Chapter 13
Regrets
Karst lay on her bed, a few thick woolen blankets around her as she tossed and turned in a fitful sleep.
The day had been anything but easy; she'd spent the whole time constantly staying away from the Adepts who had come to pay a visit to the winter-locked town. She hadn't been able to face Felix, Karst had caught a glimpse of him when the group had made their way into the village, a small crowd had gathered to welcome them. Holding them up, while she had moved to a different part of the village. Agatio had sought her out in the evening, and they'd had words. But in the end he had simply returned to the Inn in defeat.
"No..." Karst muttered in her sleep, rolling over onto her side. Her face pained, as the fire in the corner flared slightly with her emotions. "No... I'm sorry, I didn't mean... Felix, no..." She whimpered, caught up in her dream. In her memories "I didn't see... I... Felix... I'm sorry..."
--Flashback—
Blood. There was so much of it. On my hands, my clothing, even my face. Some was splattered across my cheek. I reached up with one sopping hand, the leather of my gloves covered in crimson. I touched one finger to my tongue, tasting his blood and grinned.
It was sweet with victory.
The handle of my scythe was slick with his blood, his life trailing down the fine blade. It dripped slowly from the curved point, slipping down to stain the indigo tile beneath us. In my blood-lust, I could just barely make out the beacon, shining magnificently atop the Aerie. With me standing over him, as he must have done for my sister and Saturos. This victory was for them.
I glanced over and saw Agatio mimicking my feelings. Saturos had been like a brother, now the both of us had claimed our vengeance. At his feet he had proved his worth as a warrior, something that would have made Saturos proud. Isaac's companions lay bleeding before him. A blue-haired man, I had at first taken for that cretin Alex, I had watched Agatio cut him down swiftly. Quickly moving on to the young blonde girl who had appeared soon after.
I knew that later, I would feel sorrow for needing to kill Felix's sister. He would be heart broken. I wasn't looking forward to it in the least. He wouldn't understand, and I didn't expect him too. But that wasn't important at the moment.
I glanced down at my opponent, and he glared back defiantly. His golden hair matted by his own blood, sticking to his scalp. His face was bruised and bleeding in various places. His clothing was bloody and there were deep slashes where my scythe had caught him. The fool, he hadn't attacked Agatio or I once. He had been far to preoccupied with healing his friends. And look at where that had gotten him.
I took my scythe, and carefully ran the dull edge across his neck. Painting a line with his own blood to mark where I would take his head. Cornflower eyes seemed to loose their focus; meaning him close to death. I placed one foot over the slash wound on his shoulder. Pressing down on it, harder and harder, wanting to hear him scream. He didn't and I raised my scythe. Ready too deal the final blow, my grin growing broader at the notion. In only a few moments, there would be nothing left of my sister's killer.
"You two surprise me. Turning on him like that." The voice caught off guard, and I spun to face the owner. My anger flared as I saw Alex standing there, looking over the scene in amusement. Dressed head to toe in pale blues and violets, numerous canisters at his belt, no doubt filed with herbs and salves. His silver-teal hair hung across one of his sapphire eyes as he viewed the carnage.
"Alex." Agatio snarled, "Where did you run off too, you little coward?" Alex merely cocked an aqua eye-brow at us as he came forward. That amusement faded as he stepped lightly to avoid the blood covering the both of us.
"I was merely watching your little battle from the side-lines." The Adept commented, glancing again to where Isaac lay dying on the ground. He licked his lips in distaste, cold eyes darting between the three of us.
"What is it?" I hissed, "Can't you see what we're about to do?" I asked in a chill tone. Alex's eye brows creeping up his forehead.
"I," he said in a regal tone, the one I loathed. "Was under the impression that the both of you were here, too aid Felix in his quest." His voice dipped low for a moment, "And to kill Isaac, so as too repay his debt to your family." I glared up into his icy face. He was showing a complete lack of emotion, it was one of the many things I despised about him.
"What of it?" I asked sharply, his eyes looking over me in an un-nerving way.
"Menardi told you about regrets, did she not?" He asked, my anger spiked again. This was neither the time nor the place to be discussing this. And I said as much. Alex blinked and shrugged slightly, glancing over my shoulder at where Isaac still lay defeated.
