Operation: Genin Dance
Persepolis130
Notes: That song Naruto's singing is certainly NOT Japanese--sorry! I found the quote from Confucius online, and as far as I know, it's a real one. Everything I wrote about the Phoreticovelia disparata is true except, amusingly, for the mating dance part!
Sorry about Neji's denial angst, but he really can't help it. It's fate. If, however, you would like to see more along these lines and are over 18 (or willing to compromise your youthful purity and pretend you are), I posted a SasuNeji lemon you might like on adultfanfictionDOTnet (check out my profile for a link).
CHAPTER 9
Kiba sprawled in a pathetic-looking heap as Akamaru licked his face, making soothing little grunts of support.
Some adult on the other side of the bridge was talking far too loudly about something. Kiba knew it must be important... about totaling points or protocol or something dealing with their missions... but the actual topic didn't register in befuddled brain.
To say that Kiba wasn't doing well was an understatement. His tongue was dry as Hidden Sand, the sun was killing his eyes, and his brain felt like it was going to explode.
And he didn't remember how he got home last night.
Uncorking his water canteen with shaky fingers, Kiba coaxed a few last drops from the bottom of it. Why the hell was he so thirsty after all he'd drank last night...??
Groaning miserably, Kiba buried his face in Akamaru's fur. I'm never drinking again, he resolved.
A soft yip from his dog and a nudge on his shoulder brought him back from his current bout of self-pity.
Shino was holding his own canteen out to his teammate, already uncorked and dripping lusciously with condensation.
Kiba tipped his head in thanks as he took hold of the offered jug and proceeded to drain it in slow, cautious sips.
Handing the empty container back to his teammate, he asked weakly "Hey Shino, how'd you fail your mission anyway? ...and why were you so late for training?"
Shino looked pensive. "Confucius said: 'I have never seen a man who loves virtue as much as he loves a beautiful woman.' "
"What does that mean?" Eyeing Shino, Kiba could swear he saw the bug boy blush.
"Hey, did you hook up or something?"
"You did! You did, didn't-- aah, my head!-- didn't you!?"
"The Phoreticovelia disparata female secretes a sweet, highly-nourishing wax from a gland beneath her cranial carapace. She allows the male to ride her, settling into a custom-made hollow, while supping upon this delicious, protein-filled substance for days as he fills her with his seed. She is a highly enticing creature."
Kiba gaped, horror-struck, blurrily remembering Shino saying something last night about a mating dance. "Shino, you really need to warn a guy before you start saying things like that..."
Shino stood impassively as usual, evidently not seeing any particular problem with his statement.
But Hinata, blushing furiously, caught Kiba's eye, and he blinked at the girl with half-closed, stinging eyes. "Did you hook up too?"
"Aaaah!" gasped Hinata, covering her mouth and turning to avoid Kiba's gaze.
Damnit! thought Kiba as he rubbed his throbbing temples, Everyone scored but me!!
XXXXX
Naruto grinned, waving to Hinata. She waved cutely back, blushing madly. Naruto giggled, hands behind his head.
The sensei were talking about the missions and something about points, but Naruto didn't understand, so he ignored them. It was usually best that way.
Besides, seeing the adorably blushing Hinata reminded the blond that he had a much, much bigger issue to deal with this morning.
Ramen.
For some strange (yet cool) reason, Iruka-sensei had given him money for ramen last night. Yea!! Iruka-sensei was the best! And Naruto wasn't quite sure why, but his old sensei had told him to take Hinata.
Of course, Naruto could have bought more ramen with the money if Hinata hadn't come along, but it wasn't so bad having to share. Hinata was pretty fun if you got beyond the weirdness.
He did feel a little bad for her though. Hinata was so tired last night. When they were dancing, she stumbled a lot, and she'd had to lean on him all the way to Ichiraku. She must really train hard! And Hinata was really little, and she got injured really bad that one time, so she probably got tired really easily.
