Note: This is NOT a blooper fic. At least, not exclusively. It's just (in my opinion) things that might have happened if the series took itself just a little more seriously. Might be funny, might be sad, depends what they are. You've been forewarned.
Pretty standard form. (...) are thoughts, and /.../ are Yugi and Yami talking to each other. Only the parantheses are anything unusual.
Spoilers for various "Enter the Shadow Realm" eps; more details at the heading of specific viginettes. Rated PG unless otherwise noted.
1
Spoilers: Um, the one after the one where the blimp first gets hijacked.
Noah Kaiba had finished outlining his horrible plan and was now cackling evilly, causing his audience to huddle in fear. Or so he thought.
Yugi blinked. "So, basically, you want Kaiba's company, and in order to do that, you're going to send us all to a virtual world and make us play Duel Monsters?"
Noah smirked evilly. "Your brilliance astounds me."
Mokuba immediately burst into laughter. Joey stared at Noah for a moment, then joined Mokuba.
"What's so funny?!" Noah demanded.
"Yeah!" Téa and Tristan glared at them all.
"Think about it a sec," Yugi said, fighting giggles. "He's going to try to take over Kaiba's company... by dragging us and Kaiba to a virtual world... and making us play Duel Monsters."
"A modified version!" Noah snapped irrtably. Self-styled evil geniuses never like being laughed at.
Duke got the joke then, and Seto Kaiba couldn't restrain a smirk.
Yugi smiled patiently. "He's going to try to take over KaibaCorp... which does holograms and other virtual technology... by trying to defeat its owner... SETO KAIBA over here... who created a virtual video game the other day and has been beaten at Duel Monsters by about two whole people, one of whom, me, he plans to drag along with Kaiba... and he's going to try to defeat him by dragging him into a virtual world where he will challenge him to a game of Duel Monsters."
"A MODIFIED VERSION!" Noah yelled.
Téa and Tristan immediately got it. "Oh my god!" Téa gasped through her laughter. "That is so STUPID!"
"It's a MODIFIED VERSION, how many times do I have to tell you!!"
"Yugi here catches on to these things very quickly," Duke said, smirking. "Even really modified versions..."
"...Wha?"
Yami sighed to himself, knowing no one but Yugi could hear him. /Has the fool done no research at all?/
"Didn't you look into our histories at ALL?" Yugi asked.
"Of course I did!!!"
/Then why has he chosen the worst possible plan of action?/ Yami asked contemptuously.
"Then why are you doing something so stupid?" Yugi asked.
"This is NOT stupid!"
/It's the most extrordinairily stupid plan I've heard since I can remember!/
"Is so!" Yugi yelled.
/You really don't have to serve as my interpreter here.../
/They were all valid points and they needed to be said. Aloud./
/Whatever.../
"THAT'S IT! Prepare to see for yourselves what a wonderful plan this is!" Noah, extremely aggrieved, hit a button.
Yugi felt a little stupid for taunting him as they fell into Noah's world.
2
Spoilers: Same as above
Notes: Digimon 02 (the second season/main story arc) featured a guy who caled himself the Digimon Emperor, and had a throne room where he watched the other main characters on TV screens as they trapised around the world. You'll recall that Pegasus had a big golden chair and a screen that showed various views of his island.
I own neither Digimon, MST3K, nor the Fab 5.
Yami, having taken over for safety's sake two seconds after they started falling, rose with wary resignation.
"Oh look!" Joey said sarcastically. "A virtual world! I'm sooo scared! Never been in onea these things before!"
"Um... Not all of us have done this before, Joey..." Serenity said nervously.
"Oh yeah, sorry. You'll get used to it. It's like the real world, except weird junk happens and you can do the strangest things if y'think you can. Oh yeah, and the... what's the word..."
"Megalomaniac," Serenity supplied.
"Yeah, 'cept him."
"Oh, this world is not going to be that easy to adapt to!!"
Joey sighed. "Aw great, it's Cap'n Cliché again."
"MY PLAN IS NOT CLICHED!!!" Noah yelled.
"Yeah, go on telling yourself that, we don't mind," Téa said, waving him away.
"I mind," Tristan said.
"Me too," said Duke.
"Shut up! Anyway. You are in MY world now."
"Hmm," Yami said cooly. "I must say, it's kept up a lot nicer than a lot of the other worlds I've seen."
"Are you knocking my game?" Kaiba demanded.
"Actually, I was referring to the Shadow Realm, but your game was rather awful as well."
"The Shadow what?" aksed Noah.
Yami rolled his eyes. "Do you have even the slightest idea how bad your research team is?"
"Oh no, I know when I'm being tricked. 'Shadow Realm'... Nice try, but you're just pretending you've been more places than you have."
Yami rolled his eyes. "I am forced to give up when faced with your unwavering powers of perception," he said sarcastically.
"...Right. Good."
Kaiba snorted and muttered a name under his breath; nobody was quite sure what he said, but since Mokuba smacked his arm, they correctly assumed that it was denigrating and rude.
"You are about to face the most difficult challenges of your pathetic little lives!!" Noah cried evilly, back into his stride.
"Somehow I doubt it," Tristan said drily.
"Yeah, even if it's actually really hard for us, it oughta be a walk in the park for Yugi." Joey rolled his eyes. "Moron."
"STOP INTERUPPTING!!"
"Sorry, we've been watching too much MST3K," Serenity said quickly.
"...What?"
She grinned. "Yay! One point for me!"
"Um, S'renity, we don't know what you're talking about either."
She blinked. "It's this show where this guy and two robots are forced to watch really bad movies, and they mock them."
"...Oh," Joey said, and still didn't get it.
Serenity sighed.
"The only thing you will be forced to watch today is your defeat!!"
"And how, pray tell, do you intend to defeat us?" Yami asked, sounding tired. "A tournament?"
"Gotta be that, or he's got some people he hired to try and beat us for him," Mokuba said.
"... You will be fighting the Fab 5!" Noah yelled.
"I thought we were the Big 5!" a voice cried.
"I thought we were the Top 5!" someone else said, sounding confused.
"I know it wasn't the Fab five..." another voice said.
"We're fighting those fashion guys from that TV show?" Serenity asked blankly.
"The Big Five!" Noah corrected himself quickly.
"Hmm," Yami said, sounding impressed.
"Yes, my plan IS astoundingly good," Noah said proudly.
"That was very good, Mokuba," Yami continued. "He DID hire people. You're getting good at this."
"Yeah, well, getting good at this sucks." Mokuba pouted.
"I'm very aware of that, trust me."
"Don't you even want to know who the Big Five are?!"
"No, not really," Kaiba said.
"They're the people who tried to take over the company!!"
Mokuba snorted. "Oh yeah, like THAT narrows it down."
"We get two hostile takeovers a week," Kaiba clarified testily. "You'll have to be a bit more specific than that."
Noah paused, obviously a bit daunted. "I think they worked with a guy named Pegasus, but I'm not quite sure..."
