I had a brother; his name was Aidan. He was four years older and I idolized him...so much so that I would follow him anywhere. You already know that Logan and I grew up together. He was Aidan's best friend; they graduated and went off to Yale together. When you're a Barlow, you don't really have a choice. You've heard of the Cale fortune...well, it's pocket change compared to the Barlow fortune. There's a building at Yale named after our great-grandfather, so of course it was off to Yale for me too.
Aidan didn't really reject our privileged lifestyle, but he always felt the need to help others who didn't have as much. So after they graduated, while Logan was off creating Eyes Only, Aidan was starting the S1W...and obviously I got involved. In the midst of all this I managed to fall in love with the most unlikely guy. His name was Kieran...Kieran Copeland. He was my brother's roommate for all four years at Yale. Logan, Aidan, and Kieran...those guys were like the three Musketeers. Kieran and I hated each other right from the start. To him, I was just his best friend's bratty little sister. To me, he was just my brother's obnoxious friend.
By the end of my freshman year at Yale, everything had changed. We both grew up and finally recognized that all we could ever want was right there in front of us. We fell madly in love. If it had been any other guy scamming on his little sister, Aidan would have kicked his ass...but he couldn't have been happier for Kieran and I. Three years later I had graduated with a BA in World Literature, Kieran was finishing up with medical school, Logan moved away to Seattle, and Aidan had turned the S1W into something huge. Kieran had always known what my brother and I were into with the S1W, but he wasn't involved. He wanted to help people in his own way...he had decided that being a doctor was the way to do it.
Shortly after graduation, so many things started happening all at once. It was overwhelming really. Within a span of a week Aidan proposed to me, we found out I was pregnant, and I was accepted into a graduate program at La Sorbonne. I had always wanted to study in France...growing up with my mom--I guess I couldn't help it. She was French, and as long as I could remember I had been fascinated with her accent. It was like all my dreams were coming true, I was so happy. Everything was so right...even the things that were supposed to go wrong, didn't. I was expecting a war when I told my parents I was pregnant...but it was fine. Kieran so wasn't the guy a Barlow girl was supposed to spend the rest of her life with. He grew up in a single parent household, his mom was a nurse...they didn't have a lot of money. He worked his way through Yale. But my father respected that; he had gotten to know Kieran through the years because my brother would invite him home for summers and holidays. My dad thought he was a great guy, and my mom was happy as long as I was. I was 22 years old and I had it all.
It was all too perfect; I should have known it wouldn't last. A few months later, the S1W took down a major New York drug ring...so Kieran, Aidan, and I though we'd go out and celebrate all the good news. We were such stupid kids, Aidan and I...idealistic, stubborn, and invincible in our own minds. It was the best and worst night of my life all rolled into one. I don't know what made us think a couple of sheltered rich kids from California could possibly know anything about real life. But anyway, I was with two of the three men I loved most in the world...it was great. We exited the restaurant laughing our asses off, without a care in the world, all prepared to party the night away...well, as much as a woman who was 6 months pregnant could anyway.
We were standing there waiting for the valet to bring our car around when Aidan just froze. I wasn't even looking at him, but I could just feel it...we had always had this freakish ability to sense each other's feelings, we were that close. I turned around and he was ghostly pale, I could tell something had him scared shitless. I suddenly felt like I had to throw up, and it wasn't morning sickness...it was something much worse. I knew something horrible was about to happen. I caught Aidan staring at something across the street. It was a Friday night in New York City, it was crowded, but I could clearly pick out a guy who looked like he fell out of a Godfather movie.
He made some gesture to Aidan and then stared right at me. Aidan immediately pulled me into a hug and turned me around so that his body was shielding me...I wanted to cry. I knew exactly what was happening by that time. The S1W had pissed off some very dangerous people, they knew Aidan was in charge, and they knew that I was the way to get to him...destroy him by destroying what he loved the most. He hugged me so tight I was almost scared he'd hurt the baby. Then he told me that he loved me, and he was so proud of me. That's when I knew I'd never see him again. I started crying and he walked me to the car. Kieran was already in the driver's seat. Aidan put me in the passengers seat and then knelt down beside me. He told Kieran to get me out of there as fast and as far as possible. Kieran didn't understand what was happening but Aidan said he didn't have time to explain...he just told him to take care of his girls, meaning the baby and me. He tried to pull away but I wouldn't let go off his hand.