Yeah, that would be the only way to explain her falling. Luckily nobody else had been there, or he would have gotten in trouble for sure, just like last time, even though it totally wasn't his fault.
Naruto scratched his head as he pondered, eyes scrunched into tiny slits at the effort. It was really weird how that had happened. One minute, he was telling Hinata how he was going to become Hokage as he slurped the last of his ramen, and the next, her lips were touching his.
Yeah, she was so tired, she must have just fallen onto his lips! It was like that day in class with Sasuke, only wetter and more rameny.
He told her it was okay though, he wasn't mad. It wasn't her fault she trained so hard.
He looked at the girl again, trying to figure out how he could somehow get more ramen out of this deal.
"S-SPIKE THE PUNCH," he heard her say.
Naruto blinked. "Huh?"
"Shino's mission was to only talk about food, Kiba's mission was to hit on any girl he met, and Hinata's was to spike the punch. Pay attention, moron," Sasuke chastised coldly.
The blonde looked confused as he tried to decide whether he should attack Sasuke for insulting him or congratulate Hinata for being so cool.
"HINATA!!" Naruto cheered, the annoyed Sasuke forgotten, "That's the best!!"
As Kurenai smacked herself on the forehead quite loudly, Naruto "snuck" around Kiba to stand next to Hinata.
"Hey, Hinata!" he whispered not-so-quietly from behind his hand, "You think you can get us some more?"
Hinata looked intently at her shoes as Naruto smiled at the genius of his idea. What could be better than ramen but ramen and booze??
XXXXX
Shikamaru pouted as Naruto made a spectacle of himself once again. This was so annoying.
First of all, those wrappings were really obscuring his view of Ino's divinely sculpted thighs, and no matter what way he turned his head, he just couldn't get a satisfying look.
Second of all, he was tired as hell after last night's escapades, and he needed to get some serious napping in before he could come up with a plan for a repeat performance.
And last (and surely least), he'd figured out just about everybody's missions anyway, so what was the point?
Sighing as Kurenai droned on about something highly inconsequential, he noticed Choji leaning toward him, hand in front of his mouth. "Spill it."
His best friend looked perplexed. "What?"
"About Ino!" Choji whispered.
"Heh. Yeah." the brunet gave an uncharacteristically pleased look.
"What did she taste like?" Choji asked, searching for snacks.
Shikamaru blinked. "I'm going to pretend you didn't ask that."
"No, she ate one of my potato chips right before! Did she taste like chips?" he asked, crunching one between his teeth.
"Oh, you mean her MOUTH..." Shikamaru smirked.
Choji put his hand to his lips to cover his conspiratorial chuckling as the nearby Sasuke gave him an odd look.
"Shikamaru!" Asuma suddenly said.
"What?"
"Shikamaru, your mission." his sensei prompted.
"Yeah, yeah," he said, and he recited, "DANCE WITH ANYONE WHO ASKS AND GIVE THE ONE YOU LIKE BEST A GOODNIGHT KISS."
"That was the perfect mission for you, Shikamaru!" Tenten smiled.
Choji nodded and smiled and then pulled out the rumpled paper containing his own mission.
"PLAY MATCHMAKER FOR ONE OF YOUR TEAMMATES, NOT STOPPING UNTIL YOU'VE SUCCEEDED IN SETTING THEM UP WITH SOMEONE," he read proudly, giving a broad smile. He smacked Shikamaru's back companionably, sending the unusually content boy flying.
Ino, who was standing next to Sakura, bit her lip as she saw the two boys snickering.
OH!! She was going to kill those two! Shikamaru probably told that fatty everything!
Ino groaned as she realized what "everything" entailed.
This was terrible! How could she have done this? There was just no way she had sex with him! Oh, and in a park where absolutely anyone could see! Ino, what were you thinking?!
Damn, and now everyone would know! She was shamed! Sasuke would never want her now! It would be like sloppy seconds!!