"Don't bother. I don't care. Let's just get on with this stupid plan of yours so I can get back to--"
"Your own stupid plan," Yami finished.
"Yeah, well--" Kaiba said, flustered. "At least I stand a chance of beating you!"
"Only in your dreams, or on top of another tall building," Yami retorted.
Mokuba blinked. "What was the tall building crack about?"
"Nothing, nothing," Kaiba said quickly. "And I'll get YOU later," he hissed at Yami.
"Of course..." Yami rolled his eyes.
"The Big Five have something very special in store for you!"
"Cake?" Tristan asked hopefully.
"NO! They're going to steal your bodies so they can return to the real world!!" Noah yelled.
"...Oh," said Kaiba.
"Well. That sucks," Mokuba commented lightly.
/Oh for God's sakes, it's crowded enough in here as it is.../
/I think they intend to make us leave, Yugi./
/...Oh./
"Oh no they aren't!!" Téa said angrily.
Joey thought for a second. "Yeah, like that ain't even a little clichéd..."
"It isn't clichéd at all!!"
Joey snorted. "Yeah, as if! Y'know, I bet you're sittin' on some stupid throne-lookin' chair right now, with a kajillion different television screens watchin' all these different places in this stupid worlda yours, aren't ya?"
There was a very flustered silence.
"Oh my god, you ARE sittin' in some stupid throne-lookin' chair with a truckload of television screens!!" Joey cried.
"Dude! Now he's stealing from Digimon!" Tristan cried.
"And Pegasus!" Tèa cried.
"And like every animé on the planet!" Serenity finished.
"But Digimon!" Tristan cried. "I mean, of all the things to get clichés from--"
"ENOUGH!!" Noah roared, and in an instant they were spead across the lands.
/Okay,/ Yugi said, /at least now we know what his buttons are, even if we ARE all seperated and everybody could get killed without us and get their bodies stolen and--/
/Yugi! Stop. They'll be fine. And I think, more accurately, we just gave him a new button./
/How do you know they'll be fine?!/
/Because... first off, we're all lunatics, and that will work in our favor; also, we're all determined and vaguely psychic lunatics, which will work in our favor as well; and lastly, should one of this Noah's idiots actually defeat one of our friends, both Noah and the idiots will live to regret it. I have a talent for soul-shuffling, in case you haven't noticed.../
/Um... okay, then... Wait. What did you mean about the vaguely psychic part?/
/Well, of course I didn't mean you, you're quite a lot more than 'vaguely' psychic--/ Yami said, misunderstanding.
/WHAT?!?!/
/This SURPRISES you??/
/Well YES!/
Someone coughed behind them, and Yami spun around.
"If you could possibly find your way out of the thoughts you're lost in...though I don't know how they could possibly not be crushed by that load of hair..." a voice said from a pond.
/Sorry, there's a "Big Five" member over there, we'll have to finish this later./
/Just make sure there is a "later", 'kay?/
/Don't I always?/
Yugi smiled.
3
Spoilers: After Yami finishes his duel in the virtual world
Notes: Don't worry, you haven't missed anything. The "posse" is a pet idea of mine, which started when I read a "Dilbert" strip. I stuck them briefly into another fic of mine once, called "A Little Italian Restaraunt"-- but I shouldn't go on too long about it. Don't worry, they won't show up here.
"Never speak of this to anyone, ever," Yami said quietly.
Yugi stopped running down the strange tunnel for a moment. "What? Why? You beat him..."
"By an embarassingly slim margin."
"You still beat him!"
"He was calling his monsters 'employees' and rambling on about lemonade stands! It wasn't exactly my proudest victory!"
"Still, he was pretty good at the beginning there."
"It was still embarassing."
Yugi sighed. "All right, all right." He paused. "But while we're on the subject, exactly why did we choose Kuriboh as our deck-master thingy?"
Yami shrugged. "The hell of it."
"Yes, but why?"
"Mmm... How about I tell you that it was as a protest against being forced to battle psycho egomaniac world-domination junkies twice a week?"
"... 'World-domination junkies'?!"
"Don't look at me, I didn't coin it. It just seems to have caught on. It's a good description, isn't it?"
"Well, I guess so... But it still sounds weird..."
"Which would be because strange people came up with it."
"Who would that be?"
"Mokuba's posse."
"Mokuba's WHAT?"
"Posse. Group of people who follow him around for no discernable reason."
"What, you mean paparazzi?"
"No, no, they're friends. But Captain Cliché is undoubtably listening in--or he will be."
"Yeah, sounds like something he'd do," Yugi sighed. "Any way these friends could help us?"
"Well, they'll know that we were diverted... And they have certain technical skills that could be very helpful... But Noah's insane plan is probably elaborate enough to keep them from doing much good."
"Are you saying that because it's true, or are you saying it because Captain Cliché might be listening?" Yugi asked warily.
"Mmmm... Both."
"Okay. We should probably get going, then."
"Why? This tunnel isn't going to lead anywhere he doesn't want to take us..."
"Yeah, well, maybe we can do something he doesn't expect when we get there."
"He has been consistently underestimating the hell out of us..." Yami said thoughtfully.
"And you know the trouble with foolproof plans..." Yugi grinned.
"Fools are so damned ingenius." Yami smiled faintly. "All right. Lead on."
4
Spoilers: The one after the one above. Or, the first Lunatic who Really Likes Penguins ep.
Notes: "Quod Erat Demonstrandum" is usually shortened to QED. The phrase is Latin for "what was to be proved", and is used at the end of logical arguments and mathematical proofs when you've proven what you set out to prove. How counterintuitive. There is your Practical Latin Lesson of the Day. Don't say this was a COMPLETE waste of time.
"DAMN it!!" Yugi cried, as they found themselves in the same room yet again.
"Does that mean we can stop trying to get somewhere now?" Yami asked.
Yugi glared at him, but dropped to the floor, and sat there with his head to the ground.
"First of all, that might not even be Téa. Second of all, even if it is, you can be sure that Captain Cliché is editing out all the parts where she yells defiance and makes very good moves. Third... Well, I'm not sure I should bring up the third."
Yugi looked up. "Why, what's the third?" he asked, suspiciously.
"The third has to do with that psychic thing you weren't too happy about."
"It's not that I wasn't happy about it, I was just shocked. NOW I'm not too happy about it."
"Ah. Sorry. Not that it makes much difference."
Yugi paused. "But what's my allegedly being psychic got to do with anything?"
"All right, first, let's get rid of that 'allegedly'. For heaven's sake, you're talking to me. You can see me right now. That takes psychic ability."
Yugi didn't look convinced.
"And..." Yami thought. "Remember that time when Téa was dueling Mai? Though you might not, you were quite preoccupied with berating me for being evil and and attempting to get us all killed by refusing to let me help you..."
Yugi glared at him.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I think I deserve to be a little angry at that..."
"I'm not so sure, but I don't think this is a good time to argue about it. Yes, I remember. What about it?"
