There are a lot of ifs in my life. A lot of them. And some of them are miniscule, too tiny to matter. But some...some are huge. Some are the biggest, the ones that keep me up at night, the ones that bring me to tears.
If.
If I could bring him back...
Because when I look at Remus, I see that if, the one that's written in capital letters and plastered across a billboard taking up every inch of space in my head, that if is reflected in his eyes. If Sirius were back. If I could bring him back. If...
If I could bring him back, Remus wouldn't look so haunted. If I could bring him back, I wouldn't hear him call out his lover's name in his sleep. I know he does it, I've spent enough nights in his bed. If I could bring Sirius back, then I could make Remus happy. I could save him. I could rescue him, he wouldn't feel lost anymore. He wouldn't feel like he has no place. That everything's just so hard, too hard, unbearably hard...
The big if has been torturing me. It's been distracting me. Because I can't bring him back. But there is something I can do...I know I can, because I've practiced it. It's not hard, I look enough like the Black family that it would only take a few minor changes to the face. The anatomy is more difficult, but I've mastered that. All that's left to find is the will. And that's not hard, either. I would do anything for this man. I would walk through the very fires of Hell and duel with the Devil himself if that's what he wanted me to do. I would sacrifice everything I had, my very soul, if just for one moment I could see the smile on his face and the way his eyes crinkle at the corners when he laughs. Because that's what love is. That's what he is to me.
He'd know it wasn't real, of course, because we both know that nothing anyone can do would really bring him back from the Veil. But maybe...it could be real for a night. We could both pretend, and he could say everything he's been keeping inside and finally make his peace. He could say goodbye. And for a night, he could make love to Sirius again and I could see that smile. I could see that love that I saw whenever I saw them together. And he could, too. If I did this, if I went to him, in this form, he could have that love again.
I'd stay like that forever, if he asked me to.
If I brought him back.
If...