A/N : Woah, it still astounds me that this fic has so many reviews. 740?! My God, you people must be even crazier than me! But I think you're all awesome and I love that you all take the time to read and review. Thanx to; naiya-isis, Freezyboncoolipants, rubi-elektra, Spuffyfan4eva, Katie, sPIKEanDmE, Arisluv, Steph, wicked-angel3, kori hime, Screeching Dragon, spikeswife1, CraZy4SpikE09, Eurika, Lady Savage, pixiecorn, Lucky-112, Bridge, ms trick, MaidenRo, Moluvsnumber17, SSWBA, Mullocks, PainIsLove, Cady Monroe, theoneandonlygurl, Lindsay, MikiBaby, kita, velja, i heart u, XxsarahxX, JadedxVampire21, Princess Consuela, Moonglow13, BiWiccanPrincess. Here's the new chapter!
(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 24

Of course Buffy knew Spike had killed people, hundreds of people, just as Angel had, but hearing that he'd been the murderer of the only other woman to go through what she was experiencing now, it was a little too much to take in.

"Buffy?" she hadn't spoken for fully five minutes and Spike was concerned. He reached out a hand to her arm and she flinched away violently. That hurt more than he could ever say.

"I need you to go" she said, not looking at him, "Just, I can't have you this close, I can't..." she was getting upset, more than he could bear and he quickly got out of the bed and headed for the door.

"I'll take the couch, no problem" he lied, knowing it was a problem. He hated that she couldn't even look at him now. He knew this would change things, that's why he hadn't said anything up to now.

The truly awful thing was knowing just how far Buffy would've let him go tonight if he'd have kept his big gob shut! Spike was frustrated and angry, and positive he wouldn't be getting much in the way of sleep tonight. He loved this woman, she was having his kid, and she was two steps away from letting him take her to heaven and back, and the whole thing had got completely ballsed up! And for what? he asked himself. All this because he couldn't bear to lie to her. He sighed as he sat down on the sofa and put his head in his hands.

For ten minutes he sat there going over and over it in his mind. Trying to figure out how his unlife had taken such a turn. How he'd gone from Slayer-killing Master Vampire to handicapped and housebroken father-to-be of the current Chosen One's child. He hadn't fed off a human in months, some vampire he turned out to be. He hadn't had a decent shag since the spell that had gotten Buffy pregnant, and yet when it was offered to him on a plate, he'd turned it down, for the sake of telling a truth that was pretty much irrelevant, it happened so long ago.

Spike let out a painful laugh.

"I am such a stupid sod" he cursed himself, running his hands through his hair.

"No" said a soft voice from the bedroom doorway and he turned to see Buffy standing there, "No, you're not...if you were really so bad you wouldn't have told me the truth the way you did"

"Not so sure about that, pet" Spike shook his head, his gaze never leaving her form as she walked over to him and sat down in the armchair a couple of feet away.

"How long have you known?" she asked, looking down at her hands as her fingers fidgeted together.

"'Bout me murdering the other mother-Slayer?" he said too flippantly, "Since that night you had your scary dream, wanted me to hold you while you slept" he admitted, not able to look at her as he did so. He knew she probably wouldn't even have allowed him to do that if she knew the truth.

"You didn't know back then?" she asked quietly, "That she had a child?"

"I didn't know" he assured her, "though, honestly, probably wouldn't've made any difference" he shrugged, picking at the remains of black polish on his finger-nails.

Buffy was a little shocked by that and when she didn't speak for several moments, Spike looked over at her and saw that disgusted expression she did so well. As much as it hurt it angered him a little too.

"Don't give me that bloody awful look" he snapped, "You don't understand what it was like"

"Oh I understand" Buffy told him, trying to keep the tremble from her voice and the tears from her eyes, "You killed a woman, took a mother away from a small child..."

"Took away a lot of people's mothers" he said dangerously low, "Almost as many as Angelus" he couldn't resist bringing his grand-sire's own body count into this.

"At least he feels bad about it" she shot back, anger flashing in her eyes.

"Oh yeah" Spike yelled incredulously, "He feels soddin' awful doesn't he?" he waved his arm in emphatic gestures, "Gypsies stick a bleedin' conscience in the bastard and suddenly he's Mr Wonderful"

"Don't turn this around on Angel" Buffy told him sternly, "He never killed Slayers"

"Well, it wasn't for the want of trying!" Spike was getting angrier by the second, "Who do you think taught me everything I know? About torture, and evil, and death..."

"I don't want to hear this" the Slayer shook her head and made to stand up. Spike grabbed her hand.

"Well you're bloody well going to hear this" he told her as she smacked his hand away from her own. Her eyes flashed angrily as he glared back at her. If it wasn't for her condition and his chip, there was no doubt in either of their minds they'd be in major fight mode by now. As it was this would have to be settled with words.

"Okay" Buffy said once she gained some control over the violence that was raging inside her, "Explain to me how you can justify killing the only other woman to be in my situation" she said, settling back in the chair as she awaited his answer.