I was crying hysterically and pleading with him to get in the car. He started crying too...he never could stand to see me upset. He was pleading with me to let him go, telling me it was the only way...I knew I had to. He was doing the only thing he could to keep me safe...sacrificing himself. Finally I let him go. He kissed my hand, then my stomach, then my forehead...he told me he loved me one last time, said goodbye to Kieran, and then ran off into the night and disappeared into the crowd. By then Kieran had figured it out and did exactly what Aidan had told him...he drove away, as fast and as far as possible. It just wasn't fast or far enough.
We got as far as New Jersey before they caught up with us. We were being followed. It was early in the morning and there were very few cars on the interstate. They forced us off on an exit in the middle of nowhere. Kieran made me put my seatbelt on. We were so freaked out by what happed at the restaurant, we had forgotten to. He didn't have time to put his on...we were on a back road in the middle of nowhere running for our lives. He kept telling me he loved me and that everything would be ok, but I knew better. We had a fast car and Kieran was an excellent driver, but we couldn't shake them. Maybe if he had known the road we would have gotten away. It was so dark...a sudden sharp turn came up and there was no time to react...no time to brake. He lost control of the car, we flipped a couple of times and the last thing I saw was a tree coming at us really fast. After that there was nothing but blackness.
The next thing I knew, I was waking up and had no idea where I was. I was in a hospital. The first thing I saw was my dad's face. He was sitting in a chair beside my bed just watching me. He smiled when I opened my eyes...but all I could see was sadness in his. I wanted to say something but I couldn't...I had tubes down my throat. He said mom would be pissed because he had just convinced her to go back to the hotel to rest. I guess he could see the questions in my eyes because he told me I had been in a coma for a month. Then I started to remember what happened...Aidan, Kieran...our baby. He kissed my hand and tried to comfort me as best he could, it was the only part of me that wasn't bandaged. He called the doctor and he removed the tubes from my throat and checked my vitals. He said something, but I was still too groggy to understand. The doctor left and I tried to speak again, but my throat was too dry.
My dad gave me some water and the first thing I croaked out was "Aidan". Tears flooded his eyes and he said, "I'm sorry baby, he's gone." I knew what he was going to say, but I had held on to a tiny morsel of hope anyway. Then I asked about Kieran...he was gone too. They had pulled me from the car barely clinging on to life, but he was already dead before the paramedics ever got there. Then I asked about my baby. My dad was so choked up he almost couldn't get the words out...I had lost the baby too. The only piece of the man I loved more than breathing...the greatest possible symbol of our love, was gone too. I wanted to die. I lost it, I screamed and cried so much they had to sedate me.
My dad loved me with all his heart, just like he loved my brother. His only son was gone, he was happy I was alive, but he was devastated. He didn't blame me; I know that...I understand why he did what he did. He just couldn't bear to look at me anymore, really I understand...Aidan and I could have passed for twins...it was just too much for the old man. The next day at the hospital he came alone. He sat and talked to me for a while, and stroked my hair the way he would when I would get sick as a kid and he'd read me bedtime stories to make me feel better. When I started to get sleepy, he placed a lingering kiss on my cheek and told me how much he loved me. He left after I fell asleep, and he never spoke another word to me.
That would have killed me, if not for my mother. I understand now why he had to do it, but it still hurt like hell. But the French lady was always there for me. God I miss that woman. I was badly hurt from the accident...fractured skull, broken hip, two broken legs, a couple of fractured vertebrae, countless cuts, and they had removed my spleen. There was a possibility that I would never walk again. I couldn't stand being in that damn hospital, so my parents took me home to San Francisco. My mom never left my side. She hired the best physical therapists money could buy, and she was with me ever step of the way.
