Lupin is not mine. Neither is the Eiffel Tower, the patient for the cotten gin, or that library book I can't find. Enjoy!
Chapter 7: Zenigata-Di-VidaZenigata sat in the small café, pondering his burger and coffee and wishing it were ramen and tea. On one hand, he was hungry, on another he was contemplating Lupin's next move, and on another he was mildly concerned for the thief.
Wait, he thought. Three hands. That makes no sense. He took a sip of his lukewarm coffee and looked up just in time to see some army guy, accompanied by two MPs, enter the shop. The gentleman stopped, turned, and looked around the shop. Spotting Zenigata, he made a beeline towards him.
"Are you Zenigata from Interpol?" the man said gruffly. From his mirrored sunglasses, crisp uniform, and large number of medals pinned to said uniform, Zenigata figured this guy to be the consummate military man. Which also probably made him the biggest asshole in this part of the country.
The inspector rose, pulling his ID badge from his trenchcoat. "I'm Inspector Zenigata. What can I help you with sir?"
"My name is General Gregory Waker, and I'm with the United States Army."
"Obviously," Zenigata sneered, his distaste already clear. He knew exactly what the general's next words would be.
"We're looking for Lupin III."
"Of course you are," Zenigata grumbled. Not only was Lupin a man with low morals and a dishonest nature, but he also made Zenigata's life a living hell in other ways. For example, the way everyone laughed at the Inspector's dedicated, yet so far futile pursuit of the master criminal, and then came crawling to him the second they had been screwed over by him and his gang, begging for that the help that came from experience. At first, Zenigata had enjoyed it, but now it just became annoying. No one had ever actually managed to help him catch Lupin, and as he had come to realize, no one ever would. In the end, it would just be him and the thief.
"Inspector?" General Waker's stern tone shook him out of his reverie. "Do you have any information on Lupin or his gang at this present time."
Zenigata slumped back into his booth. "He was supposed to rob the Atlanta Museum of Artifacts. Sent 'em a note and everything." He took a big bite of his burger, chewed, and continued, his mouth half full. "He never showed up, though."
"Do you think the note could have been a decoy?"
"That's what confuses me," Zenigata said, still chewing. He swallowed, cleared his throat, and added, "He never leaves notes as decoys. When he says he'll rob a place, he means it."
General Waker frowned, and then sat down across the table from the detective. "Two nights ago, sometime around midnight, a group of intruders broke into a top secret military installation. They got away with something very important."
"What?" Zenigata said, raising the burger to his mouth.
"A very powerful weapon?"
"What does that have to do with me?" Zenigata said before taking a bite.
Waker's eyes narrowed. He reached into his jacket, pulled out a set of photos, and threw them onto the table. They slid, right-side-up, and stopped at the edge of Zenigata's plate. Zenigata took one look and promptly spit out his burger.
"It's Lupin!" he sputtered, snatching up the photos. They were obviously taken from the base's security cameras. He looked closely at them. "Did he send you a note?"
"No," answered a flat voice.
"Then it can't be him! He just sticks to gold, jewels, and money. And would he do with a powerful weapon, anyway? He's never stolen anything like that before."
"We were hoping you could tell us."
"Well, I'm telling you, someone's done a very good job of impersonating him and his gang," Zenigata grumbled. "but it looks here like Lupin did a sloppy job of setting this operation up. And he never does a sloppy job," Zenigata said triumphantly. He looked up at the general and was chagrined to see the general covered in bits of chewed burger, cheese, mustard, and spit. "Uh, sorry, sir," Zenigata said, offering Waker his napkin. Waker snatched it away, cleaned off his face and uniform, and stood again. "Let's go, Inspector."
"Go?"
"Until otherwise, Interpol and the U.S. government has authorized me to take you into our custody, due to your experience with the suspects." The last word had the slightest of sarcastic tones to it.
"What? But I've got to stay here in Atlanta!" yelled Zenigata, attracting the attention of the MPs and several café patrons. "The real Lupin's gonna show up at any moment to hit the museum, and I've gotta be there when he does."
Waker smiled a very sinister, humorless smile. "I'm sorry, Inspector. Please come with us. I don't want to have to use force," he said, indicating the MPs, "but I will if I have to. Now, if you will..."
Zenigata could not have been more unhappy as he stood up, straightened his trenchcoat and hat, and strode out the door, followed by the general and his men. The general indicated a limo bearing American and Army flags nearby, and he, Zenigata, and the MPs climbed in.
"I may have to stay with you," Zenigata grumbled under his breath as the car set off, "but that doesn't mean I have to help you."
"Crap, this thing is small." Lupin shifted uncomfortably in his seat, trying to find a position that wouldn't leave his legs bent like pretzels.
"Fujiko said it was the only one available on such short notice," noted Goemon from the back seat. Even sitting in his usual position, Lupin could tell the samurai was just as uncomfortable.
"It makes your Fiat look like a damn Cadillac," Jigen said. "And even though it's so small, it manages to drive like one, too."