"Harpie's Featherduster."
Yugi blinked. "What about it?"
Yami stared at him. "Think about it."
Yugi let out a breath, irritated. "Mai had it on the field, and she could have beaten Téa if she'd used it, but she didn't. What's the point?"
"And how, pray tell, did you know she had Harpie's Featherduster?" Yami said calmly.
Yugi blinked again. "...She said she did."
"And you heard her, from one of those ridiculously tall dueling towers?"
Yugi blinked rapidly. "It was pretty loud..."
"Then why didn't Téa or anyone else hear it?"
"Téa was too far away..."
"But nobody else heard it, did they? Joey, at least, would have known enough to remark upon it, even then..."
"......Oh my God..."
"The Soul Room things, you could blame me for," Yami said calmly. "That time when we weren't dueling Seto Kaiba... That you could blame me for. This, you can't. This... was entirely you."
Yami smiled and ruffled Yugi's hair. "You're psychic, kid. But don't worry, your friends will get over it. And some people would even call it cute."
"...You're scaring the hell out of me."
"Sorry." Yami stopped ruffling his hair, not wanting to admit that he was scaring himself a little bit as well.
"Then why the hell are you doing it?!"
Yami blinked, then smiled. "And it took you this long to figure it out, hmm?"
"...Oh. Dear." He coughed.
"Anyway, this leads to point number three. You gave Téa some very good advice before you regained consciousness."
"What?!"
"When we first got in here, you were stunned for a minute. You took the opportunity to visit Téa in her dreams and tell her she'd need the Dark Magician Girl card."
"...Oh. Good for me, then. Is the Dark Magician Girl reliable?"
"As the desert is wet," Yami replied easily.
"Oh, good, then--WHAT?!?!"
"But she's fairly responsible in serious situations! Also, I'm positive she's mellowed. A little."
Yugi was clearly not happy. "--Oh my God, Captain Cliché."
"He won't believe us because we know he's listening and are plainly trying to scare him."
"Oh, come on, could even he be that stupid?"
"We wouldn't tell him the truth... unless we knew he wouldn't believe it... And we wouldn't hint that we were telling the truth if we were... Unless we were just trying to play with his mind... and if we were trying to play with his mind, we wouldn't be telling the truth... This is the way that world-domination junkies think."
"You're right. He's trying to beat Seto Kaiba by pulling him into virtual reality and making him play Duel Monsters. Virtual reality is, according to Mokuba, the ONLY kind of reality that Kaiba can adaquately deal with. He's also dragged us along for the ride, when we have not only beaten Kaiba at Duel Monsters, but have also beaten the only other person who ever beat Kaiba at Duel Monsters. Quod erat demonstrandum..."
"He is that stupid."
Yugi nodded. "Okay. That's always good to know. Should we try to get out of here again?"
"I don't suppose it could do any harm..."
"Then let's." Yugi picked up his coin, stood, and resolutely threw it at a door.
5
Spoilers: ...The first Noah episode and the episode where Kaiba tests his "god card".
Notes:
An abstract is basically a summary.
This is based on my personal theory of Mokuba, which has been oddly vindicated in these new episodes. Huh.
"What the hell is your problem?!" Kaiba yelled, after a long silence.
"Oh, God, how much time do you have." Mokuba's voice was low and shaking with black humor. Seto had never heard it quite like that before.
"Well, we've got time, until that idiot figures out that making us stand around here isn't doing him any good. Why don't you give me an abstract."
Mokuba was silent for a moment. "You don't smile anymore."
"Oh, for God's sake, not that again!!" Seto turned around. "You don't smile anymore, you aren't giddily happy like when we were kids and didn't have companies to run..."
"You don't smile anymore," Mokuba said, gaining momentum, "and you don't care about me."
"I WHAT??" Seto gaped at him. "I don't care about you? Then what am I doing this for? Why am I--"
"Running a company day and night and not delegating nearly as many tasks as you could, sending engineers to learn about magic and research the Shadow Realm so you can beat Yugi, organizing these crazy damned tournaments so you can beat Yugi and get some stupid 'God Cards'--"
"This tournament isn't crazy--"
"Testing out these 'God cards' without the safeties on--!"
"I--didn't know you saw that."
"I was right there, TALKING to you!! What the hell are you, deaf?!"
"I--"
"And then what do you do! You fight a computer and give it your deck, set it on maximum difficulty and take off the safeties, practically try to get killed--"
"I wouldn't have gotten killed!" What the hell was wrong with Mokuba? Nothing had happened, nothing would have!
"Oh really?! Why the hell not?! 'Cause you're just that good, no one can beat you, except Yugi, and the first five times were just a fluke, you'll get him yet!! But why did you take off the stupid safeties?!?!"
"I--"
"Don't tell me it was to be 'realistic'. That's trash. You and I both know it. Do you even know why you tested it without the safeties?"
"I..." He swallowed. "I..."
"What, was it the adrenaline rush? Might have been. Might have been something else. Thing is, I don't think you even know."
"Of course I know!! I--"
"You don't even know anymore, but don't tell me--don't tell me--don't EVER tell me you were doing it for me!!"
Seto stood there for a minute, genuinely shocked--by Mokuba yelling--by what he had said--by the look on his face....
It was the virtual world; it wouldn't last. Just some psychosis induced by that idiot Noah. When he got to that fool...
"Come on," he said, and started off across the grasslands.
Mokuba blinked, shocked that Seto had written off the outburst he'd been holding for so long so quickly. What the hell was wrong with Seto?
"Are you coming?" Seto snapped, not stopping.
Mokuba looked after him a second longer... then ran to catch up, his mind and soul a mass of swirling shadows. Seto didn't love him anymore...
6
Spoilers: Um... If Tristan and Duke are trapped in a big brick room and are trying to get out, it's a tad early.
Notes:
In case you didn't know, "The West Wing" is real, and I don't own that either. Sadly. ;
I don't think Serenity is too out-of-character... ; Remember, she's been putting up with quite a while of this...
(Please, God,) Serenity prayed, (let something happen soon, let us find Joey, let us find anybody, let somebody attack us for all I care, but please!)
"Are you crazy?!"
"No I'm not! Come on, look, there's a path there and everything!"
"I don't want to go anywhere in this place that this Noah laid a path to."
"We can handle Noah! We can't handle that hike! Anyway, if he wants to do somethin' to us, we can't stop him just by going a different direction. I've been in one of these things before."
"So... Either of you guys ever watch 'The West Wing'?" Serenity tried weakly.
"So? It's just basic sense that--"
"Oh, like you have any basic sense," Tristan snapped.
"It's a really great show," Serenity continued, mainly to herself.
"Hey!"
"We got out of that prison thing, didn't we?"
"Yes! But you think this Noah guy is stupid?"
Tristan laughed shortly. "I've never met anyone who tried to duel Yugi who wasn't."
"And this 'Josh Lyman' character? He's really damn cute," Serenity said, more sure that they wouldn't hear.
