Chapter 18

Never Understand.

Felix reached up once again to bang on the door, wanting to get out of the storm, and finally speak with Karst. He was almost positive she would have gone home, if she was in any way distressed, she wouldn't want to be around anyone. That was probably why she wasn't answering the—

Felix was almost surprised as the door gave way under his fist, swinging open to reveal Karst standing there warily. He was startled by her appearance. Her bobbed hair had begun to grow out into a style more familiar to him; already it was brushing against her shoulders in a more natural way instead of being tightly curled around her chin. Her clothing was more practical as well, a thick, bulky brown sweater over dark pants of the same material. But that was really all that he could see, even in the doorway the snow was swirling so much that her actual face was almost to obscured for him to see properly.

She eyed him a moment, he knew that much, looking as if she would close the door on him. But before she could make her choice, lightning flashed, followed closely by a clap of thunder, and she instantly moved to let him in.

He stumbled indoors, slightly surprised to find the house only the slightest bit warmer than the storm outside, and scrubbed the snow out of his hair. Even after such a short journey, he was soaked and freezing.

"Why are you here?" She asked shortly. Felix looked over at her, still breathing hard from getting here so quickly, and almost confused by the question. He stood straight and looked at her. Just looked at her, and nothing else, not wanting to speak just yet.

Karst looked much the same as she had earlier that same day, but at the same time she seemed both better and worse off. Here she was, standing before him healthy and in the flesh, but at the same time, she looked so… so tired... He could smell smoke from failed fires, and see the soot that had blackened her fingers slightly. Ruby eyes looked him up and down, something inside of them making her seem especially cautious. Rose colored lips were pursed slightly as she stood there, clearly awaiting his answer.

"Well?" She asked again, startling him slightly. Felix gathered himself, shaking his head and rolling his shoulders to ease the tension building between them.

"I came to see you." He said, his voice sounding rough even to his own ears. Not how he had planned on coming off to her. But Karst just nodded,

"What for?" She asked, taking a step to the side, still not taking her eyes off him. Did she not trust him? Was that why she was acting like this? "Would you like to sit down?" She asked, gesturing to the table behind him. Two chairs were set up, slightly crooked, but that was all.

"Yes, thank you." He said, taking the seat on the right, Karst moving, still cautiously, to take the opposite one. 'Why are you so jumpy?' Felix thought, though he wasn't sure if the question was directed at himself, or at Karst. The chair creeked once with his weight, and he felt his hands begin to unconsciously begin fiddling with the ends of his scarf. He'd thrown it on so quickly at the inn that it had begun choking him not halfway here.

"What did you want to talk about?" She asked, and Felix noted a slight tremor in her voice, 'What could holding Jenna have looked like to her? What could she have heard? Jenna's my sister, but would Karst have recognized her?' Although, judging by Piers' retelling, she hadn't. Felix took a deep breath to steel his nerves, and Karst seemed to, if it was possible, become even more tense, so he let the breath go.

"You were at the inn..." He said flatly, hiding a wince. 'Nice start.' He thought, 'Not, 'I've wanted to speak with you for a long time', or, 'There's so much I want to tell you.'' Felix was able to pull himself from his thoughts long enough to see Karst nod once; and that was all. She was tense. To tense, and now he was feeling the same way.

"What did you see?" 'Start blunt, end blunt. Great advice, Dad.'

"What do you think I saw?"

'You aren't going to give me a break, are you?' Felix bit his top lip for a moment, thinking his response over carefully, and cursing Jenna a hundred times over for those stupid motivational speeches.

"I don't know what you saw really, that's why I'm asking." Karst still didn't loosen up as she thought for a moment.

"It doesn't matter what I saw, or heard," she said, eyes suddenly narrowing "You don't care about those things. The questions you want answers too, I don't have." Felix blinked a few times,

"What? What are you talking about?" He asked, Karst huffed and turned sideways in her chair, looking away from him with one arm hooked over the back of it, a change, but not what he had been looking for. "Karst, answer me." He said,

He would have taken the words back the moment he heard that edge, but it was too late. Karst stiffened and her eyes snapped back, anger sparking,

"Who are you to order me around?" She hissed,

"Who cares? What are you implying?"

"Why should I tell you!"

"Damn it, Karst, answer me!" He shouted, getting to his feet, where had all of this anger come from? Karst followed in suit, and suddenly she was seething.

"Why should you care what I think I saw, when no matter what, you're just going to sail away again, and be with that Valean?" She shouted, jabbing him hard in the collar bone with one finger, before turning on her heel and crossing her arms, keeping her back to him.

"Is that all you heard?" He asked stupidly, taken aback that she'd gotten so worked up about such a small misunderstanding.