Okay, deep breath. Calm down. It'll be alright. Sasuke doesn't need to know how far it went. When someone asks, you just tell them...
"Ino?" she heard Sakura's voice ask. "Are you alright?"
Oh no! What would she say? How would she explain...
Yes! The perfect response! It neither confirmed nor denied, freeing her from the truth while refraining from all falsehood!
"We just fooled around!" Ino declared, "It didn't mean anything!!"
"Fooled around?! What are you talking about??" Sakura looked baffled. "Hey, did Choji set YOU up with someone?"
"Eh..." Ino looked pale as she glanced at a smug-looking Shikamaru.
Sakura's jaw dropped. "HIM?!"
"It was nothing!!" Ino declared, tilting her head cutely and batting her eyelashes at Sasuke. Leaning to rub her hand against his shoulder, she declared. "You know I'm saving myself for you, sweetie!"
Sasuke started to push her hand off until his gaze, attempting to fall anywhere but on the brazen kunoichi, happened to meet Neji's. Sasuke took a deep breath and said loudly, "Just because I don't want to go out with you, it doesn't mean anything!"
"What?" Ino asked, eyes huge. Did he just say, "go out with you"...?
"I'm not like that!" Sasuke declared.
Ino blinked, feeling her face flush. She could just swear she heard something about going out with her...
"Haha!" shouted Naruto, "Sasuke's a--"
"I'M NOT!"
"Not WHAT?!" pleaded Ino, utterly confounded. Did Sasuke want to go out with her??
"NOTHING!!" shouted Sasuke.
"Stop talking about it, Naruto!!" shouted Sakura, face red with anger.
"Talking about WHAT?!" Ino cried. She just knew she'd heard "go out with you"!!
"NOTHING!!" It was Neji who yelled this time.
"Hey, quit yelling," grumbled Kiba, pressing a hand to his forehead. "Some of us are really hung over!"
Sasuke grunted at Kiba's comment and turned away, presenting Ino with a solid view of the back of his head.
"Grrrrr!" Damn you, Kiba! Ino thought vehemently at the whimpering boy, flipping him off for good measure.
Just when Sasuke was about to ask her out!!
XXXXX
"Are we next, Sensei??" Lee's voice blared through the various muffled muttering.
"Yes, Lee! Begin!!" Gai posed heroically.
"Right!! DECLARE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE YOUR SENTIMENTS OF LOVE AND--"
"Lee!! Wait! I must confess to you!!" his sensei exclaimed in distress, hand against his forehead.
"Sensei??"
"I heard your most magnificent declaration!!"
"You... heard...??" Lee asked, lip quivering.
"Never have I heard an avowal filled with such emotion!!" Gai's overwhelming eyebrows knit together in his ardor, fist banging against his chest.
Pressing his hands to his eyes, Lee sobbed loudly, tears streaming down his cheeks like rivers overflowing their banks. "I dreamed you had!!"
Taking his protégé's shoulders firmly in his hands and lifting his chin to look him in the eye, emotion cracked loudly in Gai's manly voice. "You fill my heart with such joy!!"
"SENSEI!!" cried Lee, burying his head in his mentor's chest.
"LEE!!" the jounin cried, taking the tearful boy in his arms.
"I'm so proud!" exclaimed Gai, tears in his eyes as he gripped Lee firmly to his chest. "...so proud..."
"Aw hell! They're at it again!!" Sakura and her inner self screamed at the same moment.
"Oh wow. That is SO disturbing," shivered Ino, aghast.
"Yeah, it's not really something you can get used to," Tenten sighed, looking away.
Kiba groaned. "No Akamaru, you can't hump his leg."
"Why don't those two get a room already," scowled Shikamaru.
"I don't think this is that sort of fic," Choji supplied.
"It's not?" Kiba looked flustered.
"I feel funny inside," Naruto pondered aloud.
"That doesn't turn me on," stated Sasuke.
"I think I'm going to be sick," murmured Neji.
