::Groans:: Hey there, readers. ::Ow:: I'm finally out of traction; thanks go out to Vixen2004 for that one. ::Argh:: Last time I create a new form of writing and show her.... For the uninformed, walls and random objects hurt when you hit them.
All right, I decided to post this before moving back to my chapter fic. Hopefully, you guys like this one. After reading new material from Lvkishugs and Zanisha, I'm feeling slightly inadequate...lame if you will. Lyrics: 'Fade to Black' by Metallica. It took 3 straight hours of listening to this song to produce this one-shot, so please don't let my effort be in vain. Please review.
Dedications go out to my dark reviewers, especially Vixen2004, Lvkishugs and Zanisha. I don't know why I'm doing this though; all of you make my work look sick and weak. Aw well, I luv you guyz and I'm willing to forgive and partially forget. ::Mutters incoherently::
I'd also like to send out a special thank you to Sekhemnet. It took me a while, but I finally found something that will hopely satisfy the readers. I really appreciate your help on this one; I couldn't have done it without you.
Ok, Riku time...
Need the End to set me Free
Life it seems will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else
I'm drifting...to where? I really don't give a damn anymore. The darkness here, save for the useless oblong of empty bulbs glowing in the sockets of the accursed shadows, is blanket thick. Nothing can tell what's here or there, so my location doesn't mean shit.
My arm instinctively swings out, crushing the skull of one lone Shadow Heartless that strayed from the group. It would reform eventually, so my remorse levels didn't exactly rise; Hell, they didn't even ripple. The vapour-like blood soaks my hand before dissipating entirely. That's the way it always is: The sticky, black fluid lasts just long enough to leave the attacker with a shot of guilt before evaporating. I stopped caring after about maybe, the hundredth one? Or was it the fiftieth? Whatever, there are too many to count and even less to care. They don't about me, so why should I be any different? All I know is that it's hopeless to even try counting their seemingly endless hordes of death.
I start to actually move my feet now. Why should I be so damn lazy and let the formless world move for me? Besides, I have little to no control of anything anymore; may as well use what I can. I once heard that there is a light at the end of every tunnel. I look up and there it is...again. I stare at it blankly. I take a couple of steps towards the small glow and again...so does it.
'Keep your damn light, you nefarious obsidian of hell!' My thoughts are self-explanatory, are they not? I'm only wrong in one aspect; this was worse than any biblical hell... I whip around, and walk in another direction until the darkness swallows up the stupid, false 'hope' once again. Every time, it was the same thing. Like running in a dream, you'll never catch the thing you're chasing. It will always be just a step ahead of you. And since I'm not delusional, I know this isn't a dream. So why bother knocking yourself out for the impossible?
'Because hope and ignorance go hand-in-hand,' I remind myself vehemently. I had lost everything, even myself. It took a long time, again ignorance plays a role in my pathetic existence, but I finally convinced myself of that. It's my fault; it's all my fault.
Many people pity me, say I was misguided, confused, think I was used and that I should be spared this fate.
Well, they are wrong...
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Face it everyone. I screwed up; I screwed up bad. I had everything anyone could ever hope for. Friends, a happy home, fun and love... But no, that just wasn't good enough for me. I could be on the beach now, enjoying the sun, trek on an adventure... but no, I was greedy...selfish even. I sacrificed everything, even my own friends to achieve...achieve...
Hell, I don't remember anymore!
People claim I was just trying to save Kairi, help my friends and that I am innocent. That's right, poor, innocent, little Riku; never meant to hurt anyone.
Well, they're sadly mistaken. If it wasn't for my selfish heart, I wouldn't have had to save Kairi, now would I have? I let the darkness into Destiny Islands, I destroyed our home, I risked everything for nothing... Explain how that makes me innocent...
That's what I thought... My heart deserves the darkness it's in.
I had it all, and lost it just as fast. Even if I didn't have what I did then, I still would've had my heart. That's all anyone really needs. Personal possessions that are cherished hold the spirit of the owner in them, and what's more personal than one's own heart?
Now that I think about it, I know that's true. Take Sora: His heart was always curious, making him the adventurous, want-to-know-it-all guy. Kairi, romantic and always happy which explains her purity princess heart. And me...
The answer's obvious. I wasn't worthy of my heart, and I lost it. Inevitably, I lost myself, my spirit too. The say the heart is your central board for emotions. Without emotions, someone is no one, nothing...as I am now. Hell, I'm worse than nothing. Nothing has the pleasure of non-existence, joy of ignorant bliss. I can't have that. Even if I were to die, joy and pleasure are not on the entry list.
Though, I suppose I should consider myself lucky. Why? The darkness took some form of pity on me. I am a "Heartless" now, but I am not completely devoid of emotions. Oh no! I still have anger, regret, misery and the ever-friendly hatred. What more could anyone ask for? No wait... what more does someone like me deserve?
Well, hmmm... oh! That's right!
Nothing...
Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
For a while, hatred was something I treasured. I guess it helped lift the guilt that was constantly stabbing at me.