Spike looked at her for a while, the nasty scowl on his face dissolving slightly as he worked out how best to say what he needed to. The first words that fell from his lips into the silence were more than a little surprising to Buffy, though they shouldn't have been really.

"I don't justify it" the vampire told her, "I don't, because I don't have to, and I won't apologise either...because I'm not sorry" he said seriously as ever he'd said anything.

The Slayer's mouth fell open of it's own accord and she gaped at him.

"You're serious" she realised when he looked back at her without emotion.

"Deadly" he assured her, going on to explain further, "She was the Slayer, I'm a vampire. Fights like ours were always going to lead to death. It's always the same. It's your life or theirs, that's the choice we have. Survival instincts just refuse to let it to be yours"

Buffy realised she couldn't really argue with that. The Slayer was destined to kill vampires and demons. If she attacked them though they didn't just roll over and die, they had a reason for being too. No-one wanted to be killed, well no stable sensible person wanted that. Vampires were at least half human after all, and Spike it had seemed was even more than that, but now as he sat there and told her how much he didn't care about the death and suffering he'd caused, it made her feel sick.

"I know what you're saying makes sense" she admitted, "but I can't deal with the fact that you killed her and can't even care"

"There's a part of me that cares" he said suddenly, eyes boring into her once again, and despite the fact she wanted to look away, Buffy found she couldn't, "Same part of me that loves you, and I don't know what that is but, I feel bad for what I did because you don't approve, because it hurts you to know what I was"

"I already knew what you were" she said barely above a whisper, "I just...you made me forget, I think" she realised.

The more she'd gotten to know the man that Spike could be, she'd put all thoughts of the demon he had been out of her head. In some ways that was a good thing, learning to love what he was rather than what he used to be, but that demon still resided deep inside, even if it's escape would cause the man such pain, it was still there. One day, if the chip broke down or was removed, that demon could be free once again. Was it so sensible to forget what Spike was really capable of?

"I'm not going to lie to you, luv" his voice broke the silence, so much softer and sincere again now, "I did a lot of bloody damage in my day, caused a lot of pain and torment, and killed a lot of people" he explained, "They put this chip in my head and did me for good, they physically held me back from the killing...but even if it disappeared tomorrow, I don't think I could go back"

"Why?" she wondered aloud and he managed half a smile.

"Thought that was bleedin' obvious" he said, "You'd hate me, even more than you do now if I went back to my Big Bad evil habits, and for some screwed up reason, I just can't have you hating me anymore"

Tears she'd been trying to push back for so long finally fell from Buffy's eyes, cutting tracks down her cheeks. She wiped them away with her hand and sniffed.

"I don't hate you" she promised in a small voice, "but I can't...things can't be the same, not for a while at least" she tried to explain, "I need to process everything and...I think maybe it'd be better if you went back to sleeping on the couch for now" she suggested. Spike only nodded. He'd expected worse in some ways, at least she didn't hate him and that was start. He was still in one piece, no missing limbs or threats of a good staking, but he'd lost some of her trust and that affection she'd been getting for him. He could see in her eyes that things were going to be different from here on out, for a while at least.

- - - - - - -

"Master, we have news" one of Adam's vampire lackeys was practically bouncing with excitement when he returned to the lair, "the Slayer in town is not the original, she is the Rogue Slayer"

"Yes, I have heard of this" the hybrid nodded, "Two Slayers at one time, brought about by the death and resurrection of the first...this Rogue Slayer should be equally as strong as her predecessors"

"She's completely psycho!" the vampire explained excitedly, Adam as always remained calm.

"It is not important at this stage which Slayer is present, though when the time comes we will need the assistance of one" he considered, "In the meantime, keep a watch on the girl, and continue with your work" he dismissed the vampire who half-saluted before leaving the cave and heading back out into the dark night. He knew what his task was, the same as it had been for the past couple of weeks. Though Adam had never explained why he wanted as many demons as possible inside the Initiative, so that they could be a part of his plan, the vampire was too afraid to go against him after seeing several of his gang be killed for less by the larger demon.

What he really didn't understand was what part the Slayer played in all of this, either the blonde one, Buffy, or the Rogue they called Faith. With any luck this plan would lead to both their deaths in the end. With no Chosen One hanging around Sunnydale, it'd be party time for the vampire gangs.

For a while things had looked promising when Spike, known throughout the underworld for being a Slayer of Slayers, had returned to the Hellmouth, but he'd been neutered and now he fought at the Chosen One's side instead of against her. Hold on a sec, hadn't he disappeared just about the same time the blonde Slayer had?

The vampire was just about to turn back from the dark cemetary, to run back down the tunnels to tell his leader, Adam, what he had realised when a fist struck him across the face.

"Hey, so much for a quiet night" Faith grinned, "Well, y'know, I only get bored when you guys play nice" she told him as she kicked him on the crotch and brought him down.

There'd been a distinct lack of vampires when she'd patrolled the last few nights, unless you counted Angel who sometimes accompanied her, and Faith didn't. If the vamps weren't in the graveyards, then where the hell were they hanging?

