"What the hell? Just…..what the hell? I'm probably asleep. There's no way I'm awake for any of this. But….no! I am awake! It's just…..I need to go down to the pond. Clear my head. Yes. That's it." She opened the door and to her horror found that Severus was waiting outside for her. "Oh, damn….."
"Minerva, y'know, I was thinking…..we shouldn't just have a poetry fest, we should have…..a talent show!"
"Oh. Great. Fantastic idea, Severus. And while at it, let's play Truth or Dare and set up a schoolwide chat room!"
"Wow, those are some great ideas! Anyways, I need to show off my mad singing skillz." He took a deep breath. "CRRRAAAAAAWWWLLLLLIINNNNGGGG IIIIIIIIIIN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNN, THESE WOOOOOOOUNDS, THEY WILLLLLLLLL NOT HEAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL….aren't I great?"
"Severus, that's not singing, that's just……bad."
"And I hear Dumbledore can play the bagpipes like nobody's business."
"Severus, go practice your horrid screaming in the dungeons where nobody can hear you. I, for one, am going for a walk."
After the incident with Severus, Minerva made it to the pond without any problems, only to find that Sirius and Remus were lying on the grass making out.
"Ooooooh, Moony, give me some of that hot werewolf love!"
"Lick me like a dog, Padfoot! Lick me!" Minerva sighed.
"Oh, get a room, you two." They stopped kissing. Sirius stood up.
"Minerva, you horrible bigot! Can't you accept alternate ways of life? Moony and I didn't choose to love each other, we just….just………wow, Minerva, you have niiiiiice boobies." Remus stood up and bitch-slapped Sirius.
"Sirius! You love only meeeeee, remember? We're the only vaguely canon slash, so we have to set an example!" Sirius glared at Remus.
"Hey, Moony, I hear that the mooooooon's gonna be niiiiiiiice and full tonight……….too bad you've got a horrible condition………it's really unfortunate that's you're a….."
"Don't say it, Sirius!"
"WEREWOLF!" Remus started to sob.
"Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?"
"I'm sorry, Moony. I know how…..fragile and emotionally scarred you are…….oh, kiss me hard, you hot sexy freak of nature you."
"It's all right, Sirius. I'm all right now…hey, can I cover your body in chocolate and lick it off?"
"Only if we can do it in the Shrieking Shack and then we can do it…well, doggy-style, I guess."
"It's a deal! Now, show me show me show me how you do that trick!"
"You mean the one with the chocolate? I told you, not until we get to the Shrieking Shack!"
"Never mind, I'm just quoting The Cure."
"Why the hell would you do that?"
"The author likes 80's music, I guess. Just roll with it, puppy dog." They started making out again. Minerva sat down on the grass as far away as she could from Sirius and Remus. She closed her eyes.
"Okay, okay, okay…Sirius is still alive, and he's bisexual or something, and Remus has a chocolate fetish and likes pop music sung by British guys in too much makeup…..dear God, what could happen next?"
"Something……eeeeeeeeevil?" She opened her eyes and realized that Voldemort was standing right next to her.