The sound of light tapping on the door pulled Asha out of her daze. She had been lying there for over an hour, stuck in that gray area between awake and asleep. She smiled softly as Cheryl peeked her head in the door. "Hey, sorry to wake you. How's your head?" Cheryl asked as she stepped in. Asha sat up, giving Cheryl room to have a seat on the bed beside her. "I wasn't really asleep. My head feels much better," Asha replied, rolling her head to relieve the stiffness in her neck. "What's that?" she asked, catching sight of something Cheryl was holding. "Oh, this? It's yours," she replied, handing it to Asha. It was a large photo album. Asha rubbed her eyes like a sleepy child before flipping through it.
She was a little stunned...she had forgotten those pictures even existed. The first was a picture of her with Kieran, Aidan, and Logan at their graduation party. She was standing beside Kieran and he had his arm around her waist. They weren't dating yet, but it was when things had first begun to change between them. As she flipped through the book, so many memories came flooding back. There were pictures of her parents, of Cheryl, of her when she was pregnant...way too many of her and Kieran kissing. She stopped on one in particular. It was one of her and Kieran a few weeks before the accident. They had just moved into their new apartment. It was taken the day that Aidan and her parents had come over to decorate the nursery. Her parents had already gone and only Kieran, Aidan, and she remained. Aidan was the one who had taken the picture of the two of them curled up on the sofa together, Aidan's lips pressed to her swollen belly. There were pictures Kieran had taken of her sleeping, and ones she had taken of him in his scrubs...and some she was more than a little embarrassed about his mother seeing. For a brief moment she wondered if Cheryl had watched any of those video tapes they...'don't even go there Asha' she thought to herself.
The last one in the book was her sonogram picture. She hadn't even noticed she was crying until she felt Cheryl wiping the tears away. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have sprung this on you like that...it's too much," Cheryl said softly. "No, it's just...too many memories. I'm glad you showed it to me though. Where...how..." Asha said shakily, unable to find the words to finish her question. "After your parents took you back to San Francisco I had to clean out your apartment. I put the furniture in storage, but I couldn't keep up with the fees so the company sold it. I packed all the important things up...your pictures, jewelry, clothes, all the baby's things...I didn't know how you felt about that so I kept it," Cheryl said quietly, "Everything is in the closet, I'm going to leave you alone now. Breakfast is in the kitchen if you're hungry." Asha was fighting too many emotions to speak. Cheryl gave her hand a squeeze before she left the room.
Asha sighed heavily. It was like the world was caving in on her all over again. Too many memories, too many emotions, too many issues to deal with. She felt like running again...taking off and going to some other city, somewhere where she could forget about everything and just start over. She knew better though. There was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. If she ran it would always follow her. She decided it was now or never, so she got out of bed, threw on some sweat pants, and pulled all the boxes out of the closet. Pulling her hair back into a ponytail, she sat down on the floor...and with trembling hands and an ache in her heart, she opened the first box. It was going to be a long day.
Cheryl was starting to get worried. Asha hadn't left that room all day. It was close to nine o'clock at night and she hadn't even eaten anything. She wanted to give Asha space and time to deal with everything, but she was still a mother...and as such she had to satisfy her need to take care of the person she considered one of her own. She made a sandwich and took it in to Asha. "You're too tiny to not eat all day. I made you a sandwich," she said, settling herself on the floor beside Asha. Asha was working on going through the last box...the baby's things. She was holding a tiny green dress in her hands. It took Asha a minute to respond. Cheryl could tell she was angry and hurt. Her normally crystal blue eyes were clouded by pain and sadness. "Thanks Cheryl, but I'm feeling a little sick to my stomach right now," Asha said, sniffling and angrily wiping her swollen and red rimmed eyes with the back of her hand.
Cheryl sighed and sat the plate down. "I know how you feel," she began, "It's ok to be angry. You should be. You lost your child...it's wrong, and it hurts, and it makes you feel helpless and weak because you couldn't do anything to change it. I know. I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't feel that way...but don't drown in it, don't let it consume you." Sitting there looking at all those things...the toys, the baby clothes with the tags still on them. She felt like she was going to throw up...and she wished that it would be that easy to purge all the things she was feeling. She hugged her knees to her chest and rested her head on them, facing Cheryl. "How am I supposed to let this go?" she asked softly, holding up a tiny hat, "How am I supposed to just forget about this...him...us...everything we had and just move on like nothing ever happened?"