"HEY!!!" Duke yelled.
"Oh, yeah, 'cept you, of course." Tristan waved his hand dismissively.
"Do you have any idea how that gesture made you look?"
Tristan narrowed his eyes. "Whaddaya mean?"
"They have some really, really great episodes."
"I'm stupid, and you're so smart; figure it out," Duke snapped.
"Like this one called "The Two Cathedrals"," Serenity said, getting more comfortable with talking to herself. "Really well-written."
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Tristan asked, voice gone low and dangerous.
"I don't know, but given how smart you are, I'm just not sure." Duke glared at him.
"I think the second cathedral is supposed to be that place at the end, but I'm not completely sure. Probably it makes more sense to Americans."
"You think I'm stupid, don't you."
"Well, you already said you think I am."
"Go on. Say it. You think I'm stupid."
"I think you're damn stupid," Duke snapped.
"That's it!"
"PEOPLE!!!" Serenity screamed. "FOR GOD'S SAKE!! SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAPS!!!"
Duke and Tristan stopped cold, fists still raised, in full battle stance.
"We're going THAT way," Serenity said, pointing a direction that neither Tristan nor Duke had argued for. "We're going that way, and you are shutting the hell up. Do you hear me?"
They gaped at her.
"DO YOU HEAR ME?!"
"Yes'm!" They said quickly.
"Good! Now let's go!!"
Serenity waited for the boys to lead the way and sighed. (I'll never understand those women who like admirers. I've only got two here; three or more would drive me completely insane...)
"You think we should look for food?" Tristan asked, after a few minutes.
"This isn't even real. Why would we want food that isn't real?"
"I don't think we're real either. Not here, at least."
"Yeah, but why would we get hungry?"
"'Cos I dunno about you, but it's been a while since I ate."
"So how would fake food help? Could we starve in this place?"
Tristan shrugged. "Hell if I know. I dunno if we're really here or what. I guess time still passes... This place is virtual, not magical or anything..."
"Yeah, I don't get the metaphysics of this place, either."
Serenity sighed to herself in relief. Thank God, they were getting along. And if they started fighting again... well. A three-hour lecture on the plot and characters of 'Sailor Moon' should teach them, and good...
7
Spoilers: The Lunatic who Really Likes Penguins episode. Again. They're still stuck there.
Notes:
When you get to the movie reviews thing, think "Minority Report".
Yami's got his math down. Surprisingly high-level math, too. Think of it as a Calculus preview.
"Yami?"
"Yes?"
"You think maybe if we started singing a--"
"No, Yugi."
"You don't even know what I was going to say!"
"Yes, actually, I do know what you were going to say."
"Oh really? What was it, then?"
"You were going to ask if I thought that singing 'One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall' might provoke Noah into letting us go somewhere that isn't here."
"..."
"Well?"
"No, you were wrong. I was going to suggest something else."
"Indeed."
"Yeah."
"What was it, then?"
"..."
"I couldn't hear you."
"...Tougrebotts."
"What?"
"'Ten Thousand Green Bottles", are you happy now?!"
"Oh, a different version of "Beer on the Wall"?"
"YES! Stop gloating!"
"I hadn't started yet."
"Well, you were going to!!"
"Indeed I was, but was it morally justified to stop me before I had a chance to actually do it?"
"...You were reading movie reviews again, weren't you."
"I feel I need to know something about the world I live in."
"And reading movie reviews helps how, exactly?"
"...Many experts say that these 'movies' are a reflection of society."
"Why couldn't you read the driver's manual or something? Then you could pass the test and drive us all around."
"HELL no!"
"Well, I see your point a little, I guess... How about high-school things, so you can take that test and get your diploma?"
"I do that in my spare time as well."
"Oh, really."
"Yes, really."
"When you obviously spend so much time with the movie reviews?"
"You doubt my word?"
"In this case, yes."
"Define the derivative of a function."
"..."
"See?"
"You're bluffing."
"How?"
"Either there's no such thing or you don't know it either."
"It's the rate of change of a function. Look it up."
"And what is a 'function', then?"
"It's... where you have a formula that you can plug numbers into and get a number in return, or something."
"... I might believe you... But I'm checking that out."
"You do that."
"...Hey, you never answered the question."
"What question?"
"If you thought that singing--"
"No."
"No?"
"It wouldn't help us in the least."
"... But we've got to do something!"
"Why don't you throw that coin at the doors again?"
"You're mocking my great strategy."
"No I'm not."
"You're mocking my strategy, Yami. I can tell when you're mocking my strategy."
"It hasn't gotten us anywhere, has it?"
"But it's still a good strategy!"
"If it hasn't worked after twenty attempts, then it really ceases to be a good strategy."
"...Shut up!"
"What, because I'm saying something you don't like? Are you against free speech, Yugi?"
"Okay, that's it! You're not allowed to use the Internet ever again!!"
"What?!"
"You were mocking my strategy!!"
"I was not!"
"You were so!"
"Arguing with each other over nothing isn't getting us anywhere either!"
"...Oh. We just...turned on each other a bit, didn't we?"
"No, we just argued briefly."
"That was his plan, wasn't it?"
"A try-to-rip-the-friends-apart thing? It's clichéd enough for him..."
"And we fell for it."
"We argued. Sweet sake, Yugi, it's not as if you tried to kill me, or as if we were arguing about anything serious..."
"..."
"You thought that was a serious argument?! You accused me of 'mocking your plan'!! That's not even an argument, that's -- playing with words! Lord!"
"Eh... Yeah, you've got a point there."
"If he wanted us to do something, he would be trying to get us so angry at each other that we couldn't ignore it long enough to play a duel. Just how easy do you think that is?"
"Not very, yeah..."
"I mean, if I put up with Téa..."
"Hey! Téa's fighting for her life out there!! Don't diss her!"
"Then you don't "diss" her by thinking that she can't win a match against an insane accountant penguin. You know she can handle that! Particularly with the Dark Magician Girl's advice! Stop worrying so much and trust in her dueling competence!"
"...Yeah, I guess you're right."
"It's a talent I have."
"Nhh... Heeey, how do you know what a penguin is?"
"... I don't."
"So why are you so sure that Téa can beat it?"
"...The word sounds funny."
"Yes, but for all you know, it could be a huge, saber-toothed dragon thing!"
"It's not."
"How do you know?"
"...Because you do."
"What?"
"You think the idea of her battling a giant penguin is ridiculous. So I know that it is, too."
"But how?"
"I don't know... some way. The same way that I'm not speaking in Egyptian. I know... what you know, I suppose."
"...Then why don't you know what a penguin is?"
"It isn't important?"
"We need help..."
"From whom?"
"...Yeah."
"Exactly."
"I'm going to go throw the coin at another door now."
"Go right ahead."
"So don't mock my strategy while my back is turned."
"I won't."
"Because if you do, I'll let the monster get you."
"Oh, a dragon with 300 life-points, I'll need a whole lot of luck to defeat that..."
