Title: Needing you
Disclaimer: I own the computer this was written on, next to that, absolutely nothing...
Note: This is the fifth installment in the 'Losing you' series. It takes place four months after the fourth installment, 'Protecting you.'
Needing you
It had taken some time for Buffy Sumers to feel comfortable in her own home again, especially in the first couple of weeks after the incident with Spike. She had been somewhat jumpy, even after she recovered and had her full strenght back. She vividly remembered the first time she had been home alone after Spike tried to rape her. She thought that she could handle it, but she had been afraid. Not of what could happen, but of the memories. She ended up calling Xander, asking him to come over and they had spend the night watching movies and talking. She felt that he could really understand what she was going trough, since he was the only one who had seen what happened. Next to that, he always listened to her, no matter what.
Eventually she had found her inner strenght back, not overnight, but gradually. She could be home alone now and be totally relaxed, without her memories haunting her. It also helped that Spike never set a foot into her house again, with Willow doing the uninviting spell the minute she heard what happened, Buffy didn't even had to ask her to do it.
The vampire had shortly after the incident realised what he had done. He had tried to make amends, but Buffy didn't seem to care. No matter what, she could never trust him again and after a couple of weeks the vampire had realised that there was nothing left to stay for. He had left town, and ended up joining Angel's team in LA. Buffy had found it somewhat amusing to hear that the two vampires that loved her were now fighting side by side. Not as amused as Xander however, the image of 'Bleachboy' and 'Deadboy' protecting the streets of LA together still cracked him up every time.
Now, Buffy was enjoying a rare night of peace in Sunnydale, vampire activity had been low lately and she was enjoying a simple night of doing nothing. Willow had been doing nothing with her, until she remembered she had a paper to finish. The witch had gone out to go to the library, not all to happy about her task.
A sudden knock on the door made Buffy leave her comfortable spot on the couch, opening the door she saw Xander standing there.
"Hey Buff, doing anything special tonight?"
She smiled, stepping aside to let him in. Wondering why he looked kinda sad. Meanwhile he hung up his jacket and took a seat on the couch.
"Where is everybody?"
"Will ran of to the library and Tara took Dawn to see a movie. Which left me all alone."
The comment got a little smile out of him, while he looked at the empty bag of chips in front of him.
"So you decided to drown your sorrows in food?"
She grinned.
"Something like that, wanna join me?"
"Nah, I'm good, thanks."
She took a seat next to him, watching him as he was flipping through the channels with the remote.
"Xander, what's wrong?"
He turned to look at her.
"What makes you think something is wrong?"
"I don't know, you just seem kinda down. And you don't often come by at this hour on a Monday, since you always have early meetings the next day."
He had forgotten how much this girl knew about his life. Had forgotten how well she knew him. Sighing, he got up to take a letter out of the backpocket of his jeans, handing it over to her.
"I found this when I came home from work today."
Frowning she took the letter, he nodded to let her know that it was ok for her to read it. It didn't take very long for her to finish it, but the message was loud and clear. Looking up at him she took his hand and made him sit down again, holding him once he was close enough.
"I'm so sorry Xander..."
He just held her for a while, not saying anything. After a couple of minutes he let go of her and gave her a shaky smile.
"It will be ok, right? It's not like she died or anything, and I knew that we were over but..."
"It still hurts?"
He nodded.
"Yeah, it does. She's married Buff, really married. And not to me."
"Hey, if she was I would have been seriously pissed at you for not inviting me to your wedding."
Her joke got a little grin out of him.
"You wanna know what's funny? A part of me is happy for her, happy that somebody was able to give her what I couldn't. She writes that she really loves him, which is good. And he really loves her too, I guess that's also good. See, al good things here!!"
She forced him to look at her.
"Does that help?"
Confusion was seen on his face.
"What?"
"Lying to yourself."
He sighed.
"Not as much as I want it to. I mean, I'm not completely lying, I want Anya to be happy. But I used to think that I was the one for the job, you know? And I know that I'm the one that didn't want to marry her, I also know that a part of me didn't love her enough, but still... I did love her."
She took his hand.
"It's hard to let go, huh?"
"Yeah, it kinda is. She's been gone for some time now, but I still had some hope that I would get a second chance."
Hearing him say that suprised her.
"I never knew you still cared that much about her. I mean, I knew you loved her, but I didn't know you were hoping for a chance to get back together."
He shook his head.
"I'm not hoping for a chanche to get back together. I do love her, yes, but I don't think we could have worked it out. I just wanted a chance to make it up to her somehow."
"Xander, the fact that she's married doesn't mean that you can't let her know that you're sorry. She wrote an adress on the back of the letter and she doesn't sound real bitter. You guys meant a lot to each other and maybe she just wants you to know that she's ok."
He still wasn't sure.
"Yeah, but I don't think she really wants me to contact her, I mean..why would she?"
"She married Xan, and I don't think she would have done that if she wasn't in love with the guy. Anya isn't the type to play games, she's way to straightforward for that. If she never wanted to hear from you again she wouldn't have sent you a letter with a return adress. Maybe she wants to bury the past just as much as you do. You never know if you don't at least try."
"Do you mind if I take some time to think about that?"
She shook her head, while she got up to go to the kitchen, returning with another bag of chips.
"Do you wanna try the 'drowning your sorrows in food thing' now?"
He perked up.
"Do you have any Twinkies?"
She laughed at the childlike hope in his eyes.
"I think I have them around here somewhere, yes."
"Bring it on Buff, bring it on."
The next half hour was spent eating and watching tv, until Buffy couldn't eat another bite.
"Xand, if I eat anymore I'm gonna pop out of these jeans."
He waggled his eyebrows.
"Promises, promises..."
She playfully hit him on the arm.
"You would just love to see that, huh?"
"I wouldn't really mind."
"Get your mind out of the gutter, Harris."
He shook his head.
"You've been dateless for a very long time now Summers, the time will come when you want some 'Xanderloving' and then I will tell you to get your mind out of the gutter."
She gave him a sweet smile.
"Sure you will, Xand. Sure you will."
He just laughed, turning serious the second after that.
"Thanks Buff, I really needed you tonight. And not just because of the fact that you might pop out of your jeans. You really made it better."
Hearing him say that made her feel special.
"Hey, I can't let anybody hurt you."
Again he waggled his eyebrows.
"Because you might want some 'Xanderloving' in the future, huh?"
She grabbed a pillow from the couch.
"That's it Harris, you are so going to get it."
His smile got even wider.
"I've been waiting seven years for you to say that."
Her respone was a pillow in his face and he quickly go up to get the second pillow, so he could defend himself. They were getting really into their fight when the door opened and Dawn and Tara walked in. Seeing what was happening Tara began laughing, while Dawn snorted.
"You can't leave these guys for a minute... Pillow fights? What are you...fifteen?"
Xander and Buffy just laughed, wich made Dawn snort even louder. In a response Xander threw his pillow at her.
"C'mon Dawn, it's fun!"
She gave him the Summers glare and she sat down on the couch.
"Or maybe it isn't...."
Buffy laughed at his hurt expression, before turning to look at Tara.
"So, how was the movie?"
"It was fun, and how was your night?"
Xander looked at Buffy before he answered.
"It didn't start out to well, but Buffy gave me exactly what I needed."
Tara raised her eyebrows.
"A pillow fight?"
He gave Buffy a thankfull stare.
"Something like that, yeah."
She just smiled.
"Anything for you Xand, anything for you."
The End