I felt like a kid again, having my mom babying me like she did. Whispering French stories in my ears as I slept to comfort me when I woke up screaming from the nightmares. My dad hadn't really abandoned me either. He used to come into my room at night when he thought I was asleep and just watch me...sometimes he'd kiss my cheek and whisper "I love you" in my ear. It took me about a year to recover...physically, that is. I always knew my mom was heartbroken by my brother's death, but I never expected her to do what she did. A few weeks after I recovered, she committed suicide. A full bottle of Xanax and half a bottle of vodka and she was gone.
In a way, I guess she felt like my father did. She couldn't help but look at me and see his face, hear him in the things I said...it was just too much for her. She knew how devastated I was...I'd lost my brother, the man I love, and my child all in one night...she couldn't stand to see me in so much pain. But she didn't think about how much it would hurt me to lose her too. I had absolutely nothing after that. When my mother died, my father just distanced himself from me more...it didn't help that I not only looked like my brother's twin, I was absolutely the spitting image of my mother. At that point I really wanted to just lie down and die, but I couldn't do that to my dad. He had cut himself off from me, but no matter what I knew he still loved me. I had nothing left...except Aidan's legacy. I moved out of the house, and resurrected the S1W in San Francisco.
My dad died right before Logan called me here to Seattle. I had no reason to stay in San Francisco anymore. They told me he died of a heart attack...I say he died of a broken heart. In his will he left everything to me...including a letter telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was for hurting me. I inherited millions. I guess you're wondering why I choose to live like this then. It's because I don't deserve it; I can't bring myself to touch it. Because of me, everyone I've ever loved is gone. If Kieran had never fallen in love with me he would still be alive. If I wasn't around, if I was never born...they wouldn't have had a way to get to Aidan, and he'd probably still be here too. If I were stronger, maybe I'd have a daughter right now. I destroy everything I touch.
Alec, I need you to understand...I like you a lot, but I can't love you. I can't love you because I can't betray Kieran's memory that way...no one could ever take his place. I can't love you because if I did, I'd lose you too...I'd only get you hurt or killed.
Aidan didn't really reject our privileged lifestyle, but he always felt the need to help others who didn't have as much. So after they graduated, while Logan was off creating Eyes Only, Aidan was starting the S1W...and obviously I got involved. In the midst of all this I managed to fall in love with the most unlikely guy. His name was Kieran...Kieran Copeland. He was my brother's roommate for all four years at Yale. Logan, Aidan, and Kieran...those guys were like the three Musketeers. Kieran and I hated each other right from the start. To him, I was just his best friend's bratty little sister. To me, he was just my brother's obnoxious friend.
By the end of my freshman year at Yale, everything had changed. We both grew up and finally recognized that all we could ever want was right there in front of us. We fell madly in love. If it had been any other guy scamming on his little sister, Aidan would have kicked his ass...but he couldn't have been happier for Kieran and I. Three years later I had graduated with a BA in World Literature, Kieran was finishing up with medical school, Logan moved away to Seattle, and Aidan had turned the S1W into something huge. Kieran had always known what my brother and I were into with the S1W, but he wasn't involved. He wanted to help people in his own way...he had decided that being a doctor was the way to do it.
Shortly after graduation, so many things started happening all at once. It was overwhelming really. Within a span of a week Aidan proposed to me, we found out I was pregnant, and I was accepted into a graduate program at La Sorbonne. I had always wanted to study in France...growing up with my mom--I guess I couldn't help it. She was French, and as long as I could remember I had been fascinated with her accent. It was like all my dreams were coming true, I was so happy. Everything was so right...even the things that were supposed to go wrong, didn't. I was expecting a war when I told my parents I was pregnant...but it was fine. Kieran so wasn't the guy a Barlow girl was supposed to spend the rest of her life with. He grew up in a single parent household, his mom was a nurse...they didn't have a lot of money. He worked his way through Yale. But my father respected that; he had gotten to know Kieran through the years because my brother would invite him home for summers and holidays. My dad thought he was a great guy, and my mom was happy as long as I was. I was 22 years old and I had it all.
