CHAPTER FOUR
Waters of his Fury

Deep in my secret soul, I stand alone
The purpose of why I'm here is still unknown
And I can't help but sense the darkness in his mind
But I keep looking for his goodness
Afraid of what I'll find

"Secret Soul" Jane Eyre, The Musical

"And now F sharp minor," Adele said primly, seated at the piano in a pretty little blue dress.

"Four octaves?" Susan asked, glancing down at the chart that had been thrust into her hands. "Staccato and legato."

"One at a time!" Adele seemed irritated. She began, and her fingers flew over the keys. Susan was impressed; Adele had a real flair for the piano. Her musicality was good.

"Very good, Adele," Susan said, when she was finished.

"Have you no criticisms?" Adele asked.

"None," Susan replied. "Except, perhaps for the descending scales..." she hesitated. She did not want to sound like a novice. "Your rhythm wasn't quite as pronounced as on the way up. Try feeling one in a bar, accenting the first semiquaver."

Adele considered that. "Alright," she said finally. And so began again.

"Much better." Susan nodded her approval.

"Good," Adele said. "My tutor will be pleased." She smiled suddenly. "Thank you."

"Any time," Susan said, feeling pleased herself.

"Are you enjoying being at the manor?" Adele questioned her, putting her piano book aside and swinging her legs over the stool.

"Yes," Susan said. "Yes, I really am. The past four weeks have flown by so fast." She smiled at the girl. "Are you enjoying having me here?"

"It's not bad." Adele shrugged. "You are more fun than my last governess."

Stung, Susan bit back a retort. "Who was she?" she asked instead.

"Miss Brown," Adele replied. "She was always flirting with Mr. Smith. It grew wearying. So I had her replaced."

"Did you really?" Susan was aghast though she hid it. The little upstart.

Adele looked mournful. "She was there to teach and look after me like a mother would," she explained. "Not try and make a husband out of my warden."

Susan nodded. She could agree with that. "Not Lavender Brown, by any chance?"

"I thought her name was Letitia," Adele replied. "But you may be right. She went to school with Mr. Smith. And you," she added as an afterthought.

"That would be Lavender, then," Susan informed her. "Unless she had a younger sister I did not know of."

Adele raised her eyebrow. "She certainly looked younger than you."

"She uses cosmetic charms," Susan said stiffly.

Adele shrugged. "If you insist." She brightened. "Did I tell you? Mr. Smith is having a dinner party at the end of the week!"

"Indeed?" Susan was intrigued. "Whatever for?"

"I don't know," Adele said, swinging her legs idly. "For social reasons? He does have a life, you know," she added witheringly.

"I'm aware of that, Adele," Susan snapped.

Surprised, Adele looked up at her. "Are you?"

"Yes," Susan said firmly. "I am very aware of that. So you don't need to point it out."

"Okay," Adele said in a smaller voice. She smiled at Susan. "Lots of guests are coming."

"How many?"

"Twenty five, I think," Adele decided. "At least, I think that's what Mrs. Fairfax said."

Mrs. Fairfax hadn't mentioned anything of the sort to Susan at breakfast. "Indeed."

"Miss Zeller is coming," Adele added. "Mrs. Fairfax was most excited."

Susan's heart lurched. "Who is Miss Zeller?"

"One of our more wealthy neighbours," Adele replied. "She lives in the large estate about two miles away. They have a ballroom."

"How delightful," Susan said dryly. "Is she wealthier than Mr. Smith?"

"No," Adele said, her bright eyes gazing at Susan intently.

"I see," Susan replied.

There was a knock at the door. Robert opened it and smiled shyly at Susan. "Miss Bones," he said quietly. "The tutor has arrived."

"Hurrah!" Adele jumped off her seat and ran to greet her tutor.

Her dreams weren't sweet. She awoke in a cold sweat, feeling her clammy legs clinging to the sheets. She pushed the coverlet and sheets aside, lying in the cold air. Was she doing what Hannah had asked of her? Was this making her happy, dreaming dreams unattainable?

Who was she, anyway, to dream of Zacharias Smith? He was her boss, her employer. It wasn't right for her to think of him in such a manner. Yet it kept niggling at her. He had changed so. He was a lovely, funny, kind man. Certainly, he was very wealthy but they'd started in the same place; surely he wasn't so unattainable? She doubted that she loved him at such an early stage, though, and resolved to put a stop to it. He obviously didn't feel the same affection for her. Why would he, when he was surrounded by such decadence and had beautiful, wealthy neighbours like Rose Zeller? Rose Zeller must be the neighbour Adele spoke of. She'd always been a beautiful girl, though five years younger than Susan. She would be well suited to Zacharias. They shared wealth, power, status and society. She was a sparkling jewel and would be the perfect compliment to Zacharias.

But why was she thinking like this? Nothing had been said of Zacharias' intention to marry Rose Zeller. It was only Susan reading Adele's implied tones the wrong way, that was all. And even if he did wish to marry Rose Zeller, that was nothing to do with Susan. She was merely the governess. The plain, middle-society governess selected to care for the ward of Zacharias Smith. Though, she reminded herself, that ward was in fact his daughter. She wondered where Adele's mother was now.

There was no good to come of wondering such things. Susan chastised herself and curled up on her bed, resolving to think of nothing but sheep jumping over fences in an effort to return to sleep.

"Pass the butter, please." Zacharias stared at Susan. "The butter," he repeated.

Snapping out her daze, Susan picked up the butter dish and passed it to him.

