Rargh. Lupin no belong to me. Lupin good. Fire bad.

Chapter 9: The Government Says the Darndest Things

"Jigen." The gunman felt a slight poke in his rib cage. "Jiiiigen," Lupin said again, louder. "Wake up, Jigen. Put your shoes on, we're almost at Grandma's."

Jigen stretched and straightened up as best he could in the back seat. He took a quick glance out the window, enough to note the thick coastal forests had changed into flat, dusty land. "Texas?"

"Yup," Lupin said. "My contact's about another fifteen minutes down the road."

"Anyone try and follow us?"

"Just Fujiko and Goemon," Lupin noted cheerfully. "Not a sign of trouble."

"Thank you for worrying me," Jigen groaned.

"Jigen is awake?" Eshe said from the front seat. "Sleep good?"

"Yeah," Jigen said, trying to figure out if the crick in his neck would ever straighten out again. "I slept okay."

"Good. Lupin talks. Tells me about lands," she said, indicating the landscape out the window. "Very interesting."

"I'm glad you approve," Jigen replied as courteously as he could muster. An object from the front flew over the seatback and landed on Jigen's stomach.

"Call Fujiko on my cell," Lupin said. "Let her know we're about to arrive."

Not far behind, Fujiko and Goemon were riding in silence. At last, Fujiko piped up. "What are we going to tell them about Eshe?"

Goemon opened his eyes. "Nothing. They do not need to know now. Especially Jigen. We will let them know when the time is right."

"And that time would be?"

There was a long pause. "I would prefer after Eshe finds her way home, but I have a feeling that is just wishful thinking."

At that moment, the cell rang. Fujiko picked it up, said a few quick things into it, and shut it off. "We're almost there," she informed Goemon. "Lupin's going to lead us in. He doesn't think his contact would take well to an unaccompanied government car entering his property."

"This fellow sounds quite eccentric," Goemon noted.

"Takes one to know one," Fujiko said with a quick grin. "He's probably some old grizzled war veteran who took one too many blows to the head...or the crack pipe."

Ahead, Lupin turned off the main road onto a barely discernable trail. "We're about to find out," Goemon said quietly.

The first sign of civilization Jigen noted after pulling off the main road was a tangled tower, constructed of the skeletons of old cars and various appliances. "What's that for?" he asked Lupin.

"That's his radar detector," Lupin answered matter-of-factly.

Jigen scratched his head. "Does it actually work?"

"Dunno. I've never asked him."

Shortly thereafter, the two cars pulled up in a wide, dusty driveway. Surrounding it were more towers and devices, all built of objects that looked like they had been pulled from the local landfill. A battered bus sat in the middle of the mess, just in front of the tallest and widest of the junk piles. Jigen noticed a silhouette in one of the windows.

Lupin turned off his car. Quickly got out and raised his hands in the air. "Hey, Jed!" he yelled. "It's me, Lupin!"

The door of the bus opened, but the figure remained inside. "Prove it!"

"Elvis is alive in Nebraska, but Paul McCartney really is dead!"

"Good enough," the man said, his voice getting friendlier. He stepped out into the light, and much to Fujiko's surprise, the man was actually fairly young. He was tall, with a ruggedly handsome appearance, a muscular physique, and weather-beaten skin. A gray cowboy hat perched atop his sandy blonde hair. "Welcome to the Radiation Ranch, Mr. Lupin. What brings you into my part of the world?"

"I need some help, and I couldn't think of a better expert than you. But first, allow me to introduce my associates." The rest of the gang took this as a cue that it was safe to exit their vehicles. Eshe also exited, but hung around behind Jigen, obviously nervous about this new face.

"This is Daisuke Jigen, Goemon Ishikawa, and Fujiko Mine," he said, pointing each of them out. "Guys, this is Jed Burnett. He's the leader of the Texan Conspiracy Testers."

"Just carrying on my father's work," Jed said nobly.