"Sarcasm does not become you."
"Oh, I think it does."
"Whatever, Yami, whatever..."
()
Pretty standard form. (...) are thoughts, and /.../ are Yugi and Yami talking to each other. Only the parantheses are anything unusual.
Spoilers for various "Enter the Shadow Realm" eps; more details at the heading of specific viginettes. Rated PG unless otherwise noted.
1
Spoilers: Um, the one after the one where the blimp first gets hijacked.
Noah Kaiba had finished outlining his horrible plan and was now cackling evilly, causing his audience to huddle in fear. Or so he thought.
Yugi blinked. "So, basically, you want Kaiba's company, and in order to do that, you're going to send us all to a virtual world and make us play Duel Monsters?"
Noah smirked evilly. "Your brilliance astounds me."
Mokuba immediately burst into laughter. Joey stared at Noah for a moment, then joined Mokuba.
"What's so funny?!" Noah demanded.
"Yeah!" Téa and Tristan glared at them all.
"Think about it a sec," Yugi said, fighting giggles. "He's going to try to take over Kaiba's company... by dragging us and Kaiba to a virtual world... and making us play Duel Monsters."
"A modified version!" Noah snapped irrtably. Self-styled evil geniuses never like being laughed at.
Duke got the joke then, and Seto Kaiba couldn't restrain a smirk.
Yugi smiled patiently. "He's going to try to take over KaibaCorp... which does holograms and other virtual technology... by trying to defeat its owner... SETO KAIBA over here... who created a virtual video game the other day and has been beaten at Duel Monsters by about two whole people, one of whom, me, he plans to drag along with Kaiba... and he's going to try to defeat him by dragging him into a virtual world where he will challenge him to a game of Duel Monsters."
"A MODIFIED VERSION!" Noah yelled.
Téa and Tristan immediately got it. "Oh my god!" Téa gasped through her laughter. "That is so STUPID!"
"It's a MODIFIED VERSION, how many times do I have to tell you!!"
"Yugi here catches on to these things very quickly," Duke said, smirking. "Even really modified versions..."
"...Wha?"
Yami sighed to himself, knowing no one but Yugi could hear him. /Has the fool done no research at all?/
"Didn't you look into our histories at ALL?" Yugi asked.
"Of course I did!!!"
/Then why has he chosen the worst possible plan of action?/ Yami asked contemptuously.
"Then why are you doing something so stupid?" Yugi asked.
"This is NOT stupid!"
/It's the most extrordinairily stupid plan I've heard since I can remember!/
"Is so!" Yugi yelled.
/You really don't have to serve as my interpreter here.../
/They were all valid points and they needed to be said. Aloud./
/Whatever.../
"THAT'S IT! Prepare to see for yourselves what a wonderful plan this is!" Noah, extremely aggrieved, hit a button.
Yugi felt a little stupid for taunting him as they fell into Noah's world.
2
Spoilers: Same as above
Notes: Digimon 02 (the second season/main story arc) featured a guy who caled himself the Digimon Emperor, and had a throne room where he watched the other main characters on TV screens as they trapised around the world. You'll recall that Pegasus had a big golden chair and a screen that showed various views of his island.
I own neither Digimon, MST3K, nor the Fab 5.
Yami, having taken over for safety's sake two seconds after they started falling, rose with wary resignation.
"Oh look!" Joey said sarcastically. "A virtual world! I'm sooo scared! Never been in onea these things before!"
"Um... Not all of us have done this before, Joey..." Serenity said nervously.
"Oh yeah, sorry. You'll get used to it. It's like the real world, except weird junk happens and you can do the strangest things if y'think you can. Oh yeah, and the... what's the word..."
"Megalomaniac," Serenity supplied.
"Yeah, 'cept him."
"Oh, this world is not going to be that easy to adapt to!!"
Joey sighed. "Aw great, it's Cap'n Cliché again."
"MY PLAN IS NOT CLICHED!!!" Noah yelled.
"Yeah, go on telling yourself that, we don't mind," Téa said, waving him away.
"I mind," Tristan said.
"Me too," said Duke.
"Shut up! Anyway. You are in MY world now."
"Hmm," Yami said cooly. "I must say, it's kept up a lot nicer than a lot of the other worlds I've seen."
"Are you knocking my game?" Kaiba demanded.
"Actually, I was referring to the Shadow Realm, but your game was rather awful as well."
"The Shadow what?" aksed Noah.
Yami rolled his eyes. "Do you have even the slightest idea how bad your research team is?"
"Oh no, I know when I'm being tricked. 'Shadow Realm'... Nice try, but you're just pretending you've been more places than you have."
Yami rolled his eyes. "I am forced to give up when faced with your unwavering powers of perception," he said sarcastically.
"...Right. Good."
Kaiba snorted and muttered a name under his breath; nobody was quite sure what he said, but since Mokuba smacked his arm, they correctly assumed that it was denigrating and rude.
"You are about to face the most difficult challenges of your pathetic little lives!!" Noah cried evilly, back into his stride.
"Somehow I doubt it," Tristan said drily.
"Yeah, even if it's actually really hard for us, it oughta be a walk in the park for Yugi." Joey rolled his eyes. "Moron."
"STOP INTERUPPTING!!"
"Sorry, we've been watching too much MST3K," Serenity said quickly.
"...What?"
She grinned. "Yay! One point for me!"
"Um, S'renity, we don't know what you're talking about either."
She blinked. "It's this show where this guy and two robots are forced to watch really bad movies, and they mock them."
"...Oh," Joey said, and still didn't get it.
Serenity sighed.
"The only thing you will be forced to watch today is your defeat!!"
"And how, pray tell, do you intend to defeat us?" Yami asked, sounding tired. "A tournament?"
"Gotta be that, or he's got some people he hired to try and beat us for him," Mokuba said.
"... You will be fighting the Fab 5!" Noah yelled.
"I thought we were the Big 5!" a voice cried.
"I thought we were the Top 5!" someone else said, sounding confused.
"I know it wasn't the Fab five..." another voice said.
"We're fighting those fashion guys from that TV show?" Serenity asked blankly.
"The Big Five!" Noah corrected himself quickly.
"Hmm," Yami said, sounding impressed.
"Yes, my plan IS astoundingly good," Noah said proudly.
"That was very good, Mokuba," Yami continued. "He DID hire people. You're getting good at this."
"Yeah, well, getting good at this sucks." Mokuba pouted.
"I'm very aware of that, trust me."
"Don't you even want to know who the Big Five are?!"
"No, not really," Kaiba said.
"They're the people who tried to take over the company!!"
Mokuba snorted. "Oh yeah, like THAT narrows it down."
"We get two hostile takeovers a week," Kaiba clarified testily. "You'll have to be a bit more specific than that."
Noah paused, obviously a bit daunted. "I think they worked with a guy named Pegasus, but I'm not quite sure..."
"Don't bother. I don't care. Let's just get on with this stupid plan of yours so I can get back to--"
"Your own stupid plan," Yami finished.