XXXXX
Luckily for Shino, he had perfected the art of sleeping on his feet. Ordering his bugs to alert him if anything terribly important came up, this well-honed skill had saved him many times in the past. Today's manly embrace was no exception.
Shino was brought back to himself when he heard the lovely voice of his most exceptionally skilled mate.
"I had to DANCE TERRIBLY TO ALL FAST SONGS... but I failed," his beauty said.
Seeing the enticing pink flush spread across her cheeks made Shino lick his lips drowsily.
"Hey, hey! What about the dress??" he heard Naruto ask.
Tenten frowned most splendidly. "My princess dress? What about it?"
"Didn't you have to wear an ugly dress too?" Naruto looked unusually contemplative.
"Her dress was beautiful, Naruto! What are you talking about?!" Sakura shouted.
"What are you, nuts?!" hollered Naruto at ear-splitting decibels, "That dress was scary as hell!"
Shino frowned, blinking the sleep from his eyes. He could feel his bugs scuttle about in quickly increasing agitation. An insult to his most fastidiously chosen partner could not-- and would not-- be tolerated.
Turning to Naruto to be sure he got his point across, Shino stated deliberately, "Her dress was stunning." He made sure to look extra creepy when he said it.
"HUH!?" asked Naruto, turning to squint at him.
"It was the most exquisite garment I have ever laid eyes upon," Shino asserted in a voice slightly harsher than his customary monotone. He even went so far as to take his hands out of his, anxious bugs tickling inside the skin of his fingers.
This statement won him the most deliciously appreciative smile from his newly-acquired companion. "You really think so, Shino?" She put her index finger to her lips in a manner which was, in Shino's personal opinion, highly suggestive.
"It was spectacular," he managed to tell her with a slight incline of his head, adding mentally: Laying in a heap on the floor. The very thought set his body aflame, heart racing, face flushing, and bugs clamoring for release.
Shino took a deep, shaky breath. He knew they should have kept at the mating for the full four days.
XXXXX
"Hey Neji, who's winning?" Tenten whispered in her teammate's ear as Sakura announced something.
"Who the hell cares," he grumbled, trying his hardest not to look at his freakish sensei, who was currently patting his freakish teammate tenderly on the back.
Could this day get any worse?
He'd missed valuable training time because Tenten was late, and then when she showed up, she was acting all... gah...
But she couldn't possibly still like him... right? The very thought of that... Eeh...
And to add insult to injury, he'd next been assaulted by Gai-sensei's hideous lesson on love. Hearing the word "glistening" coming from his creepy sensei's mouth was enough to make him want to puncture his own eardrums.
And, of course, Neji had to deal with HIM after that. And Neji really didn't want to think about that, didn't want to be reminded of last night.
Being forced to admit today that he had failed his mission was disgraceful enough, but having to deal with the rest of it...?
Neji sighed. And was it all in his head, or was everyone making blatant gay references??
Adjusting his collar, Neji hid his grimace behind his hand. How the hell was he going to keep this quiet? It didn't matter how many people he kicked the crap out of, or how much fun he might have doing it. If this got out, everyone in the village would think Neji was some kind of queer!
Shikamaru already knew about it, but Neji had a feeling the boy wasn't talking. Though if Naruto found out... Neji shivered. That boy was incapable of keeping a secret.
Speaking of Naruto...
"WHAT?! I did SO complete my mission!!" Neji heard the obnoxious blond's voice shout.
"You didn't ask me!!" Ino was suddenly yelling. "COMPLIMENT EVERY MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX YOU SEE AND ASK THEM TO DANCE includes ME!"
"But you're always hanging on Sasuke! Why the hell would I wanna ask YOU?!"
"IDIOT!!" Sakura screeched. "You lost our points!!"
"Hey, he didn't do his mission either!" Naruto pointed accusingly at Sasuke.
Neji blinked. He didn't? An UCHIHA failed at something?
Utterly confused beyond belief, Neji looked at Sasuke.
