Disclaimer: Teen Titans and its characters, events, situations, and locales do not belong to me in any way, shape, or form. This is a work of fanfiction and was written for entertainment purposes only. No profits are made from the writing or reading of this story. Only original characters and/or situations are © copyrighted by me.

Something to Look Forward To
©2004 by Kei

She'd taken the safety courses, obtained her license, and bought the accursed thing for quite a pretty penny; now all she had to do was use it to achieve the quickest death possible. She hadn't subjected herself to the tedious process only to turn chickenshit now.

Come on, she urged herself, forcing her outstretched fingers to clasp the handle and lift the .32 revolver up. It's just "point and click," like the computer.

Yet her hand would not stop shaking as she brought the muzzle forward to press over her heart. Her grip was already sweaty. Before she could reach for the trigger, she dropped the gun onto the bed with a muttered oath.

Grimacing, Raven plopped down to the floor and held her pounding head in her clammy hands.

Why can't I do it? What am I so afraid of?

Even as she asked the question, she knew the answer: What comes after.

Were the Catholics right in the assertion that suicides go to purgatory? Or would this final sin be forgiven and her soul whisked away to paradise? Or maybe the ancient Greeks were correct and she would linger for eternity in Asphodel, a mindless shade. Or perhaps—and it was this prospect she most feared—there was nothing. Something inside her could not bear nothingness, utter blankness, Raven admitted to herself reluctantly. When she spoke those words in her mind, she realized that she no longer had the desire to travel this path. She unloaded the cylinder and stored the gun and bullets away, planning to return her purchases the next day.

As she moved to her locked door, Raven questioned her sanity. She had been so certain suicide was the answer to ending her perpetual anguish, but in a split-second her mind had changed and she had decided to cope ... somehow. She berated herself for being such a flake, even if she was the only one who would ever know of that grievous flaw.

In the end, Raven opted to keep the revolver and bullets—just in case.

"Um, Starfire?" Raven said hesitantly as she approached the mustard-devouring girl in the kitchen. "May I talk to you?"

"Of course, friend Raven!" Starfire exclaimed in her usual cheerful manner, setting down her big mixing bowl of mustard and turning her full attention to Raven. "Of what do you wish to speak?"

"I was just curious," the violet-eyed teenager began slowly, "what your philosophy is on life after death."

"Life after death?" Starfire echoed. "Well, on Tamaran, as children, we are taught to worship X'Hal, a powerful goddess of battle. When we die, our warrior spirits exit our bodies and X'Hal uplifts them into perfection."

"What about evil people?" Raven inquired.

"X'Hal does not distinguish between righteous and evil," Starfire clarified. "One need only believe in her and possess a warrior spirit, with which we are all born."

"So X'Hal uplifts everyone, even if nobody is actually a warrior?"

"I suppose so," Starfire said after a pause for contemplation. "It is not so much actual participation in battle, because there may be no wars in one's lifetime. The warrior spirit is the willingness to fight for something."

"I see," Raven replied with a nod. "Thanks, Starfire."

"I welcome you," the redhead responded with a wide, genial smile. Raven bid her farewell and headed down to the garage, where she was sure she would locate Cyborg.

As she predicted, Raven found her cybernetic friend on his back under the T-Car. He rolled out from beneath the vehicle at the soft sound of her footfalls.

"Hey, girlfriend," he greeted her with a grin. "What's new? You wanna go for a spin? My baby's just about ready to go."

Raven thought perhaps inside Cyborg's beloved car would be an ideal place to ask him her question. She nodded and settled down to meditate briefly while Cyborg put the finishing touches on his repair job.

In a few minutes the pair was on the road, cruising at 40 with the windows down.

"So what's on your mind, Raven?" Cyborg said after several minutes of driving in silence. "You just tell Uncle Cyborg all about it."

A ghost of a smile flitted across Raven's staid countenance. Pitching her voice slightly above the faint roar of wind through the car, she said, "Do you believe in a hereafter?"

"It's hard to say," he answered. "I was surrounded by science my whole life, and all the scientific explanations just about obliterated natural mystery and the idea of an entity behind the creation of the world. I mean, you've got the Big Bang, evolution, and all that kinda stuff to explain away various phenomena. But at the same time, I couldn't just chalk it all up to science. But conversely, I couldn't say it was all God, either. In the end, I guess I'm agnostic. I'm neither confirming nor denying the existence of a higher being."

Raven had been considering his response for a while when he spoke again.

"Why do you ask?"

The passenger shrugged. "I was just thinking about mortality today. Everybody dies, so where does everybody go? I don't want to believe that you just stop."

"It is a depressing thought," Cyborg agreed. "Don't dwell too much on it."

"I'm the Goth of the group; I'm supposed to be morbid and death-centric," Raven told him in a sardonic tone. He laughed and made a U-turn to head back to Titans Tower.

