Hogwarts, A History (The Revised Edition)
By Gred and Forge
Prologue
Gred: We've decided to write another version of Hogwarts, A History
Forge: No no Gred, that's too sudden. You have to start with something professional sounding like "On April 1st 19..... Gred, when were we born again?
Gred: April 1st 1978.
Forge: Right. On April 1st 1978 to prodigious young men were born that would change the face of history. Their names were-
Gred: Isn't it prestigious?
Forge: No, it's Gred and Forge.
Gred: that's not what I meant! I meant you should say we're prestigious not prodigious.
Forge: No.... prodigious means famous.
Gred: No... I think that's prestigious.
Forge: I'll look it up. (sound of book opening) Prodigious and Prestigious both work.
Gred: Good... now let's start the book.
Forge: But we haven't done the prologue!
Gred: (sound of sighing in background) You do it.
Forge: Okay, anyway, when we were-
Gred: thirteen.
Forge: I thought I was supposed to be telling the story.
Gred: No, we both are.
Forge: That's not what you said!
Gred: Well, I've changed my mind.
Forge: Anyway, back to the book. So basically, the summer we were going into our third year we walked into a shop called-
Gred: Flourish and Blotts, I'm sure you've heard of it, haven't you?
Forge: (impatiently) Of course they have. C'mon man we don't have all day. The shop's supposed to open in ten minutes.
Gred: We own a joke shop. You see the year now is 1996. We compiled this book from 1991 'till 1996.
Forge: That was unneeded information.
Gred: Now you sound just like Percy!
Forge: (sarcastically) Thanks!
Gred: Let's continue explaining then.
Forge: Okay, so we walked into Flourish and Blotts and bought-
Gred: a book
Forge: Thank you Gred. So we bought a book, this book to be specific. You see it's a special book-
Gred: And we managed to buy it for 15 sickles!
Forge: Once again, unneeded information. Now let me continue and STOP INTERRUPTING!!
Gred: Okay, okay.. calm down.
Forge: This book records everything we speak. So we don't need to write anything down.
Gred: Which is definitely a plus because our handwriting STINKS.
Forge:Yeah, pretty much. So what's in this book right now is what we're saying.
Gred: Okay, now get to the explanation.
Forge: We realized we couldn't waste this precious book on something stupid so we decided to rewrite Hogwarts, A History. Actually, more specifically keep track of what's going on while we're there. This little beauty contains five sections to it. One, Interviews With Teachers and Students, two, The History of Gred and Forges Pranks, three, Frequently Asked Questions by our Fans (sound of coughing in background), four, Summaries of our Siblings Love Lives (we've decided to throw this in for added humor) and (of course!) the history of the great Harry Potter.
Gred: After all, we did buy this book in his first year.
Forge: Well that pretty much wraps the explanation all up.
Gred: Does that mean the prologues over?
Forge: Yeah, we can go open the shop.
Gred: (sigh of relief) Finally. (sound of footsteps leave the room)
Forge: (footsteps enter room) I forgot to tell you! The bold is our more recent comments. (footsteps leave room)
Interview One: Fred And George- er Gred and Forge interview the famous Auror (all right, well not quite) DADA teacher Professor Quirell.
Gred: Did you notice the "all right, well not quite" rhymes?
November 28th 1991
Gred: Hello Professor!
Quirell: (suspiciously) H-Hello, what are you doing here?
Forge: Just coming in to say hello!
Quirell: W-what's that in your hands?
Gred: Nothing.
Quirell: I w-want to kn-know. What is it?
Forge: All right professor, you've caught us. We want to interview you.
Quirell: W-why?
Forge: We feel that you have great potential and we've decided we want an interview so that when you're rich and famous we can publish this interview.
Quirell: (still suspicious) D-don't try any t-tricks boys.
Gred: Okay. (sound of chairs scraping the floor)
Forge: Professor, when exactly did you start teaching at Hogwarts?
Quirell: W-when I-I was a young m-man ab-b-bout two years a-ago.
Gred: You mean you aren't young any more?
Forge: Gred shut up!
Quirell: W-who's G-gred?
Forge: Oh, that's our nicknames for each other, Gred and Forge. See he's Gred and I'm Forge!
Gred: Quirell, are you married?
Quirell: I-I will not give a-away cl-classified information.
Forge: (whisper) Who would want to marry him? He smells like garlic!
(sound of snorting in background)
Quirell: W-what did y-you say?
Forge: I said Moo, should cows carry in smells like garlic.
Quirell: W-why'd you s-say th-that?
Forge: It's a muggle saying we learned in Muggle Studies.
Quirell: Wh-what does it m-mean?
Forge: Um... it means-
Gred: It means that you should never feed cows garlic because they'll stop mooing. In other words don't feed someone something they're not used to eating because they'll stop acting normally. You see, I've been having eggs and bacon for breakfast every morning and Forge says I've been acting weird.
Quirell: H-how s-so? I s-see no dif-difference.
Forge: (quickly) So many students are curious about your turban. How'd you get it?
Quirell: A-as a g-gift f-from the Emperor of P-persia.
Gred:There is no Emperor of Persia!
Quirell: Y-yes there is.
Gred: No!
Quirell: Y-yes!
Forge: Boys! Stop that! You're acting like children!
Gred: You sound like mum.
Forge: That's the point.
Quirell: I'm n-not a b-boy.
Gred: Then what are you?
(snickering in the background)
Quirell: A m-man.
Forge: Are you sure?
Quirell: I w-will n-not tolerate this b-business. Stop it at once!
Gred: Just one last question. When was the last time you had a bath?
Quirell: I repeat: I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS! LEAVE MY OFFICE AT ONCE!
Forge: Professor, you lost your stutter.
Quirell: W-what stutter?
Gred: Your stutter.. you know...
Quirell: I d-do n-not know. And f-for your insolence you will be s-serving d-detention with me all n-next w-week.
Both: Professor!
Quirell: No b-buts.
Gred: Well then where will we put them if we can't bring them to detention? They're kind of permanently attached.
Quirell: N-not funny!
Forge: Fine, Professor. We're leaving, but one last thing. Did you realize the initials of Defense Against The Dark Arts is DADA? I.E. the thing a baby calls it's dad? So therefore you are our DADA.
Quirell: GO!
(sound of footsteps leave room)
Gred: Geez. He didn't have to get so angry. All we did was make few comments.
Forge: You're right Gred, and I think we need to teach him a lesson!
Forge: We did indeed teach him a lesson. We magicked these snowballs to bounce of the back of his turban as he walked around. Too bad we had to serve detention AGAIN... He really is a mean guy.
Gred: I wasn't surprised when he turned into that maniac. He was acting incredibly-
Forge:PMSy?
Gred: Boys don't get PMS! Oh wait... right... he's not a boy. But no, I was going to say: weird.
Forge: Figures.