" 'We live, as we dream-alone… ' "

-Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

CHAPTER 3

Fishbowl Prison

It was strange, how nothing seemed to matter quite as much as it used to. I found myself thinking 'What's the point? It will all leave eventually'. As young and stupid as it seemed, this thought continued through my head like it might through a lost girl in her teen years who was trying to find out where she belonged and felt that the end of the world was near. But really, that was not much less than what I was after all, wasn't it?

Then I wondered at how I had changed. I wasn't oblivious; I saw the change, and I chose to change. I didn't like what I was becoming, but it was less painful than remaining as I had been before. I numbed myself, and for a while, it worked.

"Kagome? Kagome?" A young voice penetrated my thoughts groggily. I looked up and smiled at the small girl who's hair was littered with small white flowers that I had helped her arrange. Flowers that I could have put in my child's hair.

"I'm sorry, Rin. What is it?"

"Are you OK? You look sad."

"I'm fine, Rin, but thank you for worrying."

"Sure!" the girl smiled then spotted a rarer flower and trudged off towards it.

"I'm a danger, here. To her, to everyone," I said softly to the figure which I knew stood behind me. Despite my rather…shabby condition, I could still detect youki as well as any other miko, and Sesshoumaru was not an exception.

"You're a danger, wherever you are," he stated, matter-of-factly.

"Naraku will come for the jewel."

"You need not concern yourself on that matter."

"What…" I turned to him and he sighed and explained slowly, eyes constantly watching Rin with a look of concealed intent that I should not have thought Sesshoumaru to ever be capable of. Was he happy with his adopted child? Did he, the cold, calculated killer deserve one when I was robbed of my own? Perhaps not, perhaps so.

"The night that you were attacked Inuyasha was injured and died."

Though this was only a statement of the obvious, I listened to his words and they struck me with a jolt, so painfully, as if hearing Sesshoumaru say them was the final thing that insured they were real, and that it had not been some sick, tiring dream. His words made everything final. I suddenly felt sick as my stomach twisted itself inside me.

"Yes," was all I could manage.

"You were unprepared to battle and were attending to Inuyasha. You forgot, or perhaps just didn't care, about the danger that still remained. Naraku attacked once again and I defeated him while he was focused on you."

The words were heavy and hit me with a bruising weight.

"Naraku's dead?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure? Positive?"

"As much as I may be," he said, apparently growing bored of the topic.

"I can't believe it." I whispered slowly. "He's finally gone forever." Along with Inuyasha. For some reason, it seemed as if Naraku's death left a gaping hole in my life. One of the only reasons for continuing was gone. Naraku had represented the evil that had kept me going, striving to conquer and outwit it, outlive it. It was as if, with my most hated enemy's death, I lost purpose. What use is a savior if there is nothing to be saved from? Inuyasha was dead. Sango, Miroku, and Shippou had new lives of their own. The reasons were all but gone.

"You killed him?" I asked quietly. I knew I would annoy him if I kept pressing, but I wanted the most confirmation I could receive. I didn't want, could not handle, another surprise return of the vile creature and potential loss of something else important to me.

"Again, yes. He is no longer. How many more times must I repeat that."

"Then you were there, that night."

"Only momentarily." he said curtly, as if I were accusing him of something, of a crime that had been committed . I gazed down at my feet which were hidden beneath my kimono, but did not see them. And then I realized that inside, my mind was leading me somewhere. I was accusing Sesshoumaru. I was accusing him of a horrid crime. Inside, I discovered that he was just as guilty as Naraku. If he had been there after Inuyasha had been injured and was there long enough to kill Naraku…

Sesshoumaru was looking at me, a strange look in his eyes, one that I had never seen before. Was it anger, pity, annoyance, or regret? Whatever it may have been, it was uncommon and indecipherable. I looked up at him, questioning written in my eyes, my mind blank, yet working frantically.

"Woman, that is not to be taken lightly. And I was not there-" I cut him off with my gaze. I just looked at him, feeling, amazingly, what I was feeling, I didn't know. I nodded once.

