Notes: First of all, let me state that this is NOT turning into a yaoi fic. That said, however, I am a huge yaoi fan, and I'd have a hard time writing a fic like this without at least a little yaoi (or pseudo-yaoi, which is really what this chapter contains) thrown in for good measure. Nothing graphic though. Check out my other fics for that.
As a completely unrelated issue, thanks to my friend Stratton for the idea for the Shikamaru part of this chapter; he's a soul nearly as perverted as I. Additionally, it is a sad thing that Absolut and Polish sausages do not exist in Konoha. And on another note, Phoreticovelia disparata is a very real and very unique bug...
Also, I just wanted to warn that things get dirtier from here on out. I seem to go from pleasantly sardonic to randomly erotic quite easily. And next chapter's even worse (Shikamaru, Tenten!! Hands where I can see 'em!)! But considering who we're dealing with here (both the characters and the writer), something like this had to happen eventually!
CHAPTER 6
Neji stood still as humanly possible in the closed bathroom stall, the backs of his calves pressed against the hard porcelain bowl.
He had gone to the bathroom earlier, only to be loudly assaulted by Lee's declaration of love for their sensei when he returned. Taking that as another sign that the world had, indeed, been tipped on its ear, Neji headed directly back to the restroom, determined to wait out the insanity.
Only fifteen more minutes, he told himself. You can do it.
He heard a trio of noisy boys using the facilities, shouting and guffawing about some girl.
"She's like, the hottest chick on the face of the planet!"
"Yeah, did you see her ass when she bent down to pick up that one guy's dog?"
"She makes me hard just thinking about her!"
"Man, survival exercises make you hard!"
"Shut up!"
Neji held back a sigh at the improper conversation, feeling much better when the boys finally walked out, leaving him alone again.
Massaging his stiff neck, Neji shut his eyes. He wasn't hiding. Hiding was highly disrespectful. Neji was just... keeping others from discovering his mission. Protecting his team. Yeah.
The sound of the restroom door opening again shocked him back into stillness. One pair of feet walked quietly past his stall and toward the sinks. Neji heard the faucet being turned and water running, then paper towel being ripped.
As the feet passed back by him, he saw them pause. He held his breath.
Suddenly, the door to his stall came whooshing back at him, barely missing his nose as it was forcefully opened. What the...?!
Standing in front of him, damp paper towel still in hand, was Uchiha Sasuke. "Were you planning to stand in here all night?" he asked, eyes cold.
Neji blinked and then remembered to plaster his fake smile back on. "Oh, of course not! I'm having a great ti--"
"Can it. And get out of here," Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "It's creepy."
Seething at the other boy's insulting words, Neji promised himself to kick Uchiha's ass at the soonest possible juncture. But since he couldn't do that yet and still pretend to be having a delightful time, he quickly devised a slightly different plan.
Normally, something like this would be so far beneath him that he would never even consider it. After all, he was a Hyuuga, even if he was only a member of the branch family. His father's son didn't play dirty.
But desperate times called for desperate measures, as they say.
And so, smiling a disgustingly sweet smile, Neji sauntered out of the stall and up to Sasuke, stopping just inches in front of him. Batting his eyelashes, Neji put his fingers to Sasuke's cheek and, in a perfect imitation of one of Sasuke's fan-girls, cooed "Whatever you say, sweetie!"
Neji smirked as Sasuke gaped, his paper towel making a dull splat as it hit the ground.
Basking in his victorious glory as he drew his fingers down to the other boy's lips, Neji was floored by what came next.
"I admire you," the lips under Neji's fingers said.
Neji blinked, his hand dropping limply to his side. Um...
"Your skill and your beauty. I admire them both," Sasuke said quietly, bringing his hand to Neji's chest.
Sliding his fingers slowly downward, Sasuke leaned closer, whispering against Neji's cheek, "Would you like to go out some time, Neji?"
Neji swallowed hard. What the hell was going on?! Had the Uchiha taken his flirtation seriously, or was this a ploy to get back at him? What should he do-- should he insult the boy or calmly decline? Call him a perverted queer? Say calmly that he wasn't interested?
Why was this happening?
And why in the name of all things holy did Neji's face suddenly feel so hot??
XXXXX
Shikamaru didn't think he could take any more. This night, as predicted, was an awful pain in the ass.
Specifically the Ino aspect of it.
Sitting with his head on the table next to Choji, his friend's munching audible over the music, he could see her across the hall. Talking animatedly to Sasuke.
Shikamaru found it annoying.
Now, it wasn't as though Shikamaru was jealous of Sasuke. No, not at all. Jealousy would take far too much effort. He was just... annoyed.
Because after all, it wasn't as if Shikamaru really liked Ino or anything. There was no confusion about that. Yes, as a matter of fact, he was quite sure she was a total bitch. A total bitch who just happened to have been given the most perfect body on the face of the earth, an unfortunate fact that Shikamaru had recently come to notice.