"In either case." He said in a bored tone. "I believe; that you have just fallen into a similar predicament, as your friend's before you." I was about to reply to him, an insult fully-formed in my mouth, when behind me I heard;
"Isaac! Hurry, everyone! Felix and the others have taken far too long!" My stomach clenched, as I heard the old man's thin, reedy voice over the winds around the beacon.
'Felix...?' My world began to spin, I couldn't turn around. I knew Isaac was behind me, dying… Wasn't he?
"Seeing as how you left an injured Isaac with his friends, on the balcony below us," Alex stated calmly, sweat beading on my forehead as I heard the voices coming closer. "And how you purposely told Felix to come up here, I thought you knew what you were doing. Was I, wrong?"
"K-Karst?" The voice, it was different. In the battle, it-it had been higher, slightly younger. I turned, praying, praying to wake up.
It was him. It was Felix. Covered in his own blood. Dark eyes, un-focusing. My vision swam for a moment, nausea hitting me hard. I was able to watch as hair I had seen as being bright and spiked, showing itself to be dark, and coarse. His clothing returning to normal. Not those outrageous blues and gold's, but deep greens and browns. His eyes, I could never forgive myself for the illusion, how could I have seen his warm eyes, as naïve and foolish? How? Why?
"K-Karst... Ag-gatio...?" He stuttered, blood seeping past his lips. Just as it poured from the wounds he had been dealt. The wounds I had given him. His voice hoarse as he tried to make sense of what we had done "W-why did you...? W-what did...?"
I didn't know; the world was spinning so fast. My scythe slid from my grasp, clattering to the blood-soaked ground. And I looked over myself in horror.
There was so, much, blood...
It coated the ground so thickly; I could see my own terrified reflection in it. My face, my hair, legs, arms, hands, everywhere. Even my cloak was sopping in blood. Part of me rationalized that it wasn't all his, that no one person could bleed so much. That some of it was my own and Agatio's as well as his companions. But it did little, if anything, to help comfort me now. What had we done?
"Let's go." I said numbly, for a moment I didn't recognize my own voice. "Now. We can't take another battle." The other two nodded, Agatio in much the same state as I. Neither of us truly able to grasp what had just happened.
Alex didn't argue, for once. He pushed Agatio and I in the general direction of the lift, as he moved the other way for a moment. As I stumbled down the steps, Agatio next to me, I would have looked back too see what Alex was doing. But looking back would have meant seeing again what we had done.
I crouched near the wall of the Elevator as Alex jumped on. I looked at what he held in one gloved hand. He dropped it in front of my in distaste, and then moved away from it as if it were some viper that would strike. It was my scythe.
I couldn't touch it. It was coated so thickly in Felix's blood... the metal seemed as if it had been made to look red. Tears were streaming down my face I realized. I reached up with one hand to wipe it away, and I almost gagged at the feel of my blood-soaked fingers touching my skin. I only just kept myself from touching my mouth with the same hand, to make sure I wasn't sick, this only making things worse.
I remember so little of our return to the ship. Once we were away from the Lighthouse, Alex summoned up his Psynergy. Sending us straight to where we had docked to the north. Steering clear of the Inlet.
I vaguely remember climbing on board. I completely ignored Alex as I went below-decks, instantly locking myself in the small cabin I'd claimed as my own. I stood in the center of the small space, I couldn't sit down on the bed; I was still coated in blood. Nor could I sit on the small stool, for the same reason.
So I just stood, tears welling up and falling silently. A minor testament to my pain. To his pain. That I'd caused. I was always the one causing him pain. And it was always the last thing I wanted.
'Not enough to be blinded by it.' I almost laughed; I'd said I wasn't blinded by my rage. But that had been the only thing atop the lighthouse that had made me fight. Made me turn against Felix. What had we said anyways? I couldn't think straight. I almost laughed, but I couldn't manage it, everything on the inside hurting far too much.
"Karst?" the door to my cabin swung open, Alex striding in with a large bucket of water. I glared at him, anger running off me in waves. I didn't need that bastard seeing me like this. Why the hell couldn't he just disappear like that night he had first shown up?
