Hansel & Gretel:
The REAL Story
Characters
(In order of appearance)
Gretchen (Narrator, and the mother)
Husband (Gretchen's husband)
Hansel (Their son)
Gretel (Their daughter)
Annette (The Fairy Godmother)
Edna Krubsack (A witch)
Scenes & Songs
Scene One: The Beginning
(Gretchen, Husband, Hansel, Gretel)
Overture: Orchestra
My Side of the Story: Gretchen, Company
Incompetence Must Run in the Family: Gretchen
Scene Two: The Plot Thickens
(Gretchen, Husband, Hansel, Gretel, Annette)
Scene Change Interlude 1: Orchestra
Boredom Reigns: Hansel, Gretel
Troubles with Twins: Gretchen, Annette
Making Due: Gretchen
Making Due (Reprise)/The Search: Gretchen
Scene Three: Climaxes
(Gretchen, Edna, Hansel, Gretel)
Entr'acte or Scene Change Interlude 2: Orchestra
The Search Continues: Gretchen, Hansel, Gretel
The Brats: Edna, Gretchen
Scene Four: Happy Ever After?
(Gretchen, Husband, Edna, Hansel, Gretel)
Scene Change Interlude 3: Orchestra
My Side of the Story (reprise)/Finale: (Gretchen, Company)
SCENE ONE: The Beginning
Orch. Music: Overture
(Lights come up GRETCHEN, sprawled luxuriously on a chaise lounge.)
MY SIDE OF THE STORY
(Gretchen, Company)
GRETCHEN: Ah, hello there...I haven't seen you around here before. Out of town visitors, I'd guess? No? Well, what are you then? (beat) An audience? Ha! Well, welcome to the biggest show on off-off-way-off-Broadway. The title: My Life Stinks. But you probably know it by the more well known title: Hansel and Gretel. And you know something? I am sick and tired of those two little demons taking the spot light. Well, I mean I was sick and tired of them stealing the fame. But I'll never have to worry about those little brats ever again. Because they're gone and they aren't coming back!
MY LITTLE CHILDREN
THEY ARE SO LOST, LOST, LOST
POOR LITTLE CHILDREN
INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE WOOD THEY'VE BEEN TOSSED
AND THEY AREN'T COMING BACK
THEIR LITTLE BODIES ROTTEN AND BLACK
THIS IS MY SIDE OF THE STORY
THE REAL WAY THAT IT GOES
MY SIDE OF THE STORY
THE ONE THAT NO ONE KNOWS...
It all started a few months ago. My family and I were living in a small, cramped cottage in the middle of the Deep Dark Forest. There was myself, Gretchen, the homemaker, and the only one with any sense whatsoever. There was my husband—
(HUSBAND enters.)
We used to live in a nice suburb just outside of Berlin, but my husband, well, one day he decided...
HUSBAND:
MY DEAR, MY DEAR
THE LOGGING INDUSTRY IS THRIVING
AND HERE, OH HERE
WE ARE JUST BARELY SURVIVING
WE SHOULD MOVE
INTO THE WOOD
OUR BANK ACCOUNT WITH THRIVE
WE HAVE TO STAY ALIVE
AND WE'LL BE MAKING GOOD
GRETCHEN: So, we moved into that small cottage I told you about earlier. And then there are the children. Whoopee. Hansel, the boy, was not the brightest and his sister, Gretel; well...she wasn't much smarter. In fact, all they could do well was eat. And that didn't do much for us, as we used up all our money buying those little black holes food.
(HANSEL and GRETEL enter.)
HANSEL:
MAMA, WE'RE HUNGRY
GRETEL:
MAMA, I WANT FOOD!
BOTH:
MAMA, MAMA, MAMA, MAMA
I'M NOT FEELING GOOD
YOU HAVEN'T LET US EAT
FOR SEVERAL WEEKS
AND NOW WE NEED SOME CHOW
WE NEED SOME FOOD
WE NEED SOME GRUB
AND WE NEED IT NOW!
GRETCHEN: If you had to deal with that everyday you'd be a little edgy too! So after spending all most of our money on moving and food for the demon-children, we settled into our new living quarters. But then, a few months later, the brick, a new invention, was put on display. Strong, aesthetically pleasing, and easy to manufacture, the brick was the architectural must-have. Needless to say, the logging industry plummeted severely. And since we had very little money, we had no way to even try to make our way into the brick industry. We were virtually stranded in our little cottage in the big, dark wood. With our very last funds we bought a few measly satchels of seeds, gardening tools, and a small flock of chickens and built a small shed. And let me tell you, we were not very happy...