I knew in an instant that after the minute of processing what I had said, she would realize it. This human, though impossibly lost, was sharp and I did not put it past her to fill in the blanks. I knew that she would realize what could have been and it would hit her like a tempest. She would be angry, infuriated at me and question 'why, why?', and for once, I would not really have a true, complete answer. I never take actions that are not thought-out or have no reason. Maybe in the heat of the moment I had forgotten what I, myself, could do, but that was unlikely. Maybe I had already decided that Inuyasha would eventually die defending his human woman, as our father had and it was useless postponing that fact. Maybe I just truly didn't care what happened to him. But I can not say that I would purposefully wish a gruesome death upon my half brother, especially after it seemed we had reached a kind of twisted, unspoken pact. We would fight, yes, but there was no meaning. And, in the past, I would have thought it only my privilege to end his life and no other's. Perhaps if I had known the details that I knew later, I would have acted differently that night.

It's conceivable that Kagome understood this, contrary to what I had thought. Instead of an inflamed passion of anger rising in her eyes, she looked at me with eyes that were no longer empty, but lost in a world much larger than themselves. She nodded and then she did the last thing I had expected her to do. She raised her head and looked straight at me, blue locked on gold, and her lips parted so slightly and the breath left them in a whisper that was barely audible even to my ears.

"Thank you." She muttered the words softly and I thought for an instant that it had not been her who had said it, but the wind. She shifted slightly, her kimono swishing in the breeze and left me to sit with Rin.

I am not one to be taken off guard, so I was not shocked at her reaction, merely interested in how I could have read her so wrongly. Perhaps all of the fire the girl had possessed on our previous encounters had left for good? The girl intrigued me. One day, I would be able to read her like a book, the next, be amazed at how different and fickle she could be with her thinking and emotions. This Kagome was like an unpredictable bomb that could go off at any moment and kill hundreds or save them.

She came to meals regularly the next two days, though she ate little. She was filling out slowly once again but had lost much weight and strength during her days of fasting. She was still unnaturally skinny and fragile to the first glance. Her kimono hung on her as if draped on a child and it struck me that perhaps that's what she really was, just a child who had lost someone close to her, lost her guidance temporarily, and was teetering on the edge as most human children do. It was ridiculous, the human mind. Set up for failure and grief. I could not imagine how they had survived as long as they had, seeing as they had a habit of killing their own selves, directly or indirectly, physically or mentally. I am thankful I am not as weak as that.

But, despite her weakness, she seemed determined to hold a self-conscious attitude of strength while around me. The mask fell when she played with Rin, but if I encountered her alone, she seemed stand taller and work harder. It made me smirk whenever I turned away from her. It was like having my own kabuki performers to act before me every day. I was pleased that she was more en guard while around me. It also informed me of her intelligence.

Yet, while attempting to maintain her independent and determined nature, she seemed to become more pliant and agreeable. When I had first brought her to my home, she had refused to look me in the eye, but was slowly advancing to full conversations. I wondered if she forgot her grief so soon. Humans are always dwelling on things it seems.

The woman child had taken over the garden. Normally, the garden is my sanctuary and I am not pleased to have others in it besides Rin, but it kept her silent and seemingly farther away from the bouts of suicidal tendencies. Not to mention that the gardener was growing old and feeble and she really was not all that horrible at it. The maples and pines looked healthier, so I let her continue with her whims. She seemed less argumentative when she was occupied, anyways.

Every day these past seven, she would play with Rin in the garden. She smiled and humored the child, telling her stories and details about different plants and herbs. I allowed it for I thought it good that Rin learn some of the uses of different roots and such things. Not only that, but Rin was aggravating Jaken to the point where I thought he would commit suicide. Yes, let her play with that Kagome. Though, I made sure to stay cautious when they did. Though I was certain that Kagome would not attempt to harm Rin, whenever she smiled at the girl, her eyes saw past her. They were unseeing eyes that only held the past.

It was nearly dusk one night when Kagome came to me. She knocked quietly and came in after I gave consent. I had been writing a response to a demon lord in the South. Annoying creature, he is.

"Sesshoumaru."

I put down my quill and rolled up the piece of parchment.

"And what is important enough to draw you out of the cave which is your room?"

I hid a small smirk at her obviously indignant expression.

"I know that for the past…oh, I've lost track of time…you have, whether indirectly or unhappily, taken care of me. You have provided food and shelter and company. It has been the perfect break from the real world, which I needed badly."

I wondered slightly if she thought my life a fantasy land. Was my reality so different from the rest of the world?

"So I would like to thank you for what you have done, even if just for tolerating me, which I know is not simple most of the time."

"You have not said anything that I was not aware of as of yet."