"What more do I need to know?" She spat, still not facing him. Felix almost smiled at her now. Jealous. Karst was Jealous. But you can only feel that way if... It was like a sudden weight around his heart had been released, and Felix felt like he was walking on air.

Now all he had to do was—

"I thought you were dead."

Everything stopped for a moment,

"What?" Was Karst shaking? Her shoulders, they...

"I thought I killed you, Felix..." Oh, that's what she...

"What... what happened atop Jupiter Lighthouse?" He'd almost forgotten about this part. Felix cringed as the opportunity to tell her that she'd just seen him with Jenna vanished for the time being.

Karst didn't reply, just shook her head and still didn't face him. Felix reached one hand out to her shoulder, but felt her flinch before she pulled away from him.

"What happened?" He asked again. He hated it, maybe he had promised in Mars Lighthouse that he didn't need to know, but the fact of the matter was… He did.

'Why the change? Why did you turn like that? What did I do?'

"Karst?" She just took another step away, and Felix moved from where he was standing, around to the other side of the table, finally tugging off the tangled mass of his scarf and dropping it simply to the floor in order to be rid of it.

He didn't see the light flickering in the stove.

"Karst, tell me."

He didn't see the candle flare in the corner.

"You betrayed us..." She breathed, she really was shaking.

'I know that, you told me that before...' He thought 'But how Karst? How did I betray your people? I set out to fire the Beacons, and that's what I did.'

"Why did you attack?" He asked, coming up behind her. Gently, carefully, Felix placed one hand on her shoulder, she tensed again, and he could feel her shaking even more. But she didn't pull away this time, and he placed his other hand on the opposite shoulder as well, standing close enough to feel her warmth.

Karst bent her head forward slightly.

"You want answers that I don't have." She whispered, "Now leave me alone." Her last words were spoken as a warning, but Felix didn't pull away, not yet.

"Karst."

"Leave me alone."

Felix paused for a moment; he knew she was close to tears again. She felt guilty about the Lighthouse's, so didn't that mean they couldn't talk about it?

'Not like this, Karst, I won't leave you alone when you're in pain like this.' He thought, 'I care to deeply for you.' Felix edged the slightest bit closer to her again, bringing his face close enough to the back of her head that he could feel the slight warmth she gave off. Slowly, he moved his hands from her shoulders down her arms, wanting to bring her closer to him, to hold her properly.

"You knew!" Felix took a startled step back, he blinked a few time before reaching up and gently touching his cheek, red and stinging from where Karst had just slapped him.

"You bastard, you knew! You knew Isaac was chasing them! You knew he was in the Lighthouse!" Tears were streaming down her face as she screamed at him, sobbing at the same time.

"Karst—" Felix stuttered, eyes wide as he took another step back, and ran up against the table.

"You betrayed them!" She screamed, her pain making her voice hoarse. "At the very end you betrayed them! Why? You knew Isaac was there and you did nothing to help them!" Karst shook her head, eyes closed, and turned away from him again, tears still streaming down her face.

"Karst... you weren't there..." He reasoned, "It was more complicated than that! You couldn't know!"

"Then tell me!" She shouted, spinning to face him again, anger growing in her voice. Felix opened his mouth to explain, only to find he couldn't form the words.

What had happened? They'd been atop the lighthouse, and he'd been worried about Sheba, so he'd gone back… And argued with Saturos and Menardi. So Isaac and the others had caught up with them.

Then what?

They'd fought, two against four, and Isaac had been the victor. Saturos and Menardi had plummeted into the Lighthouse after the Elemental Star.

What could he have done? At the time, he'd had the least amount of power. Isaac could have crushed him without breaking a sweat… But… he'd known Isaac, and he'd known why the beacons had to be fired.

And he hadn't said anything, before or after the battle. Hadn't tried too prevent the fighting, the bloodshed.

Felix felt his eyes widen slightly.

'Oh, Gods...'

"Felix?" Her voice was taught and he knew she wasn't finished yet. Karst was watching his face closely, watching for any kind of change. Felix swallowed slightly, shaking his head slowly, at a loss for words.

What difference could it have made?

How could he know the answer to that, if he had never even tried?

Didn't think. Didn't try.

'Is it really my fault...?'

"Karst, I—" He didn't get a chance to finish, Karst cracked her hand against his face again, this time he tasted blood seeping into his mouth.

"Don't you dare say you're sorry." She breathed, looking him firmly in the eyes "Don't you dare say you would change the past if you could, because you can't." Her voice broke half way through, and she turned away from him again, and Felix watched her raise one hand to her face, covering her mouth.

"Is that why?" He asked after a moment, swallowing the blood in his mouth from his lip. "Is that why you attacked us at Jupiter?" There was a pause. "Do you really hate me so much?" Karst stiffened.

