Disclaimer: Many of these are not my characters. This is for entertainment purposes only.
Author's note: Thank you to my beta readers – gaianarchy and silvershadowfire – especially to shadow, whose wedding may just be followed by a funeral… if they have to kill me and the best man (what – I ask you – is wrong with chaos at a wedding?). Maybe we'll disturb you shadow… maybe we'll get along. (Ominous end of the world music). Maybe we won't insult each other at all… (thunder rumbles in the distance). Maybe we'll be nice… (reality begins to break down). Please, read and review… review… review… review… (echo fades in the empty inbox).
Chapter Six: Conspiracy Theories
Narrator's Note: Once again, the following records of events are based on third party reports. The same caveat applies.
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"Oh, my God, what did you do?" Bitten collapses in laughter as McDale walks in the room. The rest of the executive committee wear wide grins and begin applauding.
"Well, you said give him Lieutenant Hess. And we figured since he's always complaining about being lonely…" McDale bows to his audience. "I think maybe we should be planning a wedding[1]. Tell me… do you think Captain Archer would perform the ceremony?"
The entire group cracks up at that one.
"We've just gone from 20-1 for Hess to a 1-1 even match-up. Dev, you're playing hell with my book. Apparently she was screaming at him earlier tonight."
"That was Hess? Are you sure?" McDale shakes his head. "I thought you guys had replaced her, and just hadn't told me."
The entire group shakes their heads.
"We would've told you… just to make sure that you didn't give the game away. I think that's a damn good idea, if we need to talk to her directly… but we can't count on Lieutenant Reed not showing up."
"Especially now," cracks McDale. "He's popping by on a regular basis. Oh, he's got some sort of excuse or another… roses or orchids?"
"Roses." Lysdale snaps. "You can't have orchids at a wedding."
"Why not?"
"Because orchids are for funerals." She gives him the kind of look that says 'Men are such idiots'.
"Right. So we save them for after the wedding." Bitten grins. "When we'll have a funeral."
At that point… the meeting breaks up.
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"Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm." Commander Tucker throws a friendly arm around Malcolm's shoulders and guides him over to the bed. "Can't you see? She's playing hard-to-get. Look, she's probably just sore at me for telling you about her name… and her tattoo. Sit down. Now. Let's talk about this. What makes you think she doesn't like you?"
"She said so."
"In those exact words?" Commander Tucker smiles as Malcolm shakes his head. "See? Now I've been around Southern women all my life, and when they want you to go away, they'll tell you to go away."
"Well, she did do that." Malcolm sighs and begins playing with the pillow-case.
"What, precisely did she say to you?" Commander Tucker sits himself on the edge of his desk, the teacher dispensing wisdom to a favoured student.
"You mean after the 'ego-testicle bastard' message? She told me not to lie to her… I told her she had lovely eyes… and that we both knew what she looked like. Then she told me good night and threw me out."
Commander Tucker freezes. "What was she dressed like?"
Again, this confuses Malcolm. "It appeared to be loose fitting work-out gear."
"And her hair?"
"What about her hair?"
"Was it in any way multi-coloured, sparkly, or styled in a decidedly non-natural way?"
"No." Malcolm studies his face. "Is that a problem?"
"Maybe," Commander Tucker squeaks. "Most people never see that. I've only seen that once… and even I wouldn't have recognised her if she didn't say something. She told me once that she thinks she looks plain like that… which is something she's never wanted to be. Remember… her brothers are all – apparently – good looking. I mean… if the one who dropped her off at the Academy after a vacation is any indication… I'd look plain beside him. So she's always gone for something a little outrageous. You might have scared her."
"I didn't think a charging elephant would scare Hess."
Commander Tucker nods. "Probably not, she'd probably just smack it one. I get away with things because we agreed a long time ago that we'd never be anything more than friends… but if she's attracted to you…"
"She informed me that she wasn't." Malcolm droops as he says it.
"Pshh." Commander Tucker waves a hand in the air. "Don't give me that. For one thing… Hess does not make flat out statements… she's a lawyer; she qualifies everything. Now what did she say?"
"That while I may have some physical attributes that she finds appealing we are too opposite in personality…"
"Opposites attract. It's physics." It seems his earlier concerns have disappeared. "Now… obviously the usual 'candy and flowers' routine is out… this is Hess we're talking about. Have you considered laying one on her like you mean it?"
Malcolm takes a couple of seconds to figure that one out. "I like my jaw attached, thank you very much. If she knocked out a tooth of yours for 'inappropriate swearing,' I'd hate to see what she'd do to me for an 'inappropriate kiss.'"
"Well, that depends on whether or not she thought it was inappropriate. At least you don't have to worry about the whole 'chain-of-command' and 'unequal ranks' thing." Commander Tucker jumps up and begins to pace.
"No, it's more the triple reinforced boots and the highly trained martial artist thing that I'm worried about." He sighs. "She's right – it was just silly anyway…"
Commander Tucker stops dead, then spins and turns on Malcolm. "Don't say that. Don't ever say that. The two of you are two of my closest friends – you are perfect for each other."
Malcolm raises an eyebrow, suspiciously. "Why does that statement worry me? What's going on, Commander?"
"Malcolm," Commander Tucker claps a hand to his chest. "You have been complaining for about as long as I've known you about not having a woman in your life. This is your opportunity to change that. This is your chance to reach out and grab that brass ring marked happiness – though, I don't recommend you go with brass – and ride off into the sunset…"
"Hold it." Malcolm stands up and gives Commander Tucker a dark look. "Aside from the mixed metaphors… this is sounding an awful lot like a set-up. What are you planning?"
"Only the wedding," Commander Tucker chirps[2]. "I still can't decide whose side of the wedding party to be on… after all I have known Hess longer… but I'm pretty sure…"
"Commander. Even if Lieutenant Hess and I were to start a relationship… it is highly unlikely we would be getting married any time soon… if at all. This is a side of you that is beginning to scare me. Tell me, does Captain Archer know about your secret ambition to become a wedding planner?" Malcolm edges towards the door, keeping a careful eye on Commander Tucker.
"He'd only take it the wrong way. I mean Captain Archer is a decent guy, but he just doesn't have a romantic's soul. And I had the music all picked out and everything." He begins to pout.
"Don't you think we should have a say in that?"
Commander Tucker waves his hand in the air again. "Don't be ridiculous, Malcolm. Hess would only go with Billy Idol… and I hardly think that 'White Wedding' – as appropriate as the title may seem – is going to fit the bill. Unless, of course, I do need to get a shotgun…"
"Right." Malcolm hits the door button and escapes into the hallway. He turns the two guards, who are trying not to look at him. "Don't, under any circumstances, go in there. I think the man is seriously unbalanced." He glances back at the door. "In fact, take out the 'I think.'"
[1] What is it with guys and weddings? I mean… they say it's the woman who wants the wedding… but look around, and all you'll see is guys working out how it should be done. Okay, maybe it has something to do with the fact that there's usually some major strategic planning and possibly construction involved, but…
[2] Yes, he has a bad habit of sounding like cute furry animals. I think he thinks it's endearing.