"Thank you," he responded mechanically, spreading the butter on his roll. Susan glanced down at her hands guiltily, feeling as though she'd committed a sin by not paying attention. She hoped he wasn't offended.

"Is something wrong, sir?" Adele asked of Zacharias.

His head snapped up. "Why would anything be wrong?"

"I don't know," Adele replied sulkily, taking a mouthful of vegetables. "Because you're really grumpy?"

His expression altered to allow him to grin momentarily at her. "Only you could get away with that," he quipped.

Adele smiled at him. Susan smiled at Adele, feeling her heart contract as she considered the real relationship between these two. She knew now for certain that Adele had no idea that Zacharias was her father. But why?

"Why are you grumpy?" Adele asked.

He sighed. "I have to cancel the dinner party this week." Mrs. Fairfax, who was hovering at the door, stopped and looked horrified. "Postpone it, I mean. A fortnight from Friday." Mrs. Fairfax continued to look horrified. "Just postpone it, Mrs. Fairfax!" Zacharias said impatiently. She bustled out of the room in an undignified fashion.

"Why?" Adele persisted.

"Rose Zeller is visiting us tomorrow!" Zacharias said, frustration evident in his voice. "She wishes me to postpone the dinner party because of a proposition or some such rubbish." He was glowering. Susan felt stricken. A proposition from Rose Zeller? Surely it was impolite in this society for the woman to propose a union? ... Surely?

"A proposition," Adele said primly. "For what purpose?"

"Don't know." Zacharias shrugged. "But it's annoying. Still..." he sighed. "We will entertain Miss Zeller tomorrow as the occasion requires."

Susan stood up suddenly. "Please excuse me," she said quickly before hurrying from the room. She dashed to the nearest bathroom and shut the door behind her, her heart pounding. What would the visit from Rose Zeller yield? Would she propose marriage? Was she the sort? Susan had no idea. She hated not knowing. What could she do?

She stared bleakly in the gold framed mirror, feeling even more despair. "You're so plain, Susan Bones," she told her reflection. "Why does this upset you so, when you're in no position to marry him yourself?" Why indeed. She sighed, washing her hands.

She closed the door behind her and started across the hall.

"Susan." Zacharias was standing at the foot of the stairs. "Why did you leave the table?"

"I..." Susan racked her brain. "Bathroom," she managed.

He regarded her with icy eyes. "Is that all?" he challenged.

"Yes," Susan said weakly.

He shrugged. "Fair enough." He headed up the stairs. Susan let out a sigh of relief, heading toward the dining hall to find Adele.

"What can I do now, my precious lord?" Susan asked bitterly, staring up at the night sky. She shivered and wrapped her cloak closer around her, sighing softly. "His dark love would be my best reward." She sat down on the edge of the marble fountain and dipped her fingers in the water, reveling in the icy temperatures. She was so stupid, she knew that now. She could no longer dismiss the feelings she felt for her employer. This was no passing infatuation.

Susan stood up suddenly and headed through the hedge arches into the rose garden. She looked up at the house and could see Zacharias silhouetted in the window as he stood there. "I know I should not dare to go deeper in his madness but it's like a field I must run through," she said urgently, trying to justify it. "No one's words will make me love him less!"

Horrified at having said the words out loud, she sank to the path and picked up a fallen rose petal, admiring the beauty of it before remembering its name and scrunching it up in anger, throwing it away from her. "How much I can stand, I cannot guess," she said bitterly. "The secret voice that speaks to me tells me he's in danger. Looking to the dust for tenderness." She sighed. "Deep in my secret soul, I stand alone." A tear slipped down her cheek as she remembered the absence of more than Zacharias. She lifted her eyes skywards, searching for her friend.

"The purpose of why I'm here is still unknown," she told the stars. "And I can't help but sense the darkness in his mind... But I keep looking for his goodness... afraid of what I'll find!" She dropped her gaze. "My heart moves through his unquiet sea. I pray a wave will come and carry me closer to his troubled tide, waters of his fury. But how can I swim this great divide?"

Susan got to her feet and walked further into the gardens, finding herself surrounded by the annual pansies, the coloured petals winking merrily in the moonlight. "Deep in my secret soul I cry his tears," she said, wiping her sole tear away before the others arrived. "I weather his angry voice." She winced, remembering his mood at lunchtime. "I feel his fears. His life has infected every wound and every ward. I feel his mystery possess me! And I pray that mercy shall stand and bless me. Deep in his secret soul, his past is past. I summon my deepest will to steal his heart." She barked a cynical laugh. "Oh, give me the strength to come! The journey I take deep within must end within my secret soul."

Upstairs, Zacharias watched the stooped figure of Susan in the garden as she bent and examined the flowers, seemingly unaware of his watchful gaze. He sighed, flexing his hands and stretching them above his head, his thoughts in turmoil. It wasn't right. He shouldn't be feeling this for a governess of his only daughter. And especially not in his situation. But there was denying it, something about Susan Bones appealed to his soul. He knew that they were not a logical match. Mrs. Fairfax would have a heart attack if she knew.

"The spring of blood falls in me," he muttered, watching her move into the next garden. "Her gentle voice I hold dear! Her life has infected every wound and every ward. I feel her mystery possess me and I pray that mercy's hand will let me." He sighed again. "Deep in my secret soul, I stand alone! I will not atone! And I will not ever let her deep within my secret soul!" He snapped the blind shut and turned away from the window furiously.

At the sudden noise, Susan's head snapped back toward the window but the blind was closed and she could no longer see his silhouette. See, Susan, she thought sadly. It's not meant to be.