Lupin sighed. "No wonder Fujiko elected to keep her motorcycle." He peered out the windshield. They were both headed west along the highway, towards Lupin's contact. Fujiko was zooming along just ahead of them, looking much more comfortable and un-cramped. "Maybe she'll let us switch off later or something. Aw, my foot went to sleep again!" he moaned.
"Quit complaining and just stick your legs out the window or something," Jigen snapped. "Jeez, this is worse than having kids."
Lupin twisted around his seat in a futile effort to get comfortable. He spied Eshe, fast asleep against Goemon's shoulder. "Looks like she's taken to you."
"I don't she has been offered much in the way of friendship recently," Goemon dryly.
Lupin gave a mischievous grin. "Yeah, well don't let me catch you in the tabloids or anything with alien children, buddy."
Goemon's face turned slightly red. "I have no thoughts of the sort," he growled. If he had room to thwack Lupin on the head with his sheath, he would have in a heartbeat.
"Easy, easy," said Lupin, suddenly thankful for the lack of space. "I'm just kidding. I think it's great. Besides, your probably not 'compatible' anyway," he added with quote marks and an evil smile. Goemon turned several shades redder, and his knuckles tightened around his sword.
"So who is this contact of yours?" Jigen asked, ready to change the subject before Goemon could turn the car into a convertible.
Lupin faced front again and propped his feet on the dash as best he could. "A real interesting character," he said. "But no one anywhere knows more about these subjects than him."
"Subjects?"
"You know...aliens, government plots, spies, the fact that Elvis is alive and working at a gas station in Nebraska with Jimmy Hoffa. That sort of stuff."
"A conspiracy nut?" Jigen worried.
"A nut, but a very worthwhile one. Unlike most nuts, this nut happens to actually has good contacts and knows the truth behind most everything going on. He's a very valuable nut."
"A nut is a nut," Jigen grunted.
"Not if he's the top nut in what he does."
"Can we please stop saying nut?" Goemon asked.
Traffic had meanwhile slowed considerably. "Rush hour?" asked Lupin, noticing the possible delay.
"Can't be. It's too early," Jigen said, checking his watch.
As traffic came to a full stop, Fujiko slowed down until she was alongside the car.
"What's going on, Fuji-cakes?" Lupin asked as she pushed the visor on her helmet up.
"It's a road block," Fujiko said. "They're checking IDs and searching cars."
"I don't suppose they're looking for drugs," Lupin said hopefully.
"There's military officials up there." Fujiko paused. "And Zenigata."
"Pops?" Lupin paled. "Great. What a time for him to play catch-up."
Jigen looked at Eshe. "Normally we'd just blast through, but with Pops there, we'd be spotted in a second. He sure can be alert at the most inconvenient times."
"And this is definitely one of those," Lupin murmured, already deep in thought. There was silence in the car for a few seconds. Eshe had woken up when Jigen stopped the car. "What wrong?" she asked apprehensively, noting the tense atmosphere.
"Problem," Jigen replied curtly.
Eshe turned her worried glance to Goemon. "Problem?"
"Lupin's thinking of a way out," Goemon said, hoping she'd understand.
No sooner were the words out of Goemon's mouth than Lupin sat upright. "Fujiko, can you fit anyone else on that bike?"
Fujiko frowned. "Who were you thinking of?"
"Eshe. You can go off-road and drive her around the barricade in that thing."
"I don't know, Lupin. This isn't an all-terrain vehicle. I'd have to stay close to the road or else get totally lost in the wilderness. Plus," Fujiko added with concern, "if they happen to pursue, I don't know how I'd fend them off and manage to keep Eshe safe."
Lupin turned his look to Goemon. "Goemon, go with them."
"What?" replied Fujiko and Goemon simultaneously.
"Eshe would stay calmer with you around if there was an emergency, and you could handle things while Fujiko drives. It'll also make it that much harder for Pops to recognize what's left of us."
"I can fit them both on, but that's really going to put a strain on my bike, Lupin," Fujiko pointed out. "If I try to go too fast, there's the risk of us flipping or spinning out."
Jigen threw his hands in the air. "Plus they'd probably notice the three of them bypassing their road block." The car fell silent again. Then, Lupin's famous smug grin appeared.
"What we need," he said thoughtfully, "is a distraction."
If Zenigata could frown any more, his mouth would fall right off of his face. He was doing his darndest to make sure that General Waker knew of his extreme displeasure of his current situation. Waker remained apparently oblivious, too busy ordering his troops to notice Zenigata's exaggerated anguish and ignoring the occasional question from the inspector. Only when a vehicle came into question did the general consult with Zenigata, usually only long enough for Zenigata to shake his head. They had been at it for hours, and Zenigata knew that if they actually spotted Lupin in all of this, they'd be damn lucky.
So it was with little notice by Zenigata when a car full of balloons, driven by two clowns, pulled up to the road block.
"Hey, what's going on?" the driver clown cheerfully asked the soldier as he relinquished his ID.
"Looking for a fugitive."
