Minerva's head hit the pillow, and a faint smile appeared on her face as her eyes closed and she drifted off to sleep. As she fell into darkness, she realized that she could sense being asleep, something that had never happened before.

"Oh, damn...now what?"

"Oh, I can answer that!"

Minerva opened her eyes, and saw herself sitting in an endless green field, staring at the endlessly radiant face of The Author.

"Oh...you're back?"

"You got it, Minnie!"

"Please don't call me that..."

"Listen, biotch, I'm writing this story and I can call you whatever the hell I want!" An expression of anger flashed briefly on her lovely face.

"Er...sorry?"

"Ugh...sorry, I'm having kind of a bad day...you know what I need?"

"Medication?" muttered Minerva.

"I need...a back rub! Oh Morrissey...could you come give me a back rub?" Quick as a flash, an oddly young Morrissey was rubbing The Author's graceful back.

Minerva gaped. "Muh...Morrissey? Even I know who that is! What is Morrissey doing rubbing your back?"

"Duh...he's my love slave..."

"But...Morrissey? Love? No! How in God's name can you..."

"Hey, if Snape can find true love, so can Morrissey."

"What's that about Snape?"

"Oh, wait, that hasn't happened yet. At any rate, I wanted your help on something."

"But you're writing me! How can I possibly help you?"

"You're the only logical person in this whole story! I'm completely out of ideas!"

"Well...don't you have any friends you can ask?"

"I...I...I don't need friends! I've got Daniel Radcliffe! OMG hez mine u bitches! Miiiiiine!!!!11"

"I don't think I can help you, sorry..."

"You're just begging for me to make this an AU, aren't you?"

Minerva cringed. "Okay, okay, I'll help you."

"Well, um, my therapist says that I have low self-esteem, right? So, uh, I wanted to raise it, right, but, like, to do that I need more reviews! And I want to write a summary for my story that makes people want to read it...but I don't know what to do!"

"Okay...what kinds of stories get the most reviews?"

"Er...well...um...I know! Lily/James! Everybody loves those because they're, like, pretty and canon and tragic and totally kawaii and...damn! That's it!"

"What other kinds of stories get a lot of reviews?"

"Well...uh...ones where Hermione has sex with people?"

"Okay, you've pretty much got that one covered...anything else?"

"Uhhh...Remus/Sirius!"

"Okay. Keep thinking..."

"Ummm...errr...Draco/Harry!"

"That's...disgusting..."

"I didn't ask for your opinion, you fictional peon!"

"Er, actually, you did."

"Alternate...effing...Universe..."

"Sorry! Sorry!"

"One more...I need one more...Ron/Hermione! Yes! Yes! I've got it! Morrissey, stop rubbing my back and go get me my laptop!" Morrissey ran off and speedily returned with a shiny silver laptop. "Thank you, Morrissey...yes...hmm...okay, I've got it! Here goes: Im lyke realy bad at summarys but...Lily/James! Remus/Sirius! Draco/Harry! Ron/Hermione! Pleez review!!!!!!!!!!!!11"

Minerva sighed. "Wow. Brilliance. May I please get some real sleep now?"

"Uhhh...sure! C'mon, Morrissey, let's get out of here." As they flew away, Minerva heard another voice and felt someone pulling on her shoulder.

"Minerva! Minerva! Wake up!"

Minerva opened her eyes and saw Dumbledore standing over her. "Wha?"

"It's Severus! He's in the hospital wing! You need to come now!"

"Do I really have to?"

"Yes! He's bad!"

"Damn..."