I have followed Alan's advice and now lie in the large main area of the
satellite on my back, tucked under a pile of blankets I managed to scrounge
from around the station. I stare at the harsh metal ceiling of Thunderbird
Five, unable to sleep or even close my eyes. My guess is that it's about
four in the morning, though I don't feel like leaving the temperate
security of my little cot to go see.
I didn't expect Alan's reaction. I was waiting for him to get mad and yell at me, or to at least give me the cold shoulder. But he didn't. Instead he surprised me by speaking almost calmly and appearing defenseless and weak in the unsympathetic lighting of the craft. This is an Alan I have never laid eyes on before, and it scares me. He's withdrawn, something I have scarcely seen him as before.
Restless, I get up and swing my legs over the side of the cot. The tinny floor is bitter beneath my bare feet as I stand up and wrap one of the blankets around my shoulders for warmth. I don't know what I plan to do but know I can't stay in that bed for another minute. I have too much energy to sleep.
As I walk past Alan's room on my way to the kitchen, hoping for an early morning snack, I pause. The sight is so indignant and forlorn that I have no choice but to stop. Alan hasn't noticed me yet and I watch him silently, feeling tears form behind my tired eyes at the heartbreaking scene.
He has his back to me, wrinkled t-shirt hanging loosely off his frame as he sits on the far end of the bed. The window in front of him is bare, the curtains pushed back to one side, and starlight streams through it. The light is intense and hostile, throwing most of the room into dark shadow and bathing Alan in pale brilliance. The glow dances over him as they shine, illuminating his melancholy eyes and setting his hair alight.
He sits unmoving, as if frozen in a trance created by the stars. I too remain motionless, wondering if this picture I'm seeing is genuine or whether I'm dreaming. It's almost too perfect, too still, like an image off a post card or a painting Virgil has masterfully created. There's so much emotion locked between the walls of Thunderbird Five, especially in this single room. I'm besieged by the look of anguish on his sallow features.
I step into the room, hugging the blanket close around my shoulders. "Alan?" My whispered words are a shock to the muted air around us, and I feel as though I've shouted his name rather than barely breathing it.
He turns towards me, his muscles tensing visibly. "Why aren't you sleeping?"
"I could ask you the same question."
Alan scowls slightly and looks back out at the stars as if he were speaking to them and not me. "I haven't slept for three days, Tin-Tin. I don't think I'm about to start now."
That explains why he looks so tired. "Three days, Alan?" I repeat. "Is that possible?"
"Apparently," he replies sardonically, eyes trained on the stars outside the window.
I sit down on his bed beside him, unsolicited but unable to prevent myself from doing so. Subconsciously I wrap the blanket around my arms and watch it flow down to my legs as I move it to accommodate me. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Go back to Earth and leave me alone."
"I can't do that, Alan."
"Why the hell not?" His voice is sharp, but has a listless lining that I don't fail to hear.
"I can't just leave you here, in this state." I answer quietly. "What happened with Virgil was an accident, but it progressed beyond my control."
"Beyond your control?" Alan looks at me, his eyes dark and filled with quiet rage. "That's impossible, Tin-Tin."
"No, it's not. I've had feelings for Virgil for a long time now," I say honestly. I know it's not something Alan will want to hear, but I also know I have to come clean - to tell him only the truth. "I didn't plan for them to ever surface."
"So our entire relationship has been a scam. Is that what you're telling me?"
"No, Alan, that's not what I'm trying to say. I loved you every minute we were together. I still do."
"If you loved me so much, you would never have gone behind my back with my own brother." He runs a trembling hand through his hair, causing it to stick up arbitrarily. My fingers itch to settle the flaxen strands but I grasp the blanket and dig my nails into it, curbing the need.
I feel unwanted tears slide down my face but make no motion to wipe them away. I know what I've done is wrong, but having Alan so cold towards me is distressing. I pray I could turn back time and thwart everything that happened, but then banish the implausible thought. "I said I was sorry."
Alan turns to look at me, obviously sensing the thickness in my voice caused by trying to restrain my tears. "Don't cry, Tin-Tin," he whispers. He hates seeing people cry, even if they've hurt him like I have.
"I can't help it." I sniff slightly, wishing the tears would go away. They make me feel like even more of a pathetic idiot than I already do.
He timidly puts his arms around me, falling back into the routine we've followed for so many years. I've taken on more than I can handle, and the emotions are eating away at me. I'm afraid that one day, maybe soon, they'll consume every part of me, and I'll be no more than a vacillating mess of a person. I'm coming very close to that now. I rest in his embrace, feeling something wet dripping onto my shoulder as I try to stop the tears.
That's when I realize he's crying too. I hold him tighter, absently draping the blanket over him and no longer ashamed of my tears. Being in his arms is so natural to me; I almost forget why I'm weeping in the first place.
There, in the tiny bedroom of Thunderbird Five, we cry together. For our shattered relationship, our broken hearts, and the fact that nothing will ever be the same again.