"Yes, I know." She sighed, whether from annoyance of exasperation, I do not know. "The thing is, no matter how I try to cover it up by planting in the garden or playing with Rin, I can't forget him. He's always there, in the back of my mind, eating away at it and the very second that I am not occupied, my thoughts are filled with him and…" She looked straight at me, a feeling I could not name on her face. "I want to thank you for everything and go back to the village by Inuyasha's forest. The only thing I can do is face my fears and anxieties and hope that they might die down. You understand, don't you?"

For a long moment, I thought hard about what she was saying. It was true that possibly the only way for her to overcome her sorrow was to face it, but I had the obligation of insuring her health and well-being. She was supposed to be under my care. It was not something she nor I had chosen, but it was true. But then, she could never be fully healthy again if she could not lesson the human burden on her conscious. Fighting what I should know to be the reasonable answer, a nodded curtly. She smiled wryly.

"However. Seeing as how you have been in my care for this length of time, I would be quite annoyed and inconvenienced if you were to die." Then I did something I had not expected myself to ever do. I reached into a chest and removed a wooden box. From the box, I drew the rusty Tetsusaiga from a read cloth and held it out to her. Her eyes grew wide and could see her wonder at how I had gotten it, and why I was giving it to her. She did not seem upset, though.

"When you have overcome your…weakness…bring this back to me. I will wait for its return."

She took the sword gingerly as if it were a treasured item of prophecy that told of death and gazed back at me. I found it odd that though she was gazing straight at me, her eyes were partially hidden. Her hair had grown and hung heavier, I noted absently. She smiled slightly, bowed, and left the study.

I arranged for Jaken to take her back to the part of Musashi's domain I had brought her from. I was occupied elsewhere. When I got back, she was gone along with Jaken and Ah-Un. But my mind was not on her, but what I should do about her. It was an irritating subject and I pushed it aside.

It had escaped my mind to tell Rin that she was gone. I had wished to place the woman far from my thoughts until absolutely necessary, but that was soon destroyed when Rin came inquiring about the whereabouts of her "Kagome-neechan". I cringed then explained to her that the woman had gone elsewhere and may not return for a time. For an instant, but only an instant, I almost felt unsure when I saw that look cross Rin's face. Her expression had changed from one of curiosity to poorly-hidden disappointment. I wondered momentarily if I should have let the woman go, then decided that Rin should not become dependent on others. It was not a strong trait. I told her to go bother Jaken only to chastise myself for my carelessness. Of course, Jaken was gone also, along with the beast Ah-Un who Rin also cared for. They would return, but as it were at that moment, there were no others for Rin to occupy herself. This should be no problem for the girl, she is happy picking flowers on her own, but I would not allow that. I turned from my work which I had been postponing anyways and walked towards the garden, Rin in tow. Who knew that merely sending the woman away would prove such a hassle?

I clutched Tetsusaiga tightly to my chest as if it would protect me merely by being there. I knew I could not transform it, and it was nearly worthless so why could I not release it? He had held it. He had used it, cherished it, fought for it, and so it was important. So important.

Why had Sesshoumaru given it back to me? Perhaps give was not the right word, seeing as how he had asked for it back even though it wasn't his to begin with. But then again, now that Inuyasha was gone, it only seemed fair that it be passed to him. But, why not to me? After all, he was my husband. We were family. But the question of why Sesshoumaru would lend it to me still rose. He knew it would not transform for me, yet he gave it as a means of protection. It made no sense.

The toad-thing Jaken did not speak and I was content with gazing at the forest beneath us. At one time, the dragon I was riding on would have made me faint, in some other, far away life. Now, I marveled at its strength and gripped its sides.

When we landed I got off silently and the dragon began to leave when I called out to Jaken.

"Tell Rin I'm sorry."

Jaken huffed but nodded shortly and I turned to walk down the path I knew so well. The path that had changed my life. And changed it again and again.

It was only when I saw Miroku, Sango, and Shippou that I realized why Sesshoumaru had given me Tetsusaiga.

They ran to me and each hugged me tightly, taking turns. Only when I was wrapped in the arms of Sango did the tears start to come, and they would not stop. They were silent, but streamed down my face furiously. I could taste them on my lips and feel them dripping on Sango's clothes. She hugged me tight for a long time then stroked my hair and whispered only so that I could hear.

"I know. It's going to be OK, Kagome. I know. Everything will be alright, I promise."