It was all too perfect; I should have known it wouldn't last. A few months later, the S1W took down a major New York drug ring...so Kieran, Aidan, and I though we'd go out and celebrate all the good news. We were such stupid kids, Aidan and I...idealistic, stubborn, and invincible in our own minds. It was the best and worst night of my life all rolled into one. I don't know what made us think a couple of sheltered rich kids from California could possibly know anything about real life. But anyway, I was with two of the three men I loved most in the world...it was great. We exited the restaurant laughing our asses off, without a care in the world, all prepared to party the night away...well, as much as a woman who was 6 months pregnant could anyway.
We were standing there waiting for the valet to bring our car around when Aidan just froze. I wasn't even looking at him, but I could just feel it...we had always had this freakish ability to sense each other's feelings, we were that close. I turned around and he was ghostly pale, I could tell something had him scared shitless. I suddenly felt like I had to throw up, and it wasn't morning sickness...it was something much worse. I knew something horrible was about to happen. I caught Aidan staring at something across the street. It was a Friday night in New York City, it was crowded, but I could clearly pick out a guy who looked like he fell out of a Godfather movie.
He made some gesture to Aidan and then stared right at me. Aidan immediately pulled me into a hug and turned me around so that his body was shielding me...I wanted to cry. I knew exactly what was happening by that time. The S1W had pissed off some very dangerous people, they knew Aidan was in charge, and they knew that I was the way to get to him...destroy him by destroying what he loved the most. He hugged me so tight I was almost scared he'd hurt the baby. Then he told me that he loved me, and he was so proud of me. That's when I knew I'd never see him again. I started crying and he walked me to the car. Kieran was already in the driver's seat. Aidan put me in the passengers seat and then knelt down beside me. He told Kieran to get me out of there as fast and as far as possible. Kieran didn't understand what was happening but Aidan said he didn't have time to explain...he just told him to take care of his girls, meaning the baby and me. He tried to pull away but I wouldn't let go off his hand.
I was crying hysterically and pleading with him to get in the car. He started crying too...he never could stand to see me upset. He was pleading with me to let him go, telling me it was the only way...I knew I had to. He was doing the only thing he could to keep me safe...sacrificing himself. Finally I let him go. He kissed my hand, then my stomach, then my forehead...he told me he loved me one last time, said goodbye to Kieran, and then ran off into the night and disappeared into the crowd. By then Kieran had figured it out and did exactly what Aidan had told him...he drove away, as fast and as far as possible. It just wasn't fast or far enough.
We got as far as New Jersey before they caught up with us. We were being followed. It was early in the morning and there were very few cars on the interstate. They forced us off on an exit in the middle of nowhere. Kieran made me put my seatbelt on. We were so freaked out by what happed at the restaurant, we had forgotten to. He didn't have time to put his on...we were on a back road in the middle of nowhere running for our lives. He kept telling me he loved me and that everything would be ok, but I knew better. We had a fast car and Kieran was an excellent driver, but we couldn't shake them. Maybe if he had known the road we would have gotten away. It was so dark...a sudden sharp turn came up and there was no time to react...no time to brake. He lost control of the car, we flipped a couple of times and the last thing I saw was a tree coming at us really fast. After that there was nothing but blackness.
The next thing I knew, I was waking up and had no idea where I was. I was in a hospital. The first thing I saw was my dad's face. He was sitting in a chair beside my bed just watching me. He smiled when I opened my eyes...but all I could see was sadness in his. I wanted to say something but I couldn't...I had tubes down my throat. He said mom would be pissed because he had just convinced her to go back to the hotel to rest. I guess he could see the questions in my eyes because he told me I had been in a coma for a month. Then I started to remember what happened...Aidan, Kieran...our baby. He kissed my hand and tried to comfort me as best he could, it was the only part of me that wasn't bandaged. He called the doctor and he removed the tubes from my throat and checked my vitals. He said something, but I was still too groggy to understand. The doctor left and I tried to speak again, but my throat was too dry.
