Later on in the common room, Remus, Sirius and Peter's game of exploding snap was interrupted by a soft cough. Remus turned around.

'What are you doing here?' he asked the young red haired woman. 'Aren't you supposed to be on patrol?'

'We alternate nights.' said Lily, sitting down on an armchair.

'Well, aren't you supposed to be in your own common room?'

'It's a bit lonely.' said Lily. She shook her head. 'Anyway, I just came to talk to you about James.' she said. A smile appeared on Sirius' face.

'Oh, yeah. What did you want to say about "James"?'

'What happened to him at the end of last term, and over the holidays. And why he was crying today on the train.' said Lily, ignoring Sirius' teasing.

'Did he say something about what happened?' asked Remus, suspiciously.

'Well, yeah.' said Lily. 'He told me. But not all the details.' Sirius choked.

'Not...not all the details?' he said.

'No. And I just wanted to know them.' said Lily, matter-of-factly. Remus stared at her.

'I can't believe he told you.'

'Why?' asked Lily. The others didn't reply. 'Well, I just wanted to know the details.'

'Why?' Remus asked. Lily shrugged.

'We'll be living in pretty close proximity. I thought it'd be good for me to know.'

Sirius shook his head. 'Why do you want to know details? Do you...even care about James?'

'It wasn't that big a deal...was it?' Sirius stood up quickly, a furious look on his face. He pointed a shaking finger at Lily.

'IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF IS A VERY BIG DEAL-'

'Hang on, what?' Lily interrupted Sirius' roars. 'He...he tried to kill himself?'

Sirius blinked. 'You...you didn't know?' Lily stared at him, dumbfounded, and shook her head.

'No.......no.......he just told me...he was sick.......I wanted to know.......what he had...' Lily said. Sirius gulped, and sat down quickly, breathing heavily. Remus gave a small smile.

'Gotcha.' he said. Lily stared at him. She looked angrily to Sirius, expecting him to burst out into laughter. However, he just stared at Remus. Finally, he seemed to have cottoned on, and he looked back at Lily, a very forced smile upon his face.

'Joking...just joking.' he said. Lily stared at him, then shook her head.

'No, you weren't. You...you weren't.......oh my God...' Lily said, holding a shaking hand up to her mouth. Her face was contorted with confusion and slow comprehension; fear and compassion.

'Yes, we were.' said Remus firmly, his smile gone.

'So...so that's why he missed those final classes...why he didn't play the Quidditch final...why he's so...different...why he was crying...why...' she broke off, looking horrified. A tear fell down her cheek.

'I thought you hated him.' said Sirius, bitterly. Lily slowly shook her head.

'Why?' she asked, and they knew it wasn't Sirius' judgement she was questioning. Sirius and Remus exchanged glances.

Flashback

Sirius and Remus sat on either sides of the bed, tension and exhaustion clear in both their bodies. They had, clasped in their hands, James' hands. It felt almost natural to them now; they had hardly left his side. They had been there almost two whole days. Professor McGonagall had given them special permission to miss classes, though they hardly noticed the privilege. They hardly noticed time slipping away.

They looked into each other's eyes, seeing the same fear and worry mirrored in each other's faces. They looked down at James. His black hair was matted, and drenched in sweat, plastered down on his marble white face. His lips were purple, and cut. His brow was furrowed, and his eyelids were batting like crazy- terrible, terrible dreams. His frail body writhed in his bed, his ivy veins clearly visible beneath his pearly skin. He had lost a lot of weight; he was but a shadow of his former self.

Sirius looked back up at Remus, who had his head in his hand, crying softly. Sirius watched his pearly tears cascade down his pale cheeks. He sighed, and looked back down at James, and saw he was crying, again, too. Many times he had cried, and each time Sirius and Remus had waited eagerly, hoping it was a sign he would awaken, but each time they were disappointed. James was still in his nightmares.

Sirius sighed, and reached down, stroking James' tear stained face. Suddenly, James' bloodshot eyes flung open wide. Sirius' breath caught in his throat.

'James.' he whispered, and felt tears welling in his eyes. James closed his eyes, and opened them slowly, a hollow, anguished, sickened look upon them. He stared around the room, looking straight through his friends, oblivious to their hoarse cries of joy. He looked beside his bed, and saw a vase of flowers – white lilies.

