Lupin III and its characters do not belong to me. They belong to Monkey Punch, and the good people at TMS Entertainment, Ltd.
Illegal Alien
A Lupin III Fanfic
Chapter 1: The Boring Identity
An ordinary day in Atlanta, Georgia. There were crowded streets, congested traffic, and lots of normal everyday activity. In the midst of it all, a man, giggling like a deranged school girl and displaying fashion that went out of style sometime in the 1970's tore through the crowds and skipped in front of moving cars. People stared, pointed, laughed, and threatened death, but he couldn't help but enjoy all the attention. After all, Arsene Lupin III mused as the hotel he and his gang temporarily called home popped into view, wasn't that why he was the world's greatest thief in the first place?
He had just finished scoping out the museum that would serve as the backdrop for yet another of his masterful plots, and it looked like it would almost be too easy. Almost, being the key word, because Lupin knew as soon as he so much as put on foot in the museum after closing, the ever persistent Inspector Zenigata would be there to add some challenge to the job.
Not that his gang wasn't up to challenges. He had the best gunman and right hand man in the business. And a samurai bandit that lived up to the strict standards laid down by his ancestors. Between the three of them, they'd have no problems.
Lupin grinned as he pictured Jigen and Goemon in the hotel room. Jigen was probably watching the news, keeping abreast of any developments that might hinder the heist while making sure his Magnum was in top working order. Goemon was probably meditating, focusing his energies for tonight's raid. Yup, a crack team, Lupin thought proudly. Always ready for action.
Lupin crashed through the door to the hotel room. "Oh yeah!" he exclaimed. He struck a few manly poses, and then burst, "You guys ready to pull of the job of a lifetime?" he said with an enthusiasm that would cause most cheerleaders to hang their heads in shame.
And then he took a good look at his crack team. Goemon Ishikawa was stretched out on the couch, feet bare and staring absentmindedly at the TV. His faithful sword, Zantetsuken, lay carelessly against the end table nearby and he was nibbling on some pretzels. Daisuke Jigen was sitting on the floor, hat pulled down and slumped against the front of the couch. A half-empty bottle of scotch sat on the floor next to him, and his hand was curled around shot glass. He was snoring loud enough to drown out the volume on the TV.
Lupin's positive attitude melted away. "What...the...hell?" he said in disbelief. He looked over at the screen. Jigen and Goemon were watching Jerry Springer. Dear God, what was going on here?
Goemon had evidently had enough of Jigen's snoring, since he gave a half-hearted kick in the back of Jigen's head. Jigen jumped awake in surprise, splashing a few drops from the shot glass over himself and the floor. "What, what?" he said, turning to face the samurai with a hostile look on his face.
"You were snoring. Again," Goemon said pointedly.
"Oh," Jigen said, and resumed slumping against the couch.
"Guys!" Lupin whined. He stomped over and stood in front of the TV. "What on earth is wrong with you two?"
"Could you move?" Jigen sighed, pouring another shot.
"You make a better door than a window," Goemon added.
"We're supposed to be getting ready for tonight!" Lupin thundered. "Instead, I come back and you two are playing couch potato!"
"Calm down, man," Jigen muttered. He took his shot, and then added, "We're just bored."
"Bored?" Lupin's jaw opened in disbelief.
"Yeah, we're bored with this whole...thing," Jigen elaborated lamely, absentmindedly waving his hand in the air to emphasize his non-existent point. "We come into town, we steal stuff, we lose stuff, we get chased out of town by Zenigata. It's the same old same old."
"But what about the fabulous plans? The evading of alarms and traps? The creeping through lasers? The disguises? The betrayals? What about all that stuff?"
"Been there, done that," Jigen and Goemon chorused.
Lupin paused. "Well, what would you suggest?"
"I don't know. Just something different." Jigen sighed. "And now, would you please move? They're about to show us the trans-gendered lesbian whores who are cheating on their pimps with midgets."
Lupin reluctantly stepped aside. "What about you, Goemon?" he asked. "I thought you lived for this kind of thing?"
"Only so much repetition can improve one's skills. After that, only new skills can improve on those learned before."
"Huh?"
"I'm just plain bored," Goemon sighed, slumping back on the couch and nibbling on a snack.
"You must be bored," Lupin observed with mild alarm. "You're eating a Slim Jim."
Goemon promptly spit out the noxious meat stick. "Must...transcend... noxious...jerky snack," he gasped, groping for a glass of water on the end table.
Lupin sighed and sat down in a nearby easy chair. "Are you two really that desperate to do something different?"
"What do you think we've been saying all this time, Lupin?" Jigen growled. "We want to do something different. Something really dangerous and risky."
"I'm tired of cutting things in half," moaned Goemon. "I've gone from samurai to arc welder."
"Fine, fine!" Lupin exploded, finally tired of the whole thing. "No grand jewel theft tonight! I'll come up with something worthy," he shouted, placing great sarcastic emphasis on the last word, "for two masters such as yourselves." With that, Lupin stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him with such force that several pictures, an ashtray, and Zantetsuken slid to the ground.
"Whatever," Jigen said. "You get overexcited, Lupin."
"He's already left," Goemon reported, pulling himself into his usual cross-legged sitting position.
"Ah," Jigen said, pouring another drink. "Well, I'm sorry we're just tired of the same old hackneyed plots. How long have we been doing this? How many of these types of jobs have we pulled?"
"I lost count long ago," the samurai replied, reaching for a non-Slim Jim snack.
"We have made the unconventional conventional."
Jigen rose his now full shot glass. "Amen, buddy. Now, let's see those lesbians..." he added, turning up the volume on the TV.
