Chapter 18

"So, I tried to track down Chloe, but apparently she has the ability to make her self invisible." Clark smiled. He knew what Lana was trying to do. Ease the moment. Break the tension--make him feel more comfortable. Suddenly she became serious. "I'm sorry, Clark. I know you wanted us both to be here. I'm not really sure what's going on with Chloe."

Clark suddenly remembered Lana wasn't psychic. "Oh Chloe... yeah... she's..." He started to point up to the loft, and then stopped. How could he explain this? "She's here. There, actually."

"Chloe's here?" Lana started to walk towards the loft. In her nervousness, she didn't even notice Chloe's car in the driveway. Well, that and it was dark.

Clark jumped in Lana's way. "Actually, I'm giving her a minute." Lana looked up at him. "She needed to recover." He immediately knew what that sounded like. "No, Lana-- I didn't tell her before I told you."

Lana was indifferent. "However you want to do this, Clark."

Clark looked down. "I wanted you both to hear it at the same time."

"Okay. Then we'll wait for..." she just realized what Clark had told her. "What does Chloe have to recover from?"

Clark shifted feet. At least he could tell her this part.

"He's not going to tell us, Lana."

Lana and Clark both looked behind them. Chloe started again. "I heard him talking with his dad."

Chloe just looked at Clark for a moment—half expecting an explanation. Clark was growing nervous again. "You heard us talking?"

"The loft is 30 feet away from where you were sitting, Clark. So after I got done crying from me pouring my heart out to you and sharing something really personal-- which obviously meant nothing-- I heard the last bit of your conversation." Chloe was mad again.

Clark grabbed her arm as she walked by, hoping to keep her there. "Chloe—then you know why I can't tell you!"

"I'm going home-- to the one place where I can go and sit and eat ice cream and forget there's such a thing as best friends." She paused. "Or at least forget there's such a thing as Clark Kent." Clark let go of her. That hurt him-- more than he thought it would.

"I'll see you at home, Lana."

Lana watched Chloe walk off before turning back towards Clark. She didn't want to ask this question... not again. Gratefully Clark spoke first, so she didn't have to.

"Lana—look... I know you think you're ready to know everything, but..." Clark saw the look in Lana's eyes and it scared him. He tried to gather his thoughts from the past couple of days—something about the world and potatoes being paralyzed...

Now Lana was mad. "Clark-- you promised."

"And I had every intention of telling you... at the time." Lana looked away. "Lana, you have no idea what you'd be up against." This time he was borrowing words from his dad. He hoped it would work. "Lana, you could get killed. I could never live with myself if that happened to you." Clark watched Lana, trying to guess how she was feeling. Well, he didn't have to guess—he knew she was mad. "Lana..." he tried to find some kind of solace. He finally looked down. "I'm sorry." There was nothing he could say. He finally started towards his house.

Lana stepped forward, blocking his escape. "Clark, there is one thing I can't understand."

Clark stepped back and gave her a questioning look.

"I don't understand why you think that telling me puts me in more danger than not telling me. I don't understand how you don't think it's my right to decide how much danger I'm put in."

"Lana," Clark interrupted her, "I've already explained..."

"Okay, then maybe what I really can't understand is how you can keep keeping this secret all to yourself for the rest of your life when you can barely handle it now. "

"I'll figure it out," Clark shot back in his defense.

Lana was unscathed. "The funny thing about secrets is they get heavier as you go on. One day you're going to explode. It's going to get so heavy you're going to have to tell someone. And when that happens I'm not going to be there, and Chloe won't be there, or Lex, and then you'll have to tell someone who doesn't know you or care for you like we do. What's going to happen then, Clark? Who's going to help you then?"

Clark didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. Part of him knew she was right, but he just couldn't deal with that right now. He was tired. That's what he really wanted to say. He was tired of having to keep this secret. He was tired of being a high school student. He was tired of all the weird things that happened in Smallville, and he knew it was just the beginning of the rest of his life. He didn't want to keep this secret—he wasn't very fond of the burden himself—but he couldn't just tell Lana. Once it was out, it was out. You can't get it back, and you can't control it. You can't even control other's reactions to it. It wasn't as though this were a daydream where if you didn't like the consequences you could change your mind and start over. These were real people, with real lives and real emotions, and while that's what he loved about life, it's also what hurt so much.

Lana watched him lost in his thoughts for a moment. Finally she shrugged and sighed, "I don't know what else to say to you, Clark."

Clark hung his head. The funny thing about secrets is they get heavier as you go on. How true that was. When he first learned the truth it wasn't hard to keep. He didn't want anyone else to know. Now he did. At first he just wanted to be normal. Now he wanted to be accepted.
Again Lana interrupted his thoughts.

"Okay then." She swung her arms so he would know she was exasperated. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I should tell her. Just tell her. All of Clark's emotions came back in overload. He watched her slowly walk away. I need to tell her. "Lana?" he heard himself say. Lana stopped midtracks and turned towards him. I can tell her. I want to tell her, Clark thought. I might regret telling her. He knew in the heat of the moment he was excited and would tell her everything—but the moment would pass. His adrenaline wouldn't be this high forever, and by then it would be too late.

Lana could see in his hesitation and expression he was fighting himself over this again. She had seen it so often in him before. Every time he got close to telling her, he would talk himself out of it. She had to keep him talking, not thinking. "Clark?" She asked walking over to him, "Is there something you wanted to tell me?"

Go home, go to bed. In the morning it will be easier. You'll be glad you didn't tell her. Or at least you'll have more time to think about it.

"Clark?"

Clark broke from his thoughts. He'd have to say something to her soon. "I... um..." he started. Lana looked up at him, eyes hopeful. Clark took a step back. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow, too."

Lana felt the hope drain away in her face. She smiled angrily. He did it once again. After all her talk of him not being able to carry his load, she realized she couldn't do this forever, either. She turned to him one last time. "You know Clark," Lana replied, "I won't keep asking forever." And with that she turned around, got in her car, and drove away, leaving Clark alone in the dark with his thoughts.

One day you'll explode, and you'll have to tell someone, and I won't be there, and Chloe won't be there, or Lex, and then you'll tell someone who doesn't know you as well... The thoughts kept racing in his mind. He just gave up the perfect opportunity to tell one of his closest friends his deepest secret. If he hurried he could still catch her. Maybe run up to her car and lift the wheels off the ground like he did with Pete. Then they could sit in the car and he'd tell her everything. But he didn't. He didn't because he realized why he just gave up the perfect opportunity to tell his friend the truth—with all his thoughts of putting them in danger or them not being ready, he realized he was not ready. He was scared. All his friends might look at him differently, and then he would really be alone, and he really wasn't ready for the risk. He might loose. But even in the process of thinking this, he wasn't sure how much longer he could go on. "I guess I'll see what happens tomorrow," he thought. And with that he turned back towards his house.

The End

Evil, I know... but there has to be something for the sequel

Thanks, guys-- without you,I would never have finished it. Might not have even started it. Or posted it. Well, I guess you have to start it before you post it, but yeah... and once more for old times sake-- That's your dedicated smiley!