MY SIDE OF THE STORY
NOT THE MOST ENJOYABLE
MY SIDE OF THE STORY
THE ONE THAT'S NOW EMPLOYABLE
IN THIS TALE I WEAVE FOR YOU
YOU WILL SEE WHICH STORY'S TRUE
AND YOU'LL SEE MY POINT OF VIEW
MY SIDE OF THE STORY!
IT BEGINS...
(GRETCHEN exits. Scene change to the kitchen. HANSEL and GRETEL are rummaging through the cupboards and HUSBAND is at the stove, adding ingredients into a steaming pot. GRETCHEN enters.)
GRETCHEN: (Yelling) What is going on here?!
HUSBAND: (Looking up) Huh? Oh, well, dear, I just realized a new series of ingredients could be just what my beer needs. After I finish this, we'll be able to sell it in the market.
GRETCHEN: And what about the children...Look at them!
HUSBAND: (Glances at children)Oh, I guess I didn't notice them.
GRETCHEN: Hansel, Gretel! Get away from there. NOW!
HANSEL & GRETEL: Yes, mama.
(THEY cross to table and sit.)
GRETCHEN: Now, I want all of you to listen. Do you know what I do everyday? I gather eggs, I tend the garden, I harvest whatever crop we have in the fall, I clean, I cook, I look after you children, I do the laundry, I keep this house standing and I make sure that you three don't blow anything up, start anything on fire, or do anything else that could perhaps endanger our family anymore. Are there any questions?
(HANSEL raises his hand.)
GRETCHEN: Yes, Hansel.
HANSEL: Could we have something to eat?
GRETCHEN: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!
(HANSEL and GRETEL run offstage.)
GRETCHEN: How did my life end up being such a mess?
HUSBAND: Maybe—
GRETCHEN: Shut up! Go entertain the children.
(HUSBAND runs offstage.)
Incompetence Must Run In the Family
(Gretchen)
GRETCHEN:
AM I THE ONLY ONE
WITH ANY COMMON SENSE?
AM I THE ONLY ONE
WHO'S NOT COMPLETELY DENSE?
YES, I'M FAIRLY SURE
I'M THE SMARTEST OUT OF HIM, HIM AND HER
INCOMPETENCE
MUST RUN IN THE FAMILY!
MY HUSBAND, SON AND DAUGHTER
ARE IN A STATE OF STUPOR
THEY'RE STUPID, FAT AND LAZY
AND I AM SUCH A TROOPER
THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES
ANY SORT OF WORK
THE ONLY ONE WHO ISN'T
A CRAZY LAZY JERK
AM I THE ONLY ONE
WHO ISN'T MIGHTY DUMB?
AM I THE ONLY ONE
WITH A BRAIN THAT ISN'T NUMB?
YES, I'M QUITE CERTAIN
THEIR STUCK BEHIND A CURTAIN
OF STUPIDITY AND SERENDIPITY
YES, INCOMPETENCE
MUST RUN IN THE FAMILY!
WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE
TO JUST SPEND A DAY
PAMPERED AND SPOILED
AND PUT ON DISPLAY
FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE
AND WHEN THEY DID THEY'D SAY...
SHE MUST BE QUITE A SMARTY
LET'S THROUGH HER A PARTY!
GET RID OF HER HUSBAND AND KIDDIES
WE'LL ALL SING A LITTLE DIDDY
ABOUT HOW GOOD SHE IS
SHE'S THE BEST IN THE BIZ
MOMMY DEAREST
THE NEATEST
THE SWEETEST
SING HOO--
HANSEL:(From offstage)Mama! I'm hungry!
GRETEL: (From offstage)Me too!
HUSBAND: (From offstage)...I am too, dear!
GRETCHEN:
HOORAY...
(GRETCHEN sighs and begins to fix dinner. Blackout. END OF SCENE ONE.)
SCENE TWO: The Plot Thickens
Orch. Music: Scene Change Interlude 1
(Lights rise on GRETCHEN working in the almost barren garden. HANSEL and GRETEL are sitting by the chicken coop.)
