Title: Loving you

Author: Joyce

Disclaimer: Buffy and Xander are not mine. But we all know that, so you don't have to read this sentence. It's really just a waste of your time.

Note: This is the last part of the 'Losing you' series. I was convinced that I was done with it, but I just had to write this last part. This takes place six months after the last part of the serie, 'Kissing you.' I wrote that a pretty long time ago, so don't feel bad if you don't remeber that one, or this serie for that matter.

I want to thank everybody who took the time to review this serie. It really meant a lot to me, and as for this last part? What can I say, I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

Loving you

I never understood why these words were so important, until I longed to hear them.

'I love you.'

Sure, I know she loves me. I have known that since the first time I kissed her, six months ago in her livingroom. Everytime she smiles at me, I know she loves me. Everytime we make love, I know she loves me. I can see it in her eyes, feel it in the way she touches me. But she just won't tell me.

And I can't understand why. Telling her I love her is the easiest thing in the world for me. Which is pretty weird, considering the fact that it took me ages to tell Anya that I loved her. But with Buffy, it's just...I can't explain it, she's Buffy and I love her. It's as simple as that.

This night, I just can't take it anymore. We have just made love, and it was wonderful. Making love to Buffy is everthing I always imagined it would be, only better.

She's lying in my arms now, tracing patterns on my chest with her fingernails and yawning contently. I turn to her.

"Why can't you tell me?"

She doesn't look me in the eyes. The hand om my chest stops moving.

"What are you talking about?"

I force her to look at me.

"You know what I mean Buff."

"I don't know. I want to. It's just... Somehow, everytime I try... I can't."

She rolls away from me and I stop her again. Feeling like a jerk in doing so, but I have to know.

"What do you mean, you can't?"

She rolls back to me and looks at me for quite some time.

"What if you leave me?"

I snort. Does she really think I would leave her? Sometimes for a smart woman, she can be really dumb.

"Leave you? C'mon Buff, I would never leave you on purpose."

She uses sarcasme now. I never like it when she starts to use sarcasme. Which is funny, considering the fact that I'm the king of sarcasme myself.

"Tjee Xander, that's a relief, to know that you would never leave me on purpose. I feel much better now."

She is slightly irratating me, which is probably what she wants to do. Get me mad so that we can avoid the subject once again.

"Shits happens Buff, you know that. More then anybody else you should know that. I can't predict life, I can only tell you that I will never leave you because I want to."

She just nods, and I think she is starting to believe me. Until I see tears beginning to form in her eyes.

"This scares me. The way I feel about you, it scares me."

The last traces of irratation completely dissapear when I see that's she's crying. My girl is crying. I reach out and brush the tears out of her eyes with my tumbs.

"Don't cry, baby. It scares me too sometimes. Love is scary and painful and sometimes it's a bitch. But it's also wonderful and the most amazing thing that ever happened to me."

That get's a smile out of her. She takes my hands and holds them between her own.

"I never want to get used to this."

Now I'm confused.

"You never want to get used to what Buff?"

"These feelings I get when you touch me. Warm and fuzzy. I like fuzzyness. I don't think I can live without fuzzy."

I smile at her Buffy talk. Seeing in her eyes what her mouth won't tell me. And I decide to let it go for a while. This has gotta be enough. This small, wonderful woman next to me is enough. Even if she can't tell me that she loves me.

"I can't live without fuzzy either."

She nods again, gets comfortable in my arms and closes her eyes. Drifting of to sleep. I watch her until I feel myself drifting of too.

When I wake up some time later she is lying next to me, watching me.

"Hey."

"Hey Buff, did we sleep long?"

"Couple of hours, but don't worry. You don't have to go to work for another hour."

I roll over to look at the alarmclock, she's right. It's only six in the morning.

"Xander."

I turn back to her.

"Yeah?"

She hesitates, working up the courage and I just have to tell her that it's ok.

"You don't have to tell me. I know, it's fine."

She shakes her head.

"No, it's not fine. I want to stop being afraid. I want to tell you how I feel about you. You are the most important person in my life and I'm afraid to tell you how I feel because I'm scared that something will happen to you. Or us. And it's crazy. Not telling you won't make the pain any less if shit has to happen. As you so beautifully pointed out earlier."

I laugh.

"I'm a poet with words aren't I?"

She grinns a little.

"Yes, you are. And you are also stubborn and sometimes you smell bad after you come back from work. And you snore really loud and you can make stupid jokes and..."

I interrupt her.

"I get the point Buffy, really."

"Let me finish my sentence. And I hate it when you do that non-talking thing with Willow, because I never know what the hell you guys are talking about. But you know what? All these things, It doesn't matter."

My heart is beating rapidly in my chest when I speak.

"Why doesn't it matter?"

She smiles at me. And I think it's the most beautiful smile she has ever given me.

"Because I love you."

And there they are. The words I thought I'd never hear from her.

I've had a lot of life altering moments in my life. When I first met her, my relationship with Anya, when I found out that suave Xander was also a part of my personality, when I discouvered that I had the courage to fight against the evilness going on in the world. All these moments have brought me here, in this bed, with this woman. This woman who loves me.

I love you.

These words trigger the last change in my life. I have finally, completely, found her.