Which turned out to be a bad idea.
The Uchiha's back was turned toward him, his hands stuffed deep in his pockets, pulling the fabric of his shorts incredibly tight across his marvelously firm--
Neji took a deep, shaky breath and shoved his hands in his own pockets to hide his shame. Fate was so cruel!
"The notion was ill-conceived and highly inappropriate," the Hyuuga heard Sasuke say. For no reason he could explain, Neji found that this statement aroused him even further.
"Poor Sasuke!! What was it!?" flirted Ino.
That girl was intolerable.
"I should never have received the mission in the first place. It's sexual nature is an affront to me," Sasuke informed defiantly.
The word "sexual" made Neji squirm, hands tugging the fabric of his pants.
"Sasuke, just tell us your mission already," Kurenai glared at Kakashi. What had that pervert done this time...?
Throwing Gai a murderous glare, Sasuke stated, "ASK A HANDSOME, SPIRITED YOUTH TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH YOU BY EXPRESSING YOUR ADMIRATION FOR HIS SKILL AND BEAUTY."
Neji's head began to spin disconcertingly as he felt the blood drain from his face (as well as various other parts of his anatomy).
Ohgod. This was not happening, this was NOT happening, this was NOT HAPPENING!!
"So... that... was your... mission??" Neji asked as steadily as he could.
"What, did you think I'd ask you out for REAL??" Sasuke glared.
"NEJI and SASUKE sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S-I--"
"Shut your hole, Naruto!" Sasuke snarled.
"Ha!" laughed Gai. "I hadn't thought about a BOY getting that one! How unfortunate!"
Kurenai groaned. If it wasn't perversion, it was idiocy...
"First comes LOVE, then comes MARRIAGE--" Naruto sang deafeningly.
"But then how'd Sasuke fail his mission if he asked Neji?" questioned Choji.
"--BABY carriage! SUCKIN' his thumb, PEEIN' his--"
"Eeee! Did you two KISS?!" Ino's enormous eyes sparkled with inner yaoi-loving fangirl fire. "Omigod, that's SO HOT!!"
"--do the HULA dance!! HAHAHAHA!!"
"We did not KISS! It is not HOT!" Sasuke exclaimed, fists clenched in anger. "And I do NOT like GUYS!"
Choji looked struck. "You don't?" Wow, that altered his worldview.
"Of course he doesn't," scowled Shikamaru, "he just propositions them in random bathrooms. And I'm scarred for life, just to let you two know."
"Faa-aag! Faa-aag! Faa-aag!" chanted Naruto gleefully as he bounded from one foot to the other.
Neji groaned and hid his face behind the collar of his shirt. This day couldn't possibly get any worse.
Of course, knowing what he did about fate, Neji should have realized how dangerous it was to think something like that...
XXXXX
Tenten, Neji, and Lee made their way through the forest on their trip back from the meeting, all slightly worse for the wear.
"Well, it COULD be worse," Tenten reasoned. "Who knows what kind of horrifying 'reward' Gai-sensei would have given us if we'd won!"
"But I wanted sensei's reward more than anything!!" Lee cried in distress.
Neji groaned. Not back to the gay references again...
"Just try harder next time, Lee!" Tenten suggested, shaking her head in pity.
"I know!!" declared the obsessively overenthusiastic boy. "We'll win next time if I can make it all the way home by leaping from branch to branch, telephone pole to telephone pole, and roof to roof without once setting my feet on the ground! And then if I can't do that, I'll run fifty times around--"
"Excellent idea. Why don't you start now?" Neji suggested with an unperceivable roll of his eyes. This sort of thing could go on for hours.
"Ah! Right!!" Lee declared, taking to the treetops.
His teammates watched indifferently as he sprung off into the distance.
"Damn, he's a freak," Neji scowled.
"Neji, now that we're alone, I just wanted to say, well..." Tenten started.
Neji gasped. Oh no. Here it came.
The Talk.