Boredom Reigns
(Hansel, Gretel, Gretchen)
HANSEL:
WE'VE EATEN ALL THE FOOD IN THE HOUSE
GRETEL:
WE'VE EVEN KILLED AND ROASTED A MOUSE
BOTH:
WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO DO
OUR LIFE'S SO DULL AND PLAIN
OH TELL US WHAT TO DO
WHEN BOREDOM REIGNS
GRETCHEN: Children, please, just wait a moment. I'm almost done tending to this waste of time...How about you go and play in the forest for a few hours.
HANSEL: No, that's boring!
GRETCHEN: Go harass the neighbor children.
GRETEL: We've already done that.
GRETCHEN: Here's an idea. Why don't you go play "Let's Hide in the Well"! That would fun (to herself) and a completely mess-free way of getting rid of annoying brats!
HANSEL: No!
GRETEL: No!
BOTH: No!
GRETCHEN:
GO PLAY IN THE WOODS
GO SWIM IN THE LAKE
GO CATCH BUTTERFLIES
OR SOME DUCKLINGS AND A DRAKE
GO FIGHT OFF A DRAGON
THAT'S THREATENING THE TOWN
JUST GO SOMEWHERE ELSE
AND LEAVE ME WITH THE GROUND
I'M TRYING TO WORK
BUT YOU TWO KEEP PESTERING ME
I JITTER AND JERK
'CAUSE YOU TALK FESTERINGLY
WHY DON'T YOU GO
PLAY WITH DADDY'S BOW
SURELY YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW MUCH I WISH THAT
YOU WOULD DISAPPEAR!
GRETEL: No!
GRETCHEN: (Giving up) All right, I will go try to scrounge up a few coins and we'll go to the market and buy you a ball. How does that sound?
HANSEL & GRETEL: Fine...
(GRETCHEN exits.)
HANSEL:
WE MUST WALK TO THE VILLAGE
BUT THEN WE'LL HAVE A BALL
GRETEL:
AND MAYBE WE COULD PILLAGE
WHILE WE'RE THERE AND CONQUER ALL
BOTH:
BUT THEN THAT WOULD GET BORING
LET'S JUST STAY HERE, OH WHAT THE DICKENS
HEY I'VE GOT AN IDEA
LET'S LET LOOSE THE CHICKENS!
(HANSEL opens the door of the coop and the CHICKENS fly out and around the stage. GRETCHEN enters.)
GRETCHEN: WHAT HAVE YOU LITTLE MONSTERS DONE?!
HANSEL: Oh, Mama, it was an accident. The chickens were looking sad so we opened the door to pet them and talk to them but they...they just flew out and went crazy!
GRETEL: We're sorry!
(HANSEL and GRETEL make innocent faces at GRETCHEN.)
GRETCHEN: Don't think you're going to fool me with those faces! Oh, I had best go try to catch the chickens. But don't think you're off the hook. Just you wait till I return home!
(GRETCHEN exits. Blackout. GRETCHEN enters into the audience. SHE is carrying one chicken in her arm.)
GRETCHEN: Oh, where are those other chickens?! (Looks around, spots one) There's one!
(SHE climbs back onto the stage. ANNETTE, the FAIRY GODMOTHER, enters, carrying a picnic basket.)
ANNETTE: Oh, hello there young woman.
GRETCHEN: (Dumbstruck) Young woman?! Ha! Why, it's been a long time since someone's called me that!
ANNETTE: Well dearie, compared to me you could be Little Red Riding Hood! I'm Annette, regular woman by day, Fairy Godmother by night. And my, what are you doing the woods my dear?
GRETCHEN: Oh, my wretched little children let our chickens out of their coop and I had to venture into this forest to find them.
ANNETTE: Oh my! Well, I'm sure they didn't mean to—
GRETCHEN: Ma'am, you don't know my children. They're (beat) Hmm...what's the right word...
ANNETTE: Misunderstood?
GRETCHEN: No...
ANNETTE: Mischievous?
GRETCHEN: Not exactly...
ANNETTE: Impish?
GRETCHEN: More like...evil.
ANNETTE: Oh, my dear, I'm sure they'll grow out of it. And I'm sure that everything will turn out just fine.
GRETCHEN: I hope you're right, ma'am.
ANNETTE: (Sitting down) Here, come have tea with me. It'll calm your nerves.
GRETCHEN: Well, all right. Just let me get rid of this...
(GRETCHEN tosses the chicken off stage and sits next to ANNETTE. SHE opens the picnic basket and pulls a tea pot and two cups from inside.)