- - - - - - -

It was past midnight, but Buffy had a phone call she needed to make. Spike had left the apartment ten minutes before with a tap on her bedroom door and a brief explanation called through that he needed some fresh air. Buffy knew it was bull, especially when you consider that vampires don't actually breathe, but she didn't argue. She was hurting, he was hurting, it was a whole big hurt-fest at the Santa Monica getaway tonight.

There was still one thing the Slayer needed to know and so she'd come out into the living room, picked up the phone and dialled a number she knew by heart. It felt as if it rang a million times before he picked it up, then finally the familiar voice asked groggily who was calling at such an hour.

"Giles, it's me" Buffy told him, and she could almost hear him snapping awake with panic.

"Buffy, is something wrong? Is it the baby or..." he began to ramble.

"Giles, breathe" she urged him, "I'm fine, I promise...I just have to ask you something" she told him, feeling a little stupid for getting him out of bed to do this. It wasn't as if it would change anything.

"Ask away" said her Watcher calmly, though inside he was going crazy with worry.

"I need to know" she began, "did you know that Spike killed the only other Slayer who was a mother?" she asked all in a rush, almost feeling as if she was accusing her father-figure of something awful, though of course she wasn't.

"I must confess I did Buffy" Giles said fairly guiltily, "I read it in the Watcher's Diaries of Bernard Crowley, but only a few days ago and I felt in such a terrible position, stuck between wanting you to know the truth and protecting you and..."

"Giles, it's okay" she interrupted his ramblings again, "I get why you didn't tell me and it's fine. We're good, I swear"

"Very well" he nodded to himself, grateful for small mercies "Out of interest, how did you find out yourself?"

"Spike told me" she said practically whispering. She really didn't like to think about it, and she certainly wasn't prepared to explain to Giles why he had told her, or what they'd been doing before the confession.

"Ah, yes, of course" Giles wasn't really sure why Spike would suddenly have told Buffy, but then he knew very little of what was happening between them...wherever they were, "Er, how are you?" he asked next, trying to work out in his sleep-deprived brain just how pregnant the girl would be by now, trying to picture how different she probably looked.

"As well as a pregnant Slayer can be" she said after a moment of silence, "To be honest I'm kinda missing killing the evil undead" she laughed lightly until she looked up and realised Spike and returned to the apartment. The look on his face wasn't pleasant and she wondered how much of her conversation he'd heard. As it was he'd caught just the tail end of that sentence 'killing the evil undead'.

"Anyway, I should go" she said into the phone, eyes remaining on Spike who stood staring back at her, "You need to sleep, I need to sleep, y'know night-time and everything" she managed to sound nonchalant enough that Giles just smiled and said goodnight, and reminded her to call anytime she needed anything.

As she hung up, Spike finally spoke.

"Watcher was it?" he asked with a tilt of his head, "Or one of your Scooby crew? Probably your boy Xander encouraging you to off me first chance you get, right?" he said somewhat nastily and Buffy looked away from the glare of his eyes.

"I hate you when you behave like this" she shook her head and he tried to control the sadness and anger that erupted in him.

"Like what?" he ground out and she looked back up with fire in her eyes.

"Like a jerk" she told him, pulling herself up from the sofa and getting in his face, "This is how you were before" she reminded him, "I hated you then, but you changed and I was starting to think maybe I..." she wavered then, the intensity of his gaze, the hope in his eyes, throwing her all off course. She looked away and righted herself before continuing, remembering why she'd started yelling in the first place "Now suddenly we talk about your Slayer-killing adventures and you're right back to being a pain in my ass!"

"Mark my words, Slayer" he replied, voice dangerously low, "if you weren't carrying my kid in there and I hadn't got this bleedin' chip in my skull, it'd be more than just your ass that was in pain"

"You bastard!" she shot back, throwing a fist across his face, causing his head to snap violently to the side. He winced with the pain but pulled his face back round to look at her, forcing down the demon guise that so wanted out to play. He didn't have to say or do anything, looking at her was enough. She knew she shouldn't have done it, it was unfair when he'd not really done anything to her and he couldn't and wouldn't fight back.

"Spike, I..." she began but he held up a hand to silence her and stepped away at the same time.

"Save it, Slayer" he said sadly, heading for the bathroom, anywhere would do just so he could get away from her "Really don't wanna know" he said right before the door clicked shut and the lock slid into place.

Buffy closed her eyes, allowing the tears she'd been trying to hold back finally run down her cheeks. Why was it that everytime things seemed to be going okay in her life it all got screwed up by men, violence, her own stupidity, or a combination of all of the above? That was a question she was too tired to ponder now as she silently took herself back to the bedroom to sleep.

Mom always told her, 'Sleep on it. Things'll look better in the morning'. Buffy doubted she'd be so lucky this time.

To Be Continued...

A/N2 : More coming soon. In the meantime, you know what to do ;-)

Extra note : For anyone who is thinking that Spike wouldn't say 'ass' he'd say 'arse' cos he's English, I thought of that, since I am English myself, but if you listen when Spike says the word he does say it the American way. Clearly JM had trouble with the accent on that word, but he does so well most of the time (and he's so damn gorgeous) I can forgive him :-)