All righty, LadyVoldything. You get your damn request. Requests plural, actually.
Minerva turned left out of her classroom and bumped into Remus and Sirius making out.
"Sirius? You're dead!" They stopped kissing.
"Oh, hey, Minerva. Well, I'm not really dead."
"How is that possible?"
"Well, it's really convoluted and involes some kind of spo0o0o0kie netherworld beyond a curtain. But that's really not important."
"Well, Sirius...I really ought to inform Harry..." Remus looked affronted.
"That greedy little bastard...I won't let him interfere with my widdle Paddy!"
"Sorry, Minerva. We can't let Harry know I'm alive."
"Why not?"
"That's not important."
"It's very important!"
"Trust me on this one...it's not important."
"Minerva, I have to keep this little manwhore away from pretty much every other wizard in the world. I've been doing this pretty much my entire life...he's banged James, Severus, Bellatrix, Narcissa, Hermione..."
"Hey, Moony, Hermione was a threesome, remember? And we've both had our turns with Sevvie. Let's not be a hypocrite, sweetie pumpkins."
"Oh. Right." Minerva rubbed her temples.
"Listen, Sirius, I'm very glad you're alive, but...could you just leave me alone?" She marched down the hallway, leaving Remus and Sirius to bitch-slap each other. "God...who hasn't Hermione slept with?"
"She hasn't slept with me."
"Me neither." Minerva whipped around to see Fred and George standing behind her.
"Oh, I'm so glad that neither of you boys--"
"Yeah, we're pretty much occupied."
"With each other."
"Wait...what?"
"Professor, George and I have a very healthy sexual relationship."
"Healthy? You're...identical twins!"
"It's like making love to yourself, Professor. Pure, narcissistic pleasure."
"Oh...God...I hate my life..."