Ch. 4 There's no such thing as privacy

Disclaimer: Kvun does not own Harry Potter or any of the other characters in this story with the exception of Professor Jennings.

Kvun:

A/n: Laughs dryly

James mentally sighed (A/N: Don't ask me how that's possible). Just when we were getting to the good part...

"Uh... oh. Um, morning Professor Jennings..." said James, still in a semi-lip lock with Hermione.

"Yes... Good morning indeed," she replied icily, "Might I ask you what you are doing with your hands up a young girls blouse kissing her rather loudly in a dark corridor when you should be your common room like everyone else?"

"Well... uh... yes ma'am...see...I was just showing my...eh, friend here some of my uh... stuff and well..." James stopped to rethink his bad choice of words.

"YOUNG MAN! I suggest you show her your "stuff" when and where it is more appropriate," uttered the shuddering professor.

There was a piercing silence where the 3 people just stared at each other. No one moved a muscle. Personally, Professor Jennings reminded Hermione of Professor McGonagall: all uptight, strict and probably would never have been caught dead with a boys hands up her shirt during her youth.

James quickly replied in a rather high voice, "Yes ma'am... somewhere more appropriate..."

James grinned and finally released Hermione who had remained silent during the entire exchange. Under the professor's watchful eye, James settled for holding her hand for now, knowing that he'd get some more later on. They walk down the hall through a passage and heard Professor Jennings as she walked away, muttering something about what this generation was coming to.

They walked down an empty corridor. Hermione didn't know where they were going, so she settled for following James silently, envying the way he seemed nearly feminine in his catlike grace. He was, after all, one of the founders of the Marauder's Map. But what neither of them knew was that they were secretly being followed.

He had to run to keep up with James and Hermione. But it was a quest, and a knight never gives up. Eventually, he ended up taking off his armor because it was much too warm and slowed him down too much. Short and stubby with a big beard, he had abandoned his gigantic sword a long time ago because that was just too much to lug around all the time. (A/n: think of him as Gimli, from the lord of the rings except without the braids in the beard).

Every time he arrived at the edge of one, he jumped and landed in the next portrait. And under his breath, he repeated the same words:

"Fair lady, you will soon belong to Sir Cadogan!"

The three of them took the winding narrow passageway without ever pausing which annoyed the knight to no end. Eventually they reached a dead end. Sir Cadogan was delighted. He had them cornered! Now all he had to do was get rid of the boy.

"Uh... James what are we doing here? It's a dead end," said a puzzled Hermione.

But James just smiled.

"Close your eyes love," he said.

Merlin, thought Sir Cadogan in his head, that young bloke is going to taint my lady by making her close her eyes and doing ungodly things to her; I must stop him.

Hermione did as she was told and closed her eyes. And then she heard chanting:

"Noncompos mentis Dogxes," James recited.

There was a slight creek and James smiled. Where there was once a blank wall now stood a bright gleaming oak door with an ancient looking doorknob. James turned around and picked Hermione up. She let out a small gasp of surprise but kept her eyes shut.

James walked into the chamber. He's only been in here once before and that was with Lily. Still it was a magnificent place. There was a giant canopy bed in the centre with a tall wine rack in the corner (the bottles were not filled with wine of course; somehow, the room always knew when its occupants were too young to drink). All scattered around the room were different shaped comfy sofas that were so fluffy it felt like you were sitting on a cloud. The entire place was of maroon colour. Everywhere, the bed, the walls, the ceiling, even the floor. On the sides of the room hung many portraits; the centre was one of a very handsome blond man wearing a maroon cloth covering the greater part of his body and acted as something of a toga. His eyes were animated and lively and so although he stood still in one pose, it was clear that he could move if he wanted to. His eyes watched beadily as James walked in carrying Hermione. He smiled silently and then arranged his facial expressions back into their original neutral form. Under his portrait was a gold plate engraved: The All Mighty Dogxes, "Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt..."

(Cue romantic music)

James gently set Hermione down onto one of the larger round maroon sofas.

"You can open your eyes now," whispered James softly.

Hermione blinked seeing James standing over her. She smiled at him. James snapped his fingers and from out of nowhere appeared 2 champagne flutes glasses. A wine bottle filled with red liquid soared from its rack and poured itself into the glasses.

Hermione gazed in awe as she looked around in the magnificent room.