"Jed's dad practically invented the paranoid anti-government nut," Lupin added, and Jed beamed in pride. "Anyway Jed, I've got something interesting for you to look at." He gestured for Eshe to come out from behind Jigen. She gave the gunman a frightened look; he did his best to nod in what he hoped was an assuring manner. She quietly stepped out, her face pointing down.

"Don't be shy, Eshe. He's not going to hurt you." Lupin came over, took Eshe gently by the hand, and lead her to Jed. "So Jed, see anything interesting about this young lady."

Jed frowned and scratched his head. "Hmmm...something about her seems off." He leaned in closer and remarked, "Her skin tone seems too even, indicating extensive make-up and/or mask coverage." After a pause and a few more scratches, he guessed, "Incurable disease?"

"Not even close, Jed," Lupin said, sounding slightly disappointed. "Try again. Take a closer look."

Jed gave Eshe another quick glance before his eyes found her hands. He gave a startled jump into the air. "Holy...an alien! A real genuine alien!"

"Bingo," Lupin said. Goemon and Fujiko exchanged concerned, slightly confused looks. Jigen did his best not to look in the least bit interested.

Eshe carefully peeled her mask and wig off, letting Jed get a good look at her visage. Jed jumped up and down excitedly. "An Alterian!" he burst. He calmed down and gave Eshe a serious look. "Asu ko'jin sa?"

Eshe's face lit up. "Bion, yitt daq po?"

Jed grinned. "I've heard broadcasts from your ships. Were you in the ship orbiting Earth two years ago?"

Eshe nodded eagerly. "They kept calling for you, you know," Jed said gently. "I haven't heard anything lately, though. I think they've given up on there being any survivors." With this, Eshe's face fell.

"Jed," Lupin said, "we want to get her home. Is there any possibility?"

The cowboy looked thoughtful. "Come on in my bus. I might have some info, but it will take time to look it up. In the meantime, you guys can cool off and take a look around."

After helping bring Hanes into the trailer, Goemon and Jigen had opted to take a look around Jed's ranch, rather than be cooped up in the stuffy, smelly bus with the rest of the gang.

"Look at this stuff," Jigen said, rapping on a piece of sheet metal affixed to another of Jed's unrecognizable devices. "Either this guy is a genius, or he's the biggest nut I've ever met."

"Had I not seen him communicate with Eshe, I would have agreed with you on the latter." The samurai paused, and added, "We should not underestimate him. Part of his schemes rest on outsiders viewing him as insane and obsessed."

Jigen nodded in agreement. "I hope he can get Eshe out of our hair."

"You still haven't taken to her, Jigen."

"How'd you guess?" Jigen said dryly.

"May I ask why you still dislike her?"

Jigen plucked the cigarette butt out of his mouth and pitched it to the dusty ground. "We don't know a thing about her. The army keeps referring to her as a dangerous weapon. Now, I know as much as you do that half the time they're just making shit up to scare everyone so they can track us down faster to cover up their big mistake, but...what if they're right?"

"The thought had crossed my mind," Goemon admitted, thinking of Eshe's feat in the woods earlier. "However, I have no more reason to believe her a weapon than someone with as much humanity as the rest of us."

Jigen shook his head. "I still don't know enough about her to trust her. She's friendly now, but how do we know when she gets mad she has the capability of blowing up the planet?"

"We'll just have to keep her happy then," Goemon said seriously. He turned to go back to the bus. "You coming?"

Jigen shrugged. "Yeah, I think I've seen enough landfill for one day." He gave the pile of junk one last kick and dislodged the thick metal panel; it hit the ground with a dull thud. He started off, following Goemon as the samurai made his way between two tall towers of trash. It came as something of a shock when a large figure in black fell from one tower and made a ten-point landing on top of the samurai.

"Don't move," a voice behind him said with a hint of sadistic amusement. "Your time is up."