In my mind I was thinking of the absurdities of her words. How would she know everything was going to be alright. She hadn't lost Inuyasha. But somehow, her insane words, perhaps she knew they were insane, comforted me and I hugged her tighter. Then I realized that she did understand. She had lost her whole family until recently when her brother was brought back to her. She had been trapped and tricked and played like a puppet. Yes, we were different people and had lost different people, but it did not matter. She understood. And together, we shared our pain quietly.

Somehow, just being with them made everything seem lighter, but it also brought back torrents of pain. Shippou was ecstatic to see me. Kaede was relieved and cheery. Miroku was supportive and charming. Then , finally, after settling down and heading back to Kaede's hut, the question came of what exactly had happened. They wanted to know everything. And I knew deep inside that they also wanted to know what had happened exactly that night. I was unable to talk about it before, and I knew they would not push me, but I drew Tetsusaiga to my chest, hugging it, and understood Sesshoumaru's reasoning, even if it had not been the reasoning that he had intended. Tetsusaiga could not physically protect or save me now, but it brought back my memories of Inuyasha and everything myself and my friends had survived through, together, and that brought a strength that I could not see and a support that I could not feel, for it grew slowly inside me. I calmed myself and, thanking Sesshoumaru, slowly let the past events unfold before us all.

I hadn't realized how strange, sad, and ridiculous it had all been until I heard the words describing the events rattle and fall out of my mouth clumsily, broken. Everyone listened patiently, trying to understand and support. When I was done, they all nodded and hugged me, telling me again how glad they were that I was back. And yet, I saw the questioning in their eyes, the unspoken wonder, barely recognizable underneath the sadness and help that they wished to provide. I didn't tell them why I did not come back sooner. I had told them I was not captive at Sesshoumaru's home, but I had not explained why I chose to stay there. I couldn't explain it to them-how I needed a rest from everything, including my dearest friends. I could not tell them that the impersonality between Sesshoumaru and myself, the not knowing each other's past, was comforting. I also did not tell them how Sesshoumaru had found me. I did not know if they knew, but it was something that I just couldn't talk about. But, I would try to help them with the other question.

"I don't know why Sesshoumaru came to get me. Or why he took me to his home."

Sango looked at me and nodded and turned to ask Kaede if she knew why. Miroku sat silent as Kaede said she could remember something, but only tiny pieces which she could not string together. The matter was left at that and with the fire still burning, we all fell asleep on the floor of Kaede's hut.

It was three days after my return that I gathered enough courage to go to present day Tokyo and tell my family what had happened. I dreaded it because it would mean I would have to live through telling a story that made my heart empty once again.

Through some miracle, Grandpa, Mama, and Souta were all there when I got to the shrine. Mama immediately knew something was wrong. She gazed at me with questioning eyes, but waited until Grandpa and Souta had gone to bed after dinner. She stood, washing dishes, handing them to me to dry.

"Kagome-"

"He's dead. Inuyasha's dead." There was a deafening shatter as a platter hit the kitchen floor. I squeezed my eyes tight.

"Oh, Kagome!" She grabbed me and hugged me tightly, her hand stroking my hair. We stood like that for what seemed like an eternity, one that I didn't want to end. When the warmth stopped trickling down my cheeks and the hiccupping slowed down, she pulled back and looked at me tenderly.

"How? No, not now, tell me when you're ready." I smiled sadly at her. Only Mama could understand like that. I hugged her tightly.

"That's not all, Mama. It was taken, too."

"What do you mean, Kagome?" Mama stepped back and watched as I lifted up my clothing to reveal the long scar that ran across my stomach. She gasped, understanding fully what had happened.

"Oh, Kagome, dear. Kagome."

Mama took it badly. I think partially because she had wanted grandchildren so bad, but also because she knew how much pain I had gone and was going through. She had lost my father. But Mama wasn't alone-she had Grandpa, Souta, and myself. But then, I wasn't really alone, either. So why did it feel like it?

Mama said she would tell Souta and Grandpa herself if I wished. I was thankful that, once again, she understood. Although, there was one thing that she said which made me hurt, because I didn't want to believe it.

"Once you have mourned and shed your tears, you must be strong, Kagome. Life is not meaningful if it is only full of misery. You have to make your misery lead somewhere. It will take a long time, Kagome. I know how much you loved him, but you must always remember this-Inuyasha would have wanted you to go on and most importantly, he would have wanted you to be happy. You have to realize this eventually, but for now, you must cope with the sadness and I know these words will mean nothing. Just be strong, Kagome, like the daughter I know."