"A fugitive? Wow, that's wild!" the clown said in a cheerful, high-pitched voice.
"Yeah, fan-frickin'-tastic," the disgruntled passenger clown added.
The soldier grunted. He couldn't figure out what these guys actually looked like with their make-up on. They were probably just innocent civilians, but it was more than his job was worth to screw up.
"General Waker," he called. The General strode over. Zenigata followed like a disobedient dog on a leash. "I can't ID these gentlemen with their makeup on."
"As them to remove it."
"Well, but sir...they're clowns."
"But nothing! The entire security of this nation is at stake. If their patriotic Americans, they'll understand." With that, Waker and Zenigata strode over the car.
"You two," he belted. "Remove your make-up at once."
"Golly," said the driver. "Who are you?"
"I'm General Gregory Waker, United States Army. We are searching for a group of dangerous criminals, and in order to confirm they are not you, we will have to ask you to remove your make-up."
"Gee, okay, General Wanker."
"That's Waker!" Waker thundered.
The clown shrugged and stepped out of the car. The other clown gave a look of death at his friend before following suit.
"And the balloons," Waker said. "We have to make sure you're not hiding anyone back there."
The clown nodded. The two of them removed two large bundles of balloons from the back of the car.
Now that they were out of the car, Zenigata peered at them carefully. It was hard to tell who they really were with the red foam noses and bright wigs. "Alright, you two. Take 'em off," he said.
"We can't do that! That would be traumatic to all of the little children back there," the clown said.
Zenigata growled. "It'll be more traumatic if you don't follow orders."
The clown held up his hands. "Okay, okay. Fine. But I can't do this one-handed. Could you hold on to our balloons?" he asked, and both clowns handed them to Zenigata and Waker. "Don't let them go, or little Jimmy is going to be very disappointed."
"Enough funny stuff." Waker barked. "Make-up off, now!"
"Just the make-up?" the clown asked, fluttering his eyelashes at Waker.
Waker turned red. "What the hell?"
"Well, we're just a couple of kinky clowns. We'd be happy to give you the whole show," the clown said, a familiar smirk appearing on his face. With that, he grabbed the front of his costume in both hands and pulled, his partner following suit.
Zenigata and Waker's embarrassment and confusion were changed to rage when the clown suits and wigs gave way to a bright red jacket and a familiar fedora. "Lu-Lupin! Jigen!" Zenigata roared. "You're under arrest!"
"Aw, Pops. This surprise party was just for you, and here you are, so ungrateful. Now why don't you hand out the balloons and I'll pass out the cake." Lupin gave Zenigata his cheesiest grin.
Waker sputtered before finally catching his breath. "Men!" he roared. "We have them!"
"I afraid not, my dear Wanker."
"It's Waker!"
"Whatever it is, we're not sticking around," Jigen grunted.
"We'd love to stay, but we don't want to be bad guests. We'll just get out of your hair so you can clean up the mess we're going to make." With that, Lupin and Jigen pushed away the two guards next to their car and leapt in. "Toodle-oo, Pops!"
"Lupin! Get back here!" Zenigata roared. He wove his fist in anger; he and Waker were still clutching the bundle of balloons.
"Men!" Waker shouted. "Shoot them!"
"But sir," one man said. "The balloons are in the way."
"Shoot the damn balloons!" Waker said, a vein in his forehead throbbing.
With that, the guards opened fire. It was loud, but nothing compared to the explosion that followed.
Lupin turned and glanced back, laughing evilly. "Dear, dear. Someone should have told Pops it was a bad idea to shoot balloons full of hydrogen gas."
"Some explosion," Jigen said, lighting a cigarette. "Good thing that didn't take any longer, or I'd have blown us up instead."
"Has anyone told you to cut down on smoking?" Lupin sighed. "Ah well. They'll be too busy putting out the raging fire we started to notice a little ol' motorcycle chugging by. On to the meeting spot!"
Fujiko grinned triumphantly as she watched Zenigata's hopes go up in smoke. From what she could make out between the thin line of trees, the entire force was concentrated on putting out the fire that engulfed most of the road block. Zenigata was there to, smoldering and sputtering with anger. They would make it by totally unnoticed.
She never noticed the fine tripwire that had sprung in front of her cycle.
As soon as the bike hit the wire, the back of the motorcycle began to flip upwards. Goemon and Eshe were flung off, but Fujiko managed to hold on. Somehow, she twisted as the bike landed on its side, and managed to keep from being crushed beneath it. As soon as she had her wits about her, she looked for the alien and the samurai. Eshe had had a helmet on, keeping her head safe, but she was rubbing her shoulder. Thanks to his quick reflexes and a patch of soft ground, Goemon had managed to avoid landing on his head and was now shakily sitting up in a puddle of mud.
Fujiko let go of the bike, about to run over and check Eshe and Goemon when she heard a sinister click. She turned to see the barrel of a gun aimed at her head.
"Nice try," a quiet voice said, and Fujiko looked up to see Agent Amy Hanes behind the trigger.