Sulking forcibly toward his chattering teammate, he saw an excitedly gesticulating Ino spontaneously spill the cup of punch sitting in front of her. She watched blank-faced as it ran across the table toward Sasuke. Ino's face turned brilliantly red as the Uchiha stood up and marched to the bathroom, holding a now wet and sticky hand in the air in front of him as though it offended him to the very core.
Shikamaru grunted, grabbing a stick of celery off Choji's plate. Ino looked distressed sitting at the wet table all alone. If Shikamaru had been capable of self-motivation, he might have joined her.
But he wasn't, so he just watched.
Though maybe watching was actually worse. Especially when Ino decided, in that bothersome fashion of hers, to stand and wipe up her spill with a few nearby napkins.
With her back toward him, the annoyingly arousing way she bent over made her dress curve in a nearly intolerable manner around each hideously perfect thigh. The fabric of her dress darkening sensually in shadow between her legs, it then sloped irritatingly upwards to the most exasperatingly marvelous ass Shikamaru had ever seen.
Scowling, he slowly rolled his head sideways on the table to get a better view. How bothersome.
"What're you doing?" He heard Choji ask.
"Ino spilled her punch all over," he replied, glancing at the other boy as he knit his brow. "She better not think I'm going to help clean it up."
"Huh," Choji replied. "You still sure you don't think she's pretty?"
Turning his eyes back to the girl in question, Shikamaru found that she had moved to the other side of the table with her napkins. Giving him an annoyingly unrestricted view of her upsettingly splendid cleavage, she leaned forward, unknowingly but gracefully exposing her nauseatingly alluring bra to his highly annoyed regard. The infuriating bounce of her breasts as her delicate hand moved firmly and precisely back and forth on the table bordered on maddening, causing Shikamaru to squirm, indescribably irritated, in his seat.
"Choji, just looking at her is painful," Shikamaru finally answered, scowling his hardest. And it's not as if he was lying; he really was starting to ache.
Ino's eyes finally catching sight of her gaping neckline as she cleaned, the girl looked down. Damn, show's over, thought Shikamaru. What a pain.
He realized, to his chagrin, that he was wrong when Ino, cleavage still bared, dropped her sticky napkin and set to work licking the punch thoroughly and indecently off her slender fingers. Painfully captivated, Shikamaru gaped.
Her rosy tongue flicked over her fingers delightfully, leaving a temptingly slick path of wetness behind.
Troublesome.
Sliding her spit-slicked fingers alluringly under the top of her dress, Ino grasped her bra and tugged upward firmly and gratifyingly.
Very troublesome.
She then ran her hands caressingly down over her deliciously round breasts, cupping them as they swelled suddenly upward, the lusciously ample flesh threatening to overflow.
Oh damn, was this girl ever TROUBLESOME!!
Before he realized it, Shikamaru was on his feet, hands shoved deep in his pockets, heading toward the bathroom.
Cursing Ino for forcing him to put forth so much effort, Shikamaru firmly swung open the washroom door.
But even considering his current state of arousal, nothing on the face of the earth would have prepared him for what he found inside.
Just outside the near stall stood Neji and Sasuke.
The two boys were so close together that their knees touched, their parted lips exchanged the same air. Sasuke's right hand stroked intimately against a flushed-cheeked Neji's chest. The longhaired boy trembled, his breathing quick and unsteady. A dripping paper towel lay at their feet.
Blank-faced, Shikamaru blinked, urgency suddenly vanished as his hideously elevated intellect compiled all conceivable precursors to this scene.
None of them were good.
Sasuke spared Shikamaru a momentary, perfunctory glance before turning unconcernedly back to Neji, whose face reddened even more deeply as he backed away and opened his mouth in an effort at explanation.
Shikamaru shook his head. "Never mind. I don't want to know," he said as he backed out of the room, ignoring Neji's sounds of protest.
Safely outside the Bathroom from Hell, Shikamaru let loose a breath he hadn't realized he was holding, praying that image wouldn't be etched into his brain for the rest of his life.
The probability wasn't good.
Sulking at the thought, Shikamaru headed back for Choji's table, determined to wipe the past thirty seconds from his brain.
However, despite having walked in on something he would adamantly deny knowledge of until the day he died, he somehow still felt passably relieved.
It hadn't exactly been what he'd had in mind to ease his cumbersome mental image of Ino fondling herself, but hey, whatever worked.
XXXXX
Iruka fumed, holding the liquor bottle tightly in his right hand. He'd happened to see it poking out from a trash can on one of his trips around the hall. He was not pleased.
He had gone to extreme effort to make this dance perfect and wholesome for these burgeoning young adults, and someone had managed to ruin it. The innocence of the night was now compromised, its purity spoiled.