Alex met my enraged glare with that same level of calm he always had. "You're covered in blood. And unless you want to show up in Prox looking like that, I suggest you clean up." He set the bucket down near me, and looked me in the eye before turning on his heel and striding out, closing the door firmly behind him.
I was shaking I realized, feeling tears still spilling down my face. I cursed darkly, my voice faltering even as I did so. My anger doubling over as I realized I'd just allowed that creep to see me crying.
I looked over the bucket he'd left behind. It was filled with warm water. A cloth, one that looked as if it had seen better days, hung on the rim. There were a few more towels as well for drying off.
I couldn't seem to stop shaking as I knelt down next to it. I cringed as I peeled my gloves off, they were no longer soaked. Instead, they had grown stiff with drying blood.
'Oh gods... We killed him, I just know we did...' I thought, trying to bite back sobs as I plunged both hands into the water. I rubbed my hands together, feeling some of the crusted blood fall away. I grabbed the small cloth on the rim, using it to scrub at my skin.
"No... 'We' didn't kill Felix... I did..." After a few minutes I stood, I unclasped my cloak, tossing it into the same corner as my gloves. I swiftly pulled off the blood-crusted armor I had been wearing, all of it landing in the corner farthest from me. Leaving me with only the softer garments I'd had on underneath.
I was beginning to sob uncontrollably as I tried to wash away the blood. Tears still running down my cheeks as I scrubbed at my face. My movements becoming more brisk, more frantic, even though at the time, I didn't notice.
"No, no, no... Felix, no, you can't be dead. N-not because of me... Please..." I couldn't get clean. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get his blood off of me. I looked over my arms, where I had been trying my hardest to rid myself of it all. Maybe I should have waited a while, perhaps changed the water, it was already red with the blood I had wiped off. But for some reason I couldn't think straight.
Common sense seemed so far away. It was like when I'd found out about Menardi, and then had it all confirmed by Felix. I hadn't been able to think straight when that had happened. I can safely assume that was what was happening now as well. But it was still all too hard to grasp.
'I lost my parents, I lost Saturos, I lost Menardi, Please, Felix; I can't loose you too...' I looked over my skin; it had always been rosy, always; that was just me. But it was darker than it should be. If I could have thought straight, I might have realized that it was because I had been rubbing it for a while now. But I couldn't, so I didn't. In my eyes, it was all blood.
I hadn't noticed how much water I'd spilled onto the floor, and myself. Not until I plunged my hands back into the water and found it only reached half-way up my elbows. I didn't care though; all that mattered was getting Felix's blood off of me.
Sometime while I was scrubbing at my arms, the cloth was lost. My nails beginning to tear rents in my own flesh without my even noticing. I didn't stop, or realize what I was doing to myself, until I leaned forward a bit more, and my tears began to hit my arms. I jumped as the salt aggravated one the welts. I looked down, actually looked, and saw my own blood seeping out, mingling with his.
It was the most sick, and morbid thing I had ever seen. And it didn't help me at all. I wrapped my bleeding arms around myself as I shook, tears still pouring out, feeling as if they would never end. I could hardly think past the pain, both on the inside, and out. I didn't even hear Agatio when he knocked on the door.
"Karst?" He asked, knocking again before opening it a bit and peeking in, "Karst, it's me, are you—Karst!" I didn't look up as he rushed over to me, slamming the door behind himself. "By Mars, Karst, what are you doing?" He asked worriedly, he moved the bucket aside and wrapped one of the towels around my shoulders.
"Is everything alright in here you—"
"ALEX. OUT. NOW!" Agatio shouted, turning on the other Adept, small sphere's flying from his hands and at the door. Alex gave a stunned look, gasped, and slammed the door shut as the fire rammed into the wood. I could hear him biting off curses as he walked away. Though I was unable too really think on it as I tried to answer my friend's question.
"I-I didn't, I couldn't feel..." I stuttered, at a loss for words as the tears just kept coming. "I killed him Agatio; it-it's all my fault... If I'd only thought a bit more clearly then..."
"Karst, come on now." He said reassuringly, settling down next to me, he took one of my hands, "We both just made; possibly one of the biggest mistakes of our lives." He said softly, I just couldn't stop the tears, "But at the moment, there isn't anything we can do about that. We have to trust to fate."
