind her pressing himself against her and his hands wandered to her hips. He leaned forward and she felt his warm breath in her ear before he spoke.
"Nina... Let me in..."
They both stood perfectly still. Only his hands moved slightly as his fingers dug deeper into her hips. Then a tiny sigh escaped her lips as she found her resistance melt away.
You want this. Give him what he needs. Give yourself what you need. It's too late to go back now.
She turned slowly in his arms and looked up at him. The concern and affection in his eyes mixed with desire and she realized a short relinquishing of control was a small price to pay for feeling alive.
He mumbled her name.
It was she who kissed him this time, trying to hold on to the control just a little longer by taking the initiative now. Carefully tasting his lips, giving him permission to deepen the kiss as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He pushed himself harder against her and she felt his tongue moving against hers and her control slipping.
Let him in? She actually wished she could...