And there was no question in his mind as to who had committed this heinous act.
Naruto flailed wildly as Iruka grabbed him by the back of his gaudy orange sports jacket and hoisted him away.
Lugging the thrashing boy to a dark corner of the room despite his loud protests, Iruka finally set him down. "Naruto! Explain this!" he said, pointing to the bottle.
Naruto blinked. "Ab...so...lu--"
"NARUTO!" Iruka bellowed.
"WHAT?!" the boy bellowed back, giving his former sensei an annoyed look.
"Naruto, why did you do this?" Iruka demanded.
"Do what, Iruka-sensei?" the boy's perplexed look annoyed Iruka.
"Don't give me that! You spiked the punch!"
Naruto regarded the man blankly. "The punch is spiked??"
Iruka let loose a sigh, letting the arm holding the bottle fall to his side. Naruto wasn't this good at lying. He hadn't done it.
Iruka felt awful. He'd automatically accused Naruto without thoroughly evaluating the situation. But who else could it possibly have been?
Looking at the boy, who now seemed highly mischievous, Iruka put his hands on his hips, feeling justified once more. It was impossible that Naruto hadn't pulled some sort of prank. "What did you do?"
Naruto pouted. "Nothing..."
"Naruto!" Iruka threw him an accusatory glare.
"I didn't do anything! Honest!"
"If I find out you're lying..."
"Jeez Iruka-sensei, I haven't done anything... yet..."
"'Yet'?" Iruka questioned, eyebrows arching.
The blonde's mumbled reply was nearly inaudible, though Iruka was quite sure he heard Sasuke's name mentioned along with the word "kielbasa."
"NARUTO!!"
"Come on, I was just dancing with Hinata, that's all!" Naruto asserted, looking defiant.
Now it was Iruka's turn to give a blank look. Naruto had been dancing? With Hinata...?
Looking out on the dance floor, the chunin saw the girl there, standing in the exact spot Iruka had pulled Naruto away from. How awful, he hadn't even noticed! Oh, poor girl!
Glancing at Naruto's peculiar tie, the man was spontaneously struck by the perfect solution to poor Hinata's predicament and Naruto's pending prank.
"NARUTO!"
"WHAT?!"
The boy flinched when Iruka's hand appeared in front of his face, only to give a perplexed look when he saw what his former sensei was holding out. "What's that for?"
Iruka pushed the money into Naruto's hand. "Why don't you take Hinata out for some ramen?"
The hyperactive blonde let out a whoop of glee as he nearly squeezed the life out of Iruka. "RAMEN!!"
"Naruto, go invite Hinata," Iruka told the boy as he aimed the wildly bounding blonde toward Hinata, who was still standing, looking quite lost, on the dance floor.
"Thank you, Iruka-sensei!!" Naruto waved wildly as he leaped uncoordinatedly toward a forlorn-looking Hinata, waving the money above his head like a victory medal.
"Naruto, put the money in your pocket," Iruka advised as Naruto half-dragged the now-blushing girl toward the door.
The genin didn't seem to notice the advice, as he had evidently begun reciting to Hinata every type of ramen known to man.
"...and chicken ramen and mushroom ramen and shrimp ramen and pork ramen and beef ramen and miso ramen and fish ramen and breakfast ramen and desert ramen and chili ramen and spicy ramen and cheese ramen and..."
Well now, wouldn't they make a cute couple? thought Iruka. Such a good, well-mannered girl. She most certainly hadn't thought of boyfriends or dating yet. And she was definitely not the type of girl to involve herself with foolish mischief like spiking punch or drinking.
Yes, Iruka decided with a nod of his head, he'd like to see those two together. She'd be such a good influence on Naruto!
XXXXX
Kiba sat next to Shino, hugging Akamaru as a small child hugged a teddy bear. The world was blissfully hazy, and Akamaru was so snuggly.
Grinning foolishly, Kiba nuzzled his pup, which elicited a happy yip and a slurp. Struck by a sudden, muddled urge, Kiba licked his dog back.
Wow, being trashed was so cool.
It then occurred to Kiba that Shino should not be left out of this greatness. Yes, Shino should lick Akamaru too!
Stunned by his sudden genius revelation, the boy rotated slowly in his chair, holding a wriggling Akamaru out to his teammate.
"Isn't he beautiful, Shino?" Kiba slurred.
When Shino failed to answer, Kiba added, "Don't you wanna lick my pup?"
Not realizing that any sane human being, even one as odd as Shino, would have looked at him strangely for this, Kiba decided Shino must not have understood. After all, who wouldn't want to lick his pup?
"Hey, Shino, whasgoinon??" But still no response came.
Chortling, Kiba grabbed his dog's paw, shaking it up and down as if Akamaru were waving. "Shiiiiiiiino! Akamaru looooves yooooou!!"
This time, Shino seemed to say something, although his voice was too low for Kiba to understand.
