Severus lay in bed, his eyes closed and his breathing shallow. The bed in the hospital wing was surrounded with what looked to be the entire student body of Hogwarts and most of the teachers—how they could all fit in there, Minerva didn't know, but she pushed over to Severus's bedside. Mary Sue was clutching his hand and sniffling.
"Mary Sue? What happened to Severus?"
"He...um...oh...sniffles...I came in to give him some of my homemade gingersnaps and...he was...lying there! Oh, poor Severus!" Mary Sue started to sob uncontrollably, and Minerva searched for someone who wasn't entirely insane. Before she could find anyone, Madam Pomfrey burst in.
"OUT! OUT! YOU'RE DISRUPTING THE PATIENT!! HE NEEDS HIS REST!"
Minerva tapped her on the shoulder. "Poppy, he's unconscious...I'm sure he's getting plenty of rest, considering that he's knocked out."
"OUT! OUT!" The students filed out, grumbling. Minerva noticed Draco tugging at her sleeve.
"Professor, Professor, Severus needs me! I'm his love toy! I need to provide amoral support!"
"I think you mean moral support."
"No, uh, actually, I don't. Moral support would imply that I actually have morals."
"Draco, go do something productive."
"Like rape Hermione!"
"Well...erm..."
Draco ran off. Madam Pomfrey was running around dragging out teachers by their capes, so Minerva decided to head out. As soon as she exited the hospital wing, Dumbledore ran out behind her and gave her a bear hug.
"Mmmpf...Headmaster...geroff..."
"Minerva, Minerva, our Severus is dying!"
"Oh, Albus, I'm sure he's not dying."
"Minerva..." Albus stepped back. "Will you console me?"
"Um...how?"
"Uh...sex?"
"What?"
"Sex."
"No!"
"Please?"
"No."
"Damn..." Suddenly, they heard a moan from the hospital wing. Minerva rushed in, and found that Severus was awake.
He looked up at Minerva. "Oh...damn, I'm not dead."
"Severus, that's a good thing..."
"No, it's not! Not when your life is filled with pain and anguish such as mine...wanna hear about it?"
"Jesus no."
"Oh, but I'd love to, Sevvie!" Mary Sue sauntered into the hospital wing and sat down on a stool. "Please tell me all about it, Severus."
"Okay, well, it all started when I was three months old and my mom tried to feed me prunes for breakfast..." Minerva ran out of the hospital wing.