Illegal Alien
A Lupin III Fanfic
Chapter 1: The Boring Identity
An ordinary day in Atlanta, Georgia. There were crowded streets, congested traffic, and lots of normal everyday activity. In the midst of it all, a man, giggling like a deranged school girl and displaying fashion that went out of style sometime in the 1970's tore through the crowds and skipped in front of moving cars. People stared, pointed, laughed, and threatened death, but he couldn't help but enjoy all the attention. After all, Arsene Lupin III mused as the hotel he and his gang temporarily called home popped into view, wasn't that why he was the world's greatest thief in the first place?
He had just finished scoping out the museum that would serve as the backdrop for yet another of his masterful plots, and it looked like it would almost be too easy. Almost, being the key word, because Lupin knew as soon as he so much as put on foot in the museum after closing, the ever persistent Inspector Zenigata would be there to add some challenge to the job.
Not that his gang wasn't up to challenges. He had the best gunman and right hand man in the business. And a samurai bandit that lived up to the strict standards laid down by his ancestors. Between the three of them, they'd have no problems.
Lupin grinned as he pictured Jigen and Goemon in the hotel room. Jigen was probably watching the news, keeping abreast of any developments that might hinder the heist while making sure his Magnum was in top working order. Goemon was probably meditating, focusing his energies for tonight's raid. Yup, a crack team, Lupin thought proudly. Always ready for action.
Lupin crashed through the door to the hotel room. "Oh yeah!" he exclaimed. He struck a few manly poses, and then burst, "You guys ready to pull of the job of a lifetime?" he said with an enthusiasm that would cause most cheerleaders to hang their heads in shame.
And then he took a good look at his crack team. Goemon Ishikawa was stretched out on the couch, feet bare and staring absentmindedly at the TV. His faithful sword, Zantetsuken, lay carelessly against the end table nearby and he was nibbling on some pretzels. Daisuke Jigen was sitting on the floor, hat pulled down and slumped against the front of the couch. A half-empty bottle of scotch sat on the floor next to him, and his hand was curled around shot glass. He was snoring loud enough to drown out the volume on the TV.
Lupin's positive attitude melted away. "What...the...hell?" he said in disbelief. He looked over at the screen. Jigen and Goemon were watching Jerry Springer. Dear God, what was going on here?
Goemon had evidently had enough of Jigen's snoring, since he gave a half-hearted kick in the back of Jigen's head. Jigen jumped awake in surprise, splashing a few drops from the shot glass over himself and the floor. "What, what?" he said, turning to face the samurai with a hostile look on his face.
"You were snoring. Again," Goemon said pointedly.
"Oh," Jigen said, and resumed slumping against the couch.
"Guys!" Lupin whined. He stomped over and stood in front of the TV. "What on earth is wrong with you two?"
"Could you move?" Jigen sighed, pouring another shot.
"You make a better door than a window," Goemon added.
"We're supposed to be getting ready for tonight!" Lupin thundered. "Instead, I come back and you two are playing couch potato!"
"Calm down, man," Jigen muttered. He took his shot, and then added, "We're just bored."
"Bored?" Lupin's jaw opened in disbelief.
"Yeah, we're bored with this whole...thing," Jigen elaborated lamely, absentmindedly waving his hand in the air to emphasize his non-existent point. "We come into town, we steal stuff, we lose stuff, we get chased out of town by Zenigata. It's the same old same old."
"But what about the fabulous plans? The evading of alarms and traps? The creeping through lasers? The disguises? The betrayals? What about all that stuff?"
"Been there, done that," Jigen and Goemon chorused.
Lupin paused. "Well, what would you suggest?"
"I don't know. Just something different." Jigen sighed. "And now, would you please move? They're about to show us the trans-gendered lesbian whores who are cheating on their pimps with midgets."
Lupin reluctantly stepped aside. "What about you, Goemon?" he asked. "I thought you lived for this kind of thing?"
"Only so much repetition can improve one's skills. After that, only new skills can improve on those learned before."
"Huh?"
"I'm just plain bored," Goemon sighed, slumping back on the couch and nibbling on a snack.
"You must be bored," Lupin observed with mild alarm. "You're eating a Slim Jim."
Goemon promptly spit out the noxious meat stick. "Must...transcend... noxious...jerky snack," he gasped, groping for a glass of water on the end table.
Lupin sighed and sat down in a nearby easy chair. "Are you two really that desperate to do something different?"
"What do you think we've been saying all this time, Lupin?" Jigen growled. "We want to do something different. Something really dangerous and risky."
"I'm tired of cutting things in half," moaned Goemon. "I've gone from samurai to arc welder."
"Fine, fine!" Lupin exploded, finally tired of the whole thing. "No grand jewel theft tonight! I'll come up with something worthy," he shouted, placing great sarcastic emphasis on the last word, "for two masters such as yourselves." With that, Lupin stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him with such force that several pictures, an ashtray, and Zantetsuken slid to the ground.
"Whatever," Jigen said. "You get overexcited, Lupin."
"He's already left," Goemon reported, pulling himself into his usual cross-legged sitting position.
"Ah," Jigen said, pouring another drink. "Well, I'm sorry we're just tired of the same old hackneyed plots. How long have we been doing this? How many of these types of jobs have we pulled?"
"I lost count long ago," the samurai replied, reaching for a non-Slim Jim snack.
"We have made the unconventional conventional."
Jigen rose his now full shot glass. "Amen, buddy. Now, let's see those lesbians..." he added, turning up the volume on the TV.