He leaned in, almost dropping his poor pooch in the process. "Huh?"
Kiba noticed with the slowed perception time of inebriation that the other boy seemed to be staring at something. And though admittedly drunk off his ass, Kiba was absolutely sure he next heard Shino say in a hushed tone, "Phoreticovelia disparata."
Kiba blinked several times, rubbing his head. What was that? Wasn't Shino only supposed to talk about food? And why was it so hard to think??
Oh well!
Waving his hand in front of Shino's face, Kiba sing-songed, "Youuuuu-whooooo! Shiiiiiinoooo!" But for some reason, this didn't work.
Confused but unabashed, Kiba leaned in against his friend, hefting Akamaru up to Shino's face. "Here you go!" he proclaimed loudly.
Shino only moved his head slightly to the left to clear his view of the dance floor.
"Hey, what gives?! Akamaru's waiting, man!"
The only words Kiba understood from Shino's mumbled response were, "...mating dance...delicious..."
Kiba pulled Akamaru back, giving him another enchanting lick, and turned his head toward the spot Shino seemed so intent upon. The dance hall was a brilliant swirl of colors as his head made its rotation, but all he could see through his bleary eyes was a lurching pink blur.
Deciding that Shino was really just too weird sometimes, Kiba slipped off his chair and under the table to lick his puppy in peace.
XXXXX
Sasuke regarded Neji levelly as the older boy, still blushing furiously, turned and sprinted from the room.
How gross.
Sasuke looked down at the hand that had been touching Neji, and decided to wash it immediately. After all, it had been TOUCHING Neji's CHEST. Sick.
As he thoroughly lathered his hands, Sasuke realized that his face had been terribly close to the other boy's as well, and he felt the serious urge to wash it also.
Not even the fact that Sasuke had stopped Neji's constant, indecent smiling made him feel any better. And the fact that Shikamaru had walked in on it made the whole thing just that much worse.
Gai-sensei was so dead. How could that jackass have come up with a mission like that?
Sasuke shivered at the thought. The mission had clearly been intended for a girl! Though in the end, it might actually turn out to be a good thing Neji had pulled that nasty little stunt with him, or else how would he ever have pulled it off?
Splashing water on his face, Sasuke was suddenly struck by a horrible idea: what if Neji thought he was serious? Was that why he ran? Because he actually thought Sasuke wanted to date him?
No. Impossible. How could he, the last surviving member of the awesome Uchiha clan be attracted to talentless branch Hyuuga? And a GUY at that?!
But a sinking feeling gripped him by the guts as he thought about it.
Shit. Neji thought he was...
Angrily grabbing a towel to dry his face, Sasuke told himself, no. He had just intimidated the other boy, that was all. Neji couldn't possibly think he was really...
After all, what signs had Sasuke ever given that he wasn't perfectly, undeniably straight?
So he ignored all the girls who were constantly hanging on him, preferring to train with other boys. What did that mean? Training was the most important thing in his life. Playing around with love-sick girls was hardly going to help him avenge his family.
And the fact that his stylish clothes were always starched and ironed to perfection was just because he cared about how he looked. He was an Uchiha, after all, and he had a reputation to uphold. He couldn't go walking around looking like a slob in any old thing!
And what did it matter that his hair was always perfectly styled, or that he'd always managed to keep his shorts snowy white no matter how dirty a mission got? And so what if he liked to read fine literature and cook gourmet meals in his free time? Or that he had a penchant for decorating, a fondness for bubble baths, and a soft spot for fuzzy little stuffed kitties?
That didn't mean he was... gay...
Did it??
XXXXX
POOF!!
"Sorry I'm late! I got lost on the--"
"You do realize the dance is almost over, right?" Asuma asked half-heartedly, motioning toward the peep hole.
"Ah. How are our little ones performing?" Kakashi questioned, peering through.
"Well, only Sakura's left out of your group. Your other two left. As for mine," Asuma answered, "Choji's eating, Shikamaru's pouting, and Ino's bossing. Same old."
Kurenai moaned from her place on the floor, "Don't even ask..."
"Your students not faring so well?" Kakashi's eye arching amusedly as he glanced down at her.
"Hinata stumbled out with Naruto, Shino's chakra control is so off that his bugs are starting to escape, and Kiba's drunk under a table kissing his dog."
"Hmm... that doesn't sound so good," Kakashi observed.
Kurenai groaned.
Obviously feeling left out, Gai declared in his most manly voice, "And as for MY students, Neji has evidently completed his mission and has left. Tenten is socializing most brilliantly in her stunning gown, and your Sakura has obviously succumbed to my Lee's irresistible charm, as the two of them are dancing most intimately!"
Kakashi blinked, attempting to locate the two on the dance floor. Sakura and Lee dancing... intimately... that was highly suspicious... and disturbing...