"Now, where did I put that..." Jed trailed off, flipping through an old, patched together book. "Let's see...let's see...ah-hah!" He triumphantly pulled a piece of paper from the dusty pages. Carelessly tossing book down to the floor, he went for the nearest file cabinet, pulled out a few folders, and tossed the whole mess down on the card table.

The inside of Jed's bus was as bad as the outside of his ranch. Except instead of piles of rusting metal and broken car parts, the bus was filled to bursting with books, papers, old computer systems, and miscellaneous other junk. Somehow he had also crammed in the table, two old wooden, mis-matched chairs, a camp stove, a small TV set, and a rusting old cot that was currently occupied by the unfortunate Agent Hanes. Fujiko felt her claustrophobia kick in slightly, but managed to keep calm as not to upset Eshe and let Jed and Lupin concentrate on their work.

Jed rifled through the papers on the table. "Here we go!" he burst, unfolding what appeared to be an old map. Outlines, numbers, and notes were written in red ink. "Mt. Mitchell, North Carolina. Tallest peak east of the Mississippi River. About two years ago, residents of the surrounding area spotted what appeared to be a meteor crash into the top of the peak. An astronomy team from a local university was dispatched, as were certain government agencies.

"Why?" Lupin asked.

"Agents are routinely dispatched for cases where there is even the slightest suspicion of something strange. And in this case," Jed added, pointing to a rather large circle on the map, "they happened to be right. What had landed was not a meteor, but rather an alien ship."

"Our ship," Eshe said. "Sudden loss of power. Could not stop. Pulled down and crashed," Eshe informed them.

Jed nodded. "But they didn't know that. They couldn't be sure you were friendly, and so they decided to take you into custody."

Eshe seemed to bristle at the words, but said nothing.

Jed continued his dissertation. "Meanwhile, the university team had to be, as in many of these cases, liquidated."

"You mean murdered in cold blood," Lupin said, disgust in his voice.

"A blunt way of putting it...anyway, the team of four was taken into the woods to be shot. The...liquidation of the first three was carried off without a problem. But the fourth, a student researcher, was only wounded. He somehow managed to escape the agents and ran for his life. Unfortunately, he ran right in front of the aliens. And the agents were still firing at him. One shot hit one of the aliens. Mass confusion followed, and all of the aliens were killed but one. While that one was taken away, the rest of the agents went into the spaceship."

There was a long silence. "And," Fujiko hinted impatiently.

"That's it. Every recording device there seemed to go haywire. Contact was lost with the agents for two days. When it resumed, there were only three survivors. You," he said, pointing at Eshe. "Her," A point at Agent Hanes. "And an Agent John Peters."

"We've met that asshole," Lupin said, waving his hand absent-mindedly. "Never mind all that. How do we get Eshe home?"

Jed grinned and pulled out a thick file folder. "I'm taking a big risk handing all this to you. I'll probably never see it again."

"What is it?" Lupin asked, opening the folder.

"There's a top-secret research facility in New Mexico. People in my line of work call it the real Area 51." Jed leaned up against a small side counter. "Of course, that's not what the U.S. Army calls it. To them, it's Project Turquoise."

Lupin's eyes lit up as he scanned the files. "They have the remains of Eshe's ship. And..."

"...and according to that intelligence, it's mostly intact," Jed finished. "Pretty good read, huh?"

"Where do you get this stuff?" Lupin said incredulously, consulting technical blueprints, building layouts, and passwords.

"I can't tell you everything. You'd put me out of business," Jed chortled.

"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go!" Lupin exclaimed, tucking Jed's file in his jacket.

"Whoa, whoa," Fujiko said, standing up. "What about her?" she said pointing at Agent Hanes. "I don't think she's going to just come along quietly. And I don't think Jed wants to baby-sit for us."

"I'm not sure..." Lupin started, his mind clicking into gear.

A loud crashing sound came from outside. A loud voice, amplified by a bullhorn, called, "We have you surrounded. Send the alien and our agent out. Any attempts seen as hostile will result in lethal action."

"That's one way," Lupin said meekly.