Mama was right and wrong. I knew Inuyasha would want me to be happy, but Inuyasha was what made me happy. I knew that I must be strong, but it was so, so hard. Sometimes, it felt like it just grew harder and harder and would never stop. I missed him with all my being. My heart and body ached for his smile, his presence. I had to be strong, so why did I feel so weak? Mama whispered into my ear that if I did not feel weak, I would not be human. My sadness and weakened state were just a sign of how much I loved Inuyasha and I should take that knowledge and use it to continue. And I knew she was right. Mama was always right.

Mama insisted that I see a doctor about the old wound on my stomach, which didn't make sense since it had already healed, but I did it just to make her happy. I stayed at home for a week, but began to feel anxious. Home would always feel like home, but I no longer had my school and friends in modern Tokyo. I thought about just staying with Mama and Souta and Grandpa, but in the end, it didn't seem right. I would continue the life that Inuyasha and I had set up for myself and mourn his death, but live in our memories. I had to go back to the Sengoku Jidai. Somehow, I knew that my future was held in the past.

When I returned to Kaede's village, Sango asked if I would like to live with her and Miroku. I gratefully declined the offer, knowing how much Miroku valued alone time. Besides, my sadness should not interrupt their happiness. I wouldn't wish that upon them, ever. With Miroku's and one or two of the village peoples' help, my and Inuyasha's house had been reconstructed during my absences and Sango had kept it clean and tidy. I was more thankful than they would ever know and I could tell by the smiles on their faces that they were pleased with my gratitude. Shippou practically lived with me, just like old times. He wouldn't let me out of his sight for less than five minutes. Sadly, I wondered if he thought I would leave him like Inuyasha did. I knew that, despite how they fought, Inuyasha had been a father figure to the small kitsune. I was not the only one who had received a great loss. This disturbed and comforted me.

Sango insisted that I help her and Miroku in their demon extermination, but I reclined the offer. I chose instead to read or work in the small garden Shippou and I planted, not unlike the one outside of Kaede's hut. I bathed everyday, never quite feeling clean. I would wake up in the middle of the night with warm streaks on my cheeks and wrists that were red and raw. During the day, I occupied myself however I could if my eyes were too tired of books, or if I finished early in the garden. Kaede taught me how to make a miko's robes and I soon had one of my own, though there was no use for it. Every night, I would tuck in the sleeping Shippou, into my old, comfy sleeping bag that had gone through so much. I would stay awake and sit on the front of the hut and look up at the stars. Vaguely, I remembered looking up at such night skies with Inuyasha and wondered if anywhere, where he was and if he could see me. Would he be smiling?

I thought I was getting better; I could go longer without hour-long bouts of sadness, as I busied myself more. But, one night my entire sleep was pervaded with the repeating dream of Inuyasha's death. I didn't realize what this had done to me until Shippou came up to me while I was gardening.

"Kagome-okasan, who're you talking to?" He looked at me worriedly and I stared at him for a minute, wondering what he was talking about then was struck with realization. I shook my head and muttered "Nobody, Shippou-chan! I was just singing to myself!", with a happy smile, but on the inside I felt scared. I didn't want to lose myself again. Not like before. That night, I held Tetsusaiga close to my chest and fell into a dreamless sleep.

The next day, Sango and Miroku asked me once again if I would like to help them exterminate a demon. I replied that I did not wish to, but then they looked at each other. I wondered if Shippou had told them what had happened the day before. Were they worried about my sanity?

"Kagome, we have something to tell you." Sango said slowly. I feared what words would come from her lips. "You see, well, I'm pregnant." A huge smile crossed her face, a grin spread across Miroku's, and I beamed at both of them. I hugged Sango tight, careful to mind her stomach.

"That's so wonderful!! I shouted happily and hugged her again. "Miroku, you pervert!" I hugged him too. "Congratulations." I smiled and nodded at them, thinking of how fine of a family they would make. I wondered if the baby would be a perv or a princess.

"Well, Kagome-chan.", Miroku cleared his throat. "Being as we will need a bit of extra help, we decided to ask you again if you wished to aid us in exterminating demons. Would you-"

"Of course, I'd be glad." I smiled and hugged them again.

