Minerva jumped up.  "Oh…oh…oh…what are you doing here?  How did you…what…how…"

            "I am searching…for someone…searching…"

            "I will protect Harry Potter to the death!"

            "Not him, dammit!  I'm looking for that Weasley girl!"

            "Guh…Ginny?"

            "Yeah, her.  GINNEEEEE????  WHERE ARE YOU????  COME TO PAPA TOM, GINNY!"  Ginny waltzed into sight, wearing a tube top and a mini skirt with high heels.

            "Ginny?  Why are you dressed like that?"  Ginny grinned.

            "Hermione's been teaching me how to bring all the boys to the yard!"

            "Well, that does appear to be one of her skills…what am I saying?  Run, girls!  It's You-Know-Who!"  Ginny gasped.

            "Tommy!"  She ran over and gave Voldemort a hug.  "I'm so glad that you finally realized how much you love me!"

            "Ginny, would you like to become the Eeeeevil Death Mistress of Voldemort?"

            "Would I ever, Voldiekins!"  Minerva's jaw dropped open.

            "Ginny?  But…Ginny?"

            "It sure beats Michael Corner."  Voldemort pushed Ginny away.

            "Well, now that that's been taken care of…where's Potter?"

            "Never!  Sirius!  Remus!  Stop licking each other and get over here!"  Sirius and Remus rushed over to Minerva and Voldemort. 

            "Voldemort!" gasped Sirius.

            "Voldemort!" gasped Remus.

            "Yeah, that's right…I'm back with a vengeance, bitches."

            "Where are all your Death Eaters, Voldemort?  Huh?  Huh?  Aren't I ever so cocky and in-your-face?"  Sirius whipped his wand out.

            "I'll have you know that my Death Eaters…well, uh…wait, who are my Death Eaters again?  There's Bellatrix, and Lucius, and MacNair, and…uh…Rudolph or something…never mind!  They're otherwise occupied!  This is something…I must do alone.  But first…" He pointed his wand at Sirius, who was busy staring at Minerva's breasts.  "Avada Kedavra!"  Sirius gasped and fell backwards into the pond.  Remus started to sob.

            "Noooo!!!!!  Sirius!  Sirius!  Why, God, why?  I'm going to plunge into a horrible spiral of drinking and self-mutilation and stop taking my Wolfsbane Potion just…because!  SIRI—hey, wait, we never actually saw him die…so he's not dead!  Yaaaayyy!!!!!  I've got to go write some fanfiction until he swims back up!"  Remus ran back into the castle.  Minerva started to yell at the top of her lungs.

            "It's You-Know-Who!  He's here at Hogwarts!  Everybody help!"  Dumbledore ran out.

            "Tom Riddle."

            "Dumbledore."

            "Oh, you poor misguided thing…give me a hug, Tom."  Voldemort fell into Dumbledore's arms and started to cry.

            "Muh-my…daddy…never loved me!  I never felt the love of family!  I was horribly beaten at the orphanage.  When I asked for more gruel they laughed in my—wait, that's an overstuffed book about homeless British kids.  This is an overstuffed series about magical British kids.  Dammit, I'm getting senile."

            "Tommy, put down your wand and let's all sing 'Imagine' together."  Voldemort jumped back.

            "Hell no!  I'm pure evil, biotch!  Where's that Potter kid, anyways?"  Dumbledore pulled his wand out.

            "I will never allow it, Tom."

            "Why do you keep calling me Tom?"

            "Eh, nostalgia."  Minerva sighed.

            "Is this going somewhere?  We need to protect Hogwarts!"  Severus ran out of the castle.

            "Minnie!  I'm here to protect you!"

            "Severus, I don't need protection, and if you call me Minnie again I'll Avada Kedavra your bony ass."

            "Damn, that was sexy.  Anyways…Dark Lord!  You will never prevail!  I've been spying on you, and I know your greatest weakness!"

            "You've been spying on me?  How?"

            "Uh…uh…I just kinda have, okay!  We don't need to get into it!  It doesn't matter, because I know how to subdue you!"

            "I doubt that…" Severus pointed his wand at Voldemort.

            "Ticklerinium Ticklerionia!!!"  Voldmort collapsed to the ground and started giggling.

            "Heeheeheeheehee!!!!!"  Severus grinned at Minerva.

            "So…Minerva…aren't you impressed?"

            "It's more impressive than your singing, I've got to admit."  Suddenly, Minerva heard a wild yell behind her.

            "LET ME AT HIM!  LET ME AT HIM!  LET ME AT HIM!!!!!!"  It was Harry Potter, roaring down to the pond with his arm raised.

            "Harry!  Kill him while you have the chance!" said Minerva.  Harry frowned.

            "Oh come on, that's not nearly dramatic enough.  Snape, make him stop giggling."

            "Anything for you, honey muffins…" Snape pointed his wand at Voldemort again.  "Unticklerinium Unticklerionia!!!!!!"  Voldemort stopped laughing and jumped up.

            "Ah.  Potter.  Let's do this thang."  Harry sneered.

            "Prepare to die, Voldemort."  Harry looked around.  "Why aren't any of you gasping?  I said Voldemort!"  Severus gasped feebly.  "Much better…hey, wait…"

            "What, Potter?"

            "We're only on the fifth book.  I can't just kill you whenever I feel like it.  We've got two more books left to sell, dammit!"

            "Aw, really?  Two whole books?  That's at least three thousand pages!"

            "Four thousand, actually…there's a part where Dumbledore tells me his entire life story, right down to how often his mum clipped his fingernails."

            "Twice a week and before special occasions!" said Dumbledore.

            "Well, if we have to wait for two more books…see you in about fifteen years, then," said Voldemort.  Harry and Voldemort shook hands, and Voldemort scampered off into the Forbidden Forest.  Minerva turned around and realized that Ron and Hermione were standing behind her.

            "Gee, uh, Hermy, why didn't he Disapparate?"

            "Because you can't Disapparate from Hogwarts!  How many times have I told you that?"

            "374, but I love to hear you say it."

"Oh, Ronnie, I'll say it until my vocal cords wither."  They started making out.

"Say it, Hermione!  Say it!"

"You can't Disapparate from Hogwarts!!!  Oh, God, you can't Disapparate from Hogwarts!"  Minerva slapped her forehead.

"Holy shit!  What is going on here?"  Severus tapped her on the shoulder.

"Uh, Minerva, that swearing was kind of out of character.  You might want to watch that."

"Shut the hell up, Severus!  I'm going to swear as much as I want, you f—hey, I can't I say that?"

"I think it's got something to do with the rating.  The writer doesn't want to get her account deleted."

"Where is this writer?  I'd like to give him a piece of my mind!"

"Her.  It's a her."

"Oh, how do you know?"

"Come on, when's the last time you saw a guy writing Harry Potter fics?"

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but I'd still like to see this no-talent 'writer' you speak of!"  In a burst of brilliant light, a cloud descended from the heavens bearing a gorgeous young lady flanked by two devastatingly attractive men.