"How?" I asked, I sounded so weak, I'd never felt so helpless before. Agatio rubbed my back reassuringly.
"Felix has a particular destiny." He replied, "And you and I just have to hope, and maybe pray, that Fate isn't done with him just yet, and that it'll help him through this."
Agatio got up and left, and for a while I thought he was done talking to me. But he returned a few minutes later with a few rolls of gauze. He was patient with me as he helped to bandage my arms,
"Why does he always do this to me?" I asked quietly as I sat on the small bed. Agatio using one of the spare towels too sop up some of the water staining the floor.
"Do what?" He asked, not looking at me as he rung the water out and into the bucket. He cringed slightly as he and I both noted how red it was as the water splashed down.
"Put me on edge," I replied, bringing my knees up to my face. "Break down my walls without trying. Before he came, I'd only ever cried because of my parents, you, Menardi, and Saturos. In only three years I can hardly keep them back around him." There seemed to be a very long silence after this, broken only by the occasional groan of the ship's planks.
"He's important to you." Agatio stated, wringing out the towel again over the bucket.
"What do you mean?" I asked calmly.
"The night Felix was... injured... You wept for him, I saw that. You care about him a lot." I glanced up as he turned to face me, "Menardi made you tell her everything, and you started crying. Understandably of course, I'm pretty sure I caught her crying as well. But you still shed tears for Felix above yourself." I looked away at his words, I don't know why, I just did.
"That doesn't matter anymore." I said flatly. "It doesn't matter how important he may, or may not have been to me. Because I was so vengeful, there's nothing left to care about." Agatio frowned, dropping the subject as he seemed content with how much water he'd gotten off the floor. "It still smells of blood..." I said numbly, Agatio frowned.
"We can swap rooms for the night, you need your rest." I shook my head.
"You're the one who took on three people who actually fought back. You're the one who needs the most rest." I said flatly, no longer meeting his eyes. "If... if it bothers me to much I'll just sleep up on deck, it's nothing to worry about Agatio." My friend nodded and was quiet for a moment, I just sat there curled up on the bed.
"You should, try to get some sleep, Karst." He suggested, "We'll reach Prox in a few days, and then we'll have to climb the Lighthouse." I nodded as he bent down to pick up the bucket on the ground. He hoisted it up and strode from the cabin without another word.
"Agatio." I called, having not moved yet from my place as he doubled back. I looked over and saw the trace amounts of concern in his eyes; it reminded me slightly of when Felix had told me about how he worried for his friends. "W-what do we tell them?" I asked quietly, Agatio blinked, not understanding the question.
"In Prox." I said, "What do we tell the Valians? Felix's parents and Isaac's father? They'll have questions, what do we say?" Agatio bit his lip as he thought for a moment.
"We'll address it when the time comes, Karst." He said calmly "Don't think on it now. Get some rest." I nodded as he left again, pulling the door closed as he moved down the hall.
My cloths were filthy, but I didn't have the energy to get up and change. For some reason, all of my strength seemed to have drained away. Carefully, I reached to the head of the bed, and grabbed the covers tucked tightly underneath. I pulled them down and, a bit uncoordinated, I managed to move under them. A few tears slipped down, but I was too tired to wipe them away. I let them trickle down onto the covers as I buried my face into the pillow, knowing that at the very least I would be plagued by nightmares…
…When we finally arrived in Prox, Alex vanished again; he said something the night before about us being perfectly capable of climbing the Lighthouse on our own. We didn't believe him, but neither Agatio nor I were willing to put up much of a fight to keep him. Who would?
Everything went so smoothly while we were in the village, nothing exceedingly awkward occurring while we made ready to head to the Lighthouse. At least, not until the morning we were supposed to leave.
It was something Agatio and I had both been expecting, and dreading above all else. We were all having breakfast at the Inn the day we were set to leave. Agatio's mother fussing over every little thing in order to make the meal perfect, and for the most part it was. Someone knocked at the Inn door while Agatio was showing off to his sisters. The older one, Maria, looking skeptical as he told them about the people in Loho. Making the miners out to be huge oafs, whose strength he'd had to match. The younger one, Jamie, only about five or six, bouncing up and down on her brother's knee as he told them more.