After their return, Cyborg went to fiddle with his computer upstairs while Raven searched out Robin in the weight room. She came upon him vigorously kick-boxing the punching bag. When he caught sight of his visitor, he stilled the swaying bag, wiped sweat from his brow, and said, "Hi, Raven. You come to train with me?"

"No, I came to ask a question," she said, inwardly smirking at his unwavering focus on staying fit to fight crime.

His face drooped in disappointment. "Can I answer and lift weights at the same time?"

"I'll spot you," she offered, following him to the bench-press. He situated himself and started off with twenty pounds on each end.

"So what's the question?"

"What do you believe about life after death?"

"Add thirty, would you?" he requested, settling the bar back in its rest while Raven raised the weights and slid them onto the pole. He resumed his lifting. After a couple of sets, he started speaking.

"I am an atheist," he declared to begin. "I don't think there is a higher being of any kind; I don't believe there is any life after death. Science explains how we're born, and it can explain how we die. Our bodies just stop, and that's the end."

Raven thought Robin's views quite appropriate for someone of such an analytical mind. She said, "Doesn't that scare you? That we 'just stop'? That there's nothing more after our hearts stop beating?"

"No. I'm not afraid of nothingness. I don't feel some reckless urge to just keep going and going like the Energizer Bunny. I can be content to simply cease after life is over," he stated. Raven grimaced, feeling juvenile for her own fear of "nothing more" when Robin wasn't afraid at all. She supposed that was why he was the leader.

"Thanks," she murmured before she turned to leave.

"Oh, hey, Raven," Robin called to her retreating back. "Could you add fifty for me?"

Rolling her eyes at Robin's relentlessness, Raven telekinetically added twenty-five pounds to each side of the bar in Robin's grip, and then she exited the gym.

Unsurprisingly, Beast Boy was in the lounge, totally intent on a video game. He had been trying unremittingly for the past couple of days to defeat Cyborg's high score on Super Grand Theft Street Fighting Pac-Man Brothers Monster Pong Tournament CCXVIII.

"Do you think you could pause that for a second?" Raven inquired in her usual monotone.

"What? Raven's actually initiating a conversation with moi?" Beast Boy shrieked in mock disbelief, slamming down on the button which activated the pause mode. Grinning crazily, he set down the controller and whirled around to face her. She settled on the big, curved sofa beside him.

"Do think there's life after death?" she asked softly.

"Do I think there's—do I think there's—," he sputtered. Raven couldn't be sure if she should attribute his sudden speech impediment to anxiety or idiocy.

After composing himself, Beast Boy smiled beatifically and said, "No, Raven, I don't think there's a life after death."

Satisfied she had his answer, Raven started to stand up. She stopped dead when she felt Beast Boy's hand gently touch her arm to stop her. She lowered herself to the cushion again, eyeing him in confusion.

"Raven, I know there is life after death," he told her seriously. "I believe wholeheartedly in One True God, Jesus Christ as Our Savior, and the Holy Spirit. I believe there is a Heaven—eternal communion with God, and Hell—eternal severance from God. Even if the soul does go to Hell, it may be redeemed and taken to Heaven," he said. "That's why I always try to do the best I can, and try to do what's right. When this life on Earth is over, eternal life with God awaits true believers."

Raven smiled very faintly. "I guess I wouldn't have pegged you as a Christian, for some reason."

"Raven, I have transformed into almost every animal imaginable. I really don't think evolution alone created all of these magnificent beings. And, I mean, I look at you, I look at our friends, and all the wonderful things about my life, and I know that God is real and that God is good. Friends are God's way of telling us He loves us," Beast Boy expounded.

"I think that more than answers my question," Raven said finally, putting her hand over the one Beast Boy hadn't removed from her arm after bidding her to sit down again. She squeezed his fingers affectionately, very briefly, thanked him, and went to her room to meditate.

I still don't know what I believe about life after death; there are a number of different possibilities to choose from. I really like the idea of a better place; I couldn't stand utter oblivion.

But even though I'm not sure what divine being(s) I worship, or what system of beliefs I subscribe to, one thing I am sure about is that I'm not ready to leave this life yet. I learned a lot about my friends during our conversations about the hereafter, and I want to go on learning about them and loving them more and more for sharing with me. Their continuing presence in my life makes me lean very strongly towards the existence of a higher being.

I'm glad I was too cowardly to take the final plunge. I've a whole life during which to figure out what I believe about things. I find now that I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow.

--finis--

Notes:
This is my first post to the "Teen Titans" category, though I've watched the show religiously since the series premiered on Cartoon Network and I have read the corresponding fanfiction for several months now.
I don't know what exactly inspired me to write this. Perhaps it was all the stories (and not all are bad, mind you; some are extremely well-written) in which Raven commits suicide and the other Titans have to cope. I decided to let the poor depressed thing live this time. I don't provide a reason for her suicide because that's not the main thrust of the story. She just doesn't want to live anymore; let's just leave it at that.
Thank you for reading. Please leave your comments in a review; it helps me improve as a writer.
Appreciatively,
Kei