I hated everything. I hated Selphie for her clueless, yet happy smile. I hated Tidus for his harmless, childish cockiness. I hated Wakka for his "big-brother" demeanor. I hated the island for disappearing. I hated Sora for leaving me for new friends, leaving me to struggle on my own. I hated Kairi for the pain and choices I made for her. I hated Maleficent for her lies and Ansem for his manipulative words. I hated the darkness for taking and devouring my heart. But mostly, I hated myself for letting it all happen...
'But now,' I pause to strike another shadow, this one jumping at me. I flinch as the disgusting liquid splashes against my face, dripping down my cheeks before disappearing. Stupid thing.
'I'm tired of hating. Hate is exhausting.' Besides, it makes me feel emptier than I already do. I place my hand against my chest, waiting for a beat, erratic even. I do this occasionally, almost never now though. The response never comes and I have to recall my 'hope equals ignorance' statement. I don't hate where I am now, though I don't care for it. But why should I deserve any better? I want to believe it a dream, but what would denial prove? Fruitless is the only thing that comes to mind. I remove another shadow from my path, taking a seat upon the formless ground.
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness, taking dawn
I was me, but now, he's gone
I often wonder what happened to Mickey. Even the gentle-hearted king couldn't stand the impending darkness. When the doors to Kingdom Hearts shut, locking Mickey and me inside, the Keyblades disappeared. I suppose that was the only shield to his heart. I nonchalantly put my fist through the chest of another glowing, now not so much, eyed shadow. 'Hmm, where do the devoured hearts go exactly if not there?' The creature burst its 'life' contents, which resulted in it drenching my arm and side, and then leaving. I shrug and return my thoughts to the 'dethroned' King. Now was a good a time as any to review the past, I guess.
Slowly, he began to break down. His cheery disposition quickly fading, his smile a thing of the past, his eyes filling with desolate reality. I stayed the same though, monotone, save for my sporadic outbursts of hatred. Then one day, the poor bastard just snapped. His actions were even appropriate: We were walking along in complete silence, him leading. Suddenly, he stopped and recoiled violently. Snapping his vocal chords with a high-pitched scream, he ran head-on into the darkness and never returned.
I flinch at the memory, but more at my disgusting reaction. I had found his degradation rather amusing and I remember laughing at his last moments with me. The thought of such cruelty made my empty shell convulse with pain. It was true; I had lost myself...in the worst possible way.
I remember the hellish smirk I bore then. I remember the maniacal chuckle that escaped my lips at his sad display. But mostly, I remember the brief flash of happiness and gratitude that filled me at the sight of him suffering the same fate I did.
The laugh filling my head viciously, reverberating through my head like some vindictive echo, I reach out and strangle the life out of one curious Shadow that came too close. A ghastly crack came from beneath my fingers. The poor Heartless just stared at me weakly, its glowing yellow orbs becoming dim and grey. It's eyes burned deep into mine, before the shadow exploded, showering me in thick, black blood. I stand here, in the darkness, paralyzed with shock. The sight of the Heartless' eyes bore deep in my mind, its expression almost innocent. Guilt began to shoot through my spine as I realize something...
The blood wasn't coming off. It was running through my flat, platinum hair, dripping off my bangs into my eyes. My cheeks were spattered, the excess running down and dropping off my cheeks. It seeped into my clothes, staining my cursed flesh. I gaze helplessly at my wet hands for several minutes before letting out a god-awful scream...
No one but me can save myself but it's too late
Now I think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye
I speak these words grimly, each syllable and line impacting me all the more. I thought I had heard them in a song once, though I don't remember the title. 'What does it matter?' I mutter silently. They speak the truth; the origin matters not.
I gingerly finger the blade of a terrified Invisible. 'I thought they couldn't feel? Isn't fear an emotion?' My useless question was proven false as the Heartless sped away like a bat out of Hell.
'I truly am alone in the world now,' I conclude emotionlessly. After what had happened with that Shadow, even the race of Heartless refused to be around me. I suppose the thought of being killed so brutally and then remaining as such, hurt them, even scared them, more than me. Strange how even those devoid of everything still had enough of "something" in them to protect them. 'It's sad really...'
I knew what was required of me. I couldn't deny it anymore. What was the point? I was a cold, Heartless, both literal and emotional, murderer. I really had nothing now, except a fate worse than Hell itself. I couldn't help but feel like I partially killed myself then. My heart was in the darkness somewhere, why not there? I had started the job; now it was time to finish it.
I raise the sword to my chest, my empty, heartless chest. The blade was somewhat hefty and I could feel the blood dripping from my slit fingers. I contemplated this route many times before, though I always found suicide to be cowardly. But somehow, this decision felt more right than anything ever did, my resolve now more fueled than ever before. I had hurt everything I came in contact with; my home, my friends, a kind stranger, even the undeserving darkness.
'I don't ever want to be the cause of someone's painful memories again...' is my final thought. And with that, I plunge the thick blade through my ribs. I flinch slightly as it entered the dark, empty void where my heart was supposed to be. This hurt more than I expected it to. I feel a trickle of blood leak out of my mouth's side, down my neck and join the pool that was emerging from my chest.
I feel my body hit the ground, the rebound much softer than the original landing. I could feel my platinum head become rusty as each second passed. I cough considerably, only to realize the spasms symbolized that I was crying. I could feel the tears to merge with the puddle of red beneath me. As my last breath passed, my lips form a smile of relief...
I'm finally free...