++++++++
That was the hardest chapter I've written so far. Much thanks to my awesome friend, Mette, for her help and ideas throughout the chapter - even though she had no idea who Virgil, Alan or Tin-Tin were. :)
Angel
I didn't expect Alan's reaction. I was waiting for him to get mad and yell at me, or to at least give me the cold shoulder. But he didn't. Instead he surprised me by speaking almost calmly and appearing defenseless and weak in the unsympathetic lighting of the craft. This is an Alan I have never laid eyes on before, and it scares me. He's withdrawn, something I have scarcely seen him as before.
Restless, I get up and swing my legs over the side of the cot. The tinny floor is bitter beneath my bare feet as I stand up and wrap one of the blankets around my shoulders for warmth. I don't know what I plan to do but know I can't stay in that bed for another minute. I have too much energy to sleep.
As I walk past Alan's room on my way to the kitchen, hoping for an early morning snack, I pause. The sight is so indignant and forlorn that I have no choice but to stop. Alan hasn't noticed me yet and I watch him silently, feeling tears form behind my tired eyes at the heartbreaking scene.
He has his back to me, wrinkled t-shirt hanging loosely off his frame as he sits on the far end of the bed. The window in front of him is bare, the curtains pushed back to one side, and starlight streams through it. The light is intense and hostile, throwing most of the room into dark shadow and bathing Alan in pale brilliance. The glow dances over him as they shine, illuminating his melancholy eyes and setting his hair alight.
He sits unmoving, as if frozen in a trance created by the stars. I too remain motionless, wondering if this picture I'm seeing is genuine or whether I'm dreaming. It's almost too perfect, too still, like an image off a post card or a painting Virgil has masterfully created. There's so much emotion locked between the walls of Thunderbird Five, especially in this single room. I'm besieged by the look of anguish on his sallow features.
I step into the room, hugging the blanket close around my shoulders. "Alan?" My whispered words are a shock to the muted air around us, and I feel as though I've shouted his name rather than barely breathing it.
He turns towards me, his muscles tensing visibly. "Why aren't you sleeping?"
"I could ask you the same question."
Alan scowls slightly and looks back out at the stars as if he were speaking to them and not me. "I haven't slept for three days, Tin-Tin. I don't think I'm about to start now."
That explains why he looks so tired. "Three days, Alan?" I repeat. "Is that possible?"
"Apparently," he replies sardonically, eyes trained on the stars outside the window.
I sit down on his bed beside him, unsolicited but unable to prevent myself from doing so. Subconsciously I wrap the blanket around my arms and watch it flow down to my legs as I move it to accommodate me. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Go back to Earth and leave me alone."
"I can't do that, Alan."
"Why the hell not?" His voice is sharp, but has a listless lining that I don't fail to hear.
"I can't just leave you here, in this state." I answer quietly. "What happened with Virgil was an accident, but it progressed beyond my control."
"Beyond your control?" Alan looks at me, his eyes dark and filled with quiet rage. "That's impossible, Tin-Tin."
"No, it's not. I've had feelings for Virgil for a long time now," I say honestly. I know it's not something Alan will want to hear, but I also know I have to come clean - to tell him only the truth. "I didn't plan for them to ever surface."
"So our entire relationship has been a scam. Is that what you're telling me?"
"No, Alan, that's not what I'm trying to say. I loved you every minute we were together. I still do."
"If you loved me so much, you would never have gone behind my back with my own brother." He runs a trembling hand through his hair, causing it to stick up arbitrarily. My fingers itch to settle the flaxen strands but I grasp the blanket and dig my nails into it, curbing the need.
I feel unwanted tears slide down my face but make no motion to wipe them away. I know what I've done is wrong, but having Alan so cold towards me is distressing. I pray I could turn back time and thwart everything that happened, but then banish the implausible thought. "I said I was sorry."
Alan turns to look at me, obviously sensing the thickness in my voice caused by trying to restrain my tears. "Don't cry, Tin-Tin," he whispers. He hates seeing people cry, even if they've hurt him like I have.
"I can't help it." I sniff slightly, wishing the tears would go away. They make me feel like even more of a pathetic idiot than I already do.
He timidly puts his arms around me, falling back into the routine we've followed for so many years. I've taken on more than I can handle, and the emotions are eating away at me. I'm afraid that one day, maybe soon, they'll consume every part of me, and I'll be no more than a vacillating mess of a person. I'm coming very close to that now. I rest in his embrace, feeling something wet dripping onto my shoulder as I try to stop the tears.
That's when I realize he's crying too. I hold him tighter, absently draping the blanket over him and no longer ashamed of my tears. Being in his arms is so natural to me; I almost forget why I'm weeping in the first place.
There, in the tiny bedroom of Thunderbird Five, we cry together. For our shattered relationship, our broken hearts, and the fact that nothing will ever be the same again.
++++++++
That was the hardest chapter I've written so far. Much thanks to my awesome friend, Mette, for her help and ideas throughout the chapter - even though she had no idea who Virgil, Alan or Tin-Tin were. :)
Angel