By the time she finished her story, she was letting out such heart
wrenching sobs. Years of pain, years of suffering, years of holding
everything in--it was just pouring out of her. She had lost all control;
the wall she had built up came tumbling down. It rocked him to the core,
every sob impacting his heart like a jackhammer to concrete...he could barely
stop himself from crying with her. Alec made a move to comfort her, but
she backed away...not wanting to be touched. He sighed and made a move to
get out of the bed when she suddenly threw her arms around his neck, nearly
bowling him over in the process. She held on to him so tightly it almost
hurt. It was as if she thought he'd disappear the minute she let him
go...but he wasn't going anywhere. He didn't know what to say to her...he
couldn't say anything. All he could do was rub her back and give her a
shoulder to cry on. Nothing could really comfort her...nothing could dull
that kind of pain. He didn't say a word until her sobs calmed down to soft
whimpers.
"Asha," he began softly, "I know it doesn't make any difference, but I'm sorry. No woman--no person should ever have to experience what you have. You've experienced more pain in one night than most people will in a lifetime. I couldn't even begin to understand how you feel, and I don't mean to diminish what you've gone through—what you're still going through...but I know what it's like to lose your first love. But that doesn't mean you should never love again." She started to say something but he stopped her. "What happened wasn't your fault," he continued, lifting her chin to look her in the eye, "There was no way you could have known what was going to happen and there was nothing you could have done to stop it. Do you really think they would blame you? Your brother loved you, your fiancée loved you...they gave their lives for you. They wanted you to live, Asha. You're alive in the scientific sense, but you're dead inside. Do you really think they'd be happy with that?" He didn't wait for an answer before continuing, "You can't see the sun for the clouds you've cocooned yourself in. Look at the world we live in...you've got to believe they're in a better place. Aidan, your mother, your father, Kieran, your baby...if they could see you now it would break their hearts."
Finally he allowed her to speak. He wished he had shut up when he saw the sadness in her eyes. "It just hurts so much," she said softly, "I always thought it was just a figure of speech...I never thought emotional pain could really have a physical manifestation, but it does. I feel nothing but a constant ache in my chest all day every day...sometimes it gets to be too much; sometimes it hurts so much I literally can't breathe. If it wasn't my fault, why does it feel so bad?" Her eyes pleaded with him to give her the answer...she looked at him as if he knew everything. "It's always going to hurt if you keep blaming yourself. If you don't let go, let yourself live...it's going to consume you Asha, it's going to kill you," he said, "I don't want to see that happen." "Maybe that's what I want," she replied. "No you don't. If you really wanted to die you would have done it long ago...you would have never come out of that coma. What you want is to suffer because you think you need to pay for what happened. You wallow in pain because you think it was all your fault and it wasn't. When are you going to get that through your stubborn assed head?" he said, flashing her his trademark smirk.
He was relieved when the corners of her mouth turned up slightly. Cupping her face in his hands gently, he got serious again. "You've got to let go. Please...let go. I don't want you to do it for me, don't do it for them either...do it for you," he said, looking her straight in the eye. "I don't know if I can. I don't know how," she said with a sigh, breaking eye contact. "I wish I could give you the answer but I can't. Only you can do that," he said, "You said you can't love me. I understand and I'll respect that. You can push me away all you want Asha, but I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me whether you like it or not. I can't be your lover, but I'm damn sure going to be your friend. This is your battle, but if you need anything I'll be there. As much as I want to I can't magically take your pain away, I can't experience it for you, I can't promise you the world, hell...I can't even promise you tomorrow. But there's one thing I can promise...I can promise you that I'll love you forever. You can't love me now, but hopefully one day you'll let yourself be happy...and if I'm lucky, I'll be the guy who gives you that happiness."
With that he got out of bed and got dressed. He turned to leave, but came back over to the bed and kissed her. He said no words, but the kiss told her everything she needed to know...it was full of passion, hope, support, love. He left after that, leaving her stunned...with a head full of thoughts and a lot of personal demons to exorcise. She got up to take a shower. She stood there with her eyes closed tightly, letting the water pelt her face and wash over her body, easing her aching muscles. All the thoughts in her head were giving her a headache. She got out of the shower and dried off...the water was getting cold anyway. She popped two aspirin before dropping her towel and crawling back into bed. As she curled herself around a pillow she noticed that it smelled like Alec. She inhaled deeply, dedicating the intoxicating scent to memory. It had been such a long time since she'd had the scent of a man lingering on her bed sheets. A tear slid down her cheek as she thought about the many nights she'd spent inhaling Keiran's scent...on their sheets while lying in bed, or draped in one of his shirts—or while being held in his arms. "Oh Kieran, baby, if you can hear me—if you're watching me...please tell me what to do. I need a sign or something, ok?" she whispered into the air. She drifted off to sleep hoping things would get a little clearer.
She awoke hours later only to find that her head was pounding even worse than before, and her thoughts weren't any clearer. She'd been down this road before. It was decision time and she didn't want to choose. She could choose to let go of the past and let Alec in, or she could continue to run like she had been doing for so many years. She had to do something; she knew she'd never figure it out by sulking in her apartment in Seattle. She grabbed the phone and quickly dialed a number. "Hey Steven? It's Asha, I need a favor," she began, speaking to one of her S1W contacts, "Do you think you could score me some sector passes and a train ticket to New York?" She knew he'd agree to it before she even asked. He had thing for her...he was a great guy and all, but totally not her type. 'He's definitely no Alec' she thought to herself as she packed. No Alec? She couldn't believe that thought had even crossed her mind. Yeah, it was definitely time for her to go.