"Of course Martha, we were just finishing up breakfast, I'm sure they can spare a moment." I glanced over my shoulder and my smile slipped, Agatio's mother welcoming in the Valians.
"Agatio, Karst?" Martha, Felix's mother said quietly as I stood and turned to face the three of them fully. Agatio setting his sister down and came up next to me, ignoring the small child as she whined. "Do you think we could... speak with you?" She asked, Agatio and I exchanged glances before nodding.
"Is there something wrong?" I asked as we moved down-stairs to where the guest beds were, playing fools for the time being. I glanced over and saw her biting her lip for a moment, standing close to her husband.
"We, we heard about Saturos and Menardi," She said quietly, I smothered the odd feeling inside of me at my sister's name. I had no right to feel sorry for myself when I knew what they were talking about. I almost missed her next comment as I tried to beat back the impending dread pooling in my stomach. "We're so sorry for you, for both of you but..." She paused again, Kyle picking up where she'd left off.
"I know you didn't go as far as Vale." He said softly, I could see a glimmer of hope in his eyes, "But—"
"Isaac?" I interrupted, having mixed feelings about him. A part of me wanted to blame all the pain I was feeling on Isaac. But that would have been cowardly, all that I could set on him was Menardi's death, everything else was my own fault. "He's alive." I said simply, debating with myself whether or not to tell them that his son had killed Menardi. I think it was the sudden relief, something that bridged on both joy and sorrow that kept me silent.
I glanced at Felix's parents for a moment, sensing the reserved hope in them both. I opened my mouth to tell them the truth. Not all of it, not how I'd killed my own friend, but that he and his sister were both dead, But...
"They're fine. Both of them. Jenna and Felix travel together now."
"Felix and Jenna both helped to fire Jupiter Lighthouse. They should be coming to Prox soon as well." I glanced at Agatio, who again mirrored my expression. Nether one of us was innocent. Agatio had fought Jenna; I'd killed her brother, the one who had spent the past three years constantly worrying over her... We shared the guilt, so… we shared the lie as well.
"Thank goodness." Felix's mother whispered, leaning against her husband who wrapped his arms around her gently. Isaac's father had gone to stand in a corner, on fist over his mouth, eyes closed in what seemed like prayer.
"We should be going now." Agatio said briskly, he looked and sounded tense as he made his way over to the steps, vanishing up in an instant.
"Thank you again, Karst." That was all the warning I had before Felix's mother wrapped her arms around me in a grateful embrace. It might have been a bit less awkward if she'd known the truth about what had happened, but if she had… Would she have even wanted to be in the same room as me?
I didn't trust myself to speak as I returned the gesture, albeit nervously, but I did. I knew she'd hate me when her children didn't come, when she realized the lie, but until then... I tried to tell myself I was doing her a favor in letting her believe they were still out there. Tried to ignore the guilt growing inside.
I noted a reserved look in her husband's eyes as she pulled away from me and went to him. She swayed slightly as she stood there, so he led her to one of the beds so she could sit down. I took my chance to escape up the steps to the common room, making sure none of my emotions showed through as I came to the entrance.
I made my good-byes as quickly as I could. But I didn't want to rush Agatio at all. I didn't have anyone who would really care for me. But he still had a large family who loved him.
I quickly moved to the door after making a light-hearted promise to Jamie that I'd bring her brother back safely. I grabbed my small pack from beside the door, pausing for a brief moment as I saw my Scythe lying there waiting. I'd cleaned the blade and sharpened it to a point while still on the boat. Forcing back all emotion as I'd cleared away all the blood.
I grabbed it off the floor and stepped outside so I couldn't hear Agatio and his family, cementing my walls in place as I waited in the snow. Another fierce storm had blown in, from a direction we weren't used to, and that had put the entire village on high-alert. The winds were blowing in from across the void. Something dangerous and unpredictable. The common fear was, with the lightning striking in, that the Lighthouse would be lost before Alchemy could be unleashed. Another reason to give Agatio some more time with his family.