"Yeah, well--" Kaiba said, flustered. "At least I stand a chance of beating you!"
"Only in your dreams, or on top of another tall building," Yami retorted.
Mokuba blinked. "What was the tall building crack about?"
"Nothing, nothing," Kaiba said quickly. "And I'll get YOU later," he hissed at Yami.
"Of course..." Yami rolled his eyes.
"The Big Five have something very special in store for you!"
"Cake?" Tristan asked hopefully.
"NO! They're going to steal your bodies so they can return to the real world!!" Noah yelled.
"...Oh," said Kaiba.
"Well. That sucks," Mokuba commented lightly.
/Oh for God's sakes, it's crowded enough in here as it is.../
/I think they intend to make us leave, Yugi./
/...Oh./
"Oh no they aren't!!" Téa said angrily.
Joey thought for a second. "Yeah, like that ain't even a little clichéd..."
"It isn't clichéd at all!!"
Joey snorted. "Yeah, as if! Y'know, I bet you're sittin' on some stupid throne-lookin' chair right now, with a kajillion different television screens watchin' all these different places in this stupid worlda yours, aren't ya?"
There was a very flustered silence.
"Oh my god, you ARE sittin' in some stupid throne-lookin' chair with a truckload of television screens!!" Joey cried.
"Dude! Now he's stealing from Digimon!" Tristan cried.
"And Pegasus!" Tèa cried.
"And like every animé on the planet!" Serenity finished.
"But Digimon!" Tristan cried. "I mean, of all the things to get clichés from--"
"ENOUGH!!" Noah roared, and in an instant they were spead across the lands.
/Okay,/ Yugi said, /at least now we know what his buttons are, even if we ARE all seperated and everybody could get killed without us and get their bodies stolen and--/
/Yugi! Stop. They'll be fine. And I think, more accurately, we just gave him a new button./
/How do you know they'll be fine?!/
/Because... first off, we're all lunatics, and that will work in our favor; also, we're all determined and vaguely psychic lunatics, which will work in our favor as well; and lastly, should one of this Noah's idiots actually defeat one of our friends, both Noah and the idiots will live to regret it. I have a talent for soul-shuffling, in case you haven't noticed.../
/Um... okay, then... Wait. What did you mean about the vaguely psychic part?/
/Well, of course I didn't mean you, you're quite a lot more than 'vaguely' psychic--/ Yami said, misunderstanding.
/WHAT?!?!/
/This SURPRISES you??/
/Well YES!/
Someone coughed behind them, and Yami spun around.
"If you could possibly find your way out of the thoughts you're lost in...though I don't know how they could possibly not be crushed by that load of hair..." a voice said from a pond.
/Sorry, there's a "Big Five" member over there, we'll have to finish this later./
/Just make sure there is a "later", 'kay?/
/Don't I always?/
Yugi smiled.
3
Spoilers: After Yami finishes his duel in the virtual world
Notes: Don't worry, you haven't missed anything. The "posse" is a pet idea of mine, which started when I read a "Dilbert" strip. I stuck them briefly into another fic of mine once, called "A Little Italian Restaraunt"-- but I shouldn't go on too long about it. Don't worry, they won't show up here.
"Never speak of this to anyone, ever," Yami said quietly.
Yugi stopped running down the strange tunnel for a moment. "What? Why? You beat him..."
"By an embarassingly slim margin."
"You still beat him!"
"He was calling his monsters 'employees' and rambling on about lemonade stands! It wasn't exactly my proudest victory!"
"Still, he was pretty good at the beginning there."
"It was still embarassing."
Yugi sighed. "All right, all right." He paused. "But while we're on the subject, exactly why did we choose Kuriboh as our deck-master thingy?"
Yami shrugged. "The hell of it."
"Yes, but why?"
"Mmm... How about I tell you that it was as a protest against being forced to battle psycho egomaniac world-domination junkies twice a week?"
"... 'World-domination junkies'?!"
"Don't look at me, I didn't coin it. It just seems to have caught on. It's a good description, isn't it?"
"Well, I guess so... But it still sounds weird..."
"Which would be because strange people came up with it."
"Who would that be?"
"Mokuba's posse."
"Mokuba's WHAT?"
"Posse. Group of people who follow him around for no discernable reason."
"What, you mean paparazzi?"
"No, no, they're friends. But Captain Cliché is undoubtably listening in--or he will be."
"Yeah, sounds like something he'd do," Yugi sighed. "Any way these friends could help us?"
"Well, they'll know that we were diverted... And they have certain technical skills that could be very helpful... But Noah's insane plan is probably elaborate enough to keep them from doing much good."
"Are you saying that because it's true, or are you saying it because Captain Cliché might be listening?" Yugi asked warily.
"Mmmm... Both."
"Okay. We should probably get going, then."
"Why? This tunnel isn't going to lead anywhere he doesn't want to take us..."
"Yeah, well, maybe we can do something he doesn't expect when we get there."
"He has been consistently underestimating the hell out of us..." Yami said thoughtfully.
"And you know the trouble with foolproof plans..." Yugi grinned.
"Fools are so damned ingenius." Yami smiled faintly. "All right. Lead on."
4
Spoilers: The one after the one above. Or, the first Lunatic who Really Likes Penguins ep.
Notes: "Quod Erat Demonstrandum" is usually shortened to QED. The phrase is Latin for "what was to be proved", and is used at the end of logical arguments and mathematical proofs when you've proven what you set out to prove. How counterintuitive. There is your Practical Latin Lesson of the Day. Don't say this was a COMPLETE waste of time.
"DAMN it!!" Yugi cried, as they found themselves in the same room yet again.
"Does that mean we can stop trying to get somewhere now?" Yami asked.
Yugi glared at him, but dropped to the floor, and sat there with his head to the ground.
"First of all, that might not even be Téa. Second of all, even if it is, you can be sure that Captain Cliché is editing out all the parts where she yells defiance and makes very good moves. Third... Well, I'm not sure I should bring up the third."
Yugi looked up. "Why, what's the third?" he asked, suspiciously.
"The third has to do with that psychic thing you weren't too happy about."
"It's not that I wasn't happy about it, I was just shocked. NOW I'm not too happy about it."
"Ah. Sorry. Not that it makes much difference."
Yugi paused. "But what's my allegedly being psychic got to do with anything?"
"All right, first, let's get rid of that 'allegedly'. For heaven's sake, you're talking to me. You can see me right now. That takes psychic ability."
Yugi didn't look convinced.
"And..." Yami thought. "Remember that time when Téa was dueling Mai? Though you might not, you were quite preoccupied with berating me for being evil and and attempting to get us all killed by refusing to let me help you..."
Yugi glared at him.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I think I deserve to be a little angry at that..."
"I'm not so sure, but I don't think this is a good time to argue about it. Yes, I remember. What about it?"
"Harpie's Featherduster."
Yugi blinked. "What about it?"
Yami stared at him. "Think about it."
