Chapter Three—The Three Broomsticks
Minerva walked into the Three Broomsticks and sat down at a table. She suddenly felt a hand on her back.
"Hello, Minerva. You have a…very soft back….." She turned around.
"Severus, please take your hand off my back."
"Oh my god!!!! I….I touched a woman? I'm afraid of human contact!" Minerva rolled her eyes.
"Just sit down, Severus." Madam Rosmerta came over.
"Hello, Minerva. What would you like?"
"I'll have a rum and coke."
"And you, Severus?"
"I'll have four vodkas."
"Four?"
"I'm a hardcore alcoholic."
"All right…."
"No! Wait! I'll have a butterbeer. I would never drink….no, wait…um…oh….er….." Minerva sighed.
"Just get him a rum and coke, too."
"Fine." She left.
"So, Severus….did you ever get that CD?"
"No, I was too busy carving swear words into my arm with a paper clip. I kind of forgot."
"Severus, that's incredibly disturbing."
"Not as disturbing as the horrible, abusive things my parents did to me when I was young….want to hear about them?"
"No, Severus, I really don't."
"Want to go have sex?"
"No, Severus. I don't want to have sex with you…if you have something important to say, say it now, and if you don't then go bother somebody else."
"You…bitch….I'll sic the Dark Lord on you if you treat me with such impudence….." Severus burst into tears. "Minerva, I'm fragile, I'm damaged, I'm broken….a few harsh words and I'll crumble, Minerva, I'll crumble…." She nervously patted him on the back.
"There there, Severus."
"Do you like my robes? They're only the finest silk….fine materials for a fine man, that's what I always say."
"They're very nice, Severus."
"Of course, they're not as great as my Nine Inch Nails T-shirt…oh, and my leather pants, I forgot the leather pants!"
"Well, Severus, why don't you just run back to the castle and put them on?"
"Oh, Minerva, I'm enjoying your wonderful company far too much…your intoxicating scent…." He sniffed her hair.
"Severus, please don't do that. You're acting very strange, Severus, and I-"
"LUCIUS!!!!" Minerva turned around to see that Lucius Malfoy had entered the Three Broomsticks. Severus stood up and hugged him.
"Hello, Lucius. Been a long time since the last orgy, huh?"
"Yes, we must have another one soon…who's the lady, Severus? And may I rape her?"
"NO, LUCIUS, YOU MAY NOT RAPE ME!"
"God, sorry I asked. Hey, Severus, where's Draco? I need to beat/rape/psychologically abuse him…"
"I hate you…you ruined my life….."
"Yes, yes, come on, Severus, I don't have all day here. If you want to have sex in the Shrieking Shack, we have to make sure that nobody's in there first."
"Oh, can't we just do it in my apartment this time? There's something nice about a bed…."
"Snap out of it, Severus."
"Right. The chains are there. Of course." They left together. Madam Rosmerta brought the drinks.
"Oh, looks like he left…."
"It's all right. I'll drink both of them."