It was only in my own home that night, gazing up at the stars, that I wondered why everyone else was allowed such happiness when mine had been taking so suddenly and cruelly from me. Sango and Miroku could have a child. Of course, I had Shippou, and now he meant everything in the world to me, but he was not my own, was not even human, and he would outgrow and outlive his adopted human mother. I couldn't help but feel that I was useless to him except for right at that moment. He would leave me and I would have nothing. I was happy, no, overjoyed, for Sango and Miroku, but in a dark corner of my mind, I wondered 'why them and not me', then shoved the thought as far away as I could.

Sango was growing, you could see it, if only barely. I had been helping them with their profession for a while, and had to admit that it took my mind of everything, the heat of battle. In my self-made robes and clutching my bow, I stood by their side, protecting Sango, though she still hardly needed it. Her movements had only slowed slightly, but otherwise, she was still the hard fighter.

After defeating the demon, we made camp near a river that was outside of the village we had been hired at. Sango and Miroku sat around the fire, Shippou cuddled up next to Kirara who sat near Sango, more protective than ever. Armed with my bow and arrows, Tetsusaiga strapped around my waist, I set off for a walk to the river. The woods were quiet and still which I found that odd, but these woods were different than those of Inuyasha's forest. I tread quietly and gazed up through the canopy of the trees. The rich greens of the trees scattered throughout the forests that had once been so breathtaking and so majestic now just seemed ancient and secretive. They seemed to whisper of how they would last forever and how a human was not even a tick on the watch of time. They spoke silently of bad omens, death, defeat of a person so easily broken as me. I paid them no attention, but could not stop my ears and block out what they confided, schemed.

I began to feel ill and the river was not looking as inviting, so I turned around to head back to camp only to find an angel standing behind me. I blinked once. Anyone could have mistaken him for an angel, the way the light was filtering through the leaves and glowing about his white-clad form. Anyone slightly loose that is. I mentally punished myself for being tricked by light in a land where youkai and dark priestesses could not surprise or outwit me.

We stood there for far too long a period of time just to be standing there. He was making me edgy.

"Hello, Sesshoumaru. What brings the mighty lord to these parts?" He was silent for so long that I thought he would not answer me or that perhaps he was a cardboard cutout, just like everyone else, that would tip over softly when I touched it. Then he spoke, a calm, but not calculated, cool tone that made me at ease and put me on edge at the same time.

"You are nearly in the territory that I preside and watch over. Inuyasha will have his forest, and I will have mine. I was merely on a routine check", he said without barely making an attempt. Every movement was easy, precise, smooth. He was perfectly fit for the killing machine which he most likely was, though other imperfections weighed quite heavily enough to counterbalance this. There was almost a fake quality about him, I thought silently. He was sincere, but a lie. Is that possible? I saw that Sesshoumaru was different from what he appeared, I could sense a different, real him, but what that real him was, I did not know and did not know if I would like to know it.

"OK, then. I'm going to go back to my friends then. Good luck….patrolling….", I said with a small wave, smile absent. I adjusted my quiver of arrows and doubled back the way I had come when he appeared in front of me, blocking my way only slightly, still I heard him out. I waited for him to speak, looking into his eyes that were so like Inuyasha's but so different. And waited.

"Listen. I'd love to have a staring contest for the rest of the day, but I have to get back, they'll worry." I sad softly, trying to maintain my patience. He just stood there for another minute but finally looked down at me pointedly.

"You have yet to return Tetsusaiga to me." He said quietly, his gaze frozen, warm liquid gold. Beautiful eyes, they both had, but Inuyasha had never looked at me like this.

"I wasn't ready to. You didn't say when, so I was planning on returning it after we were done with this trip. Plus, it was Inuyasha's. Why do you have it anyway? He was my husband," I said, growing more and more impatient. "I'll give it back to you , but, reasonably, you should have to ask me for it." I was growing angry and I didn't know why. The only feeling I had felt since Inuyasha's death was grief. Perhaps it had all gathered and now I was trying to take it out on Sesshoumaru?

To my astonishment, Sesshoumaru rubbed the bridge of his nose and I could almost hear him sigh. I had to admit, I was surprised. He almost seemed…tired.

"Rin will not stop her bothering or persistence until she sees you again. It's inconceivably distracting."

Ah, the truth came out. With the mention of Rin, my whole body seemed to ease. I took a deep breath, remembering the cute bobbing ponytail and the big, bright eyes.