Yugi let out a breath, irritated. "Mai had it on the field, and she could have beaten Téa if she'd used it, but she didn't. What's the point?"
"And how, pray tell, did you know she had Harpie's Featherduster?" Yami said calmly.
Yugi blinked again. "...She said she did."
"And you heard her, from one of those ridiculously tall dueling towers?"
Yugi blinked rapidly. "It was pretty loud..."
"Then why didn't Téa or anyone else hear it?"
"Téa was too far away..."
"But nobody else heard it, did they? Joey, at least, would have known enough to remark upon it, even then..."
"......Oh my God..."
"The Soul Room things, you could blame me for," Yami said calmly. "That time when we weren't dueling Seto Kaiba... That you could blame me for. This, you can't. This... was entirely you."
Yami smiled and ruffled Yugi's hair. "You're psychic, kid. But don't worry, your friends will get over it. And some people would even call it cute."
"...You're scaring the hell out of me."
"Sorry." Yami stopped ruffling his hair, not wanting to admit that he was scaring himself a little bit as well.
"Then why the hell are you doing it?!"
Yami blinked, then smiled. "And it took you this long to figure it out, hmm?"
"...Oh. Dear." He coughed.
"Anyway, this leads to point number three. You gave Téa some very good advice before you regained consciousness."
"What?!"
"When we first got in here, you were stunned for a minute. You took the opportunity to visit Téa in her dreams and tell her she'd need the Dark Magician Girl card."
"...Oh. Good for me, then. Is the Dark Magician Girl reliable?"
"As the desert is wet," Yami replied easily.
"Oh, good, then--WHAT?!?!"
"But she's fairly responsible in serious situations! Also, I'm positive she's mellowed. A little."
Yugi was clearly not happy. "--Oh my God, Captain Cliché."
"He won't believe us because we know he's listening and are plainly trying to scare him."
"Oh, come on, could even he be that stupid?"
"We wouldn't tell him the truth... unless we knew he wouldn't believe it... And we wouldn't hint that we were telling the truth if we were... Unless we were just trying to play with his mind... and if we were trying to play with his mind, we wouldn't be telling the truth... This is the way that world-domination junkies think."
"You're right. He's trying to beat Seto Kaiba by pulling him into virtual reality and making him play Duel Monsters. Virtual reality is, according to Mokuba, the ONLY kind of reality that Kaiba can adaquately deal with. He's also dragged us along for the ride, when we have not only beaten Kaiba at Duel Monsters, but have also beaten the only other person who ever beat Kaiba at Duel Monsters. Quod erat demonstrandum..."
"He is that stupid."
Yugi nodded. "Okay. That's always good to know. Should we try to get out of here again?"
"I don't suppose it could do any harm..."
"Then let's." Yugi picked up his coin, stood, and resolutely threw it at a door.
5
Spoilers: ...The first Noah episode and the episode where Kaiba tests his "god card".
Notes:
An abstract is basically a summary.
This is based on my personal theory of Mokuba, which has been oddly vindicated in these new episodes. Huh.
"What the hell is your problem?!" Kaiba yelled, after a long silence.
"Oh, God, how much time do you have." Mokuba's voice was low and shaking with black humor. Seto had never heard it quite like that before.
"Well, we've got time, until that idiot figures out that making us stand around here isn't doing him any good. Why don't you give me an abstract."
Mokuba was silent for a moment. "You don't smile anymore."
"Oh, for God's sake, not that again!!" Seto turned around. "You don't smile anymore, you aren't giddily happy like when we were kids and didn't have companies to run..."
"You don't smile anymore," Mokuba said, gaining momentum, "and you don't care about me."
"I WHAT??" Seto gaped at him. "I don't care about you? Then what am I doing this for? Why am I--"
"Running a company day and night and not delegating nearly as many tasks as you could, sending engineers to learn about magic and research the Shadow Realm so you can beat Yugi, organizing these crazy damned tournaments so you can beat Yugi and get some stupid 'God Cards'--"
"This tournament isn't crazy--"
"Testing out these 'God cards' without the safeties on--!"
"I--didn't know you saw that."
"I was right there, TALKING to you!! What the hell are you, deaf?!"
"I--"
"And then what do you do! You fight a computer and give it your deck, set it on maximum difficulty and take off the safeties, practically try to get killed--"
"I wouldn't have gotten killed!" What the hell was wrong with Mokuba? Nothing had happened, nothing would have!
"Oh really?! Why the hell not?! 'Cause you're just that good, no one can beat you, except Yugi, and the first five times were just a fluke, you'll get him yet!! But why did you take off the stupid safeties?!?!"
"I--"
"Don't tell me it was to be 'realistic'. That's trash. You and I both know it. Do you even know why you tested it without the safeties?"
"I..." He swallowed. "I..."
"What, was it the adrenaline rush? Might have been. Might have been something else. Thing is, I don't think you even know."
"Of course I know!! I--"
"You don't even know anymore, but don't tell me--don't tell me--don't EVER tell me you were doing it for me!!"
Seto stood there for a minute, genuinely shocked--by Mokuba yelling--by what he had said--by the look on his face....
It was the virtual world; it wouldn't last. Just some psychosis induced by that idiot Noah. When he got to that fool...
"Come on," he said, and started off across the grasslands.
Mokuba blinked, shocked that Seto had written off the outburst he'd been holding for so long so quickly. What the hell was wrong with Seto?
"Are you coming?" Seto snapped, not stopping.
Mokuba looked after him a second longer... then ran to catch up, his mind and soul a mass of swirling shadows. Seto didn't love him anymore...
6
Spoilers: Um... If Tristan and Duke are trapped in a big brick room and are trying to get out, it's a tad early.
Notes:
In case you didn't know, "The West Wing" is real, and I don't own that either. Sadly. ;
I don't think Serenity is too out-of-character... ; Remember, she's been putting up with quite a while of this...
(Please, God,) Serenity prayed, (let something happen soon, let us find Joey, let us find anybody, let somebody attack us for all I care, but please!)
"Are you crazy?!"
"No I'm not! Come on, look, there's a path there and everything!"
"I don't want to go anywhere in this place that this Noah laid a path to."
"We can handle Noah! We can't handle that hike! Anyway, if he wants to do somethin' to us, we can't stop him just by going a different direction. I've been in one of these things before."
"So... Either of you guys ever watch 'The West Wing'?" Serenity tried weakly.
"So? It's just basic sense that--"
"Oh, like you have any basic sense," Tristan snapped.
"It's a really great show," Serenity continued, mainly to herself.
"Hey!"
"We got out of that prison thing, didn't we?"
"Yes! But you think this Noah guy is stupid?"
Tristan laughed shortly. "I've never met anyone who tried to duel Yugi who wasn't."
"And this 'Josh Lyman' character? He's really damn cute," Serenity said, more sure that they wouldn't hear.
"HEY!!!" Duke yelled.
"Oh, yeah, 'cept you, of course." Tristan waved his hand dismissively.