Steven said he could get her what she needed within three hours, so she took that time to pack. She could have easily gone to Logan for this, but she didn't want him to know where she was going. He would either want to come with her, or he'd tell Alec where she was, and she didn't need any distractions. She didn't want any moral support; she didn't want friendship...she just wanted to be alone with her thoughts. She finished packing and scribbled a quick note telling Logan and Alec not to worry about her and that she'd be fine. By the time she was done, Steven was knocking at the door. She quickly grabber her bags and a couple of books and she was on her way.
TBC...
"Asha," he began softly, "I know it doesn't make any difference, but I'm sorry. No woman--no person should ever have to experience what you have. You've experienced more pain in one night than most people will in a lifetime. I couldn't even begin to understand how you feel, and I don't mean to diminish what you've gone through—what you're still going through...but I know what it's like to lose your first love. But that doesn't mean you should never love again." She started to say something but he stopped her. "What happened wasn't your fault," he continued, lifting her chin to look her in the eye, "There was no way you could have known what was going to happen and there was nothing you could have done to stop it. Do you really think they would blame you? Your brother loved you, your fiancée loved you...they gave their lives for you. They wanted you to live, Asha. You're alive in the scientific sense, but you're dead inside. Do you really think they'd be happy with that?" He didn't wait for an answer before continuing, "You can't see the sun for the clouds you've cocooned yourself in. Look at the world we live in...you've got to believe they're in a better place. Aidan, your mother, your father, Kieran, your baby...if they could see you now it would break their hearts."
Finally he allowed her to speak. He wished he had shut up when he saw the sadness in her eyes. "It just hurts so much," she said softly, "I always thought it was just a figure of speech...I never thought emotional pain could really have a physical manifestation, but it does. I feel nothing but a constant ache in my chest all day every day...sometimes it gets to be too much; sometimes it hurts so much I literally can't breathe. If it wasn't my fault, why does it feel so bad?" Her eyes pleaded with him to give her the answer...she looked at him as if he knew everything. "It's always going to hurt if you keep blaming yourself. If you don't let go, let yourself live...it's going to consume you Asha, it's going to kill you," he said, "I don't want to see that happen." "Maybe that's what I want," she replied. "No you don't. If you really wanted to die you would have done it long ago...you would have never come out of that coma. What you want is to suffer because you think you need to pay for what happened. You wallow in pain because you think it was all your fault and it wasn't. When are you going to get that through your stubborn assed head?" he said, flashing her his trademark smirk.
He was relieved when the corners of her mouth turned up slightly. Cupping her face in his hands gently, he got serious again. "You've got to let go. Please...let go. I don't want you to do it for me, don't do it for them either...do it for you," he said, looking her straight in the eye. "I don't know if I can. I don't know how," she said with a sigh, breaking eye contact. "I wish I could give you the answer but I can't. Only you can do that," he said, "You said you can't love me. I understand and I'll respect that. You can push me away all you want Asha, but I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me whether you like it or not. I can't be your lover, but I'm damn sure going to be your friend. This is your battle, but if you need anything I'll be there. As much as I want to I can't magically take your pain away, I can't experience it for you, I can't promise you the world, hell...I can't even promise you tomorrow. But there's one thing I can promise...I can promise you that I'll love you forever. You can't love me now, but hopefully one day you'll let yourself be happy...and if I'm lucky, I'll be the guy who gives you that happiness."
With that he got out of bed and got dressed. He turned to leave, but came back over to the bed and kissed her. He said no words, but the kiss told her everything she needed to know...it was full of passion, hope, support, love. He left after that, leaving her stunned...with a head full of thoughts and a lot of personal demons to exorcise. She got up to take a shower. She stood there with her eyes closed tightly, letting the water pelt her face and wash over her body, easing her aching muscles. All the thoughts in her head were giving her a headache. She got out of the shower and dried off...the water was getting cold anyway. She popped two aspirin before dropping her towel and crawling back into bed. As she curled herself around a pillow she noticed that it smelled like Alec. She inhaled deeply, dedicating the intoxicating scent to memory. It had been such a long time since she'd had the scent of a man lingering on her bed sheets. A tear slid down her cheek as she thought about the many nights she'd spent inhaling Keiran's scent...on their sheets while lying in bed, or draped in one of his shirts—or while being held in his arms. "Oh Kieran, baby, if you can hear me—if you're watching me...please tell me what to do. I need a sign or something, ok?" she whispered into the air. She drifted off to sleep hoping things would get a little clearer.
She awoke hours later only to find that her head was pounding even worse than before, and her thoughts weren't any clearer. She'd been down this road before. It was decision time and she didn't want to choose. She could choose to let go of the past and let Alec in, or she could continue to run like she had been doing for so many years. She had to do something; she knew she'd never figure it out by sulking in her apartment in Seattle. She grabbed the phone and quickly dialed a number. "Hey Steven? It's Asha, I need a favor," she began, speaking to one of her S1W contacts, "Do you think you could score me some sector passes and a train ticket to New York?" She knew he'd agree to it before she even asked. He had thing for her...he was a great guy and all, but totally not her type. 'He's definitely no Alec' she thought to herself as she packed. No Alec? She couldn't believe that thought had even crossed her mind. Yeah, it was definitely time for her to go.
Steven said he could get her what she needed within three hours, so she took that time to pack. She could have easily gone to Logan for this, but she didn't want him to know where she was going. He would either want to come with her, or he'd tell Alec where she was, and she didn't need any distractions. She didn't want any moral support; she didn't want friendship...she just wanted to be alone with her thoughts. She finished packing and scribbled a quick note telling Logan and Alec not to worry about her and that she'd be fine. By the time she was done, Steven was knocking at the door. She quickly grabber her bags and a couple of books and she was on her way.
TBC...