"Karst!" I glanced over my shoulder, a bit surprised as I saw Felix's father walking towards me. The winds plastering ice to his face, whipping his cloak around though I hadn't noticed it was so strong. I felt a flash of nervousness as he came up, but shoved it away; emotion wasn't what I needed now. I had to be focused on my goal.
"Karst, I need to speak with you." He said over the winds, I turned to face him completely.
"About what?" I asked, trying to maintain that level of calm I'd been taught. He seemed to puff up a bit. I noticed how this was one of the few times that the weather didn't effect him.
"About what you said back there." He replied simply. I swallowed slightly at the look in his eyes, they seemed almost blank. "Tell me what happened Karst. You were Felix's friend; tell me why my son isn't coming back." My parted slightly, but nothing more than shocked silence escaped them. I tried to say something to tell him he was wrong. But I couldn't form the words; I couldn't spin a deeper lie. So I just turned away from him, away from his questioning eyes.
"What's done is done." I said. "Can you blame me for lying?"
"Tell me what happened." He ordered moving to stand in front of me, but I couldn't. I could barely convince myself of what had happened, I couldn't tell him.
"Isaac will be able to tell you what happened." I replied coldly. He blinked, but wouldn't let it go. Instead he changed the question, to something that shocked me even more.
"Why aren't you coming back?" He asked me over the winds. Again, I could only stare.
"W… What?" I asked, shaken and unable to hide it.
"You have no intentions of returning to Prox Karst." He replied. "Agatio does, but you don't. I can see it in your eyes. Just like I could see how you were lying about my son." I turned away again, walking a few steps before I paused and shook my head.
"Why should I come back?" I asked coldly, "Menardi was it. There isn't anything left for me in Prox, or-or anywhere. Why should I keep going if there's nothing?" I chuckled slightly as I turned to face him again. "My sister was right." I said, "You go out there, and you come back with nothing but regrets." I gestured to the south, to the rest of the world, with my scythe. The same weapon that had taken Felix's life.
"I'm going to Mars Lighthouse, to try and make up for killing, one of the last important people in my life."
--End Flashback--
Karst's eyes shot open, and she sat up straight in bed. Her vision was blurred for a moment as she glanced around her small room. It taking a moment before she realized that there were tears flooding her eyes, again.
"Damn it." She muttered to herself as she scrubbed at her eyes, wiping the tears away, only to have more spring up in their stead. "Stop, crying." She ordered, only to fail half-way through the order as her voice caught on a sob.
She rubbed her arms to try and calm herself after her dream, feeling that the deep gouges on her arm had healed over. Karst ran her hands up to her shoulders, her hands jumping away from the skin as she felt something unfamiliar. She bit off a curse as she firmly ran her hands over her skin, feeling the scar left from Mars Lighthouse. Perhaps not what most would call a scar, but it still made her self conscious.
She continued to run her hands over the skin, and Karst tried to get her breathing back under control. She held her head in her hands as she tried to block out the voices in her mind. Her own doubts and regrets.
She had been so sure she'd killed him, thought that he'd been gone forever. It had all been because she had held so much rage towards Isaac. She hadn't been able to shake that sense of guilt over lying. Even as she had made her way through the lighthouse, determined to try and set things right. In the end, that too had just ended up hurting him even more.
"I'm sorry..." She wept, knowing that it would never be enough. "Felix, I—" Karst was cut off as she tried to force back the pain inside her. She brought her knees up to her face and sobbed against the thick covers of her bed, her own thoughts hurting her.
Karst was so, sick, of crying like this. She hated how incredibly weak it made her feel. Like she couldn't do anything for herself to make it end. Having him back in the village, it should have helped her; it should have made her feel better. And it had, to a point. When she'd seen him entering the village, for a moment all of the pain she had been feeling for so long had all melted away. And she'd wanted nothing more than to go over and welcome him like so many others were.
Until reality had come crashing back. He hated her, he must. She'd almost killed him twice. The first time with no reason at all, completely unprovoked she and Agatio had tried to kill him, and his friends. If he was still the same Felix, then he'd hate her simply for harming his sister, not caring what she'd done to him. That was who he was, always seeming to put others first. It was one of the reasons she had come to...
"Felix," Karst sobbed bitterly, she wrapped her arms around her knees, trying to smother her cries, "I have no right to say I love you..."