ANNETTE: Now, you just relax and tell me everything that's making you so stressful. Go on now, it will help.
GRETCHEN: Well...
Troubles with Twins
(Gretchen, Annette)
GRETCHEN:
MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE TO CHILDREN
TWINS, ONE BOY AND ONE GIRL
AT FIRST THEY SEEM LIKE NICE YOUNG CHILDREN
BUT GIVE THEM THE CHANCE...
THEY'D DESTROY THE WORLD
I KNOW, I KNOW
IT SOUNDS SO BAD
BUT WITH MY CHILDREN
YOU CAN'T BE GLAD
THERE ARE TROUBLES WITH TWINS
EVIL GROWS FROM DEEP WITHIN
THEY AREN'T LIKE ASHLEY AND MARY KATE
WITH HANSEL AND GRETEL YOU SEE YOUR FATE...
ANNETTE: Oh, Gretchen, don't worry.
I'M SURE IT'S JUST A FAZE
A KIND OF NAUGHTY STAGE
THEY'LL GROW OUT OF IT SOON ENOUGH
YOU JUST HAVE TO BATTLE THROUGH THE ROUGH
IN JUST A FEW YEARS
YOU'LL CONQUER ALL YOUR FEARS
THAT INVOLVES YOUR LITTLE DEARS
THAT TIME IS NEARING
AS SOON AS THEY GROW OLD
YOU'LL BE BROUGHT OUT OF THE COLD
AND THEN YOUR FATE'LL BE SOLD
AND YOU'LL KEEP HEARING
MOMMY, I LOVE YOU
MOMMY, YOU'RE GRAND
AND HOPEF'LLY THEN—
GRETCHEN: Annette,
YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND...
ANNETTE: (Checking her watch) My, my! Look at the time. I have to go, my dear, but I'm sure we'll meet up some time soon. And good luck with your children.
GRETCHEN: Thank you, I'll need it...
(ANNETTE gathers her things and exits. GRETCHEN sighs and gets up. SHE exits. Lights come back up on the garden. The cottage is destroyed. HANSEL and GRETEL, now quite a lot larger, are lying next to the remains of the house. GRETCHEN enters. SHE sees the mess.)
GRETCHEN: (Long beat)What happened here?
HANSEL: We...
GRETEL: Got...
BOTH: Hungry...
GRETCHEN: You ate our HOUSE?! Are you...are you mentally wrong?!
(HUSBAND enters, carrying a loaf of bread and a satchel of seeds.)
HUSBAND: Hello! I got what you wanted dear, bread and see—
(HE sees the destruction.)
HUSBAND: (Beat)Have a bad day?
GRETCHEN: Your children—
HUSBAND: My children?! They're both of ours.
GRETCHEN: No, they are yours. They inherited your stupidity! Anyway, the children ATE OUR HOUSE!!
HUSBAND: (Beat)They did...what?
GRETCHEN: First, they let the chickens loose and I had to go on a wild goose chase trying to find them and then I return to this!
HUSBAND: Well, what are we going to do?
GRETCHEN: Hansel, Gretel...Go roll yourselves somewhere else. I'd tell you to go to your bedrooms, but it seems as though you've devoured them. Go roll around in the wood...
(HANSEL and GRETEL manage to get offstage.)
GRETCHEN: Dear, I just had a marvelous idea. You take those two and bring them to the orphanage in the middle of the forest. We won't have to deal with them any longer!
HUSBAND: But Gretchen, dear, we can't just drop them off at an orphanage...They aren't orphans – we aren't dead!
GRETCHEN: Just lie, say we are. Lying is so much easier and usually more convincing than the truth, aren't I right?
HUSBAND: But—
GRETCHEN: Don't you want to just have a nice quiet life without the children...?
HUSBAND: That does sound nice, but...Well...
GRETCHEN: Well what?
HUSBAND: All right, I'll bring them to the orphanage.
GRETCHEN: Oh thank you dear! You are a life saver.
(GRETCHEN skips off merrily. HUSBAND calls offstage :...)
HUSBAND: Hansel! Gretel! Come along, we're going to go for a little walk in the woods. Hmm, maybe I should bring a bribe for the head of the orphanage, just in case they don't want the children.
(HE picks up the loaf of bread at his feet. HANSEL and GRETEL enter.)
HANSEL: Where are we going, Papa?