"You're not. You're never going to forget...you'd be something less than human if you could," Cheryl said, "but that doesn't mean you should spend the rest of your life longing for something you can never have. This Alec guy, he obviously makes you feel something pretty good or else you wouldn't be here. Think about that feeling and ask yourself if you're willing to just let that go and wallow in all this pain instead." Asha didn't say anything. There was no response she could come up with that would have made any sense. She just felt so wrong...like she was betraying Kieran by having more than just friendly feelings for Alec. She remembered how she had promised him she'd be his forever, how she'd so willingly given herself over to him so many times before. How could she ever feel that for another man? How could she ever let another man touch her like that?
She whimpered and Cheryl placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You have a big heart babe. Kieran's always going to be in there, but I'm sure there's enough room for someone else too. You're over thinking things," she said as if she could read Asha's mind, "To love someone else...it wouldn't replace him, it wouldn't make you forget about him. It's not about him at all really. It's about you and your happiness. Not that you need a man to be happy...but how are you going to feel if you pass up the opportunity to share your life with someone you really care for?" With that Cheryl stood and headed towards the door, leaving Asha to sort out her feelings. "And Asha Veronique Barlow, that sandwich better be gone by the time I come back!" she yelled from the other side of the door.
Asha stood and stretched. She winced as her muscles screamed out and her bones cracked painfully. Sitting on a hardwood floor for more than eight hours was definitely a bad idea. Sitting on the bed, she picked up the plate and took a bite of the sandwich. As emotionally draining as being there was, she was sure going to miss the food.
Two weeks later Cheryl came home and found Asha packing. "Trying to make a clean getaway?" she asked as she walked into the bedroom. Asha was slightly startled by the unexpected interruption, but smiled when she saw who it was. She wasn't expecting Cheryl for several more hours. "Yeah, I was hoping to avoid the awkward goodbye," Asha said, sitting down on the bed. "Well I'm glad I came home early then. There's one more thing I need to give you," Cheryl said. She left and shortly returned with something in her hand. Sitting beside Asha, she handed the item over to her. It was a small jewelry box. Asha opened it and gasped. "My engagement ring," she whispered shakily, "I thought I'd lost it. How did you get it?" Her eyes were clouded with confusion.
"There was no way for you to know, but when the paramedics pulled you out of the car...Kieran was holding your hand. I guess he was still conscious for a few moments and he grabbed your hand. His way of saying goodbye to you I guess. That ring was always too big for you. So when they pulled you out it fell off. When I came to identify him and get his personal belongings it was in the bag," she said with a trembling voice. She pulled the ring out of the box; it was hanging on a thin gold chain. Asha lifted her hair and allowed Cheryl to put it around her neck. Tears flooded her eyes as she fingered the ring, but she smiled as she read the engraving: 'my immortal love'.
She hadn't thought about those words in five years. Kieran always told her she thought so much she missed the smallest, most beautiful things in life. 'Take your brain out of overdrive for a second and just look...see what's right in front of you' he used to say as he held her in his arms on the balcony of their apartment. She realized she had been missing the smallest things for five years now. She had been beating herself up and wallowing in his death rather that celebrating what they had when he was alive. He was right; the love they share didn't disappear just because he died...it never would. Nothing could ever take that away from them...not death, and not a new man in her life. Alec could never replace Kieran in her heart. She knew she was doing the right thing.
Asha finished packing and sighed as she realized she had to say goodbye to Cheryl. Cheryl helped her drag her bags to the front door. "Ok, let's get this over with before I lose it," Asha said. Cheryl laughed; she had been thinking the same thing. "Well, we both knew it was coming. You can't stay here hiding forever," she said. "Are you sure I can't stay here forever?" Asha asked. "You know I'd love to have you, but I can't be selfish and keep you all to myself. There are people who need you in Seattle, and one person I'm pretty sure loves you more than you know," Cheryl said with a smile. Asha dropped her bags and hugged Cheryl long and hard. Despite everything that had happened, Cheryl still treated her like a daughter and Asha appreciated that more than she could ever express in words. "Good luck sweetie, and don't let another five years go by before I hear from you again," Cheryl said, kissing Asha on the cheek. Asha smiled and picked up her bags. She turned to head out the door but stopped. "Hey, if things work out with Alec and we have kids one day, I'd like them to have a grandmother...and I can't think of a better choice than you. Are you up for the job?" Asha said. "Absolutely, and I'm going to hold you to it," Cheryl replied with tears in her eyes.
As Asha walked outside she noticed how bright and sunny it was. It wouldn't have been anything special to someone else, but to her it was one of the most beautiful things she'd ever seen. After feeling like she had been trapped in the dark for so long...it was amazing to feel the sun shining on her face and hear the birds chirping. It was like she was seeing things with new eyes...like she was a different person. She finally felt like she was ready to get on with her life. She had been a zombie for five years; she had been running on autopilot. For the first time in five years she actually felt like she had a future ahead of her...she finally felt free. But before she could head back to Seattle, there was just one last thing she needed to do.
TBC...