My dad gave me some water and the first thing I croaked out was "Aidan". Tears flooded his eyes and he said, "I'm sorry baby, he's gone." I knew what he was going to say, but I had held on to a tiny morsel of hope anyway. Then I asked about Kieran...he was gone too. They had pulled me from the car barely clinging on to life, but he was already dead before the paramedics ever got there. Then I asked about my baby. My dad was so choked up he almost couldn't get the words out...I had lost the baby too. The only piece of the man I loved more than breathing...the greatest possible symbol of our love, was gone too. I wanted to die. I lost it, I screamed and cried so much they had to sedate me.
My dad loved me with all his heart, just like he loved my brother. His only son was gone, he was happy I was alive, but he was devastated. He didn't blame me; I know that...I understand why he did what he did. He just couldn't bear to look at me anymore, really I understand...Aidan and I could have passed for twins...it was just too much for the old man. The next day at the hospital he came alone. He sat and talked to me for a while, and stroked my hair the way he would when I would get sick as a kid and he'd read me bedtime stories to make me feel better. When I started to get sleepy, he placed a lingering kiss on my cheek and told me how much he loved me. He left after I fell asleep, and he never spoke another word to me.
That would have killed me, if not for my mother. I understand now why he had to do it, but it still hurt like hell. But the French lady was always there for me. God I miss that woman. I was badly hurt from the accident...fractured skull, broken hip, two broken legs, a couple of fractured vertebrae, countless cuts, and they had removed my spleen. There was a possibility that I would never walk again. I couldn't stand being in that damn hospital, so my parents took me home to San Francisco. My mom never left my side. She hired the best physical therapists money could buy, and she was with me ever step of the way.
I felt like a kid again, having my mom babying me like she did. Whispering French stories in my ears as I slept to comfort me when I woke up screaming from the nightmares. My dad hadn't really abandoned me either. He used to come into my room at night when he thought I was asleep and just watch me...sometimes he'd kiss my cheek and whisper "I love you" in my ear. It took me about a year to recover...physically, that is. I always knew my mom was heartbroken by my brother's death, but I never expected her to do what she did. A few weeks after I recovered, she committed suicide. A full bottle of Xanax and half a bottle of vodka and she was gone.
In a way, I guess she felt like my father did. She couldn't help but look at me and see his face, hear him in the things I said...it was just too much for her. She knew how devastated I was...I'd lost my brother, the man I love, and my child all in one night...she couldn't stand to see me in so much pain. But she didn't think about how much it would hurt me to lose her too. I had absolutely nothing after that. When my mother died, my father just distanced himself from me more...it didn't help that I not only looked like my brother's twin, I was absolutely the spitting image of my mother. At that point I really wanted to just lie down and die, but I couldn't do that to my dad. He had cut himself off from me, but no matter what I knew he still loved me. I had nothing left...except Aidan's legacy. I moved out of the house, and resurrected the S1W in San Francisco.
My dad died right before Logan called me here to Seattle. I had no reason to stay in San Francisco anymore. They told me he died of a heart attack...I say he died of a broken heart. In his will he left everything to me...including a letter telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was for hurting me. I inherited millions. I guess you're wondering why I choose to live like this then. It's because I don't deserve it; I can't bring myself to touch it. Because of me, everyone I've ever loved is gone. If Kieran had never fallen in love with me he would still be alive. If I wasn't around, if I was never born...they wouldn't have had a way to get to Aidan, and he'd probably still be here too. If I were stronger, maybe I'd have a daughter right now. I destroy everything I touch.
Alec, I need you to understand...I like you a lot, but I can't love you. I can't love you because I can't betray Kieran's memory that way...no one could ever take his place. I can't love you because if I did, I'd lose you too...I'd only get you hurt or killed.