GRETEL: Somewhere nice?
HUSBAND: Um...yes. A nice little cottage in the woods.
GRETEL: Sounds nice.
HANSEL: I wonder...
BOTH: Will they have food there?
HUSBAND: Probably. Let's go, before it gets too dark.
(HUSBAND, HANSEL, and GRETEL exit. GRETCHEN enters, carrying a broom.)
GRETCHEN: The children are gone, gone, gone! Hoorah! Now, to deal with this mess here...Oh my goodness...where are we going to sleep?
(SHE glares around the stage and spots the shed USR.)
GRETCHEN: I suppose it'll have to do...
(SHE exits into the shed. Scene change to the inside of the shed. GRETCHEN is picking through the junk. SHE drapes a blanket over a stool and places a flower pot on top.)
Making Due
(Gretchen)
GRETCHEN:
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW THOSE LITTLE KIDS
COULD'VE SURVIVED
AFTER WHAT THEY DID
THEY ATE A WHOLE HOUSE
IS THAT NOT ABSURD?
COULDN'T THEY'VE BEEN HAPPY
WITH A RAT OR A BIRD?
BUT WHEN TROUBLES ARISE
YOU JUST DO WHAT YOU DO
AFTER DOUBLE SURPRISE
YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE DUE
MAKING DUE
THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING
THOUGH I DON'T HAVE A LOT
TO MAKE DUE WITH
MAKING DUE
LOOK-TO-THE-BLUE-ING
IT'S BETTER TO MAKE DUE THAN TO NOT
I'M MAKING DUE THE BEST I CAN
IT'S NOT THAT HARD
JUST FRESHEN UP YOUR ROOM
BING BANG BOOM
YOU'RE MAKING DUE
JUST DRAW YOUR CARD
AND MAKE SURE YOU USE IT RIGHT
AND IN JUST ONE NIGHT
YOU'VE MADE DUE
LIFE CAN BE SO STRESSFUL
WITH A NESTFUL OF LITTLE ONES
BUT LIFE CAN BE SO GRAND
WHEN THE LITTLE ONES ARE IN
SOMEONE ELSE'S HANDS!
(Dance/Instrumental Break: GRETCHEN straightens up the shed.)
MAKING DUE
THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING
IT'S SURE SOMETHING NEW
AND I'M MAKING DUE
THE BEST
I CAN!
(GRETCHEN looks around the newly transformed shed. It actually looks nice.)
GRETCHEN: There, isn't that better? Now, where is that husband of mine?! They left more than two hours ago. Oh la, he'll just have to make due. I'm going to sleep...
(GRETCHEN lies down and falls asleep. SFX: Ticking clock. HUSBAND stumbles in and falls onto the floor next to GRETCHEN, who wakes with a start.)
GRETCHEN: Oh my goodness, what took you so long?!
HUSBAND: We got lost. And I couldn't find the orphanage, so I just left the children in the woods with a loaf of bread. They'll be fine.
GRETCHEN: You did what?! Well...I guess it's not all that bad...No, what am I saying. Even I know you can't just leave those two in the forest. They'll eat it, for gosh sake! I'm going to go find them...
(HUSBAND has fallen asleep. GRETCHEN heaves herself up.)
Making Due (Reprise)/The Search
(Gretchen)
GRETCHEN:
LIFE CAN BE SO STRESSFUL
WITH A NESTFUL OF LITTLE ONES
BUT LIFE CAN BE SO GRAND
WHEN THE LITTLE ONES ARE IN
SOMEONE ELSE'S HANDS!
BUT THEY'RE NOT
NO THEY'RE NOT
THEY ARE IN THE WOODS
UP TO NO GOOD
PROBABLY EATING EVERYTHING
ROCKS AND TREES
BIRDS AND BEES
ANYTHING THEY CAN DIGEST
WHAT I MESS
SUCH DISTRESS!
I'VE GOT TO FIND THEM
BEFORE THE LAND IS IN THEIR STOMACHS
I'VE GOT TO FIND THEM
AND BIND THEM DOWN
SO NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN
BECAUSE OF THEM
WHERE ARE THEY?
WHERE ARE THEY?!
THE SEARCH BEGINS
THE SEARCH HAS STARTED
I'M ODDLY COLD HEARTED
BUT DETERMINED
I HOPE SHE WINS
THAT'S WHAT YOU'LL SAY
AND BEFORE THE BREAK OF DAY
I'LL FIND THEM
I'LL FIND THOSE LITTLE BRATS
AND IF I DON'T
THE GOOD TIMES WILL BE IN THE PAST...