"Do you like it? Sorry about the mock-Merlots though; I've tried but I can't seem to get the room to give me real alcohol," asked James nervously, taking a sip of his drink.

"Do I like it? I'll let you be the judge of that," replied Hermione as she pulled James down and kissed him passionately. The poor glass slipped from the boy's startled fingers and hit the floor, shattering.

(End romantic music)

Outside, Sir Cadogan stomped his feet furiously as the door to the chamber slammed shut. How could he let them get away? He did not dare follow them now for he was not sure whether or not there was a portrait in that room. If there wasn't, then he'd be in trouble because he'd just jump never end up landing.

He turned around and sighed. If he that happened, then he would never be able to save his lady. Suddenly, he heard the sound of glass shattering.

"Merlin!" he yelled alarmed. "You bloody mongrel! What hast thou done to my gentle lady?"

And so, he ran yelling at the top of his lungs like a maniac through his portrait hoping to God that he would land somewhere safe.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Sir Cadogan appearing out of no where into one of the portraits near the door.

Hermione shrieked and tumbled from the bed onto the ground where the glass had broken and ended up cutting herself as she, like James, was only partially dressed.

James blinked and searched frantically for the cause of the pained cry.

"Hermione! Are you ok?" asked James helping her up.

"Ow..." she moaned as blood dripped down her leg.

"Here, I'll help, cicatrisorus!" he bellowed. Instantly, the pain was gone, but blood still remained.

Sir Cadogan brushed himself off from his giant leap. He looked at his right arm. Then his left. Ok, he thought, I'm obviously still alive. He looked around and saw the blood on Hermione.

"BLOODY HELL! IN THE NAME OF MERLIN, WHAT THE FU- " he began to yell.

"Are you doing here?" demanded the portrait of Dogxes. A few of the other portraits began to move and muttered as well. Suddenly, Hermione and James noticed that all these portraits had been staring at them the whole time while they were making out and undoing each other's robes.

"You – you guys can see us?" asked Hermione as if this were all some joke.

"In the name for all that is good, how you dare interrupt them while they were trying to fit in a good old fashioned snogging session in between classes!?" yelled Dogxes.

"You guys can see us?" asked Hermione again, at the edge of laughter.

"Have you no shame!" yelled another portrait glaring at Sir Cadogan.

"YOU GUYS CAN SEE US?!" yelled Hermione looking hysterical.

"Uh, duh?" Said a portrait, rolling his eyes.

"WHAT KIND OF PERVERTED VOYEURING PLACE IS THIS?!" demanded Hermione causing James to back away.

"Well, you should know, there's no such thing as 100 privacy here at Hogwarts," replied a portrait.

"Be gone Sir Cagonen!" boomed Dogxes taking out his wand.

"Actually it's Cadogan..." began the knight.

"WHATEVER!" yelled Dogxes impatiently as he sent a streak of maroon light straight at Sir Cadogan who was sent flying into the air and was very soon out of sight.

"Now, you may return to what you were doing before," said Dogxes rather lightly as if nothing had happened returning to his original pose once again. All the other portraits did the same.

Hermione faced James but far from kissing him again, she spoke rather strangely:

"Listen, I really like you and all, and I'd do anything to snog you, but to be honest, I think that the mood's been shot, re-awoken from the dead and shot again... and with all these people watching...well, maybe some other time, okay?"

She fixed up her robes and walked to the door and blew James a kiss and walked out.

James threw himself onto a couch and sighed.

"Uh... hi..." started a voice a voice. It was another portrait.

James looked up.

"Yeah, that girl over there," he said pointing at a portrait of a fat brunette wearing a maroon night gown, "wants you to know that once she's set free from her portrait, she'll be a single looking for an unforgettable night." The girl began to giggle uncontrollably.

James blinked. Once having registered what had just been said, he summoned his shirt and slipped it on at lightning speed and promptly ran away as fast as his deliciously slim legs could carry him.

Kvun: so how do you like it? It's longer I know, but I had so much to write. Do you like it? Please review my story! I also want to thank all my loyal fans and such just because I'm nice. Ok ciao then.

A/n: The rewrites in this version of the password into Dogxes' room is Latin for "of unsound mind" and Dogxes' personal quote is his favourite pick up line, which when translated into English means, "You know, the Romans invented the art of love..." :P

Kvun: Yeah, well actually I didn't really know all that crap about Dogxes history, I just made it up with "Sex God" spelt backwards, but I'm sure her version's also very creative.