Max Pain-In-The-Butt: A Spoof of Max Payne
A helicopter is seen in the sky where a policeman is talking on the radio.
Policeman: Please repeat the address.
Radio voice: You don't know where it is? Well here's a clue: look for the building with a bunch of dead guys with guns and a destroyed military helicopter that's burning and a gunman on the roof.
Policeman: Ma'am, this is New York. There are lots of places like those in this city.
The scene now changes to Max Payne, standing on the roof.
Max: It was all over; the final gunshot was an exclamation point to all that had happened. Then, I released my finger from the trigger. I could finally go to the bathroom.
While the scene changes to an outside shot, there are sounds of a toilet flushing in the background.
Max: Ah, that's better. Yet, I am still being pounded by questions like a student in math class. Questions like: did I really do the right thing? Are my wife and daughter really avenged? And most importantly, where are those $@*&^ cops? It's been 10 minuets and they still haven't gotten up here.
The scene changes to a break room crammed with donuts and coffee.
Policeman 1: (Not the same one from helicopter.) There are a lot of donuts here . . .
Policeman 2: Can't let them go to waste.
The camera is now back to Max.
Max: To make any sense of it, or so the player can blast more thugs, I need to go back 3 years ago. The night the pain started . . .
3 years ago . . .
Alex: So when are you going to work for me Detective Payne?
Max Sorry Alex, but my family comes first. (Holds up a game guide) See? I gave them speaking parts in the prologue of parts 2 and 3.
Alex: That is nice. So why do I only have two speaking parts?
Max: (Scurries out and drives home.) I had a great family, a nice home, and a great job. Ah yes, the American dream. (Sees front door open and the drug symbol on the window.) Hmm, maybe Michelle and I need to talk about the babies' art practices. (Goes inside and sees everything in the kitchen turned upside down). Okay, this is probably a break in.
The phone rings.
Nichole: Is this the Payne residence?
Max: Yes, someone's broken into my house-
Nichole: Damn! I want to get a pizza! Stupid redial! Anyway, I'm sorry but I can't help you.
Our hero goes upstairs and hears voices)
Michelle: Don't touch that.
Killer: I'll touch whatever I want!
Michelle: Look you can have my baby but not my couch.
Max: My couch is in danger? Oh those bastards went to far!
The door leading to Max's bedroom flies open and a man steps out wearing a green jumpsuit and holding a cell phone up to his ear eerily chanting: "Can you hear me now? Good. Good!"
Max: (Takes out gun then reloads as it was empty). Freeze and I'll shoot- I mean I won't.
The intruder, oblivious to Max's threat takes out his own gun.
Max: (Shoots guy dead and runs in recklessly and shoots the thugs dead) Oh no! Baby are you ok? (Cuddles couch for a while and then notices dead wife and daughter.) Damn! I suppose this means dinner is going to be late.
Sample of Chapter 2
Max picked up the phone.
Max: We come to you live from the crime scene.
Jim: Who is this?
Max: Uh, Jerry Springer?
Jim: Really! Well, I really like your show. Say can I have your autograph when I get there?
Max: (Gulps) Why are you coming here?
Jim: Well, it's been rumored that the bank has been taken over by a bunch of thugs and since there's nothing else going on, I thought I would bring a bunch of men and storm the place. Kill a few days, like 3 maybe.
Max: In the video game you're not supposed to know any of this yet.
Jim: True, but let's face it we're not even supposed to have this conversation.
A helicopter is seen in the sky where a policeman is talking on the radio.
Policeman: Please repeat the address.
Radio voice: You don't know where it is? Well here's a clue: look for the building with a bunch of dead guys with guns and a destroyed military helicopter that's burning and a gunman on the roof.
Policeman: Ma'am, this is New York. There are lots of places like those in this city.
The scene now changes to Max Payne, standing on the roof.
Max: It was all over; the final gunshot was an exclamation point to all that had happened. Then, I released my finger from the trigger. I could finally go to the bathroom.
While the scene changes to an outside shot, there are sounds of a toilet flushing in the background.
Max: Ah, that's better. Yet, I am still being pounded by questions like a student in math class. Questions like: did I really do the right thing? Are my wife and daughter really avenged? And most importantly, where are those $@*&^ cops? It's been 10 minuets and they still haven't gotten up here.
The scene changes to a break room crammed with donuts and coffee.
Policeman 1: (Not the same one from helicopter.) There are a lot of donuts here . . .
Policeman 2: Can't let them go to waste.
The camera is now back to Max.
Max: To make any sense of it, or so the player can blast more thugs, I need to go back 3 years ago. The night the pain started . . .
3 years ago . . .
Alex: So when are you going to work for me Detective Payne?
Max Sorry Alex, but my family comes first. (Holds up a game guide) See? I gave them speaking parts in the prologue of parts 2 and 3.
Alex: That is nice. So why do I only have two speaking parts?
Max: (Scurries out and drives home.) I had a great family, a nice home, and a great job. Ah yes, the American dream. (Sees front door open and the drug symbol on the window.) Hmm, maybe Michelle and I need to talk about the babies' art practices. (Goes inside and sees everything in the kitchen turned upside down). Okay, this is probably a break in.
The phone rings.
Nichole: Is this the Payne residence?
Max: Yes, someone's broken into my house-
Nichole: Damn! I want to get a pizza! Stupid redial! Anyway, I'm sorry but I can't help you.
Our hero goes upstairs and hears voices)
Michelle: Don't touch that.
Killer: I'll touch whatever I want!
Michelle: Look you can have my baby but not my couch.
Max: My couch is in danger? Oh those bastards went to far!
The door leading to Max's bedroom flies open and a man steps out wearing a green jumpsuit and holding a cell phone up to his ear eerily chanting: "Can you hear me now? Good. Good!"
Max: (Takes out gun then reloads as it was empty). Freeze and I'll shoot- I mean I won't.
The intruder, oblivious to Max's threat takes out his own gun.
Max: (Shoots guy dead and runs in recklessly and shoots the thugs dead) Oh no! Baby are you ok? (Cuddles couch for a while and then notices dead wife and daughter.) Damn! I suppose this means dinner is going to be late.
Sample of Chapter 2
Max picked up the phone.
Max: We come to you live from the crime scene.
Jim: Who is this?
Max: Uh, Jerry Springer?
Jim: Really! Well, I really like your show. Say can I have your autograph when I get there?
Max: (Gulps) Why are you coming here?
Jim: Well, it's been rumored that the bank has been taken over by a bunch of thugs and since there's nothing else going on, I thought I would bring a bunch of men and storm the place. Kill a few days, like 3 maybe.
Max: In the video game you're not supposed to know any of this yet.
Jim: True, but let's face it we're not even supposed to have this conversation.