(SHE ventures out into the forest. Blackout. END OF SCENE TWO.)
POSSIBLE INTERMISSION
SCENE THREE: Climaxes
Orch. Music: Entr'acte (??) OR Scene Change Interlude 2
(Lights rise on a deep forest. GRETCHEN enters, carrying a lantern.)
GRETCHEN: Oh, where are those beastly little children. (Calling) Hello? Hello?!
The Search Continues
(Gretchen, Hansel, Gretel)
GRETCHEN:
THE SEARCH CONTINUES
THE SEARCH GOES ON
I'VE BEEN TRAVELING FOR MILES
FOR SO LONG
THE SEARCH IS NEARING
A JOYFUL CLOSE
I HOPE
I HOPE...
(GRETCHEN ventures further into the forest. HANSEL and GRETEL enter, obviously lost.)
BOTH:
OUR SEARCH CONTINUES
TO FIND OUR HOME
OUR FATHER LEFT US
IN THESE WOODS ALONE
WE'VE BEEN HEARING
SUCH FEARFUL SOUNDS
HELP US
HELP US...
(THEY begin to exit.)
GRETEL: I'm hungry...
(THEY exit. The remains of a gingerbread house appear, with HANSEL and GRETEL lazily chomping on a candy cane support beam next to it. EDNA, the witch, is pacing back and forth, in a state of rage.)
EDNA: You wretched, wretched children! Look what you've done to my beautiful house!!
(GRETCHEN enters, still searching. SHE hears EDNA.)
GRETCHEN: (Gasps) A witch! Most likely wicked. I'd best not be seen.
(GRETCHEN ducks behind a bush.)
EDNA: I leave for one minute, one minute and look what I come home to! I...I don't know what to do. Now, don't you move! Don't take one more bite of my poor, poor house. You annoying brats!
GRETCHEN: Now where have I heard that before...?
(An echoing voice is heard :...)
ECHO VOICE: (Gretchen's) You annoying brats!
GRETCHEN: Oh yeah. But I only call... (Realizes. SHE barges out from behind the bush.)
HANSEL & GRETEL: (Moan)
(GRETCHEN crosses to EDNA.)
GRETCHEN: Excuse me ma'am, but who ate your house?
The Brats
(Edna, Gretchen)
EDNA:
THOSE BRATS
THOSE VANDALS
I JUST CAME HOME
AND SAW THEM CHOWING DOWN
IT'S SUCH
A SCANDAL
YOU LEAVE THEM ALONE
AND THEY EAT YOUR HOUSE TO THE GROUND!
AT FIRST GLANCE,
THEY LOOK DELIGHTFUL
GRETCHEN: I know...
EDNA:
GIVE THEM CHANCE
THEY TURN OUT FRIGHTFUL
GRETCHEN: You don't have to tell me!
EDNA: Oh, do you know them?
GRETCHEN: Erm, yes, they are my children. They ate my house as well. It seems like a bad habit they've developed.
EDNA: Your children? But you're much to kind.
GRETCHEN: Well, actually, they're my husband's. You know how men are.
EDNA: Yes, I know...By the way, I'm Edna Krubsack
GRETCHEN: Gretchen Goldschmidt. Oh I just feel terrible about this!
I TOLD MY HUSBAND DEAREST
TO TAKE THEM TO THE NEAREST
ORPHANAGE
BUT THAT'S TOO HARD FOR HIM
I TOLD MY HUSBAND SWEETEST
BUT I COULD HAVE DONE IT NEATEST
DRAG 'EM DOWN AND GIVE 'EM BOTH AWAY
BUT IT'S HIS FAULT, THAT'S WHAT WE'LL SAY!
EDNA: Oh, I like that idea! Blame it on your husband!
GRETCHEN: Of course!
EDNA:
BUT, BUT, BUT
WHAT WILL I EAT?
THEY'VE DEVOURED MY CANDY GARDEN
I SHOULD'VE CALLED THE WARDEN
WHEN I SAW THEM PIGGING OUT
THEY ATE MY LOLLY-POPPIES
AND ALL MY CANDY CORN
I TRIED TO MAKE THEM STOP
HE'S MADE ME SO FORLORN
SHE'S MADE ME CRY AND MOURN
I KNOW
GRETCHEN:
YOU KNOW
BOTH:
YOU/I WISH THEY'D NEVER
BEEN BORN...