'Lilies...' he muttered, sounding revolted. He clenched his teeth and knocked the vase down with as much force as he could muster, the vase crashing and splitting into a million pieces upon hitting the floor. James looked down at himself, the deepest look of disgust upon his face. He suddenly began to gag, and, as a final tear fell down his cheek, he vomited the feeble remains left in his stomach all over himself. He threw his head back upon his pillow and began to cry softly, his sobs racking his feeble body. He began to mutter, incomprehensibly.

'Shhh...' said Sirius softly, stroking James' hand. James flung him away. As Sirius picked himself up off the ground, he found James' begs to die not as hard to understand. He also noticed the cuts along James' arms were of a pattern. A very pretty flower stared at him across the room, a very familiar name carved underneath.

End of Flashback

Sirius ran his hand unconsciously through his hair, and shrugged slowly.

'We're not sure.' he said, his eyes never leaving Remus'.

'You are his friends, aren't you? Surely you must have some idea?' Lily cried. Sirius looked up at Lily, nervously, urging his brain to think.

'Well...' said Sirius, mouthing wordlessly, unable to think of anything to say.

'We think we know.' said Remus, slowly, not meeting Lily's eyes. Lily looked confused, then her eyes opened wide.

'It wasn't...it wasn't me, was it?' she asked, horrified.

'Of course not, why would it be, guilty conscience?' snapped Sirius. Lily stared at him.

'I think what Sirius meant to say was that it wasn't you, there's no need to worry.'

'Not that there's anything to worry about, of course, because it's all a joke.' said Peter quietly behind them. The others ignored him.

'I mean he did...does...think about you a lot-' began Remus.

'Every fuckin second of the day.' Sirius muttered, interrupting.

'But we don't think you caused him to...well, to do what he did.' said Remus, lying through his teeth. Lily stayed silent.

'So you can see why I got...upset when you demanded details of something that "wasn't a big deal."' said Sirius finally. Lily nodded.

'Listen, Lily,' said Remus, leaning forward, giving Lily a piercing look, 'You mustn't speak to anyone about this.'

'Not even James.' put in Sirius.

'Especially not James.' Remus agreed. Lily nodded fervently.

'Of...of course not.' she stammered. 'Why would I?'

'I don't know...revenge for all those times he admitted his feelings for you?' said Sirius. Lily stared at him., and another tear fell down her cheek.

'Why,' she choked, 'Would I want revenge for...' but she trailed off. 'I didn't hate him because he had a...a...a crush on me.' she whispered. Sirius laughed bitterly.

'A crush?' he said mockingly. 'A crush?'

'Calm down, Sirius.' said Remus, but Sirius shook his head.

'No. No. I will not calm down. No wonder he tried to fuckin...commit suicide...the girl of his dreams, the love of his life, the blood in his very veins thinks it's just a crush! My fucking arse it's just a crush! Why can't anyone see true love these days, even if it's staring at them right in the face! JESUS!' he bellowed, and, casting a swift look at Remus, stormed away.

Remus stared after him, baffled by his strange behaviour.

'What was that all about?'

'He didn't love me.' Lily whispered, ignoring Remus' comment and staring straight at him. He sighed. 'Did he?' Remus looked back at Lily.

'He liked you quite a bit.' he said quietly. More than life itself, he added to himself.

'Does Sirius...do you?' Lily quivered.

'What, love you?'

'No. Think that...I was the reason...' but she trailed off.

Remus took Lily's hand. 'No.' he said, firmly. He didn't need another emotionally unstable Head. 'No, I don't. James was going through a bit of a rough patch, but,' he added, looking at Lily avidly, enunciating his words particularly carefully, 'He's fine now. Don't act any differently around him, don't be afraid of him. He's still the same old James in there.'

Lily sighed, and nodded. 'I just, still can't believe...' she trailed off, looking slightly lost. Remus nodded softly.

'We were all a bit stunned. But he's fine now.' Lily looked confused.

'Why...why was he crying on the train then?'

'He was crying?' asked Remus, alert.

'Yeah. He just...broke down, on my shoulder.' said Lily. Remus brought a quivering hand up to his eyes and rubbed them harshly.

'I'm not sure. I suppose...things like that, emotions, feelings that he must have had...they don't just go away over night. He's probably still dealing with...' he stopped, seemingly fishing for a word, 'Conflicts,' he decided, 'Within his...head.'

Lily nodded, and then reluctantly, almost ashamedly, yawned. Remus sighed.

'You must be tired. Go to bed, get some sleep. Don't read too much into it...him.'

Lily laughed softly. 'I wasn't planning on it.'

Remus scrutinized Lily carefully. 'No. I don't suppose you were.'