"Alright, then. I'll come visit her. When does she want to see me?" I could finish this extermination job then take a bit of a trip. It would help keep my mind off things. Yes, it would be a great help and a welcome escape.

"I quote her words- " 'right now' ," he stated, apparently thoroughly annoyed. It seemed that even the mighty Sesshoumaru built of stone could not refuse his ward. I was a bit shocked, but somehow not as much as I should have been. My mind searched for reason, a plan that would not anger a youkai lord, but allow me to help my friends.

"I can't right now, Sesshoumaru. I have to help my friends-uh, with a job." I caught myself before letting the information that I was slaying demons slip, though I doubted he would care. I felt my mood slipping and began to feel angry for an unknown reason. In my head I argued that I could not be on call to his every whim. But it wasn't his whim, was it? How could I refuse Rin. Like this, that's how.

"Sorry, but I have other things to tend to that a bit more…needy at this moment. They require my attention." I looked him straight in the eye while saying this and I think for a moment he was slightly shifted out of his completely stone makeup. But I was mistaken, if only slightly.

"You are merely exterminating demons with your companions, demons I might add, that belong to my kind. Should you be pleased if I were to journey and kill random humans that caused me trouble? I should think not. But, I care not what you do. I merely require your presence so that I may rid myself of an unimaginable headache. You were to return anyways."

"Yes, you're right, but I can't just abandon my friends right here, right now," I attempted to reason to him, thought I could not look him in the eye. I started to feel a small pain in my stomach when I looked at the color of his eyes and silver hair.

"I will allow you to inform them of where you are going if you are quick," he said, annoyance ringing in the tone of his voice. Was he bargaining with me?

"Look, that is kind of you, but the answer is no. After we're done with our trip I will come and play with Rin all she likes. I have to go now." I turned after waving goodbye to him and left, heading back into the darkening woods which I noticed were slightly quieter than usual.

I, Sesshoumaru, had been refused. I am not a youkai of such an ego that this thoroughly irked me, and yet it was an odd feeling. I had even made the order in a form of a request. Never would I make that mistake again. I was never refused. She had turned her back on me also, after refusing me-a dangerous and further degrading action, though I was sure she was not aware of it. I should have killed her, but for numerous reasons I didn't. Rin was growing impatient without the 'new blood' she had tasted and it had been more than a moon's cycle and the Kagome girl hadn't returned. I knew she would take her precious time, but that was disrespectful and daring. And there was the fact that she was duty and it was simple to watch something which you could not see. She would not refuse my request.

The group was eating their dinner-some soggy, yellow substance in a bowl, and talking softly when I approached, hidden in the shadows, undetectable.

"Sesshoumaru?" It was her voice, that Kagome, who had sensed me first when none should have been able to. I had masked my youki to all. I stepped from the edge of the forest, into the glaring firelight, scanning the forms of the three humans and two small youkai.

"Ah, Sesshoumaru-sama," Miroku bowed his head slightly. "we have not been in your presence for quite some time now. Do you bring news?"

I looked at the houshi, pinning him with my eyes. There was something hidden and sly about this man that I did not like, though he seemed to emanate only a positive energy. I knew from experience that he was no threat unless the hole in his hand was opened. I looked at all of them for a moment, then fixed my gaze on Kagome.

"I require your companion's presence regarding a number of certain problems."

It was the woman taijiya's turn to speak now. I did not know her name, but I could sense that she was with child and knew that the cat demon belonged to her.

"With all due respect, we need Kagome right now, and, well, you're not someone I would let Kagome go with without a thought. You helped us destroy Naraku, but you also schemed with him from what I heard. We'd prefer to not loan our friend out to someone like us." Kagome looked at her friends, slightly amazed. No doubt the woman was more protective being that she was with child.

"I told you, Sesshoumaru. I'll come as soon as I can. You will just have to do with that," Kagome stated, standing up to her full height which was still pathetically small in comparison to my own. The steely look in her eyes, however, was formidable and I questioned where she got her strength from-maybe some untapped source. However, her little feat was beaten with the rising of the houshi. He walked over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Kagome, if it is an important matter, Sango and I will be fine without you for one time; we were for quite a while, after all. We are able to watch after ourselves. Go ahead." He turned then to me and looked me straight in the face pointedly. "Assuming Sesshoumaru promises that you will not be hurt in any way and will return to us how you left."

"But-" Kagome argued strenuously.