THE BRATS!
GRETCHEN: Well, I have to say I do feel somewhat responsible for this, even if they are my husband's children. But, I have an idea. I need to get rid of these children before I get pushed off the edge and you need to eat. They've fattened up nicely, so what's say we eat them? I know, it's very prehistoric and wicked, but cannibalism is actually quite popular over in Asia. Very...Zen!
EDNA: Well, I suppose it wouldn't be too bad, after a good, long roasting. And we can have them with a side dish of garlic mashed potatoes. I got the recipe from the last Marta Stuverthausen catalog. They are quite good with Big Bad Wolf-Pot-Pie.
GRETCHEN: Sounds good to me! But how to demise those little devils...I've got it! (Calling to HANSEL and GRETEL) HANSEL! GRETEL! Look, a cotton candy castle!!
HANSEL: Where?!
(HANSEL and GRETEL waddle offstage. GRETCHEN picks up a large slab of toffee and SHE chucks it offstage. There is a dull thud and a little girl's scream. EDNA tosses the head of a candy cane boomerang-style offstage and there is another dull thud.)
GRETCHEN: (Beat) Good aim!
EDNA: Thank you!
GRETCHEN: Now, let's cut them up, box them up, you gather what's left of your garden and we'll hit the road. We'll go back to my place and build a huge mansion and live there forever and ever.
EDNA: What about your husband?
GRETCHEN: I have a plan. Don't you worry!
(GRETCHEN and EDNA exit. Blackout. END OF SCENE THREE.)
SCENE FOUR: Happy Ever After?
Orch. Music: Scene Change Interlude 3
(Lights come back up on GRETCHEN sprawled on the chaise lounge, in the same spot as the beginning of the show.)
GRETCHEN: And so, Edna and I returned to my home that evening. As for my husband...
(In a spot lighted section of the stage, HUSBAND enters.)
We told him that there was a magic Beer Fountain just over the Tallest of Tall Cliffs. He immediately left, hoping to bottle enough to make a fortune at the market. Of course, there really was no Beer Fountain and he fell to his miserable death, involving sharp rocks, sharp glass, and not so sharp wits.
(HUSBAND falls off the cliff. Spot light down.)
And so, Edna and I built a mansion out of brick, wood, candy, and the newly invented steel – the industry was skyrocketing, I can tell you – and we hired maids, butlers, and any other service imaginable so the Witch and I would never have to leave the house. We just lived here in luxury for a good, long time and did we ever come out? (Beat.) Not yet.
My Side of the Story (Reprise)/ Finale
(Gretchen, Company)
GRETCHEN:
THE PLAY IS OVER
THE STORY'S ENDED
AND AREN'T YOU GLAD
YOU KNOW THE REAL WAY
THESE THINGS GO?
(CAST enters.)
GRETCHEN:
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIVE
WHAT YOU HEAR
HUSBAND:
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIVE
WHAT PEOPLE TELL YOU
HANSEL & GRETEL:
PEOPLE MAY TELL YOU LIES
PULL THE WOOL OVER YOUR EYES
EDNA:
BUT DON'T BELIEVE THEM
OR YOU'LL END UP CONFUSED
ALL:
LIARS WILL LIE ALL YOUR LIFE
CAUSE YOU SADNESS
CAUSE YOU STRIFE
JUST IGNORE THEM AND
THE TRUTH WILL SOAR
AND YOU'LL END UP
LEARNING MORE
JUST KNOW THE TRUTH
WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR GUIDE
STRETCH YOUR WINGS AND
LIFT YOU TO THE SKY!
GRETCHEN:
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIEVE
WHAT YOU HEAR
EDNA:
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIEVE
WHAT PEOPLE TELL YOU
ALL:
PEOPLE MAY TRY DECEPTION
CAUSE YOU GRIEF AND APREHENSION
YOU MIGHT SNAP FROM ALL THE TENSION
JUST TRY TO START RELAXING
BEING NERVOUS IS QUITE TAXING
AND, OH MY GOSH, THE PLAY IS ALMOST DONE!
DON'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU HEAR AT FIRST
OR YOU MAY JUST BOOM AND BURST
KNOW THE TRUTH AND YOU WILL HAVE MORE FUN!
(Black out.)
END OF PLAY