Tenten was always wanting to Talk with him about things no self-respecting man should ever even acknowledge. Like "friendship" and "trust" and the ever-terrifying "feelings."
Neji could feel the bile rising in his throat. He could NOT Talk about last night with her! About kissing and Sasuke and-- no, No, NO!! It could not happen! He just couldn't take it!!
"...Neji..."
He had to do something to stop her! Anything!! His sanity depended on it!!
"...I wanted to tell you--"
"I'm gay," Neji heard himself say. Wait, what?
Tenten stared at him blankly, and Neji blinked, confused. Did I just say I was...
Aw SHIT!! Why the hell did I just say that?!
Neji brought his hand to his mouth, as if to prove to himself that it had not been HIS lips that had loosed such a horrific utterance. But there they were, open and trembling beneath his fingers.
Neji's eyes grew large as he looked across at Tenten, whose face was strangely unreadable.
"Neji... you should've told me..." she finally said. "I would've understood..."
Why was she saying this? She acted like it was true!
"You know I'd support your decision... We're teammates, after all," Tenten told him, a look of sisterly understanding on her face.
What, she believed him?? Just one sentence like that, just one slip, and his fate was sealed?!
"I'm glad you made this decision... it's a big step."
Did she really think he was gay?! How could she think that?? They'd been teammates for so long, and THAT was what she thought about him?!
"And well... what I wanted to tell you was... I'm seeing someone else." She smiled sweetly. "So... I guess everything worked out in the end!"
Neji groaned and resisted the urge to pull out a kunai and slit his own throat, instead opting to turn a sharp ninety-degree angle toward home. His only hope now was to go to sleep, and wake up and find that the whole "gay" thing had been nothing but a horrible nightmare. Or... wake up and find Sasuke in his bed. He really wasn't that picky...
Mission List!!
Okay, so the sensei who wrote the mission is on top, followed by the mission and the genin who received it, with an X if it was completed, and an O if it wasn't. Each person gets 5 points for completing his/her mission, and a team can get 1 extra point for each mission they figure out for a member of another team. (Everyone met earlier and told their senseis what they thought the other kids were doing.) The winners and losers (and rewards and punishments) will be revealed next chapter, though if you were keeping track, you probably figured it out already.)
Kakashi:
(hinata)SPIKE THE PUNCH--X
(ino)WHENEVER ANYONE COMPLIMENTS YOU, BRAG TO THEM ABOUT YOUR KISSING JUTSUS--X
(sakura)CONVINCE SOMEONE TO STREAK--O
Asuma:
(shino)TALK ONLY ABOUT FOOD--O
(tenten)DANCE TERRIBLY TO ALL FAST SONGS--O
(kiba)HIT ON ANYONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX YOU SEE--X
Kurenai:
(shika)DANCE WITH ANYONE WHO ASKS AND GIVE THE ONE YOU LIKE BEST A GOODNIGHT KISS--X
(choji)PLAY MATCHMAKER FOR ONE OF YOUR TEAMMATES, NOT STOPPING UNTIL YOU'VE SUCCEEDED IN SETTING THEM UP WITH SOMEONE--X
(naruto)COMPLIMENT EVERY MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX YOU SEE AND ASK THEM TO DANCE--O
Gai:
(lee)DECLARE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE YOUR SENTIMENTS OF LOVE AND ADORATION FOR THE MOST ASTONISHINGLY AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL CREATURE YOU'VE EVER LAID EYES UPON!--X
(sasuke)ASK A HANDSOME, SPIRITED YOUTH TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH YOU BY EXPRESSING YOUR ADMIRATION FOR HIS SKILL AND BEAUTY!--O
(neji)SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION OF THIS TREMENDOUS OPPORTUNITY FOR YOUTHFUL ROMANCE BY THOROUGHLY ENJOYING YOURSELF! NO MATTER WHAT, MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE KNOWS HOW AMAZINGLY HAPPY YOU ARE!--O