"How about this Sesshoumaru, we'll turn her over to you as long as she comes back unharmed in any way, and you do not leave until tomorrow comes. Last time she was taken for quite a while. We'd like one more night with her."

So it was that I found a tall tree and sat down beneath it to wait the night out. The companions talked of indistinct, unimportant matters and smiled too much for my liking, but I sat silently, watching the forest when the humans had fallen asleep.

Kagome was sleeping with the kitsune in some odd form of blanket and the others were resting as well when I sensed a presence I did most wish not to meet. I moved from my spot beneath the tree. I debated whether to wake the woman or leave her be. I decided on leaving her, knowing that she would cause a debacle if she were awake when we left. The sun's rays were just peaking over the horizon. It was morning I noted, never one to go back on my word. I picked up the woman in the strange sleeping device and took to the sky, a feat only made more taxing by the absence of my left arm, for which I thanked Inuyasha. However, I am not one to be deterred by such small obstacles and I was gone into the night, hoping to reach my home before encountering those I would rather not deal with. The woman alone would be problem enough when she woke.

Halfway to my home, my thoughts settled and I realized that not only had I brought Kagome, but also that runt of a kitsune who had rolled to the bottom of the blanket-like contraption the woman was sleeping in. I gazed at it and saw that the little brat was nestled at the bottom, between Kagome's feet, sleeping on as if it was quite natural. I berated myself for not recognizing this sooner and debated whether I should just drop the fox brat and continue on with Kagome. Reason, however, thought better of it. The woman would already be in a right mood when she discovered I had taken her from her friends before she could explain. The knowledge that I had thrown out the kitsune would only worsen her state. I left the fur ball cuddled at Kagome's feet, invisible to all. The woman herself had hardly stirred except for the slight parting of her lips from time to time as she breathed. She slept like the dead and I wondered how she had not been killed by nearly any demon that could raise a claw. And from my knowledge, Inuyasha, being only half demon, also slept during the night. How any of their pathetic little group had lived this long, I could not imagine. Perhaps it was a good idea that I come to retrieve her. One more night with that hanyou runt and she was nearly as good as dead.

For the first time, I actually turned my attention fully upon the woman. True, she was pretty in a wild, foreign way, with her black waves, sun-touched but fragile skin, and small but strong body, but she was nothing extraordinary. I could, however, see how a base animal like Inuyasha could find her attractive, but I could not see the resemblance between her and the dead priestess that Inuyasha had first courted. I had heard quite a time before that this Kagome girl was the supposed reincarnation of that Kikyo, though the similarities that seemed so obvious to others did not show themselves to me. The Kikyo woman had been sure of herself, unwavering, and for all appearances, empty. She was more respectable, yet only Inuyasha could find something worth loving in her. This Kagome was completely different in many aspects. She was unsteady, strong-willed, disrespectful, and, heaven forbid, lively. I had kept tabs from time to time on the excursions and happenings within Inuyasha's group, maintaining that nothing got out of hand, and most likely knew more than they had all thought I knew. I wondered how Kagome had taken her being compared to a creature that was so different than she.

I looked down at her form once again, her face and shoulders the only truly visible thing to me, as her body was wrapped in that blanket. I was suddenly taken by the stark contrast, the very juxtaposition this small woman posed. In the hours of the day I had seen her after Inuyasha's death, she had been unresponsive, unmoving, unseeing of the world around her. I had read this in the way she moved, talked, and held herself. Yet, while she slept, her body was eased and her frown loosened until she was only still. Still and clear, like a book that had been cleaned of years of dust that weighed it down. She was silent, her body relaxed, her face calm. She looked astoundingly peaceful. Then all at once, her brow furrowed, her head tossed and she gritted her teeth, whispering words that could not be heard, biting on her lip. She had evolved sickly from a state of calmness to one of pain within seconds as she fought away whatever it was she saw as she slept.

She was alone in her idiotic grief and it was her own personal prison, hers alone. I wondered if she was prisoner in the cage because she could not escape, was not allowed to, or if she was prisoner in the cage she had built because she would not have it any other way. Deep inside of her, did she wish for this torment? Was she punishing herself? But most importantly, did she know she wished for it, needed to punish herself? Perhaps I was reading too deeply into a simple human feeling of loss. Perhaps I was giving her too much depth and a meaning that she could not hold. She was, after all, just a human woman.

"…We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl

Year after year…"

-Wish you were here, Pink Floyd