"Do you have any idea how that gesture made you look?"
Tristan narrowed his eyes. "Whaddaya mean?"
"They have some really, really great episodes."
"I'm stupid, and you're so smart; figure it out," Duke snapped.
"Like this one called "The Two Cathedrals"," Serenity said, getting more comfortable with talking to herself. "Really well-written."
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Tristan asked, voice gone low and dangerous.
"I don't know, but given how smart you are, I'm just not sure." Duke glared at him.
"I think the second cathedral is supposed to be that place at the end, but I'm not completely sure. Probably it makes more sense to Americans."
"You think I'm stupid, don't you."
"Well, you already said you think I am."
"Go on. Say it. You think I'm stupid."
"I think you're damn stupid," Duke snapped.
"That's it!"
"PEOPLE!!!" Serenity screamed. "FOR GOD'S SAKE!! SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAPS!!!"
Duke and Tristan stopped cold, fists still raised, in full battle stance.
"We're going THAT way," Serenity said, pointing a direction that neither Tristan nor Duke had argued for. "We're going that way, and you are shutting the hell up. Do you hear me?"
They gaped at her.
"DO YOU HEAR ME?!"
"Yes'm!" They said quickly.
"Good! Now let's go!!"
Serenity waited for the boys to lead the way and sighed. (I'll never understand those women who like admirers. I've only got two here; three or more would drive me completely insane...)
"You think we should look for food?" Tristan asked, after a few minutes.
"This isn't even real. Why would we want food that isn't real?"
"I don't think we're real either. Not here, at least."
"Yeah, but why would we get hungry?"
"'Cos I dunno about you, but it's been a while since I ate."
"So how would fake food help? Could we starve in this place?"
Tristan shrugged. "Hell if I know. I dunno if we're really here or what. I guess time still passes... This place is virtual, not magical or anything..."
"Yeah, I don't get the metaphysics of this place, either."
Serenity sighed to herself in relief. Thank God, they were getting along. And if they started fighting again... well. A three-hour lecture on the plot and characters of 'Sailor Moon' should teach them, and good...
7
Spoilers: The Lunatic who Really Likes Penguins episode. Again. They're still stuck there.
Notes:
When you get to the movie reviews thing, think "Minority Report".
Yami's got his math down. Surprisingly high-level math, too. Think of it as a Calculus preview.
"Yami?"
"Yes?"
"You think maybe if we started singing a--"
"No, Yugi."
"You don't even know what I was going to say!"
"Yes, actually, I do know what you were going to say."
"Oh really? What was it, then?"
"You were going to ask if I thought that singing 'One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall' might provoke Noah into letting us go somewhere that isn't here."
"..."
"Well?"
"No, you were wrong. I was going to suggest something else."
"Indeed."
"Yeah."
"What was it, then?"
"..."
"I couldn't hear you."
"...Tougrebotts."
"What?"
"'Ten Thousand Green Bottles", are you happy now?!"
"Oh, a different version of "Beer on the Wall"?"
"YES! Stop gloating!"
"I hadn't started yet."
"Well, you were going to!!"
"Indeed I was, but was it morally justified to stop me before I had a chance to actually do it?"
"...You were reading movie reviews again, weren't you."
"I feel I need to know something about the world I live in."
"And reading movie reviews helps how, exactly?"
"...Many experts say that these 'movies' are a reflection of society."
"Why couldn't you read the driver's manual or something? Then you could pass the test and drive us all around."
"HELL no!"
"Well, I see your point a little, I guess... How about high-school things, so you can take that test and get your diploma?"
"I do that in my spare time as well."
"Oh, really."
"Yes, really."
"When you obviously spend so much time with the movie reviews?"
"You doubt my word?"
"In this case, yes."
"Define the derivative of a function."
"..."
"See?"
"You're bluffing."
"How?"
"Either there's no such thing or you don't know it either."
"It's the rate of change of a function. Look it up."
"And what is a 'function', then?"
"It's... where you have a formula that you can plug numbers into and get a number in return, or something."
"... I might believe you... But I'm checking that out."
"You do that."
"...Hey, you never answered the question."
"What question?"
"If you thought that singing--"
"No."
"No?"
"It wouldn't help us in the least."
"... But we've got to do something!"
"Why don't you throw that coin at the doors again?"
"You're mocking my great strategy."
"No I'm not."
"You're mocking my strategy, Yami. I can tell when you're mocking my strategy."
"It hasn't gotten us anywhere, has it?"
"But it's still a good strategy!"
"If it hasn't worked after twenty attempts, then it really ceases to be a good strategy."
"...Shut up!"
"What, because I'm saying something you don't like? Are you against free speech, Yugi?"
"Okay, that's it! You're not allowed to use the Internet ever again!!"
"What?!"
"You were mocking my strategy!!"
"I was not!"
"You were so!"
"Arguing with each other over nothing isn't getting us anywhere either!"
"...Oh. We just...turned on each other a bit, didn't we?"
"No, we just argued briefly."
"That was his plan, wasn't it?"
"A try-to-rip-the-friends-apart thing? It's clichéd enough for him..."
"And we fell for it."
"We argued. Sweet sake, Yugi, it's not as if you tried to kill me, or as if we were arguing about anything serious..."
"..."
"You thought that was a serious argument?! You accused me of 'mocking your plan'!! That's not even an argument, that's -- playing with words! Lord!"
"Eh... Yeah, you've got a point there."
"If he wanted us to do something, he would be trying to get us so angry at each other that we couldn't ignore it long enough to play a duel. Just how easy do you think that is?"
"Not very, yeah..."
"I mean, if I put up with Téa..."
"Hey! Téa's fighting for her life out there!! Don't diss her!"
"Then you don't "diss" her by thinking that she can't win a match against an insane accountant penguin. You know she can handle that! Particularly with the Dark Magician Girl's advice! Stop worrying so much and trust in her dueling competence!"
"...Yeah, I guess you're right."
"It's a talent I have."
"Nhh... Heeey, how do you know what a penguin is?"
"... I don't."
"So why are you so sure that Téa can beat it?"
"...The word sounds funny."
"Yes, but for all you know, it could be a huge, saber-toothed dragon thing!"
"It's not."
"How do you know?"
"...Because you do."
"What?"
"You think the idea of her battling a giant penguin is ridiculous. So I know that it is, too."
"But how?"
"I don't know... some way. The same way that I'm not speaking in Egyptian. I know... what you know, I suppose."
"...Then why don't you know what a penguin is?"
"It isn't important?"
"We need help..."
"From whom?"
"...Yeah."
"Exactly."
"I'm going to go throw the coin at another door now."
"Go right ahead."
"So don't mock my strategy while my back is turned."
"I won't."
"Because if you do, I'll let the monster get you."
"Oh, a dragon with 300 life-points, I'll need a whole lot of luck to defeat that..."
"Sarcasm does not become you."
"Oh, I think it does."
"Whatever, Yami, whatever..."
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