"I didn't have a choice." She sobbed quietly. "I wanted to yell at you, maybe slap you, but not fight you, not like that." She shook her head violently from side to side. "Isaac killed my sister, Felix; he killed the last person who I could run to. And I hated him. I still hate him damn it. Even now I can't take the sight of him here in the village." She kept her back to him as her voice hitched.

"I wanted revenge, Menardi and Saturos didn't do anything wrong!" Now she faced him, her voice pleading, and tears soaking her face. "They didn't do anything wrong and Isaac came along and killed them! How could I not want retribution!?" She screamed, and Felix lifted his hands slightly, though not sure what the gesture meant. Karst looked off to the side slightly, sobs still racking her as she stood there. She lifted one hand and let it fall lifelessly before looking back at him.

"And then out of nowhere there you were, Felix." She said. "Stronger, confident, in control, damn it, Felix I trusted you, I still do!" Those words stung for some reason, they cut deeply, and he finally understood why.

"I stopped you from killing Isaac..." He muttered, and she nodded.

"I know it sounds so horrible; and so damn unfair for you and Isaac." She sobbed, "Him; doing what he thought was right, and having me come after him for it. And for you, doing what seemed like a good idea at the time, making a decision that in the end might have saved the world." She stopped again and covered her mouth with one hand, fighting back cries, Felix took a hesitant step forward, but she just retreated back again.

"But who is there to see it from my side?" She asked; her voice just above a whimper. "Felix, you've never had just one person in your life. Just one person to call family. Never. And you've never had to lose that." She closed her eyes and bent her head, her tears never slowing as they began to hit the floor. "I did... No one's ever coming back, ever. I had to be their when Marci found out her son was dead, you never had to deal with her, she was completely broken. The Elder had an attack of the heart and nearly died when he found out. Why did you think he has a cane now?" Felix felt something inside of him dying.

Never... He'd never thought of all these things... Marci, the Elder, the community as a whole... He'd only remembered Karst when he'd seen her those times in Madra and Champa. For the rest of it all, he'd been to damn busy with traveling.

To focused on having fun around the world...

Fun...

It seemed like such a shallow excuse.

He couldn't have felt pain because he was out having fun.

"Karst..." Felix looked back up at her. Karst was swaying from side to side, her arms wrapped around herself as she continued to sob. She was shaking uncontrollably.

He ducked forward as her legs finally seemed to give out, and she collapsed to the ground. Felix caught her before she could hurt herself, and ended up holding her on the floor. He wrapped his arms around her tightly as she continued to weep, Karst holding on to him tightly. He couldn't make out what she was saying, his own mind spinning.

'My fault, it's all my fault. I should I have tried, Karst, I should have. I'm sorry, why did everything have to turn out so badly? I'm sorry...'

"Why couldn't you have just said you hated me...?" He whispered; teeth clenched as his own eyes burned. Why had he been such a fool? Why had he chosen that time at Venus Lighthouse to defy them? Why had he chosen to watch from the side-lines when Isaac and Menardi fought? Why couldn't he have helped Karst when he'd met her again in Madra? Why was he always the reason she wept?

"I can't hate you, Felix..." Karst murmured, and Felix felt her arms move around him in an embrace. She was still crying, her face pressed against him, but his eyes widened as he heard her say; "I love you to much..."

Silence…

No... No he couldn't have heard that right...

"What?" Felix breathed, and he felt her arms tighten slightly around him.

'You can't say that. Not that. Please no...' He thought, 'Karst... after all of that you can't love me... you just can't...'

"Felix, I..."

'No...' It wasn't fair, he didn't know how or why, but it wasn't. She just couldn't feel that way about him after everything that had come to pass. No matter how badly he wanted it...

Felix just couldn't believe something like that.

He placed his hands on her shoulders, she couldn't feel that way; she just couldn't. It wasn't possible. He was the reason her sister was dead. He was the reason she could never have her revenge on Isaac. He was... he was...

He just wasn't...

So he pushed her away.

And he stood up.

"Felix..."

It couldn't be. She just couldn't, not after everything. She had to hate him. She had too. It wouldn't be right if she didn't. There was no fairness in the world if she could forgive him for all that.

"I'm sorry..." He breathed, stumbling backwards, looking down into her eyes.

Looking down into bleak, dead eyes; dry of tears, and empty of emotion.

"I'm sorry..." 'You can't love me. You can never forgive me.'

His hand was out behind him, and it ran up against the doorknob. Gloveless fingers closed around the chill bronze, and without a thought he spun and turned it, forcing the door open.

And vanished out into the storm.

'I'm sorry...'

She sat there. Just sat there. Watching the snow as it was hurled in through the open door, every ember and wick within the house snuffed out and stone cold. And something died. Something so fragile and precious, that she'd nurtured and kept safe through all else just died.

Her hope.

Her heart.