(Author's Note: I will be on vacation for a week out in the middle of nowhere. Therefore, no updates for a while. If you feel that may you have trouble coping, let me know and I can recommend some credible therapists.)

Minerva, Remus, and Sirius ran to catch up with Severus.

"Aren't you boys...supposed to be...back...at the tree?" panted Minerva. They soon reached Severus, and assumed a normal pace to follow his trudging.

"Well, uh, yeah...but...we can still follow Snape!" said Remus.

"But how do you know what Severus is up to?"

"Uhhh...Moony and I are, like, omniscient narrators!"

"Oh, no you're not."

"Yes we are, Minerva! Now shut up and let Remus narrate omnisciently!"

"Thanks, sweetie pumpkin. Anyways, Severus trudged back to Slytherin house, muttering swear words that we can't print here if The Author doesn't want to get a smackdown by the kind staff of Severus arrived at the portrait guarding Slytherin house."

Sirius tapped Remus on the shoulder. "Oh, come on...you at least have to say what the portrait is! It's called adding detail, Moony!"

"Well...uh...I forgot what it is! There! You happy, Padfoot?"

"How can you forget what it is? It's right in front of us!"

"Well, uh...you try to say what it is!"

"Okay...uh...damn, you're right. Oh well, just make something up."

"Okay...hmm...Severus stood in front of the portrait of the ugly old man with a chicken on his head and spoke the password."

Severus took a breath. "Burning Slytherin-angst." The portrait hole opened, and Severus stepped into the Slytherin common room. He ran to his bed, flopped on it, and began to sob.

Minerva poked Sirius. "Now...exactly why is he sobbing?"

"It's an angst-fic. People sob in their dorm rooms a lot in angst-fics. Now, let me narrate: As Severus sobbed into his pillow, he could hear the thunder booming from outside and the pitter-patter of the...uh...pitter-pattering rain.­"

"Rain?" snorted Minerva. "How is it raining? It was sunny and beautiful about two minutes ago!"

"I already told you, it's an angst-fic! It always rains! It was a romance before, so it was sunny. You know, it's like, juxtaposition."

"Oh, it is not juxtaposition."

"Yes it is, Minerva! Now shut up and let Sirius juxtapose!"

"When Severus stopped sobbing, he reached under his pillow and pulled out a razor blade, a Swiss army knife, a paper clip, a dagger, a Bowie knife, a rapier, a sword, and a hatpin. He then rolled up his shirtsleeves and, grinning creepily, exposed his five bajillion scars to the world."

Minerva covered her eyes. "Can I go now?"

Sirius ignored her and continued. "He cut himself with the razor blade, poked himself repeatedly with the Swiss army knife, carved swear words in his flesh with the paper clip, cut off his pinky toe with the dagger, sang "China Girl" to the Bowie knife, raped himself with the rapier, did something really painful with the sword, and ignored the hatpin. He then pulled out a quill and a little book, stuck the quill in his melodramatically oozing blood, and started to write."

"Dear Die-ary: I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focused on the pain...the only thing that's real."

Minerva stared at Sirius. "Sirius, if you're really omniscient, why are you reading Snape's diary over his shoulder?"

"Uhhh...because...I want to make sure I'm right! Now, we're not done yet! His diary continued..."

"I hate myself. I hate James and Sirius. I hate my evil elitist drunken abusive father. But most all...I hate myself. Maybe I'll try to kill myself for the 24th time since I was five. I think this time I'll spend a really long time hand weaving a noose...not that I want to get caught or anything, because I really do want to die. Really. Totally, really. Well, I guess I'll go gather some straw, or whatever it is that nooses are made out of."

Remus stuck his hand in front of Sirius's face. "Sirius, can I do the next part? It's so dramatic!"

"Sure, Moony..."

"Okee-dokee! At that exact moment, Lucius Malfoy walked in. Lucius Malfoy, while stunningly attractive, was also stunningly evil. All the antisocial chicks had the hots for him."

"Severus, have you been cutting again?"

"Uh...no..."

"You're covered in blood."

"I...uh...tripped."

"Oh, Severus." Lucius went over to Snape's blood-soaked bed and sat down. "Were they teasing you again?"

Severus started to sniffle. "Yuh...yes...those meanies..."

"Give me a hug, Severus." Lucius hugged Severus. "They have no right to do that to you. You're a Slytherin. That makes you cool."

"Yuh...yuh...yeah!"

"You know, Severus...wanna join a club?"

"What kind of club?"

"Uh...a taking-over-the-world club?"

"Hmm, sounds intriguing..."

"Severus, you need an outlet for all that burning Slytherin-angst. What's a better outlet than pure eeeevil?"

"Hmm...I dunno...will I have to kill people?"

"Well, yes...but we all get really cool tattoos and have wild orgies."

"Sweet! I'm in!"

Lucius stood up. "That's great, Severus. Oh, by the way, I heard you singing "China Girl" out there...do you know "Ziggy Stardust?""

"As a matter of fact, I do!"

"Great. First you sing "Ziggy Stardust," then I rape you. Okay?"

"Okay."

"And that's how Severus and Lucius fell in love."

Minerva stomped her foot. "No it's not!"

"Oh, right...and that's how Severus became a Death Eater."

Minerva smirked. "Well, boys, that was very interesting...but I don't want to hear Snape sing David Bowie songs any more than you do."

"Awww, but David Bowie's so hot!" pouted Remus.

Sirius bitch-slapped Remus. "That's it, let's go home." Everything got hazy again, and as Minerva fell to the ground Snape's horribly off-key David Bowie impression echoed in her ears.